PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

PART III.

"I don't really know what my father is 'cause he abandoned us. I barely remember him, but I do remember how much it hurt when he left."

— Felicity Smoak, episode 2.13

AUGUST 2010

"Okay, you're freaking me out."

Taylor jumped a little on the bench and looked at her best friend who had been seated next to her in silence for the past ten minutes. It wouldn't worry Felicity that much if Taylor hadn't come for a surprise visit and taken upon herself to take her out for a lunch break. Felicity only had an hour before she was expected back in her cubicle by her lame-ass manager who couldn't do half of what she could.

While waiting her best friend out, Felicity had decided to try (and fail) to eat a melting ice cream. She grimaced at her cone, tilting her head on the side to lick the dripping cream from the cone just as another part was sliding on her fingers.

Taylor shook her head.

"You're worst than Lilly at this, I swear. Even my five year-old knows how to eat an ice cream without making a mess of herself."

"Five and a half," Felicity grumbled, giving a murderous glance at her now sticky fingers.

"What?"

"Lilly's five and a half. The half part of her age is super important right now, she's as anal about it as you can be about my dating life."

"Well she is my daughter after all."

The two young women looked ahead where the girl they were talking about was climbing a slide and settling on it. They stayed quiet for a moment, while Felicity debated whether to give up on that ice cream situation. On the one hand, she really liked mint chipped ice cream. On the other hand, she felt disgusting and it was so hot outside there was no way to win against it. She wasn't even sure she'd ever dare go back to work and touch her keyboard with such dirty hands.

Felicity frowned, then figured that she couldn't exactly get more gross than she was right now. And the good thing about hanging out with your best friend and her five (and a half) year-old daughter was that they always had baby wipes around. Taylor could claim that Lilly was better at eating ice cream, Felicity was proud to say that she still beat the kid at rolling herself in the dirt (by not doing it). Which meant that her fingers and mouth were the only thing she had to wash after she was done with that annoying ice cream.

After another drop of ice cream fell on the floor between her legs, Felicity rolled her eyes at herself, deciding to eat the whole thing entirely and be done with it. She cleaned her fingers with Lilly's wipes and caught Taylor's worried glance. Felicity frowned again.

"T, what's wrong?"

She was no longer surprised by Taylor Young's surprise visits every year at any random moment (but mostly in the summer). The last time Taylor was this quiet however, she was telling her that she thought she was pregnant. Felicity hoped to everything that was holy that this silence treatment wasn't a repeat of that time six years ago.

Taylor looked Felicity in the eyes for a long moment, in a way that had never happened before. She looked like she was seeing Felicity for the first time, like she was a mystery to solve. Felicity found that she was thirty seconds away from freaking the hell out.

"You never talk about your dad," Taylor finally said.

Okay, Felicity was NOT expecting that. At all. At that point, she was expecting something along the lines of "my mother's dead", or "your mother's dead"… Obviously something about motherhood. And death, apparently. Taken completely aback, she could only half shrug.

"There's not really anything to say. It's not like I've got a ton of memories to share about him."

She was surprised by the bitterness that even she could hear in her tone.

"Do you think about him a lot?"

Now this was just surprise on top of more surprise. Like Russian dolls of surprise and unexpected questions. Who could be interested in her parents? Or her (lack of) relationship with them, for that matter?

Felicity pulled a non-committal face.

"I used to. Not anymore. Why are you suddenly interested in my dad?"

Felicity had an idea of the answer, and she wasn't stunned when Taylor straight up ignored that question.

"But even as kids… I mean, when we met in the sixth grade you didn't talk about him either. You never bring him up, and even… You know, you never talk about your mom either."

Felicity blinked.

"What is this about T? Since when are my mommy and daddy issues that interesting?"

She couldn't believe that she was actually wishing Taylor would go back to nagging her about her (lack of a) love life. Taylor leaned back against the seat of the bench and brushed her dark hair out of her face, apparently hell bent on figuring out Felicity's silence about specific topics.

"You act like it doesn't affect you, and I don't know… It's impressing. I'm a total mess because my mom was a bitch to me once six years ago and you've basically been through ten times worse and you're… so collected, and fine. How do you do that?"

"Come on, T, I haven't been through ten times worse. Sure, I wasn't the poster child for the typical American family of happiness but it wasn't that bad. A ton of kids are abandoned by their dad, it's sadly very common."

"I'm not sure that many go to M.I.T and turn out as okay and hopeful and kind as you."

"Aw, now you're just being a sap," Felicity joked, playfully punching her best friend in the arm.

The truth was, she wasn't really at ease with the topic. She didn't really give that much thought to her father because what her imagination came up with was too sad or depressing to deal with.

Taylor smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. She went back to stare at her daughter who was now playing with a little kid with blond hair and blue eyes. He couldn't have been older than two years old and had gained the older girl's affection. She was trying to help him climb the ladder to the slide and cheered him on. Felicity couldn't help but think that maybe she wanted a little brother.

