A/N: I had a few free days this week so I had some time to write. I'm sorry for playing like that with your feelings in the previous chapter. I'll make it up for you all. Probably not with this one, but still...

Enjoy and let me know what you think. ((:

Stefan's POV

I was standing at the bus station with my big backpack on the ground since it was too heavy for me to lift it up, waiting for all the people from the queue to move a little so I can put it in the trunk. I was looking around myself as if I was a mad person, waiting for the face I was so desperate to see to just come up out of somewhere. But she wasn't here. And it was better this way-I didn't deserve her anymore. Pushing her away was the right thing to do-she needed to get on with her life, to have the summer of her life and get ready for college so she can be young, foolish, careless and free. She would fall in love, I thought, and she'll heal. She'll stop being sad again and she'll find the man of her dreams out there-probably some good soon-to-be doctor coming from a rich family who'll ensure her life and the life of their children. He'll be smart, he'll have education, and I know that he will love her-it just won't be like I do right now. Like I will forever.

My heart ached. I have just lost my best friend, I've just been reminded again of how easy it is for life to get something away from you. It has left me broken.

Which is why she needed me out of her life. I was no good for her.

I used to think a lot about life. I used to be eager to find the answers to the questions that were bugging me. But after we buried Peter and I came back home, I've just lost this desire. I no longer needed to know the meaning of everything surrounding me. I no longer needed explanation for the things that I felt, because I knew that-death takes everything away from you and that's the only answer a person will ever need in their life. What I did just had no meaning. It was pointless. I was working so I could help my brother, but at the same time I was the biggest weight on his shoulders so ergo-the one thing I was trying to do, no matter how much of my strength it cost, was just useless, because someone else was unconsciously paying for it.

My brother-my thoughts ran back to him and our fight the other night. He was so angry with me, just so out of his mind. First because I lied to him about the fact that I've had problems those last few months. He though I didn't trust him when in reality him and Elena were the only people I know would never lead me on. I would trust him with my life, that's how sure I was he would never betray me. But he was convinced that I was just bend on keeping secrets from him when what I really did was trying to protect him. He has been taking care for me in probably half an year after the fight and after that as well-it was just too much for him to take. I didn't want him to continue. I was capable of doing it on my own. And honestly-right now, I was just like Peter after the fight with his father-I didn't care. I realized that I was leaving for Chicago so I could work in a big factory and get more money so I could send them to Damon. I was aware that I probably wouldn't last much and something will screw up, that could possible leave me unable to stand at all on my feet. And yet I was going to do it.

He was also very much against letting me go-he didn't want that. He could smell my willingness of self-destruction everywhere around my human being and it was driving him insane. He yelled so much at me and I just stood there and responded that I am going no matter what. And eventually he just send me to my room after we've scared James so much that he has started crying and that made me feel guilty.

I knew he would never let me out of the house though and that he probably thought that he could talk me out of this, which is why I bought a ticket for a bus leaving early in the morning, when he would've gone to work and Bonnie and James would still be sleeping, and I left the house.

I put two letters on the kitchen table-one for them and one for Elena, which I hoped they would give to her. I got up pretty early, cleaned myself and put a decent t-shirt on since I knew it would be warm outside-summer was on its way. I didn't really need to take many things, I thought I'll buy what I need there, so I just packed a few clothes, the book I was reading, and the notebook I used for writing with some photos of my closest people in it. The trainers my brother bought me at the beginning of the school year as a gift were now too shabby and with a big hole on the place where my thumb was but they were still comfortable and I had no other, so I just put them on and left the house.

The bus was delaying its departure and it got me nervous.

"Stefan!" I turned around abruptly only to see Bonnie rushing towards me with a very confused James in her hands.

"Bonnie! What are you doing here?" I was suddenly afraid that she'll try to stop me and without even realizing it, I took a few steps back, but she smiled sadly and with disappointment.

"Relax" she let out still clearly trying to catch her breath "I just came to say goodbye."

