Hello everybody! So here's another chapter and I hope you get to enjoy this one as well. Thank you all for continuing to support me and leaving me your opinions on certain things. To the person who asked me about how Damon is seeing all the changes going on with Stefan-I was already writing that when you left the review so you must be reading my mind or something. And I apologize to those who can't handle the feelings very well. I really am sorry.
Enjoy and let me know how you liked this one. ((:
Stefan's POV
I was coming home from the factory, slowly walking down the street and gathering courage to finally call Elena, even though I've been avoiding it for the past twenty minutes and was observing the crowded alley in front of me, smiling every time a kid ran towards their parents or a couple was kissing, or an old man was crossing the street.
I was trying to avoid calling because I was afraid.
I've been meaning to ask her out on a date for probably around a week now and even Peter started getting sick of me constantly trying to explain him that I just can't do it. I honestly had no idea where I could take her? What we would do? What would I wear-I had no clothes, not even a decent pair of jeans and I would probably show up looking like a homeless idiot while she'll shine beside me. I was bad on the money department and I still haven't bought myself medications, but I could live through that-for now at least. Or that's what I kept repeating myself.
I was so worried when I wasn't even sure if she'll say yes.
Still, I decided that if I wait a little more I might as well get insane. So I found the bench I was looking for-one in the small back streets where people didn't usually go and sat nervously with the cell in my hand. I pushed the call button a few times and then hit the red one, then I lit a cigarette and stood up walking up and down around the bench with it in my mouth, almost forgetting that it was still there. My hands were sweating and I felt warm, even though the evening was quite cold and windy. My leg started hurt so I sat back and just as I was wondering again whether to finally call her or not I got a text from Peter saying "Do it already GODDAMIT". I laughed loud to myself, which made an old lady passing by look at me as if I was crazy. And damn..I was. I was so crazy about her. I wanted to see her, to kiss her, to hold her in my arms, to just spent time with her and talk to her-about everything. I missed her, even though in the last few days she came by the factory every time I finished work, no matter how late it was and I felt bad for making her go out in that time of the night. I was afraid something might happen and I've been telling her to stop doing it, but she just waved her hand as if she was annoyed by my comments and continued talking about whatever we were discussing.
She would usually wait for me patiently, since I was the last one to leave due to my slowly walking, she would smile and throw me a knowing glance-as if she was saying "Come on, I've been here since forever" and I would smile back because I felt good. There was this warm feeling inside me that appeared every time I would decide to stare at her beautiful brown eyes. She started wearing the scarf I brought her from Chicago and I would always feel satisfied once I noticed she's put it on. I wasn't sure if she liked it at all, but I hoped she did. It really suited her. It made her look happier-with all those colors on it and of course it would make everything around me seem brighter too since my day consisted of nothing, but a tiring school morning and a working afternoon routine of moving heavy things.
Elena would always bring me a big sandwich since she knew how hungry I usually was at that time and she would laugh while watching me eat it on one of the benches in the parking lot. She said I was always so funny with my dirty jacket and bruised hands and ruffled hair and then I would usually mess my t-shirt with the ketchup from the sandwich and she would literally laugh for ten minutes while I looked helplessly in her direction, until I finally got annoyed and furrowed my eyebrows angrily, when in reality I wasn't, but I knew she would grant me a kiss so I loved pretending like that since it brought me such a great pleasure.
So I finally decided to call her after another twenty minutes of worrying passed and waited impatiently while she finally picked her phone after the fifth beep, signalizing she's not near it at all.
"Hello" I heard her sleepy voice. Damn..I woke her up. She probably studied until now. I started cursing myself.
"Oh God, you're sleeping." I let out worriedly
"Stefan? Hey! What's going on?"
"I'm so sorry, Elena. I didn't mean to wake you."
"It's fine. I have actually fallen asleep on the history book. Thanks for reminding me that I still own a bed." I chuckled a little relieved, trying to push the guilty feeling somewhere under the big weight of nervousness inside me, which of course probably made it worse "Are you ok? Is everything fine?"
"Yeah..yeah it's all good. Um..I just called because I wanted to ask you something." I started stuttering and then stopped for like half a minute trying to put the words together which made her suspicious
"I'm listening." she wasn't impatient, more like confused what it could be all about.
"Well..um..I was wondering if you would be able to maybe go out with me this Saturday?"
This time she remained silent which got me completely on edge and I stood up abruptly which almost cost me falling down, but I caught the side of the bench and stabilizing myself with my eyes closed, afraid to hear her next line. She would totally cut me off. Jesus, what was I thinking? She would never go out with someone like me! I'm a crippled idiot with the inability to talk to other people. I was already wishing for her just to say no and hang up, because I wouldn't be able to take that silence anymore.
