Elena's POV
Strange how the best days in our lives pass by so fast that we fail to understand both their meaning and their importance. April was nice and warm, it made me fall in love with him even more. Every day was another journey I got to take with him though we weren't really moving at all. Sometimes we would go outside town in his free days, we would lie on the newly sprung grass and just talk or think about what is coming for both of us. I couldn't help but feel his sadness and despair sometimes, even though he was trying to hide them from me so hard-he really couldn't imagine what was going to happen with him. He saw his whole life as a dead-end street, which only light would soon disappear as well, once we part. I often asked him what was it that he dreams of, what was it he craved for? Most of the times he just refused to respond me, but I kept insisting-every person dreams, why was he trying to convince me that he wasn't. But he remained silent, I don't know why. Maybe he was afraid that if he shares that with me it will hurt me? Maybe I was part of his ideal future and he was afraid that we are just doomed to fail and never be together again? I don't know, I really couldn't figure that out, no matter how hard I tried.
As a whole, even though we had so many good moments things weren't at all perfect. There were still times I would just shut myself from the whole world and Stefan had to stay with me all night up until I could finally fall asleep, but when I did I usually had these nightmares about my parents and I woke up frightened and unaware if it was dream or reality at all. He found a way to sneak into my room after midnight without Jenna finding us. He couldn't really climb on the window so I left the kitchen door open and he would sneak from there up to my room. Jeremy saw him one of those nights but only smiled and shrugged his shoulders, obviously being cool about it all.
I loved him for doing this for me. Most nights he was just beyond tired from school and then a long shift at the factor, but he would never fall asleep if I wasn't. I felt bad for him and kept reminding him that he should at least take a nap but he shook his head and hugged me closer to him as I was trying hard to find some peace of mind. We didn't necessarily had to talk, he never pushed me to do so, because he realized that when it came to my parent's death I had a hard time finding the proper words to express what was going on. Sometimes he asked me questions so it could be easy for me to at least start getting it out, but he was never intruding. He was just patient and obviously beyond strong when he had to deal with me.
I wasn't his only problem though-Peter kept hitting rock bottom on an emotional level and in my opinion Stefan was the only thing to keep him afloat. I knew they had some fight which led to Peter coming by the Salvatore house one Saturday when I was there as well. They hugged and talked some until Peter had to leave for Charleston. He was going there a lot lately, I guess it made him feel better and not that much alone. Stefan was dividing his time between me and his best friend and he was trying to make things better for both of us instead of thinking about how he could improve his own life.
The good thing that has happened recently was that his supervisor Daniel finally got what he deserved and Stefan was able to do the stuff he was supposed to do instead of unloading the trucks all day, though I'm not sure how good it was. I knew it gave him more pleasure, but it also made him much more tired. I always thought that it would be the opposite-instead his hands were full of cuts and bruises and when we would intervene our fingers I could feel them all and I would furrow his eyebrows only so he could give me a kiss and try to lighten my mood before I've started scolding him.
By this time all the nurses in the hospital knew us. I made him go there every other week and they even let me in the room inside as they were injecting him with whatever painkiller there was that could help him. Sometimes he got sleepy, other times delusional, mostly-he was tired. He saw no point in it since it didn't really make any change in his life. True-some weeks he was feeling so good he could lift me up in every given minute and those were the happiest times of all-when he was feeling healthy and strong-it made me relieved and hopeful that somehow things will turn out to be alright in the end. And then the bad days came, when I would go to his house take him out for a walk on a warm Sunday afternoon and he would be lying in his bed alone, sweating up and trying to find himself a place on the hard mattress because he couldn't really stand up and his brother and Bonnie thought he was just sleepy so they went out with their son and talked about how will they support another kid. It was hard for me too put up a strong façade in front of him though I was trying with everything I could. Usually he would make me read his something from the book he has started but didn't have the time to finish and he would make funny comments so he would lighten the mood up. Other times he just listened carefully and if it came too much he told me to stop so he could think about it some more. We would fight over which character is better or make guesses about what's going to happen in the end and somehow he was always right, without even giving it that much thought. I was probably too naïve and missed all the important details and hints that let out how the story was going to end. He would usually calm me down by saying that the end doesn't really matter, it's important how the story went on to which I sometimes disagreed, but never in front of him, since I realized that maybe he wasn't talking only about the book, but about us as well. Other times he would just fall asleep and I would hug myself in him only to follow him after I've spend half an hour or so observing his irregular breathing. Bonnie or Damon found us together later on but never woke us up.
