Thank you all for the great reviews. I hope you get to enjoy this one as well. Let me know what you think. ((:
Stefan's POV
Peter and me spent the past two hours in the school gym with me almost constantly yelling at him that he should either do something this way or the other while he was beyond tired and pissed off already since his hand hurt very much. He was so stubborn it made me go wild. I've been pleading him for us to stop for the last forty minutes but he was relentless and I myself didn't want to admit that I was feeling beaten to death by this point.
"You can't keep doing that!" I let out as calmly as I can "You're not going to score if you're not even paying attention to where the fucking net is, Peter."
"Well, what do you want me to do?"
"Just look above your nose for once!"
That was typical us. We would always scream at each other like that but we were never really angry to one another. Usually, when we finished, we just laughed our asses out and he would mock me for getting so stressed up over nothing. Though, I didn't consider it to be all in vain-I was trying to help him feel good about himself, to make him appreciate his efforts. I could see him clenching his jaw every time he stretched his arm a little more in attempt to score and that made me feel worse. If I haven't included him in this revenge plan now the team could've won the last two games and not lost them. Plus there were supposed to be scouts on the next one and that made the pressure even heavier for him. I could see he was on edge and was trying to calm him down in the best way possible-while yelling at him.
With Peter if you wanted him to really succeed in anything you had to make him stop the alcohol for at least a few days, which of course always made him pouty and extremely irritable, and tell him how things are going to go down. Of course I was more harsh on him when I was watching him play because otherwise he wouldn't even pay attention to my remarks. I honestly hated being that person because I knew how much his father always yelled at him and reminded him what a great disappointment he was, so when acting like that, I felt no better than him and I resented myself for it.
Now, however, wasn't the time to play soft, because I was leaving for Chicago tomorrow and we had no time. I couldn't be here for the game and I saw how hard he was trying to cover his worry from that fact. I knew he got why I needed to do that, but still he was uncomfortable and that explained the amount of yelling.
I made him take a break and show him a few stuff while trying to stay in one place and not really move since I myself, just like him, was in pain these days.
Daniel was a total pain in the ass and he would still make me do the hardest work. I couldn't understand why he was doing it or what were the real reasons he hated me or if he just enjoyed being mean to people, but I was swallowing my pride and dealing with it, cause I didn't have another choice. I was on edge-I thought going back to Chicago for a few days would be good but in reality it made me nervous, because I haven't been there in a while and going to the graveyard would just probably be the most masochistic decisions I've made in a while.
We were wrapped up in conversation again, but we both turned abruptly once we heard the gym door close. I was beyond surprised to see Elena embarrassingly standing a few meters away from us while putting one of her locks behind her ear. Peter immediately threw me a knowing glance, but I tried to ignore him and smiled at her only to make her feel more comfortable.
"Hey" I started trying to sound cheerfully though my voice was hoarse from all the shouting "What are you doing here?"
For a moment I got a little worried that she could've figured out that it was us again that practically ruined Tyler Lockwood's car a few nights ago. The look on his face when he saw it was priceless, I don't think Peter and me have enjoyed something so much lately. Our revenge plan was in motion and we were being wise and slow as we should be. Nothing was supposed to go wrong now since we were trying to play defeated and innocent and we were doing a pretty good job at it. I doubt Tyler himself would figure it out but Elena, well she was another thing. She was smart and observing and if she wanted to see all the clues pointing to us she could and that would probably lead to one of the greatest disappointments she's had lately.
But some things just needed to be done, because me and Peter we had our prides and we couldn't just easily swallow them, not when it comes to that. I realized it was bad and that maybe this wasn't the way to do it all and yet I felt I should, even though it's not mature, it's not wise. I was desperately trying to prove to the world that it can't be all like that and bad things shouldn't happen only to good people. I wanted justice for all that has happened to me, I wanted things to be fair at least once so to me this whole plan of ours made sense. And honestly, I don't think it was such a bad thing. Tyler's dad would buy him a new car, he'll find a new girlfriend, he'll buy himself the spot back on the team. This was temporarily but it brought us the satisfaction of being even with someone else. We were in pain, so should be he.
Anyway, Elena smiled and approached us, which showed me that she probably is still in the dark when it comes to the Tyler matter.
