A/N: Big thanks for all of you who are reading this story. I just want to let you know that I'm getting closer to the end.
Hope you get to enjoy this one! ((:
Stefan's POV
Bonnie and me were both silently grunting, leaning over the kitchen sink, full of water and soap, cursing everything around us and trying to keep our minds on something else. She has started explaining something again, but as usually I wasn't even trying to listen to her-I was thinking about Elena.
Our washing machine has broken up last night and my dear brother-thinking that he's capable of fixing it, only made things worse, which was the reason why now me and his wife were washing James's and our own working clothes in the kitchen sink. Bonnie has stretched a long cord from the one ceiling corner to the other and some of our t-shirts were already hung out on there while James was looking up at them, completely amused by what was going on- he was stretching his hands in desperate attempt to touch his father's shirt sleeve and he let big grunts out because he was just still not tall enough for the task.
"Stefan, you're currently soaping the sleeve of my cloth not of yours, do you realize that?"
"Oh God, I'm sorry, Bonnie." I let out tiredly. I almost haven't slept those two days when I was in Charleston with Peter and last night I had to work a night shift, so I go home early in the morning and skipped the first classes.
"Why don't you get some rest, yeah?" she was looking at me worriedly. I couldn't really leave her now though, we were both barely standing on our feet and she was pregnant. She wasn't supposed to even stay up that long, she needed more rest than me.
"It's fine, we don't have that much left anyway. I'll finish up with you." I gave her a big reassuring smile and she returned it while she was taking a glance at James, afraid that he might fall from the chair. He was pretty restless lately. All he wanted to do was walk around the house, but he was still staggering a lot and couldn't move an inch if we weren't giving him a hand.
"If only Damon wasn't so stubborn and try to fix it, maybe now it could have been better."
"I sincerely hope that your son is not gonna get this from him. This is our worst character trait."
"Well judging by James's behavior right now, I think it's impossible for him not to be like that."
"Wait till his a teenager. He'll be a pain in the ass. Damon didn't even got home most of the time before you met."
"Well that mister here is not leaving my sight" she said in her own stubborn way, sounding, as usually, overprotective.
"It's going to turn out good, you know? You have nothing to worry about." I responded with certainty and she wanted to oppose me somehow but the ring bell interrupted her.
"Oh, that must be Damon. Keep an eye on him" she let the shirt back in the soapy water and I turned halfway to James so I wouldn't let him out of my sight. I wasn't even watching my hands but just continued rubbing that damn sleeve which caused to many drops to splash around the sink.
"Look who's here" Bonnie said cheerfully and I looked away from the kid only to see Elena entering the kitchen behind my sister-in-law, dressed in her skinny jeans and one of those green sweaters, too big for her small torso, which could only mean she has been studying all day and she got out of that condition simply because of me. I mentally slapped myself on the head-she told me she want to take me out somewhere today and I've forgotten about it. As our looks met she realized I was hit with that fact and she furrowed her eyebrows tired of me being so irresponsible again.
"Hey there" I tried to make the situation better and she almost jumped as she made an attempt to kiss my cheek, but instead I have hurried to put some of the soap foam on her nose and she pulled back surprised.
"Stefan!" I saw Bonnie smiling in the back, clearly satisfied with what was going on."I'll get it back!"
"I'm sure you will." I just now noticed that she was holding my jacket so she went to the table in order to hang it on one of the chairs. She leaned to James and made him some kind of face which resulted in the kid laughing out. "So what is going on here?"
"Our washing machine broke" Bonnie walked back to the sink "Stefan is helping me deal with the laundry." she was just about to put her hands back in the water and look for the cloth she was washing but Elena interrupted her.