There are still times when I ask myself how are we going to deal with everything and I just couldn't find an answer, or more like-I'm not eager to even dig deep down into my emotions or thoughts and come up with one, probably because the answer would make my life more hopeless. I wasn't up to losing everything I had again-I couldn't and yet I was about to. I could see it-we had a month or less left and then what? He would leave as soon as Dylan calls to inform him that everything is set up. I found myself jumping up sacredly every time his phone buzzed. I was so unprepared to let him go. He kept saying that he will come as often as he can this summer but I knew that once we part things won't be the same anymore. It's not that I didn't trust him-I knew that he wouldn't go out with another girl and yet I had my doubts and jealousy as every woman. He had them too, because he wanted me to be only his. But it wasn't only that-I knew I would lose track of his life. I wouldn't know what is happening with him-I wouldn't be there to wait for him after his shift is over, I won't be there to know if he was in pain or if he was feeling good, I wouldn't know if he's getting enough sleep or if he's watching basketball or if he's out with Dylan somewhere. I would just start losing him very fast and the worst part was that there isn't anything I could do.
It made me desperate and willing to just give up on anything and we both often spoke about it. Honestly-we couldn't figure a way out too. I wasn't sure we were looking for one at all, we just talked about how things will move up, time will pass and being the brutal realists we were, we concluded that maybe in an year time this would be nothing but a dream. And that was it all-he wasn't sugarcoating me, he wasn't looking for something that would help us deal with the loss. He only said that he would write me and if I wanted to read I could, but he didn't ask me to answer him at all. That wasn't a promise though, it wasn't anything to guarantee that one that we shall be together again. It was just words, spoken up by a too screwed up from the life boy that has lost his faith in most things surrounding him already, so I didn't really give him any promises either since I hated that.
I just wanted to tell him that I love him. But I still couldn't bring myself to do that. I couldn't find the right moment-we had so many beautiful nights this month and yet I never ever said it, even when he kept reminding me of it. He said he never want me to forget it. I was his and he loved me and that shall remain like this until he is a life. I awkwardly commented that he can't love me for the rest of his life-that this is not a way for him to exist at all, that he shouldn't be committed to only me. That maybe when he goes to Chicago he might meet a new girl, he might fall in love and that was fine but he shook his head every time and said I am a silly girl, which I guess was his way of saying that he's just not giving up. Why couldn't I see it or understand it?-that's what he thought.
But the only question in my head wasn't about whether or not his love was true-it was about why on earth was I still being the selfish scared person who couldn't admit her feelings?
What was wrong with me?
Stefan's POV
I was coming home from work after a very long and tiring day at the factory. My hands hurt and I was glad that Elena couldn't come see me cause she would probably just start scolding me again as usually lately and I was too exhausted to oppose her. I thought that I should call her later and see what she's doing. Maybe I could sneak into their house again.
I was carefully observing everything around me, noticing the dark clouds coming from east-it was going to rain soon. This evening the streets were somehow so empty, so lonely and yet that somehow for the first time didn't coincide with my inner mood. I thought about her, about how for the first time in such a long time both me and her felt happy and I finally convinced myself that after all life is good.
Some people have more good than bad in their lifetimes, others like me and her-the opposite and yet somehow I didn't see that as a problem anymore. I have accepted it, but I have also started seeing above it. I haven't been optimistic about the fact that eventually things will work out in such a long period. Until I met her I've only been existing, just like that, without any expectation at all. I was unsure of whether or not it's worth living at all and there were times I didn't want to continue going on day by day. Before I met her I would wake up and think about the fact that I should've died in that fight after Anna passed away. That it was just a lucky misunderstanding that I was still here, some joke that fate played on me that only left me more broken and hurt.
I haven't thought about this in such a long time. Maybe it was because I woke up so often with her in my arms, or the simplest explanation was that I'm not at all alone anymore and that is what lit the fire to live inside me again. The desire to just go out and do the best I can, even if I'm so screwed up both on the inside and on the outside.
Who needs another reason anyway?