"I wanted to see you before you left and Bonnie told me you'll probably be here." she crossed her arms as if she didn't know what to do with her hands because she obviously felt a bit shy to hug me in front of Peter, but I wasn't. I came even closer and I could already smell her perfume, which somehow reminded me of an apple garden I once work at.
She smelled of spring, of a new beginning, it was just so refreshing. I couldn't resist myself and kissed her on the cheek, which made her blush a little bit. For a minute or so I just stared at her beautiful brown doe eyes, appreciating how sweet and innocent she seemed in the dim light of the gym. It made her look calm, relaxed.
"Oook, I'm definitely not staying for this" Peter reminded us of his presence and I turned around with an apologetic smile. "It's late anyway. You sure you don't want a ride, Stefan?"
"I'll take him home" Elena intervened a little too fast which caused my friend to throw me a knowing look. "I'm sure you will" he added and grinned again. I felt as if I was leaving him behind before his big game so I caught him on the shoulder when he was about to surpass us.
"Remember-act smart tomorrow." I started with a serious voice "Don't rush on things and look where- "
"I am aiming at. I got it , coach!" he interrupted me as if he was trying to get away too fast "I'll hear from you tomorrow, yeah?" he added with a serious voice.
"Yeah, I'll call you." I assured him and watched him disappear behind the big red door. The ball was still somewhere in my feet and before I knew it, Elena has taken it and was trying to score, but she couldn't even hit the hoop and it made me laugh out loud, which caused her to furrow her eyebrows. She was so funny that I couldn't really stop.
"Hey! Don't you laugh at me!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry, I just" I mumbled as I was trying to prevent the tears from my eyes from following. "Oh, god, that was simply so funny." I let another laugh out while she went to take the ball only to throw it at me but I still had fast reflections even though I was no longer playing and managed to catch it before it hit my chest.
"Well then teach me how, you show-off. I'm failing my P.E. anyway." I smiled, this time sincerely while trying to steady my breathing and slowly approached her. I took her hand and led her closer to the hoop "Since it's obvious that you don't have enough strength to push a ball, we better stand here."
"Hey! Don't underestimate me. I have muscles, you just haven't seen them!" she protested, again with an angry face. She was just so sweet and with her voice echoing in the empty gym I felt as if I was surrounded by her whole human being. I didn't respond but stood behind her, then took her hands and raised them in the shooting position. "You're too tensed. Relax a little, it's just a ball." I whispered in her ear and let her try on her own but she missed again and she sighed defeated.
"I can't do it." her voice was even a little desperate and she crossed her arms again as if she herself didn't know if she should be angry or sad. Elena was the type of girl who wanted to be perfect at everything and not being able to complete this task made her feel incomplete
"You can" I said calmly and threw the ball back to her while slowly limping my way behind her again "Bend your knees a little more" I put my hands on her waist and I feel her tense "Don't raise it above your head, put it in front of you" I move my left hand and try to guide her, then I wait for her to throw but she doesn't
"Stefan" she sighs and lets her hands down "I can't concentrate with you all over me" I'm not sure if she's pissed or if she's actually having a good time. She doesn't leave me wonder even for a minute more because she just drops the ball, turns abruptly towards me and kisses me all of a sudden. I'm a little surprised at first but then I follow her lead and put my hands on her sweet red cheeks. I don't let her dominate for long though and tear myself away only to continue kissing her on the neck and down her bare shoulder. I manage to take a glimpse of her and notice that her eyes are closed and she's smiling satisfied "Stefan" she lets out as if she's pleading me to stop, that this is not the place and it's probably not the reason why she's here at all. Still I can't stop myself and return back only to collide my lips with hers once more. She lets a small moan out and I smile, feeling satisfied that I was still good when it came to that stuff. It's been a while since I kissed a girl and I felt as if I have forgotten how to speak. Now I could sense a fire burning up inside me and it felt good, it felt as if I was alive again, even for a few minutes. How much I wished it was all the time!
I let her go but she didn't part away from me, instead she hugged herself and leaned her head on my chest while I gently stroke her hair and smiled to myself, relieved that she still craved to be so close to me.
"What's up?" I say finally getting myself down to earth "You seem lost in thoughts."
She sighs, but doesn't lift her look up. It takes her a few minutes to answer and so I kiss her gently a little above the forehead, just to make her feel more confident.
"Our relatives from Denver are coming by this weekend and Jenna is preparing a big family dinner."
"And that is bothering you because?" I ask confused.