"You mean like on a date?" I was extremely hit as I realized her voice was excited.
"Well.. yeah I guess you can call it like that." I heard her laughing in her cute silent way "Elena.."I started now feeling hurt "Please…it's hard for me" I admitted and she suddenly stopped, realizing how serious I was.
"I'm sorry" she responded sincerely "I really am, you're just so sweet."
"I am a boy! I am not and can't be sweet!" I protested and wished she could be near to see my furrow eyebrows again and console me with a small kiss on the cheek.
"But you are." she laughed again, but hurried to stop "Sorry, I'm stopping now." she cleared her throat "It would be a pleasure, Stefan" she finally said with a serious voice as well.
"Really?" I said without realizing how ridiculous that makes me and hurried to fix it "I mean, I'm glad." and caught her trying to suppress another laugh. She was having so much fun while I was basically in hell.
"Good. Will I still see you tomorrow or will you start preparing from then on?"
"Don't you make fun of me Elena Gilbert. And yes. But I'm working late tomorrow again. "
"What about Peter? Weren't you helping him train? "
"No, the night after that. His aunt is coming again so he won't be able. By the way, speaking of Peter…um he mentioned you two at the game. What was that about? "
"It was about my best friend desperately trying to hide her feelings." she said sincerely and maybe a little worriedly so I decided to stop discussing this issue-it was a complicated subject anyway, plus she tried to suppress a big yawn again and I decided it was time to leave her alone.
"You should go to sleep. You sound very tired."
"Are you trying to get rid of me, Salvatore?"
"Nope, I'm just about to get inside the house and I don't want to make noise since James might be sleeping" which was the truth. A little after I staggered near this bench, I slowly started walking on the way home and was almost to the front porch.
"It's ok, I was joking, Stefan." she responded sincerely with still such a sleepy voice-Good night.
"Good night, Elena. "
"See you tomorrow."
"Definitely."
"I'll bring you a sandwich."
"Yeah, only so you can laugh your ass out while watching me eat. This is all a sweet entertainment for you, isn't it?"
"Nope, not at all. " she sounded cheerful but then she added "It's just me being a good person."
"I know you are. I don't need a conformation for that since I'm beyond certain of its existence."
"Stefan!" she sighed pretending to be annoying. I loved how I could tell how she felt even if I couldn't see her. "You can't say things like that in the middle of the night when you are so away!"
"Oh yes I can." I smiled and we remained silent for a while. I could sense her thinking about certain stuff and I didn't want to interrupt her thoughts "Sleep tight, Elena."
"You too" she responded in a while still sounding sleepy but serious. I unwillingly hang up and came inside.
Before I could even pull my shoes off Bonnie appeared from the kitchen with a pretty serious expression on her face which suddenly got me suspicious that there's something wrong.
Damon's POV
I heard my wife calling my brother to come to the kitchen a little after we recognized the sound of the front door shutting. He made attempts to get away with it since we still haven't been talking ever since that unfortunate fight and his confession that he'll be moving back to Chicago.
Honestly-I've never been more conflicted in my life. I knew this wasn't right. I couldn't bear watching him constantly in pain but at least I knew if something happened, like it was a month ago when we found him fallen in his room, I could be a shoulder he can lean on and I could take care of him. Now-with the thought of him being so far away I was scared-that something might go wrong, that somehow things could turn upside down. I was afraid, because I've seen this in my life already and it has happened more than once. I liked to be in control-of my life and of his as well, because he was my little brother and I had to protect him no matter what.
But he was also growing up, he wasn't the same blond boy running up and down our house with his silly smile, he was a man already. Yeah, I he was only eighteen but besides his bent figure he was strong and he carried that scent around him everywhere-the scent of having adult problems-the tiredness, the big circles under his eyes, the constant worry that something's not enough, that he needed to do better somehow so he could help us and not be a burden. His hair sticking up in all the wrong directions, the stubby beard, which he didn't have time to shave every day and the dirt under his nails made my description complete-he has grown. Maybe more that I've even realized in the past year. It's so strange to notice those things when you live with someone else-you somehow start missing the important stuff, because the routine is making it all look the same when in reality it isn't.
As he finally entered the room with my wife following behind him he was afraid to look me in the eyes and I wondered for a moment-was I that bad to him? Did I hurt him that much by not approving of his decisions? Was I becoming my father-constantly unsatisfied with what the others were doing?
He seemed more tired than usually and his movements were slow, which made me a bit suspicious, but I decided to ignore the bad feeling that suddenly appeared inside me. I realized I haven't been really paying attention to him lately. I've left him all alone again, to deal with everything by himself, and on top of that I was mad at him, which probably made him experience more guilt that usually. He put down my jacket and hanged it on the side of the chair. My son, sitting in his own chair besides his uncle's one smiled as he saw him and stretched his hands.