I was probably completely delusional when I thought that even after we part still things could somehow remain unchanged. I knew it won't happen but I was stubbornly sticking to that thought in my mind, not letting the reality sink in and make me sad or hopeless again. I didn't want that. It was true what I told her the other day-that I will love her for the rest of my life and I knew she hated promises but that wasn't a promise-that was a truth. I would never stop loving her, not after five or ten or fifty years. I would wait for her for as long as I have to and I don't care if she falls for another one-I still believe that our love is so strong that it can withstand every burden. Eventually we would find our way again and when we do, no matter how much time it has passed I would still welcome her to my small two room apartment and I would hug her with all the strength I'm left with and I would lead her to my bed so we can kiss and cry from happiness in each other's arms.
A few drops fell on my face but instead of hurrying down the house I smiled and looked up-rain was beautiful.
I thought of Peter and the conversation we had this morning. He was heading to Charleston for the weekend again and he wanted to tell me that he'll be back on Tuesday, because he had some try outs. I was sure that they would accept him in college and that he'll kick ass as usually lately. He sounded happy honestly, which lately wasn't happening often at all and I smiled finally believing that things would work out for him. He sounded excited, ready to train even harder and I was ready to watch him live his dream. And mine as well. I never admitted it to anyone, even to Elena, but my biggest dream was to be able to do what he was. I wanted to play, to run, to jump high, to be part of a team and yet I couldn't. God, I can't even walk on a straight line in my best days. But he could-and he asked for my advice all the time. He trusted me that much and he listened to my guidance. He often said I would be a great coach if I only wanted to but I shook my head, because I simply didn't-I wanted to play. I couldn't. That was all, it was the end of this part of my life.
But watching him play and win and bring victories to his team made me feel good and most importantly-helpful. Lately I was trying to do everything I could for him, because I saw that he was going through such a hard time in his life and I wanted him to know that he's not alone. It's true that we had some arguments in the beginning but as the weeks passed by he started getting a little bit better and today on the phone he sounded sincerely happy. It made me smile as well.
Things were going to be ok, I was sure of it now. It can't be all bad-there are ups and downs in life, but that's fine-it's what makes everything real.
I finally reached our porch and it took me quite some time to find my keys. I didn't hear James's voice from inside so I guessed he might be sleeping which is why I didn't rang the bell. The house was strangely quiet but once they heard me close the door behind as I was already in, some movement in the kitchen indicated that my brother and Bonnie were probably setting the table.
When my sister-in-law appeared on the kitchen door post and I saw her face I knew something wasn't right and somewhere inside I felt that familiar cold limp that just prevented me from breathing just as it was the day Anna died. Her face was terrified and she looked as if she was about to throw up. I tried to compose myself and came closer.
"What is wrong?" I hated those words, I was so afraid to speak them out loud, because I knew the answer wouldn't be good. She just swallowed as if she was trying to delay talking and took my hand
"Come to the kitchen, Stefan." I stopped, I felt something wasn't ok. What was it? Why wasn't she telling me already. I pulled myself away from her and refused to take another step. Instead, I decided to take my jacket off and I just tossed it to the nearest chair. "Come on." she whispered again "There's something you need to know." she took my hand again and as I entered the kitchen I could sense it in the air-something terrible has happened.
Emma and Theo were sitting on our broken chairs with their hands on the scratched table. Emma's eyes were red-she has probably been crying while Theo's face was so pale and his hair so messed up that if I didn't know him, I wouldn't recognize him.
Peter-that was my first thought.
"What is going on?" I asked and turned towards my brother who was sitting in his lead place on the table, obviously afraid to meet my look. But he did-and I saw it right there-he was trying to get himself together, because he knew he was the one to tell me. Nobody spoke though-the silence was terrifying and it made me unable to move. So I spoke up again because I still had this silly hope inside me that even if something is wrong eventually everything would be ok. I couldn't figure what was going on with them? Why were they acting like this? It would all be fine-I thought. Peter has probably just messed up again and they can't figure out what to do, that was it. But it was ok, I knew how to help him.
Why were these people so scared? Why is that look inside their eyes so desperate and full of sadness. Yeah, Peter, he is pretty stubborn, but it was all fine. I would do anything for him, didn't they know that already? Why was my brother looking at me as if he knew I would break any minute? Why was Emma not facing me and why did she started sobbing quietly? And Theo? He is a smart boy-why is he so silent? He could just say it, whatever it was, there was no need to be afraid.