"I last saw them before my parents" she stopped clearly unable to say the words out loud as if she was still trying to avoid the fact that they were dead. Feeling her like this makes me tense and tighten my grip. She notices it too and puts her hand on my arm as if she's trying to tell me it's fine."I just don't like family gatherings."
"I'm sorry that I won't be here" I let out as I was realizing that she will be all alone when she needs someone there for her and suddenly feel a rush of guilt back as if the affection we shared only a minute ago has disappeared into the nothingness around us.
"Stefan" she shakes her head and finally meets my gaze "That's not why I said it. "
"I know" I let a sigh out "But I still feel bad." I admitted.
"Don't be" she smiled and I felt her index finger poking me in the ribs, which made me very ticklish and I allowed myself a small laugh while trying to make her twist, but she starts running around and I can't even catch her since I'm too slow. We are like two little kids playing after the teacher left them in the enormous gym with nothing but the ball and time to waste. I felt so innocent with her, so childish. For a moment I lose her of sight until I fell her trying to surprisingly jump on my back and cover my eyes. She's not really expecting me to carry her but I manage to catch her hips and lift her on my back
"Steeeefan!" she yells surprised by my touch on her tight hips but she's fast and finally manages to put her hands on my eyes so I lose sight, but I'm not afraid at all so I take a few slow steps even if the pain present in my knee increases. I'm however strong enough, after all I carry woods every day and they weight far more than she ever will "Guide me" I say
"No, we'll fall" she says through laughter.
"We won't." I say seriously with my hoarse voice "Trust me." she starts guiding me towards the hoop but eventually she lets her hands down
"Stefan, I'm heavy" she says, concern evident in her voice
"You're not as half heavy as the things I move every day" I reply cheerfully but finally let her down not because I feel tired but because I don't want to make her any more uncomfortable. We intervene hands and head to the door where I've left my brother's jacket and we slowly walk out of the school, somehow feeling better that we're leaving this place behind.
"So, you didn't tell me" I started and she looks me confused
"I was supposed to tell you something?"
"Yeah" I nod eagerly "What do you want me to bring you from up there?"
"Stefan.." she shakes her head "you don't have to do that. You're spending too much money on this trip anyway."
"Okay, then I'll pick something myself, but if you don't like it you'll have to pretend it's the best thing ever for the rest of your life so have that in mind." she laughs out sincerely and agrees, then she grips my arm as we walk and leans her head a bit on it. She's nostalgic, I can feel it and I honestly have no desire to leave her right now when I felt so confused inside me-consumed by both guilt and affection, but I had to do this, otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. "Hey, Elena" she lifts her look up "It's just two days you know?" she turns towards me and catches both my hands. Why did she seem so sad now? Only a minute ago she was smiling at me poking her.
"It's only a few days now, Stefan" she lets out slowly, desperately, because the words make reality even more painful "What happens when we part after we graduate?" I feel myself tightening my grip but being unable to really say anything because the truth is that I don't know what to say. It will all be fine? We'll hear from each other every day? We'll keep in touch until we make a wrong move and start hating each other? No, I knew those stuff are a lie as was everything around us. It's something to calm our wounded and confused souls. "And we're not even…" she continued but couldn't finish being afraid to say it out loud
"A couple you mean?" I'm not however. Words don't scare me, I have a high threshold for the pain they cause too, they hurt me, I just swallow them as fast as I can and don't let myself think about it. Which usually results in a big breakdown at some point because there's only so much our heart can take before bursting up. "We're not a couple, Elena. And we both know that we might as well never be a real one having in mind how broken we are, isn't that right?" I sigh and let go of her hands a little too abruptly "For you we're just fooling around as too naïve kids, right?" she opens her mouth to protest but I intervene her before she could say something "It's ok. It's not a lie after all. And" I swallowed hard "I will completely understand you if you just want to stop it now"
"No, Stefan I-"
"It's ok. If you feel like you should leave you gotta do it, you know. I don't want you to feel more pain than you already do."
"Stefan!" she says my name harsh and make me look at her "Listen to me, you dumbass." she crosses her hands again. I noticed that she usually does that when she's angry or when she's shy and doesn't really know where to put them. I believed this time it was the first option. "Do you think that if I didn't want to see you I would come to this goddamn gym in 10 in the evening on a school night? Would I ask you to tell me your story? Would I even talk to you? You're not just the boy that fixed our back porch, smarty pants, you're not just someone, do you understand? I care for you" her voice sounded a little more shaky as if she was suddenly shy to admit her feelings "I really do, Stefan." now she said my name as if she was trying to discover a place where she find some rest in, as if she was a wave and I was somehow her coast where she could be at peace until life drifts us all apart.