"Da-da-da-da-da" those were his favorite words lately. It was obviously a sound he has learned and he just wouldn't stop repeating it. When he was sad it was all da-da , when he was hungry or sleepy-still the same. When he was calling for attention or craved for his mother's embrace it was still the same. It expressed his whole world-he didn't really need more. Stefan took him, even though Bonnie has just put the meal in front of him. He started playing with him, talking to him and for a moment I saw the child in him again and I admit-it made me nostalgic. I craved for us both to live in a world without so much problems, without having to struggle with money, without having to wear old shabby clothes and broken shoes. I wanted us to be at least a bit better, though I was afraid to ask for more and I was afraid to wish better on myself since I could see how hard it was all for him.
I knew-no matter how much time passed, Anna's death has crippled his soul and it would leave him marked forever. This had nothing to do with physical pain-yes, he had those problems too and they made it worse, but on the inside…what he felt, that must be life-ruining and I never ever wished for that to happen to us again.
I am still admiring his strength. I don't know how I would be able to live if something was to happen to Bonnie. I wouldn't be able to survive. His love for Anna wasn't just a typical high school romance-it was a real thing. I could see them grow older and stay together-get married and have children. He had such deep affections for her-she was his life, in every sense of the word. And then he practically lost himself.
He still is lost, though lately I can't help but notice that there is some light in his eyes and I've been asking myself if it has something to do with this girl Elena that came to see him after this fight, that scared me out of my mind for the second time. I noticed back then-even if it was for a few minutes- there was this childish spark, that innocence he always carried with him-it was back. There was excitement too-he was feeling alive. I was afraid to hope that there could be really something going on, because I didn't want to jinx it, but I would love nothing more but to see him happy and in love again. And as he sat before me tonight I noticed that difference again.
Even though he looked beyond tired, there was just this brighter look on his face and mainly in his eyes-I was really about to doubt the first conclusion that came to my mind but then I just let it go, because it was true-he seemed happy. I haven't seen him like that in ages. He has put his the usual façade from the past weeks or so, though-he was quiet and he realized there was something important we wanted to talk about, otherwise my wife wouldn't have turned the TV off and we wouldn't even insist on him coming in the kitchen. Lately he hasn't been eating home at all.
"Stefan" I started and he finally looked away from my son. The boy realized there was something going on and went quiet too, hugging himself closer in his uncle "We need to talk." I started and gave Bonnie a look which she understood as a sign to sit beside me.
My brother didn't respond. He just nodded lightly and let a small sigh out.
I struggled with words. I didn't want to say our decision out loud. I refused to make it all a reality. Bonnie sensed that and caught my hand under the table.
"We thought a lot about what you told us..That you want to move away after the school year is over."
"Brother, you don't have to" he started but I interrupted him
"No, wait. I'm just going to make this quick because it's too hard for us both" I nod towards her in an attempt to show him that this isn't about making him feel guilty. It's about being honest. "If going to Chicago is what you feel you should do than I..we are good with it."
He remained silent, surprise evident in his eyes. He was stunned, not sure what he should say or do. James kept shifting his look from us to him and he finally let out a silent questioning "Da-da?".
"I…really don't know what to say, brother." he let out honestly, still clearly confused. He always called me brother when we were talking about important things, or when he just tried to be honest. Did he really think that we are that heartless that we wouldn't speak to him for months on until he leaves this place all alone and without any possible back up if something whatsoever happens? Did I really disappoint him that much in the last months?
"Don't say anything" intervened Bonnie "But we would still want some stuff you know?"
"Yeah..like you coming down here every once in a month for starters." I began, trying to sound confident and hide the sadness in my voice.
"And calling every day, yeah?" she added.
"And if something, whatever happens that is worrying you or if you don't feel fine you call me or Bonnie immediately, ok?"
"Absolutely" now there was a big smile on his lips for a moment, but I also noticed nostalgia in his voice.
"We don't like you drifting apart, Stefan" my wife started again with a serious voice "We've missed you these last few weeks. You're here but then again…you are not and we can't live like that. If going up there will help you somehow we understand it, even though we still might be a little against it. We need time, because we are used to you being with us. So if there is something we did or said that hurt you those few weeks we are sorry." I nodded to confirm her words though my brother remained serious, guilt evident on his face. I kept wondering where he will stop caring so much for others and for once think about himself "We don't like letting things go, you know?"