"I can help him finish." she said a bit too excited and Bonnie got the hint-we wanted to be alone. Though I knew that this wasn't the only reason Elena offered her help-she could also see how tired my sister-in-law looked. Bonnie tried to argue on the matter, but I convinced her that we'll be ok so she took James out of his chair and went with him to their bedroom, leaving us alone on the kitchen sink with the bright sunlight coming out from the window before us. It only made Elena look prettier and surprisingly-younger. Only now did I realize that the death of her parents has made her look all serious and grown up when she was just a kid, not even eighteen-she should be having the time of her life-going out, partying with her best friend, getting drunk, being careless. Instead she was in that same old dark shabby kitchen with a boy who couldn't walk into a straight line, a boy who was half a man, a person with no decent honor. She was here with her big sweater and skinny jeans, splashing soap all over my old ruffled t-shirt and my messy hair. In times like this I wondered what was keeping her near me? She could have any boy in the school she wanted and yet she was here-why? I wasn't a special person, there was nothing extraordinary about me-my life was a mess and no girl would even look at me. But she did…and she even had the persistence to stay by me. Was she regretting her choices, I often asked myself? Or has she not even realized them yet?
We started acting as if we were kids again and we splashed water all over the place until our hands accidentally intervened under the water and I pressed my lips against hers.
"Don't you try to get away, Stefan" she finally whispered as we separated and got back to finishing the rest of the clothes, which mostly consisted of James's underwear."You know why I'm here."
"I'm sorry..I really forgot, with Peter and everything else going on..I'm just losing track of time easily."
"I know." she responded gently "It's fine."
"I'm so sorry" I responded sincerely as she has buried her face in my chest again, looking for some kind of safety, as she always did.
"Stefan Salvatore" for a moment I thought that this was my mother's voice, not Elena's and I looked down feeling sad and confused "Stop acting as if everything's you fault. I told you it's all fine"
I furrowed my eyebrows but I forgot about trying to look angry when we started hanging the clothes on the rope above the table. She poked me a few times and I almost dropped James's socks on the ground. I needed to get it back so I came behind her surprisingly and lifted her up. For a moment I almost lost my balance but managed to sit with her on the table and held her tight. She desperately tried to get away but she couldn't. She growled for quite a while until I suppressed those sounds with a kiss.
"Come on!" she pulled back, suddenly looking enthusiastic, though I could catch some kind of sadness in her look and I couldn't figure why. "We better go. It'll get too dark."
"Dark for what?" I asked confused, trying to get out of her where she wants us to be.
"I want you to meet someone." she smiled and stood up only to help me get on my feet with a worried expression which I tried to change with a kiss on her forehead but she remained quite sulky and I am sure she would've given me a speech that I'm overworking myself again but she obviously had bigger things on her mind.
The place turned out to be the Mystic Falls cemetery. She wanted me to meet her parents.
As we entered the graveyard both our facial expressions changed. She suddenly became somehow smaller, if that's possible and I threw my hand over her shoulder so I can give her the feeling that she's safe, but the weight that suddenly somehow appeared inside her made her look tired and old. I, myself could sense all the guilt coming right back there in this certain place in my chest and pressing me against a wall of sadness and despair, but now I couldn't allow myself to appear weak. She needed me and I had to be the stronger one.
Even before we came by her parent's graves, I noticed a few tears coming down her cheeks but I didn't brush them away, because I realized she needed this otherwise the heaviness inside would suffocate her.
We stood there I and wondered-what's the difference between the place I was standing on and the one over there-where they were buried? It's all the same, right? It's true-in front of me I couldn't see no people-only stones, with graved names on them and years that didn't matter-neither to me and definitely not to her-because the time they spend together was what mattered, their happiest moments. And that couldn't be defined, it couldn't be expressed. Definitely not on some stone with random numbers on it.
She leaned down and put the flowers we have bought gently as if she was laying down something alive and not something completely still. She caressed gently her mother's stone as if she was looking for support from somewhere. As if she was desperately expecting to find her hand, her safe embrace, that she can't feel anymore.
She then stood up and came by back to me, she took my hand and made me come closer. Until then I was distant-trying to give her the space she needed, though this wasn't the only reason. I was a bit startled to make a few steps forward. Every time I visited a graveyard I would be reminded of my parent's death, of Anna's one. And that usually left me very helpless. Now I tried to hide that from Elena, very desperately and with every strength I was left with. Which is why I smiled and took the steps she wanted me to.
"I wanted you to meet them officially " she turned towards me as if she was trying to excuse herself for doing something childishly stupid.
"I'm very honored that you think I deserve that."