"Bonnie I'm so-"

"Stefan, don't!" she interrupted me with a stern but still a little concern voice "I found your letter and I just couldn't let you leave without telling you something." I looked at her confused. Was there something wrong going on again? She suddenly hugged me and James, obviously figuring what's going on started crying when he saw his mother's tears falling down as well. She smiled though "You have to know that we are ok with you going away and even if your brother is so stubbornly mad at you right now, he will get over it. You can't leave thinking that there's no one else out there caring for you-I do, he does as well and you can always count on us, ok? Maybe we don't consider your decision right in this moment but on the other hand I have no idea what it's like to lose the love of your life, your only best friend and to push away the girl you fell in love with after you were almost dead." I furrowed my eyebrows.

"How did you know I pushed her away?"

"I called Elena. She is on her way." I shook my head and started praying for the damn bus to finally leave.

"You shouldn't have done it. I can't-" I began, but then I looked behind my sister-in-law and there she was. She has stopped as she has finally seen me-we were just staring at each other for a minute and it made Bonnie suspicious so she turned around and I saw a smile appear on her face. But I wasn't smiling-I was in pain.

"Elena." she suddenly ran towards me and jumped in my lap like all those times before when she came to see me at the factory. She didn't want to let me go, though and we stood like this for probably more than five minutes. She was crying and I was trying so hard not to let my tears go as well. I had to look strong for her.

"Stefan, I love you." she whispered calmly in my ear "I can't figure out why it took me so long to tell you and I realize that this is the worst moment of all I could do this, but I do. I do love you. And I can't figure out how I can be so mad at you and still love you so much. I just can't" she started sobbing again and she buried her face deep in my chest. I could feel her wetting my t-shirt and it was as if someone was burning my skin.

"Elena" I wanted to interrupt her. To stop her torture. "I just can't stay here. You have to understand."

"I understand" she said and looked up, her eyes were red from crying. She had no strength to say anything else. She was just so broken and it made me fall apart as well. If it's even possible for this to happen. "I love you so damn much, Stefan that it hurts me."

"It hurts me as well." I kissed her on the cheek and gave her a wide smile "But that's fine. It means it's real. Elena" I turned to her again with a cautious voice "I will be there for you till the day I die. I will never stop loving you. Remember that." she shook her head as if she didn't want to believe me because she was afraid reality would prove her wrong. I cupped her face and gave her one last kiss. "Please." I said in another desperate attempt to both calm her and myself down.

"I will remember." she promised and closed her eyes as I kissed her on the forehead

People around us started moving and getting on the bus. Eventually we were the last remaining and the driver was waiting impatiently for me to finally get on. Once he realized that I was saying goodbye to my family his face got somehow kinder and he leaned back on his seat, giving me the last few minutes I could use.

Elena finally let me go while Bonnie was clearing her face with a napkin behind us. She came closer again and I kissed James on the head. He smiled and stretched his hands towards me but I shook my head and told him that I'll miss him.

"You call us every day, ok?" Bonnie started giving me orders "And if you don't feel ok you call your brother immediately, understand?"

"I'm going to be ok, Bonnie." I whispered and kissed her on the forehead "Thank you for everything. Tell Damon that I'll miss him." I added and started heading towards the entrance. They didn't make another step. It was just too painful for them. As if they knew that if they get any closer they will just break down again. I got up slowly and found myself a place at the end, on the window side so I could see them. The driver started the engine and Bonnie stretched her hand to wave at me. Elena's tears started falling down again but she smiled and kept her eyes locked on mine until we started moving away.

"I love you." I whispered

"I love you too" I read on her lips.

Elena's POV

After he left my whole life just turned upside down. Every night I went to bed I would remember the tears in both our eyes when he was about to get up on the bus and his last words that he loves me. I started hating him, cursing him. He called, but I always made Jenna say I'm not home. The letters he send remained unopened and unanswered. I often met Bonnie in the store and a couple of times Damon with the kids on a Sunday morning but I never asked them about what was going on with Stefan. How could I? Only saying his name out loud broke me and left me shattered.

I didn't want to understand him, I couldn't. I knew there was a reason behind all his actions, behind his decision to just leave it all behind, to leave me all behind. Even though we separated on good terms I still had such a hard time accepting it and I honestly wondered why, because Peter's death wasn't what drove us apart-it was life. He was supposed to leave to Chicago after we graduate and I was supposed to go to New York. I couldn't understand why was I so mad at him.