"I really appreciate it. It means a lot that you are ok with this" he started, though still feeling quite uncomfortable. Bonnie stood up to take James to his bed since he was starting to doze off in his uncle's embrace. I still couldn't figure out how he did this, but it took me half an hour to put him down while Stefan needed a few minutes and my son was starting to fall. I furrowed my eyebrows as Bonnie carried James away because I didn't want her to pick up heavy things now when she was pregnant and it was starting to be obvious, but she ignored my look and took him away. He started protesting that he was getting out of Stefan's embrace and cried out loud. Bonnie started soothing him and he hugged her back but still with big tears falling from his eyes, which immediately broke my brother's heart and he tried standing up and hugging him back but my wife shook her head-it was time for bed and plus he better get used to the fact that his uncle won't be here all the time. She disappeared from our sight and we didn't say a word until we heard the loud "Da-daaaa" fading away in our bedroom.
Stefan still seemed sad after he saw my son like that and he was just staring at his full plate, probably realizing how much he'll miss him once he's gone. I decided to take his mind away from it.
"So, you want to tell me what's going on with the Gilbert girl?" I asked and he was immediately taken aback from my question "What? You thought I wouldn't notice that there was something?"
"I.." he began but couldn't really decide what to say. He seemed confused. Was he afraid to fall in love or to admit that it has happened without him even realizing "I'm not sure what's going on to be honest." he let out and smiled lightly as if he was remembering something good.
"Well are you together?" I asked and waited him for a few minutes until he could figure out how to formulate the definition of his relationship with her.
"I really don't know what we are ." he shrugged, still with a smile on and the happy light in his eyes. The once I haven't seen since he talked how much he loves Anna "We are friends. But then..I kissed her and "
"It felt good?" I assumed but he shook his head
"No..it felt like home." he was still struggling with words. I felt like he wants to tell me all, to make me a part of this, to share with me something like he used to before, but he just couldn't pick up the right words, because he was confused. I could sense it-he was so contradicted. He probably felt guilt and excitement and wasn't sure which one of those two feelings to trust. But I knew he has made his choice without even realizing that. We stood in silence for a while, both just thinking about it all, about what was coming for us, how our life will change "I asked her out on a date."
I gave him a wide smile and he looked away embarrassed which made me change my mind to initially give him a sarcastic comment. He was worried. He thought he'll screw it up. He was probably thinking where he could take her? Or what would he wear-he didn't have any new clothes.
"Come on" I stood up and he looked me confused. "Just come." I led him out of the kitchen towards the living room where we had a relatively big cupboard, in which Bonnie kept some of the bigger sheets and towels. I leaned down and opened the bottom draw. I picked up a big package from there and tore the brown paper apart only to get out the new jacket we've bought for him last Sunday. He looked in utter surprise and step back as if he was afraid of it.
"It's for you. Bonnie picked it up. She intended to give it to you later but I guess now's better. You can't go out with a girl looking like a homeless person. "
"Brother…I"
"Just take it" I handed it over and he put it on to see if it's really fitting him but I knew it would since my wife knew the sizes of every member of this family and she could never be mistaken. At first I wanted to take the bigger one but now I realized he would've looked like a kid in it. He wasn't that big and he was still very slim. After the fight he never got back to his original healthy look, he still seemed so broken to me that it was hard to suppress the feeling inside me that he might never get at least relatively good again.
But who knows? Maybe the girl was the key to it all. How much does my brother really need to feel fine? He has such simple desires that if love fills his kind heart it could either bring him to another edge or will only make him happy.
"This is too much. We don't have money to spend for such stuff. You should take it back" he tried taking it off but I caught him at the shoulder
"No. I'm not leaving you go around the streets looking like you don't have a family, like there's nothing who would take care of you."
"I am a big boy now, brother. I know it doesn't seem like that, but I can take care of myself." he looked me in the eyes with a serious expression on his face. "I am not as helpless as I seem to you." he let a deep sigh out "Because it happened once doesn't mean that it's the end of the world, you know?" but it wasn't just once and I knew it. This eternal cycle of him being in pain would never end. Not after last year.
"I do." I answered even if I didn't really believe it. I would never stop worrying about him. That wasn't possible. "Keep that though. You need to look good. And plus you bought so many things for James lately. You deserve something for yourself."
"Thank you." he said, guilt still evident in his voice.
"Don't thank me. We are brothers." he scratched the back of his neck and then tried to suppress an yawn. "Go to bed now. You're tired." he nodded and slowly limped towards his room.
I couldn't fall asleep until after midnight. I kept wondering what will happen to us both and then I realized that yes-there are many things in life that are uncertain and there are many ones we will never be able to control, but family and the bond we have is an unbreakable thing, no matter how much we fight or get angry at each other. He's my brother and I'm his. That can't be changed. No distance can bend it, there is no disease which can beat it, there is no pain that can alter its original shape.
We are linked together for life.