The I.T girl remembered thinking exactly the same before her father left. Wondering why she didn't have a baby brother to play with. Of course, once her dad bailed, everything became clearer.

"She asked, didn't she?" Felicity whispered, tilting her head in Lilly's direction.

Her heart was beating so loud, it was threatening to get out of her chest. It was the first time in six years that her best friend was bringing up the topic of "fathers". It could only mean one thing. Taylor turned her head in Felicity's direction, caught off guard. Then she cast her eyes on the floor and barely nodded.

"Last week, it was her friend Tamara's birthday. Her dad had set the whole thing up… And all the other kids' daddies were coming to pick them up."

"What did you tell her?"

Taylor wiped a hand over her face and shrugged, chuckling humorlessly. Self-deprecatingly.

"I deflected. I knew… I knew since the day she was born that I'd be in that exact situation one day. I just hoped… I just hoped it would take longer."

"She's going to ask again, T. Do you have an answer to give to her?"

Taylor stayed quiet, her eyes trained on her daughter once more.

"You were, what, seven when your dad split?" she started again. "Did you ever ask your mom why?"

Felicity's fingers started picking at the wipe she'd used, trying to test its elasticity distractedly.

"Well, like Cole said, I don't know how to take a hint, you know."

Taylor's eyes darkened in anger at the mention of Cole the Asshole, but Felicity ignored it. It didn't hurt anymore when she thought of what he did.

"It took me forever to understand that he was just gone. He bailed while I was at school and I remember, I kept pestering my mom about where Dad was, why he wasn't home yet, when he would come home… You know how I get. I was relentless. I mean, I was just a kid, it's not like… I realized later, she was waiting for him to come back too. She cried herself to sleep every night; I could hear her. I remember the day she stopped waiting, the day she stopped hoping. She said it would only be the two of us from now on. I never asked how she knew. She wasn't crying anymore. That was enough for me."

Taylor stayed quiet for a moment.

"When did you stop hoping?"

Felicity looked away and shrugged.

"I have no idea. My situation with my parents has nothing to do with Lilly's, though."

Taylor chuckled self-deprecatingly.

"You grew up without a father and with a fucked up mother. Seems pretty similar to me. I just… I guess I'm just trying to make sure she turns out like you."

"Taylor you're anything but a fucked up mother. And mine wasn't always fucked up. She just… She doesn't get me, she doesn't understand who I am and what I like. She and I, we have nothing in common. She can't understand why I've always been more interested in books, in studying, in being by myself when she's such a people person, so outgoing, so into men and partying… My parents were Prom King and Queen. Not the nerds who can't manage to talk normally to people. We can't be in the same room because we just… She doesn't get me, and she wants me to be someone that I'm not. I'm not a people person, I'm not worldly, I'm not the hot chick all the guys are interested in and that's okay with me. It's not okay with her, but it's not my problem."

Taylor gulped and looked down. Felicity kept other truths for herself. She didn't tell Taylor that she knew that Donna Smoak was still in love with Felicity's father. Felicity had found their prom picture in her wallet so many times. She knew without a doubt that if Jack came back one day, Donna would welcome him, arms wide-open and she would forgive everything. Forget about the past fifteen years of the two of them struggling to pay bills, of her mother having to work shitty shifts to make more money.

Felicity also knew her mother blamed herself for Felicity turning out the way she had. For being socially awkward and a nerd. She had spent so much time alone, babysitting herself as soon as she was six, making dinner with the microwave, and fixing said microwave when it broke down because her mother couldn't afford another one. Donna thought that if she had spent a little more time with her daughter, maybe she could have taught her how not to be so weird, how to dress to impress, how to be a mini-version of her.

When Felicity told her that she wanted to go to M.I.T, Donna saw it as a betrayal. Not just because she was doing exactly the same thing as her father — leaving her mom behind. But because, by going to a fancy school, by embracing her brains and a better future, she felt like Felicity was spitting on what her mother was. Who her mother was. But Felicity couldn't shake where she came from. M.I.T had helped her understand that she didn't wear a t-shirt that said "I've been abandoned, my parents are low-lives". She could start fresh. But she still saw herself the way her mom did. Maybe deep down, she didn't want to betray her further, in a twisted way.

"Lilly is a happy kid. She's always smiling, and you do everything for her. There will be difficult times because the poor kid's inherited your 'charming' personality. But at some point she'll know that you're doing your best."

Taylor nodded, her throat tight.

"What will you tell her if she asks again, when she grows up?"

Taylor shook her head.

"I have no idea."

Felicity closed her eyes and braced herself.

"How about the truth?"