Then I realized I wasn't mad, I was hurt. It was true love and now it was gone. His words about leaving it all be and seeing what life has prepared for us I now considered to be teenage bullshits-those stuff, they didn't exist. You are either with someone or you're not-and we weren't. So what was keeping me awake at night then? Why couldn't I just leave him behind, why couldn't I overcome him?

I got in something like a depression and I spent most of the summer like this. Nothing could cheer me up, I didn't feel like doing anything, I was just a bag of potatoes that slept day and night. Caroline barely made me go outside every once in a while and I watched more than 200 TV series because I was desperate to find distractions. I almost called him a few times and one night I waited so much for him to pick up the phone but he didn't, even though it was late. I just wanted to yell at him and tell him that he can't just leave me, that I love him, that I need him. Other times I wanted to cry and beg him to return so I can get just one more kiss and touch his full of scars chest.

I was so consumed by my grief that I never really asked myself what was going on with him. How he must be feeling? His best friend just died. He lost two very important people in less than two years and he left, all by himself, so far away when he was sick.

He was alone, somewhere in this city, without his family, without his friend, without my love. And if it wasn't for Jenna, who a little before I left for college reminded me that I shouldn't only blame him, but look at the bigger picture, I would've never even thought about it. Yes he was wrong, he was guilty of just leaving like that, but I knew Stefan. He did it all for a reason. He didn't want me to be with him when he is so desperate and on edge, he had pushed me away and he needed to be certain that there is no other way for me to follow him so he left. And he believed that the summer will heal my wounds and that is why he never came back down to Mystic Falls and never visited Damon, because he didn't want me to see him. He knew it would break my heart. I realized-he has done it all for me, to protect me, to keep me away from all the grief he was feeling, from all the pain. And I was dumb enough to let that pass in front of my eyes. I never realized it because I was desperately trying to hate him, because I loved him and I wanted to drown that love deep down and forget about it.

And still I didn't look out for him. I didn't open his letters, I didn't call him. I wanted to, but I didn't. Because I believed that when I go to New York I'll be starting something new and he wouldn't matter. But I was wrong-it did matter, love always matters. Caroline pushed me to swallow my pride and I finally sat down and wrote him a letter which stood there at my desk for about a week until I finally decided to send it. I told him everything, the truth-that I wasn't ready to talk to him, to read his apologies, to think about whatever was going on between us. I focused mainly on explaining him what was going on inside me and I was honest-I was hurt and I needed time and I only hoped he could understand that. That last kiss we shared on the station should've meant that I am fine with his decisions, but I realized that I wasn't and I didn't know when I would be.

But now I felt responsible and guilty for not looking out for him when he was in the biggest whole in his life after Anna died. The truth is that I was in this place too, even though I was trying to deny it-it was like that-I was down, I was ruined and he didn't give up on me-he kept writing and calling, but I pushed him away. Now it was my turn to try and find out how he's doing.

He responded a week later. As Caroline gave me the letter I realized I was afraid to open it. I started at his handwrite on the envelope and wondered where was he when he received mine, what happened? How he reacted? Did he think it was a joke or did he put it in his jacket pocket, close to his heart, terrified to read it just as I was now.

I didn't open it until late in the evening when everyone were asleep and I could go outside in the empty benches in front of our rooms.

He has written that he was fine and that he's currently working in a big factory at the edge of town. I noticed that he was trying to sound cheerful, though he has admitted that it was hard for him to start this letter since he knew I would open this one unlike the rest of those he wrote in the summer. He mostly insisted on me talking about how my life is going-typical Stefan, he didn't want me to focus on him so he wrote half a page full of questions about my university life, Caroline and Jenna. He avoided answering my question about whether or not he was healthy right now.

And from then on we started writing to each other again. Sometimes I received a letter every week, other times once in two weeks, which probably meant he had too much work and he was hardly finding time to sleep, let alone write to me. I never called him though-I realized I was scared to hear his voice. I was afraid to make this whole thing, whatever it was, too real, because I was terrified it might just disappear somehow or something might go wrong. I was scared to death not to lose him, even though I wasn't sure I even had him at all. We never really spoke about what our relationship was right now. Most of the times our letters were completely friendly-like, but there was this one he wrote which ended with him saying that he wished he could see me and hug me very much and that he dreamt of us being together in New York, but he never went any further. He also didn't ask me if there was someone in my life and I didn't do it either-I think we were both too scared to do that.