Stefan's POV
I spend probably something like three hours before the date at Peter's house, trying to figure out which shirt would look best on me. He had an enormous closet, full of things he never even wore or which didn't even fit him but just remained there and he was good enough to borrow me some for the night since I had to spent most of the money I had on the dinner itself. Peter really helped me out this time-he figured out where we should go and recommended me a really good restaurant a little outside Mystic Falls where he took a girl out something like an year ago. He was certain Elena would love it and I hoped, for his sake actually, that he was right. I was really nervous and was barely holding myself together since I was beyond tired from working this morning, but Peter was always there to pour me another cup of coffee when I was on the verge of falling asleep. Somewhere in the late afternoon I started feeling excited and even my cheeks turned a little more red-ish which made me look somehow stronger and healthier since my face was always so pale.
My hands were trembling while I was trying to button the red and white plaid shirt we have finally considered to be the best one and Peter was laughing his eyes from behind, but as he saw my serious expression he stopped and tapped me on the shoulder while trying to encourage me.
He was finally in a good mood since the team won the game yesterday. I knew that he wouldn't remain happy for long so I just enjoyed the time we could spent like this-me, on the verge of dying from nervousness and he-being finally satisfied with himself. I knew it wouldn't really last long so even if he was mocking me or calling me funny names I didn't really pay attention. It actually made me happier-my friend was usually so sad. I haven't seen him smile sincerely for such a long time that now it was just a pleasure to observe him.
"You really look dashing" he said as I was finally ready and even put my jacket on.
"I'll be late." I said with my voice also shaking. God, if Anna could see me from somewhere now she would so be laughing out, just when I first ask her out.
"You won't. You have like..fifteen minutes. Where are your flowers?"
"In the car."
"Good. Now just get yourself together. She's just a girl, she doesn't bite, you know?"
"Yeah" I nodded after a few minutes while I still tried to make my shirt look good. I didn't want anything to move from the place it was right now. Especially my stupid sticking in all directions hair that I somehow made look at least a little bit more presentable.
"Good. Now go rock Elena Gilbert's world." he said as he lead me to the door and I followed him with my slowly pace.
"I won't be rocking anyone's world. I just want her to have a good time tonight." I said sincerely, finally letting an annoyed sigh out. Doesn't he understand? It's not about sex at all. It's about loving another soul. It's so much bigger than anything else around is. It's life-ruining most of the time. And letting it all back in is just so hard and so overwhelming. Even holding her hand makes me shiver from joy, let alone when I touch her lips and I feel like I'm breaking in two. This isn't a game the love-struck foolish kids. It's a dance of two broken people, who are trying not to hurt each other more than they already are.
"I know, I'm just joking." he tapped me on the shoulder again, which honestly hurt because I've been carrying woods on it the whole day and now it was bruised. "Have a good time" he added and waited until I get to the car before he came back inside where he would probably just get drunk again. I really hated it when he did that, but no matter how hard I tried to make him stop once and for all it I just failed. Yeah-he could hold without it for a few days but that usually made it worse. He would get wasted again and I would go after his stupid ass and get him out of the next pothole he has collapsed in.
But he was my friend. And he was there in the past month when there were evenings I just couldn't get myself home after work, when I barely walked. He came, always. And he would scold me for an hour or so and try to convince me to finally do something about it, to listen to what the doctor in Atlanta said, but I just usually remained silent and thanked him a dozen times while he took me to his house since I couldn't let my brother see me like this. We were there for each other in our worse. That's what friendship is about in the first place.
While driving to Elena's house I calmed myself down a little. Peter was right-she was a girl, but she wasn't just any girl. She's the first one that made me feel something after Anna died. And that was a big thing for me since I never believed it could happen again. I never even hoped for my heart to beat so fast for another soul, because of affection. I never thought my hands would be so sweaty. I couldn't believe it's possible at all to feel love towards another girl again. To crave for her and her touch like I did for Elena.
I never believed I'll fall in love ever again.
I considered this to be a gift. One I should treat carefully and unwrap slowly. By some unknown reason fate wanted me to be happy again, to not feel alone. There was a reason behind it probably but how did I care what it was? I only wished to live-now, with her. Nothing else mattered. The guilt inside me-yes she was there but I'm done trying to deny its existence or to stop its influence on my decision-that can never happen, because I'll always feel something towards Anna too and it would always try to make me feel bad when it really it shouldn't be like this. I could use it for the better, I could use it to make her proud. Those stuff I felt in me-they should help me, not prevent me from living whatever was left of my pathetic life.
I stopped a little abruptly in front of their house and slowly took off to the door. It was a relatively warm night. As far as it could be like this in December. But there wasn't a cold wind and it wasn't snowing which was great. I took a few deep breaths before finally ringing the bell. Elena warned me that Jenna would probably open and give me a speech about what am I allowed to do and what not, which I sincerely found to be sweet. So when the door opened I tried to act as calm and as dependable as I could. Even though my whole posture screamed "Loser".