"Is it Peter? " I finally broke the silence "Is he dead drunk somewhere again?" nobody responded me "Because if he is I know where to find him that's not a problem."
"Stefan" my brother tried to interrupt me.
"It's fine Damon, I will find him. I know where he goes usually. I bet he's just lost track of time. He should've called me by now, but he hasn't. He always calls me when he can't find his way home."
"Brother!" now he was desperate and he stood up looking up at Theo, asking for support so he finally looked up.
"Stefan, Peter isn't drunk."
"Oh…well if" I started again trying to find another possible reason for the fact that my friend wasn't here on this table with them.
"He was driving to Charleston this morning, you know?" Theo's voice was on the verge of breaking
"Yeah, he…he called me before he left." I still couldn't figure out what the problem was. Was he lost somewhere in Charleston? But then why were they here in Mystic Falls? "Why isn't he here?"
"Stefan" my brother tried helping Theo "There was an accident this morning" his voice was cracking but he somehow found the strength to let a sigh out and continue "He never made it to Charleston."
"What accident?" I asked dumbfounded. I couldn't let it all sink in.
"He is dead, Stefan" it was Emma who stated it. Our looks met. She was crying "Peter's dead. There was an accident, his car went off the road and he died before the ambulance could even get there." she stated the last few sentences as if she was saying what was the weather outside-there was no feelings attached to any of the words.
He was dead she said.
I took a step back. And then another one.
"No, he called me this morning. He did! You don't understand, that's not true-he called me. We talked about his try outs next Tuesday."
My brother stood up, feeling what was going on and was about to grab my hand but I pulled back.
"Stefan, come on." he said with a pleading voice.
"No. He is not dead." I almost yelled now. I was stubborn. That can't be true-he was there with me yesterday on the court, I watched him play and we drank beer together. "He is somewhere and you just can't find him."
"Come on, Stefan" my brother said again and tried to help me. I continued to pull back until I hit the wall. "Come here, just sit." he caught me again and I pushed him back in my anger.
What were this words they spoke? Didn't they know? My friend can't be dead, he is here. I would know if he was dead. I would feel it, I am sure of that!
"No!" I yelled. I could feel the tears in my eyes "You are wrong he's not gone. He can't be gone! You just don't want to find him."
Theo stood up and came closer, just next to my brother, but before he could speak up I turned my back on them and headed to the door.
"Stefan" Theo 's voice "I am sorry. I knew he was like a brother to you, but that's the truth. We saw…" he broke behind me somewhere. A man broke just behind my back and I didn't have the guts to turn around "we saw his body. I am sorry, but he's gone." he was trying very hard to prevent himself from falling apart but I could feel that he was crying, even if I wasn't face to face with him "He is gone." another attempt to convince me that I shall never see Peter again.
I suddenly stopped and stretched my arm so I could lean on the wall. I felt like I would collapse, I had no strength in my, my feet were refusing to support my light body.
I didn't let the words sink in. My friend is gone, they said. He is dead, just like Anna was, just like my parents were.
I finally turned around only to see them being so close to me, ready to catch me when I fall, but I didn't. Instead I looked around only to see the picture of so many broken and afraid of what would happen people in front of me. Why were they worried, I thought? What were they afraid of now? Peter's just lost I thought, I should go find him. They obviously don't want to do that, but I will. He is somewhere out there, all alone in this rain. Aren't they afraid he could catch a cold?
I felt the tears finally falling down-I was crying but I wasn't really ashamed of that. I'm not sure I could realize it at all.
"I need to go out." I said and turned my back on them, but my brother made another attempt to stop me.
"Brother, don't." he didn't want to leave me out of his sight, but right now I honestly didn't care. I just wanted to get out of here.
"Let him go, Damon" I heard Bonnie 's broken voice from the right corner of the kitchen.
And just like that he removed his hand away from my arm. And I was free to leave.
He is gone, I kept repeating Emma's words in my head, she said he's gone. He can't be gone. He is my friend, he wouldn't just leave me like that. That's not typical of him. He is too stubborn to let me deal with this all by myself.