She tried to look as chill as possible but she was half expecting Taylor to lie to her face again. That was why Felicity never brought that topic up. She wasn't sure Taylor was ready to face it. And she was right: her best friend looked her in the eyes and Felicity saw fear, anguish, worry veiling them.

"I can't tell her the truth," she admitted.

"Why?"

Taylor shook her head, unable to speak. Felicity's hand dropped on her shoulder, and figured she could help Taylor confess a little bit.

"I think you're lying when you say that you don't know who her father is. I remember the months before you got pregnant. We were going out and drinking but you never went home with guys. You always slept at my place."

Taylor's green eyes flew to meet Felicity's again, and this time it was shame she was seeing in them.

"You skipped school then. It was during the day. And you were never high nor drunk during the day. You know who the father is, and I have to say…"

Felicity took a deep breath and blew it slowly.

"I've never brought it up because there can only be two reasons for you to keep that secret. In any case, your relationship with that man was illegal. Either you're covering him because you loved him, or still love him, or you're keeping quiet because you're scared, because he hurt you."

There was a heavy, loaded silence where the two girls looked into each other's eyes, before Taylor's face covered in surprise.

"Hold on, hold on, hold on! You think I was raped?" she breathed out.

Felicity opened her mouth, as Taylor's eyes bugged out of her face.

"Holy shit, Smoak! No, thank GOD nothing happened against my will, it was nothing like that! Definitely the first situation. Not legal. Head over heels in love with him."

Felicity released a deep sigh of relief that she didn't know she needed to release. She literally hated mysteries, and her mind had been reeling for the past six years about the identity of Lilly's father. If it wasn't some dark, horrible and painful reason, then it would be much more difficult for Felicity to not pester her best friend about the guy.

"Who is he then?"

Taylor smiled evilly and shrugged.

"That, Smoak, I'm not telling."

Felicity opened her mouth in outrage.

"What? But! You have to! Who is it? Taylor, I hate mysteries!"

She was going to respond, a devious smirk already in place when she stopped and frowned.

"You never talk about your dad," she repeated, thinking out loud.

Felicity arched an eyebrow, unimpressed.

"We covered that already, weren't you there?"

"No, I mean… You hate mysteries, you said it. You never mentioned looking for him. It's not like you to leave something like that alone."

"I lasted six years before calling you on your crap about Lilly's father and it's been eating at me. I knew that if you were lying to my face it was because you had a good reason. I can accept that even if it bugs me. But I must admit, I'm a sucker for that face people make when they come up with lame excuses. I wish you could have seen your face when you told your mom you didn't remember who Lilly's father was."

Taylor smirked, proudly this time, and tilted her head to Felicity.

"You're deflecting," she sing-sung.

Felicity rolled her eyes.

"Is that your way of calculating the odds of Lilly looking for her father?"

Taylor snorted and pulled the wipe Felicity was slowly ripping to shreds.

"No. It's me trying to get you to open up about your dad. Did you ever look for him? It's not like you couldn't. You're the one managing my bank account. Don't think I didn't notice."

Both their lips spread into a smile, Felicity's being more sheepish and Taylor's proud.

"No, I never looked for him. You're looking at this the wrong way. My dad leaving is not a mystery. I know why he left, I already told you. He left because my mom and I, we weren't what made him happy. And I… It hurts, knowing that I am part of the reason he's not here, or that I wasn't enough for him to even stay in touch. So the only way I can rationalize that, it's that in the end, I'm better off without him. It's not a mystery."

"Don't you wonder though? Where he is?"

Felicity shrugged once more, playing with one of the remnants of the wipe on her knee.

"Sometimes, but I force myself to stop because it's no use and it hurts. It's not my place to look for him. He left on his own accord. If he hasn't tried to make contact with me, it's either because he doesn't care or because he dares not. Either way, I'm not interested in having a relationship with that kind of person. He wasn't happy with my mom, I can understand that… You want advice about being a kid who grows up without a father?"

She didn't give time to Taylor to respond, her distant eyes looking at nothing.

"Tell her the truth, whatever it is. Tell her you loved her father, and you were gifted with her, and that you wish it were different but her dad can't be in the picture right now. Don't stay quiet. Answer truthfully, that's the only way it'll work. And whatever happens, make her realize that if her dad is not in the picture it's not because of her, it's not because she was born. There's nothing more painful than being convinced that you're the reason your parents are unhappy with their life, and would rather walk away than stay and fight."

Taylor's hand came to wrap around Felicity's, and pressed it lightly, bringing the smallest smile on the other woman's face.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"I guess I had stuff to say in the end…" Felicity chuckled, looking up hoping that the moisture in her eyes would disappear. "I'm happier on my own."

"Are you?" Taylor found herself asking.

Felicity blinked. "Am I what?"