"Good evening, Miss Sommers."
"Stefan" she nodded and looked me from top to bottom trying to decide how come I looked so presentable tonight. She smiled, obviously satisfied-I guess I was good enough to go out with her niece. At least me and Peter could do something right in this stupid life if she considered me to be good-looking that evening.
"I'm here to pick Elena." I started trying to sound as confident as I could and for the first time my hoarse voice helped me sound a little more mature.
"Yeah, I know" she crossed her arms just like Elena did all the time and I wondered if it was a family thing. "About that, I want her back home by 11, yeah? My brother-in-law rules still count you know?"
"That's not a problem." I answered completely seriously. She looked behind her back because she obviously heard someone coming down the stairs. My heart would probably just stop very soon if I kept feeling like that. Can you die from love?
Jenna surprisingly leaned a little bit closer to me and almost closed the door in an attempt to give me a last notice. I was almost on the verge of breaking the flower's stem I was holding in my hand behind my back.
"Bring her back home with a smile on her face, yeah? I just can't keep watching her like this anymore." she was almost whispering.
"You got it." I smiled politely. Jenna really cared about her and I found that touching. She finally let the door open and I saw Elena putting her coat on. I've told her not to be too formal since I myself didn't own a suit and would be more casual. Plus I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable and prepare too much. I liked her when she had just little make up and when her hair was down, nothing else mattered. Not the way she was dressed anyway. She has put on a very sweet light red, high waste skirt and a white shirt on it. It made her look so sweet and I tried keeping my eyes off her long legs even though it was really hard. I decided to focus on her eyes and was happy to see the light in them. That encouraged me as well as her wide smile. Jenna excused herself and went to the kitchen and we just stood there for a moment observing each other and wondering how that can be reality at all.
"Elena you look simply amazing." I started as she finally took a few steps closer and I handed her the flowers while I leaned to kiss her gently on the cheek. Her scent left me helpless again. I always felt like that once I got near her.
"For me?" she asked surprised and I asked myself if another boy has ever given her flowers. How stupid was this Tyler idiot exactly?
"Of course." I answered and she smiled. I made a note to remember that she really likes flowers and promised to bring her every time I could. She watched them carefully and kept smiling more to herself than to me. "I'm still here you know? Waiting patiently" I started after a minute or so has passed like that. I was growing nervous again. She went inside to put them in water and came back in a minute so we finally headed to the car. I noticed that she put the scarf I brought her again and tried to keep my satisfied smile hidden. We intervened hands and I explained her that she might feel a little sick while I drive since with this leg it was hard for me to do so. I honestly haven't driven a car in more than two months and the last time I had to do it was because James needed diapers and Damon was away at work. It took me more than an hour to get back even though the store wasn't that far. She said it was ok and when I set off she had a hard time deciding how she should act so started joking about it myself in order to make the mood lighter and she followed me lead. I was wrong to think that I could be the only one worried tonight. She seemed pretty nervous herself and a few times she searched for my grip, trying to assure herself in something, obviously unknown to me.
I really hoped she wasn't doubting herself. What I wanted to do tonight was show her that her choice wasn't wrong. I didn't need anything else but to make her confident in herself and to help her realize she can trust me, because that was the most important thing in every relationship. If she could feel like she could lean on me in every moment no matter what was going on, than I'm doing it all right.
As we finally got to the place her eyes widened. She obviously didn't think I'll take her out here. Honestly, the place wasn't something that special. It was cool and nice and relatively expensive, but nothing that big so I was a little surprised to see her like that.
"Stefan…we are going to eat here?"
"Yeah, is there something wrong?" I was starting to worry again. What if she's been here and she doesn't like the place? Or if the food isn't good, or the people who come here were too fancy? Did I made a bad choice? But Damon and Bonnie also came here once and they told me it was pretty nice, so it can't be that bad, right?
"No, not at all. I haven't been here in such a long time. I'm just glad you have chosen this place. I really used to like coming here." she smiled reassuringly as she finally noticed my confused expression and took my hand in hers in order to calm me down. I accepted her warm embrace and we slowly started walking towards the entrance. Peter has picked me the best table there is-very suitable for my taste, honestly. It was in one of the corners where the light is a little more dim and it made it somehow more romantic. Plus it helped me hid all my physical flaws. The long tablecloth covered my crooked leg and for a moment I looked like a totally normal 18 year old boy.
"Did nobody take you out recently?" I asked casually but a bit curiously. Wasn't there like at least one decent boy in Mystic Falls? How do they treat girls?