No, he can't be gone, I though again. They are just wrong. People don't just go away like this without saying anything.
They don't just leave without a goodbye.
Elena's POV
As soon as I saw an unknown number calling me, I got the feeling that something wasn't right. I was extremely tired from studying all day and I considered taking a nap, so answering the phone was the last thing on my mind. Yet something inside me pushed me to do it.
And thanks God I did, otherwise I would've probably cursed myself for weeks.
I ran to the Salvatore house the minute Damon explained me what was going on. All the way to their neighborhood I kept thinking about Peter Fell and how was it even possible for him not to be on earth with us anymore. How come it is so easy to disappear? To leave?
I had a hard time accepting it and I found myself crying before I pulled up in front of Stefan's house.
I couldn't let the information sink in-only a few days ago I've found them both on the playground with Peter running up and down the court and Stefan explaining him something. They both looked so young there, so careless, especially Stefan whose face was always beyond tired. I just can't even start understanding what was happening.
But right now I was thinking more about Stefan. I remembered his words-that if he loses someone else it will just ruin him and then my promise..that he won't. I regretted saying that. Didn't I learn by now that in life things don't work out the way you want them to? Was I that stupid to believe that maybe everything will somehow work out in the end?
I jumped out of the car and saw Damon standing on the porch obviously waiting for me. I ran towards him since it was still raining and I got wet by making only those few steps.
"Where is he? Did he come back?" I asked trying to hide the panic in my voice.
"No" Damon looked on the verge of falling apart as well "It's been hours. I went everywhere I could think of and he is just gone. I don't know what to do anymore."
"Maybe we should split and look up again. Did you went to the court? He always goes there when he's sad" I stated this since I wasn't sure how aware he was of that fact.
"I was there twice-no sign of him." only now did I notice that his hands were shaking. He was afraid that something might happen. More than afraid actually-he was terrified.
"We have to find him, he is sick" I said without realizing that I'm saying my thoughts out loud, only to meet his surprised and confused expression.
"What do you mean he's sick? He was fine those past few months."
"No, he wasn't." I said a little less confident than I was a minute ago. "He just never told you anything. He is not fine at all."
"What? Elena, what is wrong?" he almost yelled desperately and I was about to answer him when he suddenly moved away abruptly as if he has noticed something.
"Stefan!" he yelled and went out in the rain. I finally turned as well only to see Stefan barely standing on his feet, his clothes soaking from the rain, pale and obviously not realizing what at all was going on. I ran after his brother-desperate, afraid. I couldn't afford losing him as well. I couldn't even think about that now. I shouldn't be, God, I shouldn't be!
We came by his sides and tried to help him move , but he just collapsed on his knees in one of the paddles in front of this small quiet, full of grief and sadness house.
"I couldn't find him" he said "I couldn't find him."
"Stefan, hey, look at me" I said and prevented Damon from trying to get him up. He needed a minute, even in this hellish rain. I looked him right in the eyes and realized that the drops streaming down his face weren't from the rain-he was crying. I hugged him right there and whispered in his ear that it shall all be fine. I tightened my grip while his remained loosen up-he wasn't hugging me back.
"He is dead, Elena" he cried out and buried his face in my chest "He is dead."
"Shhh" I said in return and kept soothing him.
"Peter is dead." that one simple sentence broke my heart. I had no response for him. What could I say-this was the truth. Obviously, he has come to realize it and now he was falling apart.
We stood there for a minute or two until I looked up at Damon and nodded him. We couldn't stay here-the rain was soaking our clothes and he has been out for quite some time already, we had to get him inside. Damon slowly raised him up while throwing Stefan's arm over his shoulder. I tried to help him but I wasn't really doing anything except keep repeating him that he needs to make a few steps so we could get inside. I looked up and noticed Bonnie watching us from the door, clearly trying to compose herself just like the rest of us. Honestly, she was the one who seemed the strongest among us. Damon's hands were still slightly shaking and I myself felt like throwing up. If we were like this I couldn't imagine what was going on in Stefan's head. Now he was looking down to his shoes and he refused to raise his head, but I don't think he was crying anymore. He was just too tired to do that probably, he must've been like that ever since he got out of this house.