"Are you happy? With your life? With being an IT specialist in a multinational company? You went back to blending in, you know. You hide your industrial piercing with your beautiful hair, you dress in faded colors…"

"Haa we're going back to that. I don't try to blend in, stop it I just don't have time to buy clothes. And I don't need to be the center of attention, I'm better off in the backstage, you know. As for the piercing, my manager told me himself that he'd prefer if I didn't wear it. I have to hide it."

"Urgh, lame," was Taylor's remark. "Wow, check that uptight chick!"

Felicity raised her eyes and saw immediately who Taylor was talking about. Felicity had to admit, she did not share her best friend's opinion about the woman who was walking towards the Queen Consolidated building. She bit her lips and chuckled anyway. Typical Taylor. To be truthful, the woman reminded Felicity of Mrs Young when she attended an important meeting.

"Ha, of course she's uptight. She's my boss."

Taylor's eyebrows rose on her forehead.

"That's your manager?" she shrieked. "I thought it was a forty-something bold dude, not a hot fifty year-old mother of three!"

"I said she was my boss, not my manager. And she's a mother of two. Or, well, one now. She lost her son at sea three years ago. I'd look uptight too if I lost my son and husband on the same day."

Taylor blinked and pointed at the woman with her thumb.

"That's Moira Queen?"

Felicity nodded, her eyes trained on the steely, classy woman who walked across the pavement in front of the building with purpose and grace at the same time.

"Damn!" Taylor whistled. "Talk about an Ice Queen!"

"I know, right?" Felicity whispered, as if Moira Queen could hear her (Felicity was convinced she could, somehow). "She scares the shit out of me. Sometimes, she comes to the I.T department, and she acts like she wants to support us but she just… I think she looks past us but I'm not sure. I'm so glad I blend in then. I don't think she knows who I am."

Taylor's expression mirrored exactly Felicity's. For once, the two girls were as impressed as the other by a person. It was rare enough to make Felicity want to clap.

"She'd probably put a hit on you if she did."

"Why?" Felicity asked, offended. "I didn't do anything to her! Why would she want to have me killed?"

Taylor shrugged, her eyes still following Moira who was talking animatedly with Walter Steele. Felicity's heart warmed at the sight. She couldn't explain why, but she actually really liked Walter. When he came to the I.T department, he always remembered who she was and asked her how she was doing. Sure, he was probably just being nice, but that was rare enough too so Felicity knew how to appreciate this consideration. She'd never forget that he was the one who came to look for her at M.I.T. For someone so used to being left out, being pursued by someone (platonically of course!) was refreshing. She couldn't be anything but biased where he was concerned.

"I don't know, she looks like someone who would put a hit on an enemy. Maybe she's crushed with guilt and loss and she takes it out on people that she gets angry at."

Felicity was going to argue that she'd never even spoken to the woman, and demand to know why Moira Queen would be angry at her, when the person concerned smiled kindly and leaned to plant a short but tender kiss on Walter's lips.

"Or she's totally over it," Taylor deadpanned.

Felicity felt herself turn completely red, but she couldn't explain why. Maybe because she really admired Walter and she was surprised that he could be attracted to such a… Cold woman. But then again…

"Good for her," Felicity commented, trying to appear casual. "I mean, she needs to move on, she can't be mourning her husband and her son for the rest of her life. And Walter's a really good man."

Taylor gave Felicity a dismissive side-eye.

"I'm sure she'll be delighted to know that you approve."

"Whatever, I only ever deal with Walter anyway. I hope I never have to talk to her. Can you imagine how it'd go? I'd find a way to bring up her dead family."

Taylor chuckled.

"Too bad her son died, he was really hot."

Felicity shrugged.

"How do you even know who he is? I only do because people still talk about it at work."

"Eh, what can I say, I have a thing for man-whores; their sex-life is way more entertaining than mine that's for sure."

Felicity rolled her eyes, just as Lilly came bouncing back to them, still waving goodbye to the little guy who was leaving with his mother. Felicity ignored Lilly's babbles about the little boy, whom she had apparently learned everything there was to know about (his name was Connor, he and his mom lived in Central City but were spending their holidays in Starling with Connor's grandparents), too focused on staring at Moira Queen on the other side of the sidewalk as she disappeared in the building.

"He's like me," Lilly was saying when Felicity tuned back in. "He doesn't have a daddy, I asked!"

Taylor only smiled, and kissed the top of Lilly's head before she stood up.

"It's not polite to ask about things like that, honey."

"Why?"

Felicity chuckled and shook her head. She was so glad Lilly never asked her anything about social etiquette. Her answer would probably always be "you're asking me?" accompanied by an awkward snort-laugh. She'd done it once, earning a murderous glance from her best friend. It was then decided that Felicity would only deal with teaching her goddaughter 'school stuff' and leave anything socially related to her worldly mother.

"It might make other people feel awkward. Now let's go, Aunt Fleety's gotta go back to work."