We looked at each other for a few minutes and I noticed that her eyebrows were still a little furrowed which meant deep down she's a bit mad at me for just being honest about how things are. She wanted to deny them, but oh God, how much I wish she could, for the sake of both of us.
I come closer to her and slowly remove her hands from her chest. I don't let them go, however, I keep holding them so she couldn't make a move. Then I lean and kiss her slowly, trying to show her that her words matter. I'm speaking with her through a kiss because words are not enough, not now at least and because just only by looking at her I start lacking air, that's how much it hits me. It leaves me helpless. I don't let it last long though and I tear myself away because this isn't about making a fire inside her burn with emotions, it's about being gentle, it's about telling her that I understand her and I'm grateful that she is this person. This is about explaining her that I'm not indifferent towards her either and that she means more than she even assumes.
" I care too." I whisper as we part and watch each other for a while with our noses almost touched which even made me a little ticklish but I contain myself from letting it have this effect on me. But then again she, as a whole, as a person has influence on me that even scares me a little, because I am afraid not to hurt her. I never ever want to do this.
We walk a little more and turn around only to find ourselves in the parking lot, the same one where Tyler beat our assess up. It makes me cringe with the memory and she notices it which causes her to tighten her grip. I avoid her look, I don't want her to see me feel defeated.
"When exactly are you coming back?" she asks barely audible
"Sunday afternoon. Peter will pick me up from the bus station."
"Can I go with him?"
"Oh, I don't know…I guess if you want to you can come along" I smile happy to tease her like that and she slaps me on the shoulder playfully. "I'm joking. I'll be beyond happy to see you. I mean..after all I can start teasing you from the moment I'm back and we all know I live to do that." I laugh in desperate attempt to make her feel better but she only shows me one of her light smiles and then embraces me with her skinny hands as if she's a kid, just like James is hugging me sometimes, so full of pure love. She practically crashes in my chest and once again I am stunned by the way her hair smells and leaves me always so breathless. As if I'm not in this place at all. "It's fine, Elena. You only have to get through a horrible family dinner. Gather all your strength, smile and avoid talking about important stuff. "
"I'm not really worried about myself." she lets out after a few minutes have passed and I've wondered if I've said something wrong "You take care while you're there, yeah?"
"Elena.." I try to point her out that there isn't anything there to really make her feel like that "I promise that-"
"Uh-uh" she interrupts me "don't promise. Just be safe. That's all I want."
"Good." I let out as we finally approach the car and decide unwillingly to get inside and hit the road back home, which almost made me fall asleep but I tried hard to keep myself awake and I somehow managed, though the only thought that somehow prevents me from dozing off is about her and how sweet and caring she was and damn, how much I've missed that in my life.
Elena's POV
After I finally got home this evening I couldn't stop thinking about Stefan and how great I felt with him. I couldn't also deny the fact that there was this pit in my stomach, that I was worried, mainly about him, but also about what will happen to us both once the summer comes. I shook my head trying to make those stupid thoughts disappear but they didn't and I knew why-I was in desperate need to be able to control the future now, I wanted certainty ever since my parents died, I wanted to be the captain of whatever was going on in my life. That's why I held on to school that tight and buried myself in homework-because I only had to do them and work hard so I can guarantee getting into a good college. Somehow I have figured it all out, or at least it seemed so but now when Stefan and me got closer, he turned all my plans upside down and made me question them. He wasn't a rebellious man who selfishly rushed into decisions. He was calm but stubborn, he was passionate and craved for me to love him and oh, God, how afraid I was that I was starting to fall. It scared me so much that it made me want to push myself away from him but I couldn't. It was a feeling far bigger than me, maybe even than the whole universe, I had no power over it, I couldn't be its captain.
That's why I wanted to see him. I started realizing I enjoy every little thing about him, even the flaws he possessed though I wasn't completely aware of them all since we knew each other for only a few months. But I could say I was pleased to see his gently smile, I was satisfied to touch his lips with mine, I craved for his warm embrace that always made this nice chill appear inside me and make its way up my spine, I enjoyed observing him and looking at his emerald green eyes.