And so the year almost passed like this-us writing to each other, talking about everything that was happening. Somewhere after the middle of March though the numbers of his letters drastically decreased, which led to me becoming very desperate. Caroline started feeling sorry for me and she wanted us to go out more so I wouldn't have to think about him. She thought seeing other guys would help, but that again, just like in the fall, proved itself to be a wrong prediction. Then I finally received an answer and I really didn't want to open it so it took me a few days before I finally convinced myself that maybe he has a reason for not responding. As soon as I saw how ugly and uneven his handwriting was I got worried and suspicious-there was something wrong going on. It was a very short letter in which he informed me that he got fired from the factory in Chicago and after trying to find a job for over a month his brother convinced him to come back to Mystic Falls and ask to be employed in the Joseph Evan's place again. They have taken him back and now he was living with Damon, Bonnie and the kids again. Even though I managed to calm myself down and at least assure myself that he hasn't forgotten about me I could feel that something was just off. Why wouldn't he just stay in Chicago and wait a little more? There were so many workplaces over there? Or maybe Damon has insisted on him coming back? But why would he do that? For the first time in forever I was doubting Stefan's words. And the pit in my stomach that told me something isn't right remained there. But then again there wasn't anything I could really do, exams were coming up and I couldn't leave right now. I thought that if he doesn't respond soon I might eventually go down there but the thing is that he kept writing. Just like before-I continued receiving letters though they were still with this ugly handwriting and they were very vague when it came to him.

Caroline said I should worry, that maybe he's just adjusting to being back there and that when we come back he will explain everything to me. Probably it seems harder than it looks, she said, after all he was so desperate to leave this place last year, the place where he lost so many things-and now he was just back there, out of the blue, because of some unknown reason he wasn't willing to share just yet and it the whole situation was leaving him hopeless. And I realized that she was right, it must be hard for him to be back, even though he is surrounded by his family.

So I decided to wait. After all we had like a month left and I would be back there soon anyway.

Though that thought didn't really help me sleep good at night.

Stefan's POV

Dear Elena,

Thank you for the fast response. I guess you are really confident in your knowledge if you're finding time to write to me when you have exams. You should be studying, you know?

Everything around me is fine. Ever since I got back here in Mystic Falls things are just the same as they were an year ago. Except my friend is still dead and the girl I love is so far away. Daniel is still being a pain in the ass, but that's ok. I am managing somehow. Bonnie is very busy with the kids. Little Alex is currently eating his dinner next to me while James is playing outside with the small basket ball I bought him the other week-he is going to be real good player, I can tell from now. But he's also a pain in the ass-he's not leaving me alone. Lately he is bend up on sleeping with me in the afternoons when I'm not at work, but honestly-I just love that. Bonnie is trying to make him understand that he can't be so annoying all the time, but he's only two years old-he doesn't get such stuff. He's speaking a lot more than we would've expected from him and sometimes he even drives us insane, in a good way though. The other day he tried to tell his mother that he loves her-it was sweet.

Other than that as I told you, there isn't much going on. Sometimes I go to the graveyard and talk to Peter-that is when I'm having a rough time. Dylan also travels down to Atlanta a lot lately so he passes by once a month, which I found great. Sometimes I go out with the boys from the factory and we grab a beer and watch sports, but they prefer football and I don't. Honestly-I can't really watch anything like that without thinking of Peter so you could say..I am avoiding going out lately.

Anyway, enough about me. Tell me what's going on around you? How are the parties up there? Is Caroline still with that boy you told me about? I hope she's making you go out more-you need to be among people and not shut yourself down from the world. I also hope that you are fine and that things are just going the way they should be for you. By the way-I haven't seen you aunt Jenna lately-is she away? I know I've only been back for month and a half but I never got the chance to see her. Send her my best.

I need to get going-Bonnie and Damon are both working tonight and I have to take care of the kids.

I love you.

Stefan.