Lilly was perfectly capable of enunciating her name correctly but the nickname had stuck over the years. Knowing that Taylor was way too amused by its sound, Felicity had stopped battling and embraced what she still thought was a lame-ass moniker.

"Ooooooh!" the little girl sighed in disappointment.

Her shoulders slumped but she still went on the tip of her toes, hugging her godmother fiercely.

"How 'bout I make it up to you by watching The Little Mermaid when I get home?"

She couldn't stand the movie anymore, knowing every line by heart by now, but Lilly's eyes brightened with actual sparkles, making her feel slightly better about having to work while her best friend was visiting.

Sure, the devious grin that spread Lilly's lips left Felicity with the feeling that she had been played, but she found that she didn't care. She only got to see the kid once a year, she didn't mind sitting through that damn Disney movie for the hundredth time in a row if that made her happy.

"Yaaaaaaay!" Lilly screamed.

"Aunt Fleety's gonna need a bottle of wine or two if we're going through with these thrilling plans," Felicity commented drily, making sure that the message was well received by her mother.

The laugh that followed her sentence proved that she wouldn't be disappointed.

When Felicity went back to work, she couldn't help but look around her to make sure that Moira Queen wasn't in the lobby anymore (and felt like a coward and a child by doing so). That day was her lucky day: she snuck back to work without anyone noticing she had disappeared longer than her break usually allowed her to.

Blending in had its perks.

JULY 2011

Wade's lips drifted from her jaw to her lips, claiming them in a searing kiss that would have left Felicity with wobbly knees if she wasn't currently laying under him on her sofa. Or at least, she thought she'd get wobbly knees. Wade was good kisser, she thought. He was no Perfect Night, mind you, but then again, Felicity had had to lower her expectations since that night was exceptional in every way. Life wasn't supposed to be "exceptional" every day, otherwise exceptional became banal and then you expected awesome constantly and you were always disappointed even with great things.

Wow. How philosophical of her. Was it wrong that she was thinking about Perfect Night while she was making out with a cute guy? She'd met him in a coffee shop when she'd spilled her latte on his shirt and they'd had five dates before she invited him for a nightcap.

She remembered vividly how he'd blushed and babbled that yes, sure, he would be delighted. Heh. It was cool not to be the only nervous one for once. So nervous she'd had to take complete charge of the whole thing if she wanted to get any. Which she had. Gotten some, of course.

Now he felt a little more confident, if his hand dipping under her shirt was any indication.

"Do you like that?" he asked timidly.

Felicity nodded, unable to prevent herself from thinking about a conversation she'd had with Taylor about guys asking if they were doing it right. Taylor found it annoying ("When they don't do it right, I tell them, dammit! Just shut up and do your thing!"), but Felicity found it thoughtful and overall adorable. She couldn't help but be thankful for being born in an era where most men actually cared about getting a girl to enjoy having sex with them. Granted, sometimes they only did to make themselves feel good ("I'm such a stud!" — Asshole Cole) but as long as she didn't go home unhappy, she guessed she didn't mind.

Holy shit, did she have to think about Taylor when she was making out with him?

SHIT. TAYLOR.

"What?" Wade whispered, leaning back on his elbows as Felicity tried to sit up and bumped head with him. "Aoutch!"

"Aow!" Felicity complained, her hand flying to her forehead. "I'm sorry."

"What's wrong? Who's Taylor?"

Felicity shut her eyes, trying to get the pain to ebb away, which was stupid because her eyes were not exactly putting any pressure on her bumped forehead.

"I think I have a concussion!"

Wade frowned but shook his head knowingly.

"It's highly unlikely," he stated.

Wade was a medical laboratory scientist at Starling City Hospital and had a little knowledge on the topic. Usually, it was kind of fun, but right that moment, Felicity didn't like his lack of appreciation for dramatics.

"You didn't answer me, though! Who's Taylor? Did I do something wrong?"

Felicity could hear the vulnerability in Wade's voice, and felt bad for him. She shouldn't have been thinking about other stuff while they were making out (she hadn't even told him that she was liking what he was doing!) but at the same time, she had completely forgotten that she had a guest arriving that day.

"Taylor's my best friend and I totally forgot that I'm supposed to pick up her daughter at the airport in…" she looked at the clock on her wall and had a mini-inside freak out, "darn, an hour."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry, it totally slipped my mind I didn't think to tell you, I offered to host her daughter for a week so she could enjoy her first ever holidays with her boyfriend."

Wade still seemed perplexed.

"You're passing on your vacation so you can take care of someone else's baby?"

"Lilly's not a baby, she's going on seven!" Felicity protested. "Taylor had her when we were sixteen and she's been in this serious relationship for over a year now but her and Jason have never been just the two of them, you know? So I offered to take the little one with me during my own vacation! It's gonna be fun!"

"Oh," was all Wade said, a little disappointed. "So I won't get to see you this week?"