He kissed me and I forgot it all-the pain, the feeling I was lost, the confusion, the thoughts about my future. He felt as my home used to feel like before- a place I could stay in and forget about my problems and the reality.
But I was also afraid I might lose that. I might have it now but that doesn't mean it will last forever-on the contrary, we were about to be separated by life and there was nothing we could do about it because even if we stop, everything around us will keep on going and we'll just lose ourselves even more. Yet I was willing to be with him no matter what.
Because I realized that time will always be limited, it will never be enough, no matter what. I had my parents for my whole life and yet it's not enough and I only crave to see them and be with them again. The same goes for Stefan-we have a few months, true- so what? Let them be the best of our lives, let's live and run and kiss each other as we do now and even if nothing too serious ever comes out of it-still, it won't be a wasted time. It will be a period in which I felt at least a bit happy, a moment I have let myself see beyond the grief and feel affection for another human being.
That moment today with him at the gym had a special place in my heart. He is right- after many years have passed I might not even remember what exactly happened, but I will know that- there were those lost boy and girl in the middle of an empty gym and they ran in it and smiled and laughed and felt good, and that's all I really needed. When someone showed you that kind of feelings it should be enough, it's should be beyond satisfying actually.
I fell asleep with a both tears on my cheeks and a light smile on my face because I was happy that I felt like this and sad that something that beautiful will have an end.
Our family dinner next day went relatively well. I just tried to do what Stefan advised me to-I smiled and I remained silent when they discussed big issues like the economy or politics or how great my big cousin was doing at college and so stuff like that. I loved them all, now just wasn't the time I would like be around them, I still felt so confused around people that weren't Jenna, Caroline or..Stefan for that matter. I wasn't sure how to talk to my own brother anymore and that scared me but I somehow always found the strength to push this thought in the back of my mind. I kept believing that somehow with time things between us will get better and he will get out of his sad and lonely phase and maybe even start letting me in.
Speaking of Caroline she made me go to the game which really surprised me. She said she just had time to waste and wanted to see the other team beat our ass but I know that Peter was in the bottom of this. Lately she's been asking me about him a lot since she knew that Stefan and him are very close. I wasn't really that into his personal life because I honestly have focused more on Stefan but whenever I saw them together I could only conclude that Peter is just as lonely as Stefan was, if not more and that he's hurt in his own way. Whatever was happening with him wasn't good, because he seemed ruined. Maybe that's why both of them were friends after all-they were constantly getting screwed up and they needed each other to keep going. As far as my best friend was concerned I knew that she cared about him, but she was stubbornly trying to hide it which only made me laugh from the inside. I didn't pressure her, though, I only waited patiently-she just needed time and when she convinces herself that she really has feelings for him she'll just need me to push her a little bit, which will probably be the greatest mistake in my life, since I'll hear about Peter Fell 24/7 and it will all come into place. I'm willing to make sacrifices when it comes to love though. I believe it's worth it.
They lost the game though, only by a few points and I saw Peter slowly making his way to the benches. He stayed there until after the whole team has gone and even most of the crowd. I expected Caroline to want us to leave too but as I tried to stand up she caught my hand and made me sit back. He didn't make a move though-just sat there with the towel on his neck and his hands buried in his hair-he wasn't able to see us.
We slowly walked down the stairs and as he heard our steps turned abruptly thinking it was the last people to leave this place. As he saw us he threw us a surprised glance. He didn't expect to see us here, it left him unprepared and speechless. I didn't know what we should do. We couldn't just say "Hey Peter, you want to go grab a drink?" or "It will all be fine you were great ." Neither of us knew him that well and the only person who could help him was now far away. I saw a bunch of water bottles put on the table where the judges sat and nodded towards them to Caroline. She shook her head but as I poked her in the rubs with my elbow she took one and came closer to him. He was avoiding her look but took the bottle and for a moment their hands touched which made my friend even blush a little and I tried very hard to hide my smile. She told him that she was sorry, he nodded and in a few minutes we left him, all alone in this gym, all by himself which made me wonder if Stefan has ever been in this situation and who was there for him?
Caroline remained very silent on our way home but I didn't ask her or interrupt her in any way because I knew she was only thinking and she needed time to process it all-whatever it was that thing going on inside her. I hugged her and held her a little more before we parted and added that she could call me whenever she feels like talking about it, which made her give me a sad smile.