We got him in and started taking his clothes off. He didn't protest at all. He was probably wondering why were we paying attention to him, after all, his best friend has just died. He was going to be buried three meters under the ground we were all walking on and yet we were afraid that he might catch a cold. I could read all his thoughts in his look as he finally lifted it up and pierced it in mine-if it was a painful one I would have been worried but at least I would know what was going on-instead I saw nothing. He was empty, it was like he wasn't himself at all, like he has no desire to keep on doing anything. And by looking at me he was searching for support, he wanted to tell me to stop those people around him, to help him be alone with his grief. But I didn't do anything. I didn't because I was scared that something so wrong was going on with him and there was just no way back. I couldn't shake the feeling that from now on things would just go downwards.
And I couldn't believe I had these thoughts when only the other day I was so certain that even though I was pessimistic about our happy ending, for both of us, things would somehow turn out to be alright.
Now they won't be.
Not after this.
Damon's POV
Bonnie and me were sitting on the kitchen table with her trying to feed James and me drinking my second glass of bourbon. The past few days were just too stressful with Stefan unwilling to get out of his bed and Elena and me trying to keep him from going insane, though I wasn't sure if we could still do something on the matter. He honestly looked worse with every passing day and despite that fact he tried to convince us he was fine. Not that he was talking much but in the rare times I would go and ask him to tell me if he want something or if he's in pain, he just shook his head and kept repeating that he feels good though I could see he had a hard time even standing up on his own. That's why he avoided doing it-even in his worse he didn't want me to worry about him. He was putting me first again. That and the fact that he has lost any desire to do anything-he didn't want to eat and he said he's not going back to school anymore, made me desperate and helpless.
Bonnie and me we were worried about what will happen with him now. He seemed exactly as he was after Anna's death-he wasn't himself, he was lost. I had no idea how to help him get back on track. I'm not sure he himself wanted it. I honestly thought that Elena would be the one to help him come back to himself, but her attempts were almost as futile as ours were. Yet despite that fact, with her he was at least trying to do something-to get up, to walk around, to eat. He felt like he shouldn't let her down, no matter what and even when he was most broken he still didn't fail to try and live up to her expectations, because as I came to realize those few days-he was deeply in love with her. Somehow Bonnie and me thought that this could be the only thing to save him. Another decision we decide to take was to not let him leave for Chicago no matter what. There was no way I would leave him alone.
"You think too much, Damon." my wife brought me back to earth "And you need to sleep, you better go take a nap after they leave."
"Maybe I should go with them, just to make sure he's fine." I let a sigh out as she handed me James so she could clean the table. They were burying Peter today and I honestly felt bad leaving him on his own in that moment. But he insisted on me staying. At first he didn't even want Elena to be there, but she said that she's going anyway, because she wanted to say goodbye to Peter.
"Elena will be there. She'll take care of him." my wife spoke slowly as if every word carried a specific weight. "Plus you're working tomorrow so you need to rest. I'll keep an eye on him when they come back."
"I am not a kid, Bonnie" Stefan's hoarse voice echoed through the kitchen. We both turned up abruptly only to see him dressed in my best suit. He seemed as if he has lost so much weight for only a few days, he looked like a ghost and the big circles under his eyes indicating his inability to sleep at all ever since he found out about Peter. Elena found his hand under the long sleeve that covered most of his palm. Bonnie went closer to him only to fix his tie, even though there was no need for that-Elena has obviously helped him dress up and look good. If that was even possible right now. He avoided both her and my look, because he knew we were afraid of what we'll see there.
"Too late" I thought to myself-I already know you're broken.
"We are leaving" Elena spoke up after a minute or two filled with nothing but terrifying silence and I stood up to send them to the door. I was still afraid he is not strong enough to support himself, but surprisingly even though it took him quite managed by himself. I watched as they slowly walked away and kept feeling confused and lost since I had no idea what I could do to help him.
Stefan's POV
I used to believe that good things happen in life and that this is the reason why it's worth living it in the first place. So you can see a child's smile or feel the pleasure of creating something with your own hands, or just simple stuff like having a hot chocolate with the girl you love or watch your friend play the best game in the world. I used to think that there is a reason for everything that happens, now I don't anymore. I used to think that bad stuff happen to good people and I was fine with that because I preferred to look at the bigger picture. I wanted to never give up on doing good, for Anna, for my mother, who always thought me that, because I wanted to honor their memory, to keep remembering them by doing simple stuff so that they wouldn't completely fade away.