"I mean, I'll be busy but we can still hang. You'll probably be bored though, Lilly's very girly and she's super outdoorsy."

Wade grimaced, and she felt sympathy. Wade was not exactly the "wild" kind, which she guessed she kind of found endearing. Therefore, she was glad when he said he'd be happy to hang if she wanted but wouldn't be offended if she preferred to just stay with her goddaughter.

That's how Felicity found herself rushing through goodbyes with Wade in order to clean her apartment a little bit. She was pretty sure bottles of red wine were not supposed to be laying around with empty glasses, and she knew for sure that she wouldn't be taken seriously if literally all her clothes were spread across her room. She jumped in her car and drove furiously to the airport, already chastising herself for being late.

She'd forgotten about a kid just because she was making out with her boyfriend? Who the hell did that?

Heh, she knew, and the answer did not please her. Her mother forgot about her kid for a guy. She'd always promised herself that if she ever had kids they would come before anything. She wasn't even a mother and she was already failing at making sure the child she was in charge of was safe. What if Lilly thought she'd been forgotten? What if the cops were already taking her in to protect her, and they called Taylor and she freaked?

Felicity's hand dug in her purse to retrieve a Mars bar that she ate in two bites without even realizing it.

She would be a terrible mother and a terrible caretaker. Was she supposed to baby proof the apartment? Surely at seven Lilly wouldn't hurt herself with drawers, right? Taylor had been coming at her home almost every year for the past six years and the apartment had never been baby proofed. She should have asked Taylor.

She was so freaking unprepared.

She had made a list of everything that could be fun. What if they had nothing to talk about? What if Lilly didn't want to do anything? What if she was like her mother and ran off with some boy and she couldn't control anything?

Once more, Felicity reminded herself that the kid was seven. It sounded improbable. She probably thought boys had cooties. Maybe Felicity could tell her about herpes and gonorrhea, and… scar her for life. Yeah, no, that sounded like a terrible idea.

Why, why, why on Earth had she offered to keep Lilly for an entire week? And she even had to insist because Taylor felt so guilty about it! Leaving her kid to a friend so she could enjoy quiet holidays with her boyfriend? Such a Donna Smoak thing to do! But Lilly had been eager, and she didn't mind at all.

Felicity parked, trying to slow her heartbeat down and not give in to the major freak out she was currently experiencing. She could do it. Looking at the screens, she learnt that Lilly's plane had barely landed, and she knew that the children flying by themselves were the last ones to get out.

Two Mars bars and an empty pack of skittles later, Felicity saw the petite frame of a raven-haired little girl come out behind a stewardess. She didn't even have time to panic about the reality of the situation that Lilly was already running past the lady and tackling Felicity.

"AUNT FLEETY!"

"Hey monkey!"

The little girl hugged her with impressive strength, kissing her so hard on the cheek that Felicity felt a bruise coming. The obvious joy that Lilly was displaying immediately dissipated all of Felicity's anxiety. She looked down at the girl and grinned happily, holding out her hand for her to take. Lilly did not hesitate one second and slipped it in, swaying it with giddiness. Felicity's heart warmed as she texted Taylor that everything was fine — most of all her daughter.

The week flew by and every day ended up being very fun. Despite everything that Taylor had told Felicity ("I can't get her to go to a museum. Worst thing is, I can't blame her." "Brace yourself for a fight when it's time to go to sleep", "Vegeta-what? All she says she likes is candy!") Lilly was game for anything. Granted, Felicity had to trick her a lot in order to get what she wanted (she didn't think it was good parenting but Taylor didn't have to know and it got the work done).

Five days into the week, Felicity invited Wade to tag along, introducing him as a friend when they went to the zoo where he was very funny and provided random info about the animals they encountered. When the two girls came back to Felicity's little town house, she offered to make cookies, which Lilly accepted in a uncharacteristically sober way.

They were kneading the dough when Lilly began shooting her with questions. After five days, Felicity had grown a little accustomed to that tendency (she was her mother's daughter after all) but it was still leaving her wary.

"Aunt Fleety, why don't you have kids?"

Yep. Still leaving her wary. Felicity pressed her lips together, raking her brains for an appropriate answer. Boy, she made it difficult.

"Mh, ehh… because I'm too young, and I haven't met the right person?"

Lilly frowned. The resemblance with her mother was usually uncanny but when she frowned Lilly took that to eerily levels. The only thing that she hadn't had from her mother was her eyes. They were so brown they almost turned as black as her hair when she was upset. Felicity often wondered if they reminded Taylor of Lilly's father when she looked into her daughter's eyes.

"You can't be too young. Mommy had me when she was sixteen. And isn't Wade your boyfriend? You said he was a friend, but Mommy said the same thing when she introduced Jason to me and he was not just a friend."