I was tired of seeing bad all around me and I wanted to believe in the good stuff coming up for us. I refused to think that there wasn't anything at least a bit happy coming our way-there must be and we all had to enjoy it. I wished to stay optimistic, to be persistent when it comes to pursuing sunnier days, and yet every time I turned the light off and closed my eyes I couldn't prevent myself from feeling desperate and sad and remember my parents and the last days we had together. And after that has kept me awake for a few hours I finally start thinking about now, about Stefan and the good around me as he has always thought me-to see the smallest simple things that make sense in the most desperate times and eventually I would let myself fall asleep.
And now I did it even easier because there was another thought in my head-he was coming back in a day, with his broken soul, his limping bended posture and his crooked smile-he was.
My lost boy was coming back.
Stefan's POV
Chicago hasn't really changed since I left. It was still the same city and there wasn't anything new in my dirty old neighborhood.
Dylan met me at the station, he seemed really tired to me. I guess he's been working extra lately since his little brother was soon to graduate and leave for college. We hugged each other and I realized how much I've missed him. Yeah we heard from each other often and he called me almost every week but it was another think to finally see him. He was the boy I knew ever since I was a little kid, my best friend, who saw me in my worst and even then put up with me. His house was my house, his family was my family and vice versa.
He first took me to their house where I would be staying and his mother hugged the life out of me. She was a nice woman-a really close friend of my mother and she felt like she should be always helping me no matter what, as if she has given my mother some kind of promise just like Bonnie. She spoiled me very much even though I was a almost nineteen years old and she insisted on us eating first before doing anything else. She asked me all about my brother and Bonnie and how were things in the family and what are we working now, how are we managing-everything she could think of. I tried to sound all optimistic but she got that there was something wrong when we talked about my brother, who was still so pissed off at me and would barely talk while I was patiently waiting for him to become more benevolent towards my decisions and the way I wanted to lead my life but up until now it seemed as if he was not making any progress in that direction. I know he can't be convinced-he needed to accept it all himself, to think good about it and to understand that I need it and I hoped that even though he was very stubborn eventually he would get there.
Dylan and me, we talked a lot, we practically couldn't be stopped and if I wasn't so desperate to finally go to the graveyard we would've stayed in his house until midnight and drink the rest of the beer in the fridge without even realizing how much it was. But my best friend knew that I just wouldn't be able to sleep well if I don't get this done so he took me out with his old jeep and he showed me the new best place in our neighborhood to buy flowers in this time of the year. The weather, disastrous as I arrived, was now somehow calmer, there was only a cold light wind, but it wasn't something that unacceptable, on the contrary, it made me feel more awake and washed the fear I felt away.
He stopped in front of the graveyard and said he would wait for me as long as he has to. I could take all the time I wanted. I didn't thank him, only looked at him, trying to show him how much I appreciate all he has done and continued doing for me.
It took me a while to get to her grave. I couldn't figure out if I was walking even more slowly than usually because I hated facing the fact that the gravestone will be there with her name on it and I have to relive it for the hundred time, or because I liked to take my time and look around me and feel all the grief I could from this place, but remind myself that after all such things happened, no matter how absurd and ridiculous it was-it's death. The stones I passed by marked the places where people were buried, where we-the rest of us still living, could come and cry, and ask for help, and tell them what's going on right now and how confused we remained.
How we couldn't figure out why is it all like that and how much it keeps bugging us and leaves us confused but also it was a place where we admitted that we pushed those thoughts in the back of our mind because they were riddles and hardly made sense. We couldn't get how love can be buried or disappear into the ground. It was hard for us to watch the grass overcome the brown soil we have thrown on the casket while our hearts were breaking.
And yet I've come here today to also talk to her, because I needed her guidance, and I needed to know if I was doing the right thing, if I was finally on the right path.
I finally reached the spot. My heart broke as I realized that probably no one has come here in forever-it didn't seem as if someone has left flowers recently. She was alone on her birthday, no one cared to come. Her mother was probably sick again and I didn't even dare to think that Mark could decide to come here.
It took me a while to bend down and eventually I gave up and just decided to get my jeans dirty. The ground was cold but I didn't really pay attention to that. I took my hat down and ran my fingers through my hair. At first I was afraid to look good at the stone, as if I was nervous to meet her eyes, but I let a deep sigh out and put the flowers down.