Now I was watching my best friend being buried in the ground. A boy I met about half an year ago. A boy I wanted nothing to do with, a boy that spoke to me first and took me to his house in a desperate attempt to find a soul out there who gets him. Did I filled that role though? Through most of the time we spend as friends he was sad and in despair and I couldn't do anything to change that. He was a lost and lonely boy, wandering through this world just like I was-unable to find a reason to keep on going, to see the good in every other day. A boy who spend his life craving for his father's attention who was now standing near his coffin with his eldest son next to him, trying to compose himself. I looked at him with so much hatred and despise-did he really felt remorse or was he only playing a scene in front of the town so people could feel sorry for him? Where was he when this boy lying down in front of us was drunk and craving for his father's approval? Where was he when he couldn't find his way home? Where was he when Peter was growing up all those years, alone and left out? But he was here now of course, because we were witnessing the end of a life. We've come to say goodbye to someone who didn't say goodbye to us, because we desperately needed to feel somehow more comfortable, to find something to hold on to, that will maybe help us sleep at night.
What we were doing here was delude ourselves. I knew Peter would have resented it, because above all he hated lies and delusions-he was always so brutally realistic about everything, even when there was no need to. Even when he should have appreciated his efforts and his success. He just didn't. He refused to. All the times he helped his team won should have been also the moments he would never forget in his life, nights in which he should have just lived his life-get drunk with the rest of the boys, kiss a girl he doesn't know and be late for school the next day. But he never did that, no matter how much I tried to convince him. He would just say "Oh, come on buddy, let's just go grab a beer and re-watch some NBA game." He hated attention, he didn't crave for it. He cared to make the only people who give a damn about him proud and he did. He made me proud-he has become the best player the school has ever had. He has made Emma and Theo proud as well with his success and with his good grades this semester, but mostly with the fact that he was probably going to study in an university and that he actually wanted it. Even though the last month and a half was very hard for him and he has lost all hope I could see that he was doing better. Especially that last time that we heard each other-he was optimistic, happy for the fact that he had try outs coming up. And he thanked me, I can still hear his voice in my head, he thanked me. And I simply said-"What for?" and I swear I could see him shaking his head and smiling even though he wasn't anywhere near me so he just repeated that he's grateful and said he should get going, cause he'll be too late and Emma would keep nagging all afternoon.
The boy that loved running and jumping and trying to reach the hoop was now under my feet. The lost boy with the sad smile was gone. He would never call me in the middle of the night again and wake me up so I can help him. He would never come surprisingly to meet me outside the factory and take me to the court to show me something new he has learned. He wouldn't argue with me about life and love.
He was just gone.
I felt Elena burying her face in my chest and her warm tears wetting my brother's suit. I never actually realized how hard was this going to be for her as well. She only buried her parents less than an year ago on this exact same graveyard. I took out the handkerchief she herself has put in my pocket and gently brushed her tears away as I tightened my grip around her as if I wanted to protect her from the whole world-and yet I couldn't.
Every person I've tried to help has ended up dead. Was the universe so desperate to prove me wrong? To remind me every time that there was no good around us-only brutal reality and sadness and thing to be taken away from you in a matter of seconds.
We stood behind the whole crowd but we could still see what was going on from that place. I looked around and realized that almost everyone who was here today hasn't spoken to Peter in the last 8 months and that made me both angry and completely sad. How come no one cared enough to help this boy? How come the place around his coffin was full, but he was so alone when he was alive?
We watched as they slowly let the coffin down and people started going away. As they surpassed us I could hear them whisper how sadly it was for a seventeen year old boy to leave this world and as they let this line out they somehow thought it was enough said and that it makes it all better so they could just continue living now.
Well I couldn't.
Emma and Theo stopped by before they took off. We didn't really said anything to each other, this wasn't something words could fix. Instead they hugged me both and before we parted Emma pulled something out of her purse and handed it over.
"You should have this" she said as she was trying to prevent herself from crying again "He would've wanted you to have it."I opened up the ball of cloth in my hands only to make the realization that it was his jersey with the red colors of the school team and the big C letter on the right side, where his heart used to beat, standing for captain. His name wasn't on the back-he always tore that away and no matter how many jersey's the coach made him, he would just ruin them like this; and the number seven on the back. My own number that he decided to wear as well.