Slippery slope! And what was that sanctimonious tone? She was seven! She wasn't supposed to have such strong opinions! Heh. When she was seven, Felicity dismantled everything that resembled a computer to understand how it worked. Maybe she should feel lucky that Lilly wasn't deconstructing the television or her brand new laptop.

"Huumm… Haaa, well your mom and me are different, you know? She… Obviously ended up being ready before me?"

How could she be so terrible at this? Couldn't Lilly keep asking questions like "why is the sky blue?" or "what is a color?"? That, Felicity could actually answer, however freaky it might sound. Worst case scenario, Google could help! But what was she supposed to google there?

"I don't understand," Lilly stated.

"Of course you don't," Felicity muttered to herself. "It's really complicated. I guess you'll understand when you're older?"

She found herself praying that it would be enough for Lilly. But praying led her nowhere.

"Is it because you're not married? Mommy says most people get married, but she didn't get married to my dad. I think Jason wants to marry Mommy, he asked me if I'd mind."

Felicity's eyes popped out of her face.

"He what? He's going to propose?"

"It's supposed to be a secret! You're cool, so I decided I could let you in on it, but you can't tell her okay?"

Felicity blinked. Was she being told by a seven year old?

"I'll keep the secret, sure. So… You gave him your blessing? You like Jason?"

Lilly shrugged. "He makes Mommy smile a lot, and he buys me ice cream when we go out. He never gives me time out or yell at me when Mommy would." She gave Felicity a sly, impish grin. "When I cry he always makes a weird face like he doesn't know what to do with me. It's fun."

"You're evil."

Once again, Lilly shrugged. "I hate it when Mommy gives me time out."

"I'm sure she only does it when you deserve it, and it means that she cares," Felicity provided philosophically. "Trust me, it's better than a mom that doesn't."

"Your Mommy never gave you time out?" the little girl asked, eyes glowing with admiration.

Oh. And one more slippery slope. Talking about her childhood with Lilly when she was this young couldn't be a good thing. And they weren't even in the same situation. Also, so far, she'd always dodged the "daddy-questions" bullet and she was really hoping to leave it that way.

"Does it mean you're getting a brother or sister?" Felicity deflected, hoping to distract her goddaughter.

"I asked him, but he said it was up to Mommy. She keeps saying no right now. Pf. She's lame, I'd totally help if I had a little brother! I'd play dress up with him!"

Felicity chuckled. "It wouldn't be a doll, monkey. It'd be an actual crying baby who would need to eat in the middle of the night. I don't think you'd like it as much as you say."

Lilly completely ignored Felicity's input: it was not what she wanted to hear and she was really good at paying no attention to things she didn't like.

"Mostly, I'm glad because I'll finally have a daddy."

Truth be told, even as an adult (or what Lilly considered an adult, more like), the young woman had no idea how to react to that. So she went with the only word that came to her mind:

"Really?"

"I asked him," Lilly nodded mindlessly, plunging her hand in the bowl of chocolate chips and sprinkling them on the kneaded dough experimentally, "and he said that if I wanted to he was okay with it. Isn't that cool? I think Mommy will let him pick me up from school when they're married. Do you think you'll get married someday?"

Felicity's mouth opened of its own accord, and she found herself having to forcefully close it in order to gulp properly. She'd sunk on her stool minutes before and it turned out it had been a great idea because she definitely needed to stay seated for that impossible conversation.

"Oh, so we're back to me again?" she grumbled. "I… I guess I hope so?"

But then she was struck with a moment of feminism.

"You know, you don't have to be married to be happy with someone. Originally, a marriage was just a legal bond, and the whole 'father who brings his daughter to give away to another man' thing is really offensive when you think about it, don't you…" Felicity trailed off as she witnessed Lilly blink and stare at her emptily. "Never mind. Who's kidding who. Yes. Hopefully, one day I'll get married."

"Do you think it'll be to Wade?"

There was a screeching sound in Felicity's brain that sounded a lot like someone braking hard.

"Wow, slow down monkey! We're so not there!"

"Why?" Lilly pressed on candidly. "Aren't you in love with him?"

"No."

Wow, that came out very strongly. Had she scared Lilly? Was she supposed to lie to her? What if she thought she had no self-respect because she was dating a guy that she didn't love? Lilly was watching every goddamn Disney movie, and all the princesses and princes loved each other before they started dating (if that could even be called dating!).

Was she scarring Lilly for life?

"I mean, Wade and I haven't known each other for a long time. These things take time."

There. That wasn't so bad. She didn't sound like a floozy and that was a good explanation. And it did take time! Pft. There was no such thing as love at first sight. Attraction, sure. Thinking 'Damn, that's a hottie right there!' did not a love story make.

She hadn't even thought that about Wade when she'd first met him, though.

"Mommy says she fell in love with Jason instantly!"

"Lucky her," Felicity commented wryly.