"You do." she gave me another foolish smile and I bend her head to my chest."Every time I'm here, I can't stop talking about you. "
"Poor them." I added silently and she chuckled. "You are not supposed to embarrass me in front of your parents, Elena!"
"I am not! I'm just letting them know what an incredible man I have in my life." I blushed a little and we stood there in silence for quite some times. She talked to them a little and I nodded from time to time-she just wanted them to know what's going on in her life. It was her moment but I shared it as well-she felt I was important enough to let me come here with her and that made me feel good.
I mattered to someone that much. It was almost unbelievable.
As it started getting dark we slowly walked away from the graveyard and walked down towards the town's center, hand in hand. I wanted to take her for a hot chocolate, but she shook her head so we just continued walking for quite some time.
"Stefan, you know how you gave me your jacket the other day ?" she started after some time. I knew exactly what she wanted to tell me. I realized it ever since she left the house that evening after we had dinner with my brother.
"You found it" I said and she stopped abruptly, looking at me confused and surprised "Anna's photo in my inside pocket, yeah?" she nodded and looked down as if she was a kid who's just done something naughty. "It's fine."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be." I hurried to assure her that it was all fine.
We kept walking, still in silence. I could feel her urge to ask me something though. Every time she had a desire to do so I could sense it, it was hovering around all her human being-her insecurity, if she should do it or not; and her curiosity, showing her never ending desire to just know more. It made her beautifully human.
"How was your life back then?" she finally let out, very silently, as if she was afraid the words can hurt me, that they can shatter to me to pieces. They didn't though and it left her surprised when I gave her a smile, instead of a serious expression.
"Careless..free. I had no boundaries, nothing was unreachable. I would just wake up and feel like I want to get to the gym and just be alive, throw the ball in the air all day long, because it made me feel good…and as if I could really fly." I sighed "I was still sad since my parents were dead already, but I was optimistic, I had some believe that things will be good. Honestly, I was just not thinking that much about what was going on around me. I just did what every boy my age would, nothing that significant, yet somehow life-fulfilling. And after she came along…it just got better. She changed things. Made me more down to earth. Now every action had a meaning, every minute spent with her turned into a special moment I would think of when I go to sleep."
"But then things changed" she whispered
"Yes. Things always change. They can't be always good, that's just how it is. Happiness never lasts long. Though I don't complain about how everything turned out to be, because more or less it made me the person I am today. It made her grow up as well, even if she didn't want it."
"She didn't?"
"No" I smiled, remembering her "She was such a child. Naïve and honest, everyone could lie to her and she would trust them. She always believed in the good in people-that's what just dictated all her decisions in live. If someone was treating her bad she never hated them-she just felt bad for them and it amused me, since I've never met such a person in my life before." Elena was looking somewhere before us, obviously trying to process all I was saying, to imagine what Anna was like, what I was like. "And then she died." I said the last sentence as a statement, as if it was something I was already ok with, though there were still nights I would wake up and curse everything around me and try to figure-why it was like that? Why did she have to leave me?
"Just like my parents" she said simply. "Just" as if it was the most peaceful thing to ever happen on earth. "What a simple sentence" she spoke up her own thoughts "And yet how much weight it carries, right?" I nodded feeling helpless again. I felt as if I was constantly hitting my head in a wall and nothing would ever change. I was unable to do something-I was insignificant in every meaning of this word. I meant nothing here-just a small, tired from the work foolish man, lost in love, consumed by it, letting it own his life.
Will things ever get better for us all? I kept asking myself that all the time. Will they somehow just start going upwards? Or were we all doomed to fail miserable in everything we were trying to do, in all our efforts to give life a meaning?
Elena's POV
I've been waiting for twenty minutes in front of the factory already and I was on the verge of getting insane. He has to finally get out. They were getting late-all of them. None of the other workers were leaving the building-not that it hasn't happened before- they probably got a bigger lunch break and now they had to work the time they spent eating and smoking out.
He had to go out! Come on where was he? I couldn't wait any longer, he had to know. He was the first person I wanted to tell. The envelope I've been gripping so tight in my hand was probably soon gonna start wetting from the sweat in my palm. Please, come out, please!