I held it tight and nodded in response because I just couldn't get the words out-I felt like if I do I would just break down and I couldn't allow myself to do that, not right now.
They left us and Elena and me slowly approached the big pile of dirt that was covering my friends body now as well as numerous flowers thrown on top of it that was supposed to make it all look somehow better. I was terrifyingly silent and I felt her being so nervous and worried. She was scared, I could sense she was.
"Stefan…" she finally spoke up and I knew where this was going to. I knew it and it broke my heart, because I had to tell her. I had to tell them actually, no matter that my friend was no longer here on earth. "Say something." she pleaded. I haven't really spoken about anything that has happened at all and she knew I was shutting myself up from the whole world.
God, how much I loved her, I thought and felt a tear coming down my face.
I let a deep sigh out.
"A few days ago I had a friend" I started "a boy who never left me no matter what has happened, a person who kept my secrets and encouraged me to trust my instincts and let myself fall for the most beautiful girl on earth. A few days ago I was happy, foolishly optimistic that life can be good and that there won't be anything bad coming soon for any of us. And yet I stand right here now, watching the body of a seventeen year old boy being buried in the ground under me." I didn't look at her, I couldn't "I don't see a point anymore, Elena. In anything. Everything that surrounds me is a big fat lie and as the days pass by I keep torturing myself with the questions why did my parents had to leave this earth, why Anna-my first love was taken away and now my best friend as well? Why is it like that? I just don't understand, so I…I just can't keep living like that. I don't want to keep searching for the next thing that will prevent me from falling apart. It's too exhausting and I see no point in ruining the lives of the people around me."
"Stefan." she started with a desperate attempt to make me see above all this.
"He is dead, Elena." I interrupted her "He is gone and that's it. He just got buried in his best suit that he resented and among people who didn't even knew him really. He is no longer here. I will never see him again. That's the truth and there is no point in convincing me that it will be all ok because it won't be."
She hugged herself again and got on her toes so she could reach my cheek and give me a kiss.
"We'll get through this together" she whispered in my ear "I will be there for you just like you were there for me. No matter how long it takes, no matter what happens."
I smiled and kissed her on the forehead.
"I appreciate that, Elena." she smiled, relieved that I was agreeing with her "But I also knew you would say it..which is why I need to tell you something." she suddenly pulled away with a very confused expression on her face, fear evident in her eyes. "Dylan called me last night." I stated and her eyes widened in shock and realization. She knew what I was going to say.
"No" she let out silently.
"He got me the job. I'm leaving in a few days."
"No." she shook he head and took a few steps back only to stop abruptly and catch her head with her hands. "No" she repeated.
I came closer and removed them gently so I could see her face.
"Listen to me" I started "I love you. I will always love you." I removed a strain of her hair and place it behind her ear. Then I leaned closer and our noses toughed "It's just better this way."
"No, Stefan!" her voice was stubbornly cold.
"It's ok, it's fine." I tried to convince her "You deserve someone better. Someone who isn't broken and in despair, someone who will make you glad you are alive. I need to let you go."
"NO" she pushed herself again "You can't do this. You can't leave now. You can't pull up this bullshit about how I will be better-I won't be." I shook my head trying to convince her that it's not like that "Damon won't let you leave. Not like this, not after everything that has happened." she caught up to this thought as if it was the thing that could save her, save us.
"I'm passed the point where I ask my brother for permission, Elena." I said sadly. I came closer again and tried to hug her but she pulled away.
"You're a liar" she hissed "You promised me you'll never leave me. You promised me."
"Elena…"
"Don't go, please. Just don't go." now she was pleading. One last attempt to make me change my mind.
"I love you" I said again with which I only re-confirm my decision. It wasn't a promise-it was a goodbye. As I looked up I found her shaking her head and stepping back. Then she turned abruptly around "Elena…" I tried to reach out to her.
But she only ran away.
It was over. I had to let her go. My friend-no, not my friend-my other brother was dead, buried right beside me. It was over-I kept repeating to myself.
The stars shined beautifully above my head and I looked up in one last attempt to find peace today.
How I wish Peter was here to see them with me!