"Happy birthday, Anna." I smiled and touched gently the engraved letters until I got to the bottom of the stone, after the years, marking the beginning and the end of her life, where it said "beloved daughter, sister and friend". Hah, friend-she was so much more than a friend-she was my first lover, the girl that stole my heart so unexpectedly while I was still childishly naïve and young. "I miss you." I felt like words were too hard to be spoken and yet I had to do it, for her, for myself too. The more weight they brought with themselves the more meaning they carried "I'm sorry I couldn't be here last week…some things prevented me from doing so, but I bet that if you're still looking from somewhere you know all that. I don't like making excuses and I don't like saying sorry-none of this changes things so I'll just be honest-I miss you. Every day. And I don't think it'll change any time soon." I looked up, expecting to maybe feel closer to her by staring in the big blue nothingness above me "Still…something changed, Anna." I spent the next couple of minutes figuring out which words would be appropriate only to realize that I'll never find the right ones "I met someone-another girl and I'm honestly confused to talk to about it, but then again no one else would really understand me. It just..seems right to search for you when I'm so lost. I guess that even if you're not here I still have the need inside me to seek your guidance and advice. Right now I can't talk to Bonnie or my brother, they are too busy trying to figure out what to do with me. Peter is broken, he needs to fix himself and start believing he can do something important. Dylan was until now away and I can't just talk over the phone about this. So you could say I was really going crazy, especially these last few weeks. I..just…" I sighed again an looked down, this time at the trainers my brother brought me from Atlanta, which were now very dirty, only after being worn for such a short period "She's sweet and caring and deep down very good, but she's also broken. Like me. Don't get me wrong, it's not why I'm worried. I just don't want to see her hurt. I'm so afraid that I'll mess things up as I do with everything in my life-with my brother, with you, even with my friends. She is so sad when she cries, it really breaks my heart and I only know her for a little while. I..have to admit that it feels good to spend time with her, but what does it even mean if in the end I leave her heartbroken? I don't think for myself if I have to be honest. Yes, I'll hurt too, but by now I've been through hell, I'll have to get over this one as well while she's so gentle and sensitive and if we let ourselves fall in love it will be so hard after we both part. I'm just so…lost, you know? With her it seems right and I feel like all my worries disappear but after I send her home I start asking myself "Now why are you doing this? Why are you misleading her?". I am in constant contradiction with myself and I'm just at the point where I need to stop because I'm steps away from going insane, Anna." I finally removed my hand from the stone and remain still like this, only staring at her name again. I pick up my hat and nervously crumple it, as if I could somehow find the solution to everything by doing so "I need to let go and just..try to love again, you know? I've never given myself so much to anyone but you and after I lost you I just became so…numb. I've missed it so much and I didn't even realize it. I want to love someone-even if it hurts. So..what do you think?"
I waited there even though I knew I won't get a real answer. Stuff as those in the movies didn't happen-wind wouldn't suddenly start trying to move me from my place, I wouldn't see a falling star, a leaf from a three wouldn't fall down. Nothing would happen to show me that she has heard me, but I knew she did. I knew she was somewhere, she had to be. Maybe she was standing right behind me in that moment and was smiling. Maybe she was looking from afar, afraid to come closer.
I don't know how long it was before I finally decided to stand up. Half an hour, more? Did it matter? I loved staying in silence with her and I could do it for days. My ass was freezing up and my jeans were wet from sitting on the ground but I didn't really care. I got to be with her, to spent some time and talk to her.
"See you soon." were my last words as I finally turned my back towards the gravestone and slowly limped my way out of this filled with grief and sadness place. I had my answers. Honestly, I understood that I didn't need words or signs to realize the fact that I can't ignore my feelings. You either loved openly someone and let the joy from it fill your heart or you suppressed it deep deep down until it starts destroying you. And I had so many things inside me killing me already that I just couldn't let another one to that bunch since it would probably be the end of me. You can only hold on for that much before it breaks you into pieces.