Finally-the first person left the building with a pretty fast pace and in a minute the space around me was filled with exhausted young and middle-aged man, all of them chatting, cursing on their boss, even though Stefan has told me that he's a good person, or explaining something about cutting the woods this way or that way very lively. They were all passing by me, either without noticing me or with big annoyance-"What was this girl doing here? Who is she waiting for? She is so young, I bet she's in love with some poor lost soul that works here."-that's what I could read on their facial expressions. I kept searching every single tired face in that crowd in front of me for him until I finally noticed the boy that he worked with, who recognized me too and smiled.
"Stefan's coming in a bit" he yelled so I can hear him and I nodded gratefully as he passed by me.
As I finally saw him he was holding his jacket in one hand and his backpack, full with his dirty work clothes in the other-he was looking for me as well. I ran towards him and he dropped the things so he can lift me up and give me the first kiss for today-his eyes were so warm, so kind, he was giving me all his strength every time he saw me and he desperately tried to distract me from the dark circles under his eyes with his gentle smile and his unsatisfying desire to collide his lips with mine. This time he could feel that something was different though so he pulled away quite early despite the fact that I gave him a disappointed look.
"What is going on?" I could sense the nervousness in his voice. He always worried, my Stefan "Is something wrong?"
I pulled up the envelope from my back pocket where I've left it as I decided it would be appropriate to jump in his embrace and he let me down so he could take it and look up closely.
"Elena…" he finally noticed the address on the top left corner "Are you..?" he was afraid to say it out loud because he thought he might be wrong.
"I'm in" I yelled and stretched my hands in the air from happiness "I am going to study in New York!" he didn't wait much but took me up again, even though that almost cost him losing his balance and he carried me to the nearest bench. I could see how genuinely happy he was for me-that was the thing about Stefan-he never envied anyone for anything, he just shared people's happiness and made them feel even better for what they had.
Now he sat down with me on the bench, but he didn't give me one of his long and sensible kisses, instead he gently leaned to me and our foreheads touched.
"I am the happiest person on earth" he whispered with his hoarse voice.
"How are you the happiest person on earth? I just got into college."
"Exactly!" he moved a strand from my face and tugged it back my ear "That's all I want-for you to have a good life, your dreams to become reality, because you do deserve it, Elena." he sounded serious, yet I could sense the genuine glee in his voice. But his words made me feel a bit nostalgic as well. All he wanted in his life was for me to get everything I ever desired. How could he be like that? Doesn't he have dreams as well? Doesn't he want something too? "I'm very very happy for you" he added and with that interrupted my thoughts "I really mean it."
"I know" I rested on his chest and he kept caressing my back
"You're scared though, aren't you?" he said in a minute as if he has just made this realization. As if he could sense what was going on inside me. I didn't have the strength to respond, I was afraid I'll ruin the moment "Beyond all this happiness you are scared." he stated it now, he was sure of it "But that's fine. We are all scared when we start something new."
"Well are you scared to leave now?" I asked naively as if I was a child, looking for all the answers from as much as a confused boy as I was
"Yes, I am. I don't even know if I'll get the work at all. I might have to stay up there for weeks until I find something if Dylan doesn't succeed in helping me now and then figure out where to get money from. I don't have an idea how I'll manage without Bonnie dealing with my laundry" I chuckled "or without my brother scolding me for something stupid I've done" he became serious again "or without James to make the weight inside me lighter" he picked my chin up and gave me a small kiss "but mainly I keep asking myself what will I do without the girl I love? Will she remember me like I remember her?" I tried to interrupt him only to assure him that it wasn't possible to ever stop thinking about him "Will she be aware how much I love her? Will she allow me to ever say it?"
"Stefan…"
"Because I do. I do love you" he looked me in the eyes. Just now I noticed the tears there."And I know I said that I need time, that I can't just confess it like that…and I might be afraid about everything else in the future but right now I'm not afraid to do this, to say it. I love you, Elena Gilbert. And with this sentence I'm giving you everything I have-I'm giving whatsoever left of my broken soul to you and I'm not even slightly disturbed that something might go wrong, because I know it and I'm not afraid to say it." he let a deep sigh out "You are the only thing in my life these days that is right, that makes sense, that keeps me move forward and I owed it to you to admit my feelings. I can't wait no more-I find no sense in waiting. What for? How will this make me feel better? It won't-it's just a boundary I set myself and now I'm bringing it down with those words that make me feel free and full of life, and hopeful, but also realistic-I know-love is not easy, it's not just something that surrounds you when you are with your soul mate-it's in you as well and it can be very destructive, I've come to taste that part of it and yet somehow, now I am not scared. I love you" he repeated "I am in love with you-let me be doomed."