"Stefan! Come on brother, Bonnie is ready with dinner" Damon opened wide the door of my room and got inside. "You shouldn't be up" he said annoyed with me again, but I just shook my head and put the letter in the envelope. "The doctor said to lie down."

"Well I can't lie down all day, you know?" I finally responded and he came behind my wheelchair so he can help me move up to the kitchen.

"Damon, I can do it myself" I put my hands on the wheels but he caught my shoulder

"I know you can." he was persuading me and I removed my hands, because I was too tired to oppose him. I hated fighting with him and plus I knew he was just worried. He often woke up at night and came to check up on me. I guess last time when he found me in the hospital really scared him again.

"You writing to Elena again?" he asked cautiously behind my back. I was glad I couldn't see his face.

"Yes." I responded after a while.

"Does she have any idea that you are-"

"No" I interrupted him as we finally entered the kitchen. Bonnie smiled and let James down only for him to run right to me and climb on my lap.

"James, leave your uncle alone." Damon started.

"Dada?" he asked confused. He was wondering why he couldn't stay here. Damon shook his head and took him away, but the boy didn't cry. He only looked sad as they put him to the chair next to his mother and his little brother. "Dada!" he turned to his father again and then pointed right at me with his sweet little index finger "Stefan!"

"Nope, you are leaving your uncle to have dinner in peace, you understand, son?"

"Damon, it's fine" I said since I started feeling guilty.

"Uh-uh!" he interrupted me "Don't encourage him. He needs to learn when it's time to stop." I knew he was right and yet I felt sad for the boy so when Bonnie and my brother weren't looking I made him funny faces which caused his sincere childish laugh to fill the kitchen. I ate a little bit of what they've given me but at some point after half an hour or so has passed I started feeling bad and weak. My brother didn't notice it at first because he was staring at the game on the TV but once he turned to me in order to ask me something he furrowed his eyebrows and stood up so he could come by my side.

"You wanna lie down?" he asked and I nodded slowly. He then stood beside me and pushed the wheelchair back towards my room. When we were close enough to my bed he caught my and moved me there without even asking me if I could do it alone-he just decided that I can't, but again, as before, I was too tired to fight him. He put me down and touched my forehead with his big rough palm and in a minute I met his angry face-he wasn't happy. He was starting to get sick of watching me like this, I could feel him getting on edge-he didn't know what to do anymore.

"I'm sorry." I said and I really meant it. "I'm sorry I'm such a burden."

"Don't you ever say that!" he almost yelled but he remembered that he shouldn't be talking so loud or else he'll scare the kids-the door to the living room was open. They could hear us. "You are just sick. "

"Will you send it, please?" I nodded towards the table where Elena's letter was lying between the big mess of books and lists on there.

"I will." he promised and he ruffled my hair. A sign with which he liked to assure me, to make me believe that everything is going to be ok. Or maybe it was a way for himself to calm down? I didn't know, but I also didn't mind. I only felt bad for making him go through this. "You are lying to her you know that right?" he added trying to make conversation since he didn't want to leave me alone before I've fallen asleep.

"It's for the greater good" I responded and looked away. I knew he was right, I just didn't want to admit it.

He shook his head and I tried to send him away, but he just got as comfortable as he could on the chair next to me and we started talking about something else and remembering the past or the childhood. Most of the time he talked though, I had a tough time responding since I didn't really feel good and I kept asking him to give me water until eventually I fell into some kind of sleep that wasn't exactly sleep because I woke up at least five times after that.

That night I remember dreaming Peter. We were at the playground and we were fighting about something again. I told him he wasn't doing something the way he should be and he gave me one of his devilish smiles, but listened to me anyway. And then I remember turning around for a minute and when I looked back to see if he was there, he was gone. The whole court was empty and there were clouds above me-it was about to rain. Just like the day when he died.

Then my brother woke me up. It was surely after midnight because I saw Bonnie behind him on the door post in her nightgown. Besides her I could see someone else though. Someone who was smiling at me, someone who was no longer alive.

"Peter" I mumbled as my brother helped me get up to give me water.

"What?" he said confused and gave a worried look to his wife.

"Peter" I repeated and pointed right in the direction where he was standing. He was dressed in his nice new jeans, a white t-shirt and the high school red timber wolf jacket. He didn't look tired or sad at all. He looked happy, but he didn't say anything to me. Why couldn't they see him? "He's right there." I said.