"No." she shook her head a little sadly "Tyler never liked the idea of us spending our time together this way. I haven't really been on a real date if I have to be honest" she admitted and blushed a lot while lowering her look to the menu. I reached out for her hand and give her a small squeeze as I realized why she was so nervous in the first place. This was a whole new thing for her since obviously none of her former lovers took her out and made her feel special.
"Hey, it's all good." I said sincerely with my barely audible hoarse voice.
Elena's POV
He smiled encouragingly and I felt myself relax a little for the first time this evening. There wasn't any judgment in his eyes. He wasn't expecting anything from me. He just wanted us to have a good time, to talk, to smile, joke and eat. And that's exactly what happened. I really didn't know what people are supposed to do at dates. Do they like watch each other uncomfortably, trying to figure out what to say? And how do you eat in front of the boy you have a crush on? What if I messed my shirt? And what about the fact that I eat kind of fast? What he would think of me?
Surprisingly once we started talking I forgot about all those stuff and I almost didn't touch my meal. He ordered himself a big steak and offered me to take a bite and I really liked it which made him very happy. I guess he thought I was one of those innocent sweet slim girls who ate nothing but salads and he admitted that he loved me proving him wrong. So I basically ate half his meal, which was all cool because he didn't mind at all, he only smiled. I've never before seen him smile that much. It was almost unnatural, as if we were both in this dream and this couldn't be happening to us. He held my hand almost all of the time, he said he doesn't like letting me go, this evening especially and I found it cute, though I wasn't sure he understood it at all.
He still thought that a boy can never be cute. We even argued a little on the matter and he said that the only thing a boy should be is responsible and caring towards the girl he likes. Cute doesn't help anyone and he couldn't really get what it meant. He said he remembers a girl in their neighborhood calling Damon cute when they were little so after that they spent the afternoon wondering what exactly does this mean and concluded it's must be something fluffy like their stuffed animals so they went to a mirror to see if there was anything like that on them in that moment. I laughed so much at this that even a few older couples turned towards our table with furrowed eyebrows, but as they saw how young and sincere in our love we were they smiled and got back to their conversations.
I really wanted us to talk more about him but he somehow always turned the subject to me. He seemed so eager to me that evening, so full of light, so excited-I've never seen him like this before. It made me forget about the fact that he had this big circles under his eyes again or that his movements were slow and patient or that he seemed beyond tired. I forgot about reality once he smiled at me. He asked me about how it all went with the dinner last week and about Jenna and my brother. And just everything. And as we started one subject we always somehow went down another road and got to discuss subject like my dreams or my childhood or how I met Caroline and all the naughty stuff we did as girls.
"You are in a pretty good mood tonight" I finally let out almost at the end of the dinner.
"I'm just…appreciating the fact that such a beautiful girl chose to go out with me." he admitted and looked away. "I consider myself to be a lucky guy these days."
"Stefan…you can't make me feel so uncomfortable all the time!" I almost scolded him but regretted it once I saw the confusion on his face.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." he sounded sincere. "I just…like to compliment you. And if I think you look beautiful tonight, why can't I just say it?"
"You can, but um…it really makes me blush."
"Well I find that sweet." he said and leaned back on the chair with his arms crossed feeling victorious. He has won this one. "And that's the equivalent for cute for girls, right?"
I laughed again and he just smiled sincerely, satisfied by the fact that he got something right. He had such a warm smile, behind which I could still see the pain of everything he's ever been through. But that was ok, that made him real. I don't believe half the guys I dated had any idea what it is to struggle and be in pain and to try to support you family. He always seemed so wise to me and down to earth. And I always felt like a stupid high school cheerleader around him that has no idea about anything at all. In his company he treated me as if I was the only girl in the world and I honestly liked that, because it made me forget all the bad stuff in my life and because well..no boy ever treated me like that.
We stayed in the restaurant until after ten when he offered to go out and have a walk before he gets me home, to which I eagerly said yes. I loved walking with him. Just us being together slowly observing all around us was enough for me. As we finally got out after he has helped me put my coat on, I instinctively caught his new jacket and pulled him closer for a kiss. He smiled in the pauses in which we were trying to take our breath and eventually he just grabbed my hands just as I tried to touch his face and kissed me gently on the cheek, blocking all my movements and leaving me helpless. After he decided it was enough he just stopped but didn't pull away, on the contrary, we got closer, our noses touched for a moment and he remained with his eyes closed while I observed his silent moment, wondering what he was thinking about.