"Stefan" I started as I finally realized the tears falling down my face.
"No, don't" he interrupted me for the millionth time today "Don't say it because I did. Say it when you mean it, when you feel it…when it seems right. I know you're freaking out about college right now and that I'm the last thing on your mind so you don't have to-"
"You're the last thing on my mind, are you crazy?" I suddenly raised my voice "You're the first person I'm telling, do you seriously think it's like that?"
"I am?" he asked confused. Did he really thought he would be the last one to know.
"Yes, silly" I ruffled his hair and he get it back at me by tickling me. He knew I can't say it now. It's not that I didn't want to-the words were on the tip of my tongue and I felt it as well-I loved him. I just couldn't figure what was stopping me. Maybe I wasn't as brave as he was-I felt scared that he'll leave me, that he'll forget me and I would've said it, but then after time it will just fade away and the words will lose their meaning. He hugged me again. It was getting a bit cold, even though until now March has been so warm and sunny. The wind was careless and free and it made my hair look awful, I could not prevent it from covering my face and kept trying to clear my sight every other minute, until he held my hand and stopped me-he liked it as it was now-careless and obviously…too fluffy."Thank you" I brought myself to letting him now at least that "Thank you for being so sincere with me, for not pushing me away, for loving me that much."
He brought my palm to his lips and gave me a warm kiss.
"You are very welcome" he smiled and a certain naughty light appeared in his eyes, as if he has suddenly remembered what he was going to use against me from now on "college girl." I slapped him playfully on the shoulder while he buried his face in my hair.
Stefan's POV
I was watching patiently as Peter flew towards the net before me. James was already making his annoyed sounds from the pram, trying to get my attention to him and take him out of there already-he wanted to walk around and touch the ball. He wouldn't tear his eyes from it, I could tell he was going to love playing from now. Every time it somehow jumped towards us he would blab his happy sounds and want me to give it to him, but instead I throw it back at my friend, since I was afraid James could someone hurt himself or worse-just toss it on my head without me expecting it. He often did such stuff at home-he would just take something and throw it somewhere. When we put him on the table he tossed almost all the toys we've left to keep him entertained on the floor and he waited until we brought it back up to him so he can do it over and over again. It made him laugh-he liked to fool us, made him feel smart.
I tried to delay the process so I put a candy in his mouth and he eagerly started chewing as I brought my look back to Peter. He has come back from Charleston yesterday but I wouldn't say he looked any better. He still had those big circles under his eyes and he said he almost didn't sleep, but he was eager to play some-it was the only thing that took his mind off everything that was happening so for the first time in weeks his head was back in the game. I noticed the persistence with which he ran all over the court and the strength he used to throw the ball-it was that kind of strength that comes from anger, not from peaceful desire to just play the game. I got him-he wanted to just run and jump and hit stuff, he couldn't get it all out of his skin and it made him so impatient, yet so strong.
"Easy there, Peter" I finally let out as he stopped for a minute to stretch his arm a little. The one that Tyler fucked up-You'll either break the basket or break your arms with the speed you're going.
"I don't care" was his answer to everything lately honestly. He wasn't in a good mood, not like before, when he was sad about the fact that his life is just fucked up, now he was annoyed because he couldn't really see a wait out. Before he believed that by doing this-joining the team and playing every Friday with the burning desire to win will lead him out of this god's forsaken place. Now I'm not sure he saw that as a possible outcome anymore. Emma has found him his own place to stay here-an old summer flame of hers, who obviously wasn't just a flame, owned a small room above the Grill and so he lend it to them. I went there yesterday to help him clean it up. Honestly-I did everything, he sat there on a full with his clothes box and drank and smoke all evening while I limped my way to every corner of the room. There were times he would just look up in one point and not even listen to what I was saying-it was starting to scare me.