"Go back to sleep, brother" Damon said and put me back down.

"Why can't you see him? He's just there."

"Stefan, you're just delirious again. Go to sleep." he said and pushed me back on the pillow. Bonnie came behind him and they started talking about what they should do or something like this but I started dozing off.

I looked up at the place where he stood though.

He was still smiling at me.

Elena's POV

When I arrived back at Mystic Falls, a little earlier than planned, I realized how good it felt to be home. I've spent the day with my brother and Jenna, who were beyond happy to see me just as I was. My room was still the same, Jenna hasn't removed anything. I even noticed the big pile of the letters Stefan has send the previous summer untouched in the corner of my desk where I could still find some old high school books and stuff like that. Somehow I felt lonely though-despite the fact that I felt so good in my own room, I felt like someone's missing. I spent the better part of the late afternoon in my bed, remembering what it was like to lie here with Stefan. I realized that now that I was here I was afraid to actually go find him but there was also some excitement in me. With Stefan it wasn't only about kissing, hugging or sex. I wanted to talk to him, to discuss stuff with him, to tell him stories of my life, of everything that he missed because that always made me feel good. Of course-I craved for his lips and his warm touch as well, but I just wanted to see him, to make sure that he was fine, to let him in on everything that was going on, because he mattered too much to me and I wanted him desperately in my life.

And I've just missed him for too damn long.

As I drove to his house I hoped that he's home and not at work. I wanted to see his foolish smile and his messy hair. I was worried but I also felt that sweet impatience you get before you see your loved ones after a long period. I found it hard to find a place to park, there were too many cars or trucks on that part of the lane, in front of the small houses full of working-class people, so I couldn't stop right next to their house, which was probably for the better since this way no one would see me and it would become a complete surprise. I hopped up of the car and headed there feeling enthusiastic.

And then I stopped abruptly.

I saw someone on the lane outside their front porch. Damon has leaned down and was fixing the shoe of a boy in a wheel chair. They were arguing about something, but they couldn't notice me.

I couldn't recognize him, he looked so much different. He has lost weight and his face was very pale. He looked unhealthy. His head was down as if it was hard for him to keep it up and his whole posture was bended, even though he was after all sitting. It was like it hurt him to stay up. I was taken aback. Why was he like that? What has happened? Without even realizing it I've continued walking towards them, but they still wouldn't even realize that there was someone behind them.

"Stefan, I've told you to not put those shoes on so many times."

"Well what does it matter" his voice was hoarse, barely audible "It's not like I'll walk or something."

"You need new ones" Damon was still bended down and fixing his shoelace or something like that. I couldn't see. I was focused on Stefan. I could feel the tears in my eyes, but I tried to get myself together.

"Stefan." I finally said and they both abruptly turned towards me. He was taken aback, I saw fear in his eyes-he didn't want me to see him like that. He didn't remove his eyes away from mine, he couldn't and yet he was terrified that I was here and completely surprised by the fact that I was staying in front of his house after so much time has passed. Did he really think that I would never come look for him? Did he still consider me being mad? Well now I was mad. He has lied.

Damon composed himself and came behind the wheelchair, he has furrowed his eyebrows but he wasn't looking me with despise- he was judging his brother. He knew-I thought, he knew Stefan was lying to me and now it was all backfiring.

"Hey there, Elena" he said sounding tired "Welcome back."

"Thank you, Damon." I nodded but I was still piercing Stefan with my look. He was dead silent.

Then he put his hand on his brother's palm resting somewhere behind his back.

"Damon, leave us alone." he said and looked back down to his feet.

"But-" he tried to protest since he obviously was too worried to leave him alone.

"I'll be fine." now he sounded confident. He was trying to persuade him. Damon looked up at me trying to tell me not to take too long and I nodded understandingly. Then we waited until he got back in the house.

For a moment we just stood there and started at each other, without letting a single word out. It reminded me of the times after we have just met and sat silently on our back porch. So much time has passed since then that it hurt. Even though we had problems then, everything still seemed somehow more careless than it was now. Now things were serious, only I didn't get the chance to be aware of this. Suddenly I got angry and he saw it, which is why he cautiously finally spoke up.