He went to buy me hot chocolate again, which was very sweet and this time I started asking him questions. I wanted to know what he did in Chicago since he seemed a little distracted ever since he got back and I was wondering what was going on. He cleared all my suspicious as he admitted that Damon was finally ok with him leaving and I smiled, trying to sound cheerful and supporting, but I couldn't make the pit in my stomach disappear. With every passing day our separation started to seem more and more real. It was like one of those things that you thing you've started accepting but actually you've just put it in the back of your mind and banned yourself from thinking about it because it only makes your heart hurt. And once it really becomes reality you realize how hard everything really is going to be and you start lacking air. I wish I never get there. I just couldn't imagine what it would do to me. And how I'll overcome it.
We arrived home a little after eleven and he pulled me close for a kiss again.
"I don't want this night to end." he whispered and our eyes met.
"I don't want this life to end." I whispered in return and gave him a small kiss "I like being with you-here, now. And in case you haven't figured that out by now-I really like you. "
"I really like you too" he smiled and that was it all. He could make me melt from only his hands touching my waist. He pushed me to the side of the house and I prayed that Jenna was already somehow asleep and couldn't hear the excitement we let out of us just being so close to each other. Instinctively he let his hands down my waist but because he was the perfect gentlemen he somehow decided that was inappropriate and pulled them back, but I stopped him and caught his right palm, giving him the permission to touch what he initially wanted to. I felt his lips forming a smile while he continued kissing me. I still wondered how I managed to catch my breath while he was doing that. It felt like he was getting the life out of me-simple so helpless.
I undid some buttons at the bottom of his shirt as my hands were finding their way to his waist and chest. Even though the weather was cold I found him to be too warm again and for a moment I worried that something was going on with him again but he made me forget about it as he continued leaving wet kisses down my neck. My fingers came across something that must have been a scar on his right side and I pulled away concerned, but he stopped me.
"Elena..it's fine. It's only a scar."
"Is that where they.." I didn't want to say the word out loud because I didn't want to believe that someone can stab an innocent and honest boy in the stomach like that. I couldn't imagine the pain he must've been in, I didn't want to even think about it but I was and it terrified me. He was one step away from dying and now he wouldn't be standing here, making my world turn upside down only by touching or kissing me and that scared me so much I almost trembled.
"Yeah. " he nodded seriously but he realized I was scared so he tried to make a joke out of it "It's pretty cool, huh?" he added smiling while his hand was still on top of mine in that exact sport and I felt like we were burning up. He removed it though and let me embrace him in a hug. I just wanted to feel his strong arms against my skinny body.
"It's not cool, Stefan." I responded maybe a little harsh and looked down.
"Well that's because you haven't seen the rest of them." he winked, still trying to make something good of the whole situation.
"How can you joke about that?"
"Well I'm not gonna start self pitying myself" he sighed, furrowing his eyebrows a little, as if I couldn't understand his logic at all "so I could at least try to find the good in it."
"There is nothing good in you being almost dead."
"There is good in every single thing in this world. Even in the worst of them. It's hard to see it sometimes, because the good gets consumed by the darkness, but if you remember to look for it and realize that it's just in front of you it can be beautiful. Me being here now, being alive-that's the good. Because if I wasn't I couldn't do that" he leaned and kissed me gently on the cheek."Or that" and he poked me in the ribs and I chuckled "And I wouldn't be able to get the most beautiful girl in town out to dinner tonight." I smiled in return. I wanted to admit to him how much I was in love with him right now. I wanted him to know what he's doing to me, how he's making the good in me come out too. To thank him that he saw it and believed in it in my worse moments.
But I couldn't. I don't know what was it that just stuck up in my throat and even got me scared-why was I silent? Why wasn't I being honest with the only guy that deserved it? What was stopping me?
"Umm..Elena" we almost jumped realizing that Jenna has silently opened the door and was staring at both of us with her hands crossed and a little angry expression. I knew she wasn't really like that, she just wanted to play tough and seem like a responsible parent. She wasn't that mad that she caught us snuggling on her front porch or anything…I hope? "It's past eleven thirty so you might wanna get inside."
"Yeah.." I said a little nervously and smiled towards Stefan, who seemed kind of uncomfortable that our aunt caught us with our hands all over each other. He even blushed and caught his hat in his hands, nervously playing with it. "Good night, Stefan." I said and winked him playfully as Jenna finally turned her back towards us. He relaxed a little and wished good night politely to my aunt, even though she was no longer paying attention to him, then smiled at me and slowly faded away into the night.
I didn't want him to leave like that. Not before I've told him all I wanted. I had this bad feeling in my stomach and thought I have to say the words out loud or something might screw up. But then again why rush? It was all good until now, all going slowly and it was perfect-it made my feelings stronger. To say something now would be a mistake, it might scare him away. It might scare me if I decided to admit it. Once you say you are in love with someone it becomes a little more real. And reality is something that I hated and avoided as best as I could, because I believed it made me feel safer.
But did it really?