Next day Dylan took me to a few factories which were supposed to start hiring new people at the end of May since there were usually more orders in the beginning of the summer period. Two of them cut me off, only by seeing that I can't walk normally, the owner of the third one agreed but said he would pay me less so I guess that was at least a bit of a progress. Dylan tried to easy my annoyance by saying that with time I can find another workplace, I only needed something for the beginning and I knew he was right, the problem wasn't in that. It was the way people looked at me-as if I was somehow not a whole human being, they thought I couldn't work properly or that I even lacked brain. It was just so stupid how they preferred to make conclusions only by what they see in front of them without even grasping the important thing here-that I was like the rest of them. And my life, my routine was completely the same. They failed to understand that I craved for the same things all of them did- I wanted a good life, a happy one, I liked to surround myself with friends, but above all I wished to love someone else. To make my boring, stupid life important by loving another human being.
It took me a while to decide what to get for Elena, but my friend again came to the rescue with the perfect solution-''Chicks love scarves ", he said. Dylan was that kind of guy that dated a girl for a few months but then something usually went wrong, they broke up, he needed a night off where he would drink until he forgets his own name and after a week or so he would find another one. He wasn't a womanizer, I just think he wasn't a fan of commitment and above all he was very stubborn, like me, so when someone gave him advise or tried to guide him he would just go mad-ergo his impossibility to find the right one. He always said I was so lucky with Anna and he often asked me how did I do it all. I never understood his question-how do I do what? I simply love a girl and that's somehow enough for her. Yeah, of course, I try to be nice and understanding but above all I try to respect her and the decisions she makes even if that's not what I want at all. We are one and yet we are also individuals which meant she has her freedom to do whatever she feels is right at the moment. I would hate to make someone do something for me, or change their decisions for me like it was with my brother. He took care of me for so long that I started feeling bad. He always choose me above all and because I could see it, it made everything harder and it hurt me very much. I hated when someone else had to be responsible for me. I was already old enough and I could take care of myself.
Anyway so Dylan's latest girlfriend-Rachel or..something like that, I'm really bad with names, loved all sorts of winter accessories so he took me to a new store downtown and I picked Elena a very colorful scarf which even looked a bit hippie to me but he said she'll loved it. I really started doubting myself after we got out of there but it was already too late and I thanked got that at least there was red on it, since her coat was red and at least one of things matched. Right? God, I was hopeless. I bought a bunch of stuff for James too and hoped that Bonnie wouldn't ask too many questions like where did I get the money from or how did I buy that thing or the other since she knew that 1. I didn't have time to go shopping and 2. I hated doing so.
Before I left, Dylan and me got a drink and I went on the bus home feeling a little tipsy. To that I can add the fact that I was tired like hell-sometimes living is harder than working all day and I still can't figure out how that can be. Isn't free time supposed to make you relax more? I felt beaten to death. I spent most of the time travelling in deep sleep and a little before we were about to arrive at Mystic Falls I searched for my pills which were supposed to be in my left jacket pocket but it took me a while to find them since I've put like..my whole life in there, including the cigarettes. As I opened the orange bottle I found out I was there was only one pill left, which meant I was screwed up, pretty much literally. I was out of money already.
Ah, well..I guess I'll have to get over it…somehow.
Elena's POV
The bus is something like half an hour late and I'm getting more nervous with every passing minute while Peter silently mocks me while smoking his cigarette. I catch him mumbling something like "Uh, girls" and shrugging more to himself than to anyone else. I keep observing the exit and a thought passes through my mind while staring at the gates-I've missed him. I've missed him so damn much.
I keep wondering, when on earth did that happen to me? Can I at least have answers to the questions about the how the only good thing in my life was happening? But then again did I need this really? Why was I trying to figure out things like affection or care for another human being? It was just in me, it appeared, maybe without me even wishing for it or realizing it.
Though it was there-I should be grateful.
As I finally saw him come through the gates, looking tired and confused, searching for us in the crowded space before the bus station I smiled and ran towards him. When his eyes met mine he smiled and he opened his arms wide. I practically jumped in him and he embraced my whole human being with his strong hands.
"Elena" he whispered in my ear as if my name was the only word he can express his feelings with right now. It was like he's saying "You're here" maybe a little surprised that I've kept my promise and came. He was relieved that he was seeing me and I even allowed myself feeling a little proud because of that.
"Stefan" I replied silently and gave him a small kiss "I've missed you."
"I've missed you more." he said teasingly with a light smile and at the same time trying to poke me in the ribs but I was fast and jumped down. He didn't let me go though. He hugged me tight and kissed me on the forehead before finally greeting Peter.
Oh, Lord.
I was falling in love.