"Jesus, Peter. Do you want to be in a hospital instead of playing on Friday evening?"
"I honestly don't give a shit" he said again and threw the ball only to make another score "And seriously Stefan-judging by your look, I'm not going to be the one paying a visit to the hospital." he was pushing me away. He didn't want anyone around him right now, but I was smarter than that and I knew his game, simply because I've done it as well.
James started protesting again and I finally picked him up but didn't let him down on the ground. The ball rolled somehow again in my feet but I ignored it in order to come closer to my friend-I was angry. True-I had great patience, especially when it came to him, but now I was getting angry.
"Stop acting like an asshole, Peter!" James suddenly became silent and looked at us both, he couldn't figure what was wrong."You want to fuck yourself up like I did? Really? You're angry and you're annoyed with everything and everyone around you and you want to be alone, but I'm not gonna leave you no matter how hard you're trying to push me away. Look at me-do you really want that for yourself? To be like this? Cause that's what will happen when your focusing on all the wrong stuff and keep drinking yourself to sleep. You have to stop doing this."
"Well maybe I am an asshole, you know? Maybe that's all I ever was."
"Stop it. "
"We are not all that good you know?" he responded, now sadness evident in his voice "After all we take after our parents, don't we?"
"You are not a bad person." I disagreed "You are just lost."
"Yeah, well so are you. Actually, you are worse-you are living in a delusion-you go out with a girl that has a future, a girl that is leaving to have her bright sunshiny life and you're what? Going to work in just another factory until you ruin yourself to the point where you wouldn't be able to walk? And yet you choose to ignore all this-you believe that somehow things will work out-well they won't ,Stefan." he was yelling at me, speaking the truth, but he wasn't being mean, he was just being honest. And I knew he was right, that was the worst part. He was hurt and he was acting on anger, but he was right."Some things can't work out, some people can't be fixed." I shook my head and finally let James down because he seemed really confused, though a smile appeared on his face when he started walking around and pushing me to keep up with his small pace, since he still needed my help"-You are telling me to stop when you keep living like that and you're trying to make me believe that there is a point in all this? That what I do matters? It doesn't, Stefan, it just doesn't." now he was sad "And you know it best, because you've seen death, you almost experienced it yourself and yet you keep lying to me, hoping that I'll keep living in my own delusion for yet another day. I don't want that, I just don't."
I stood there completely stunned and confused as James kept tugging me until he started crying, begging me to at least pick him up if I wasn't up to fulfilling his desires. I grabbed him in my hands and he silently hugged himself into my arms since he could still feel that something around him just wasn't right-the big people were having their arguments and weren't paying any attention to him.
"You better go now. The boy needs you" he added.
"Peter, I'm not going to leave you."
"I want to be alone, Stefan. Don't you get that? I just want to be alone." he wasn't yelling this time, though I could still feel how annoyed he was with me, because he turned his back and continued aiming at the hoop.
I went to the pram and put the still sobbing James in it. The good thing was that he was getting sleepy so he was probably going to fall on our way home.
"Bend your knees a little more" I added as I left and he finally paid me some attention "Besides that you're ready for Friday so good luck." for a moment I swear I could see the guilt in his eyes-he was regretting his words, but he was just too proud to admit it. I on the other hand felt as if I was really being to annoying-if he didn't want me, then good. Maybe he needed some time to be alone and re-think everything. Or maybe he really didn't need a person like me in his life.
As I walked away slowly towards our house, cursing everything I could I realized that maybe he is right-I'm living in a delusion and I don't want to tear myself away from it just because it's so good. The best thing in the world was to have her run towards me after I've finished work, or to lay down with her on her enormous bed when no one was in the house, or to be able to collide my lips with hers. That was life for me now. Was it so bad to just want to live? What was wrong with that? Why couldn't I have it forever? Maybe time moved up too fast and I couldn't stop anything-was it because of that? The fact that we will all get screwed by things coming by and not even asking if we were ready?
"Should I be scared? " I kept asking myself on my way home as James continued making sleepy sounds until eventually he drifted away.