"I wonder what it does to be in love. Mommy says it's like butterflies in your stomach and you feel ridiculous and giddy at the same time. She says it's like the first day of school. I hated the first day of school. Is that what it does to you when you see Wade?"

Felicity found herself at a loss. It had been a long time since she'd felt the butterflies in her stomach. Maybe that was because she was getting older and she knew too much what was going to happen? Wade didn't look threatening. He didn't seem like the kind of guy who broke your heart and left you hanging which was a nice kind of pace after Asshole Cole and the debacle of Smug Bastard. Her heart still clenched when she thought of him — she really wasn't made for any kind of casual relationship. She was too genuine (stupid?) to give her body to someone she didn't already trust, and when Felicity Smoak trusted, it meant you already had a special place in her heart.

"Love can be different things, it does not need to be all about passion you know," she responded, feeling a little depressed by the conversation. "Hey, you're grilling me, but what about you? Do you have a special someone?"

Lilly's face turned into a disgusted grimace. "Ewwwww! Nooooooo! All the boys are yucky! There's one boy who has a pretty face."

"Oooh, I love a guy with a pretty face! Is he smart?"

Lilly shrugged.

"Hey, don't be like me, monkey okay? Go past the pretty face. Go with the smart ones. Pretty faces? Usually bad news."

"Why?" Lilly frowned.

"Trust me on this one. If you see a guy with a disarming smile and a pretty face, run away. Don't fall for his tricks! I have, it's not pretty. I can tell you, it's not going to happen again!"

"Is that why you are with Wade?" Lilly wondered.

What was that supposed to mean?

"Hey! Wade is cute!"

The noncommittal shrug made a comeback. Felicity felt like banging her head against the wall. Even Lilly disapproved of her choices in men? Really?

"Okay, let's agree to disagree on that one. I'm sure your boy Pretty Face isn't that pretty anyway!" Then she processed her words and felt horrified. "Not that I would think a little kid is pretty. That'd be super gross. And wrong. Forget that I said anything."

"Oh, Aunt Fleety…" the kid sighed.

Lilly side-eyed her godmother and shook her head dejectedly, in a disturbing typical-Taylor move that freaked Felicity out. She felt like she was being scolded. By a seven year-old. She really needed to get her life back together.

They finished their cookies, and Lilly finally dropped the topic of babies, weddings and Felicity's love life (honestly, was it a family thing, to want to micro-manage Felicity's love life?). It was only when Lilly was tucked in bed that Felicity thought back to the conversation.

Was it normal that she wasn't completely overwhelmed with excitement every time she saw Wade? At first, she thought it was because she wasn't eighteen and naïve anymore, but maybe it was something else?

She knew things wouldn't be the same once she left M.I.T. But M.I.T had been everything she'd hoped for and even more. It had been the place where she'd strived, discovered who she was, and had had a blast. Since she'd been hired at QC, everything had slowed down. Sure, she still went out for beers with her colleagues but everyone went back home to a boyfriend or a wife. Felicity longed for the all-nighters with her friends, for the endless conversations with Fanny and Melissa, she missed the feeling of discovering new things, of feeling useful to a research, a cause, or generally looking to solve problems in general.

She wouldn't say she was bored. Or at least, she wasn't really anymore since she'd started dating Wade. He was entertaining, and fun to hang out with. And nice. And cute. She couldn't believe that at 24, Taylor was going to have a full, typical-American family when Felicity was nowhere near it. She'd wanted normalcy for so long, she couldn't believe she wasn't entirely satisfied with what she had.

She'd gone to college, first step towards the normal she aimed for (her mother had never even considered the idea). She'd wanted a normal job where she didn't need to show her boobs to get tips, in a normal company that wasn't a bar or a casino, with normal coworkers who didn't prostitute themselves or drank themselves into oblivion to forget their unhappiness. She had all of that now. So the next normal thing to do when you were 24, in her book, was finding a good boyfriend.

Wade fit in all the categories. Stable. Trustworthy. Adorable. Normal.

Yep. Funny how having a dream come true didn't feel all that exciting in the end.

As Felicity went to sleep that night, she wondered if she'd ever get butterflies in her stomach again, or if it was just a thing for teenagers and bad rom-coms.

If, in the end, it wasn't for her anymore.

[NEXT: Part IV — TEAM ARROW SEASON 1]

Author's Note: So this chapter finishes on a slightly less exciting/hopeful note. I'm trying to show just how much despite Felicity's adamant "I'm going back to my boring I.T life" lines from season 1, she was ready for Oliver to barge into her life. Hopefully that was well transcribed here. Next chapter will be sort of "codas" to episodes 103, 109 and 122. I can absolutely certify that at least one Arrow team member will meet Felicity's best friend. And you'll get to learn Taylor's nickname for Oliver…

I hope you liked that chapter! Thank you so much for reading.