"Come on" he moved towards me "Let's go to the court cause if we stay here my brother will keep starting at us from the window wondering what is going on."

I nodded, but didn't respond him and we took down the street. He was pushing himself slowly and I patiently waited for him, even though I was burning up from the inside. I just wanted to yell at him. He clearly felt uncomfortable being out, because he kept his head down. Or maybe he could sense that I was going out of my mind. When we finally went there I sat on the edge of one of the benches and he stopped the wheelchair next to me. Then he let out a cigarette, but didn't light it immediately.

"You lied." I finally spoke up and looked at him "You lied to me."

He was extremely calm though. He knew I would be mad, he has expected it. And yet he did it.

"I did."

"You said you were fine, that you were working." I suddenly raised my voice. "You fucking lied to me, Stefan and you are not even sorry."

"I am not sorry" he continued with the same calm voice that was driving me insane. How could he be like that? "I never will be. I made many mistakes in life but that wasn't one of them. It was better for you not to know."

"Why?" I was starting to break. My voice was letting me down and now I sounded desperate.

"You were away at college. You are not supposed to be thinking about this. You need to focus on other stuff."

"To focus on other stuff? Are you out of your mind? I can't stop thinking about you."

"You are mad." he concluded, still very patiently.

"Oh, I am beyond mad. I want to yell at you." he looked at me and smiled knowingly. He was provoking me, trying to make me let it all out.

"Then do so." he had the guts to even say it out loud. "It's not like I don't deserve it, right? I left you alone."

"Stefan!" I was trying to hold myself together.

"But I did." he continued and gently touched my head only to turn me towards him. I was on the verge of letting my tears go. "I left you. You told me that you love me after I've waited for so long and then I left you. I betrayed you, I didn't keep any of my promises to never let you go. And then I lied to you again. So you can come home and search for the man you love only to found a broken sick boy, isn't that right? I pissed you off, because I lied to you."

"Don't you dare pull up those speeches on me again . I'm not that naïve anymore, I know what you're doing. You want me to hate you, to leave you be because you think that's better. This is the real reason why you left in the first place-you were too broken and you ran, because you didn't want me to love such a screwed up person. But guess what, you dumbass! I loved you all this time. I still do."

He searched for my hand and squeezed it. Then he leaned and for a moment our faces were so close I thought he would kiss me, but he didn't. He only wanted to feel close to me.

"And you hate me at the same time. "

"No" I shook my head and he looked surprised "I'm only extremely mad at you."

"You know that there is one promise I didn't break?" he looked at me expecting "I never stopped loving you. I never will."

I finally smiled and he brushed away the only tear that I wasn't able to prevent from falling.

"Jesus, Stefan. You're making it worse, you know?"

"I am?" he smiled but pulled back and slowly leaned in his chair while finally lighting the cigarette. He didn't let go of my hand though. That was us-we would fight and be so mad at each other, but we wouldn't let ourselves be apart, no matter how far we were from each other.

"I felt something was wrong" I whispered "I should've come down here."

"I was afraid that you'll figure it out. In that period that I couldn't write I was so scared that you'll get impatient or sick of me."

"But then you wrote." I realized it was the thing that prevented me from actually doing something. He nodded and let the smoke out. I'm not sure he should be doing this now when he looked so bad, but I wasn't up to fighting with him about it right now either. I had too many questions. "So you want to tell me what happened?"

He let a deep sigh out, obviously trying to show me that he's not up to talking about it, but I wasn't leaving him with choices here. I had to know.

"I came home feeling pretty bad one night. I found the strength to call Dylan and he came by my flat. When he saw me he went out of his mind and took me to the hospital, because he really didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to call my brother, because I thought it would be something that will just pass away, but the doctors refused to let me go and so Dylan called him. He came by a few days extremely angry with me.

"That's why you couldn't respond. You were in the hospital."

"Yes. And I stayed there for two weeks or so. I couldn't really walk, my leg feels so numb and I kept making those inflammations so they wanted to make me a surgery."

"But you refused" I interrupted him knowingly.

"No" he shook his head "They ran some tests and it turned out I'm too weak to undergo it."

"What do you mean too weak?" I was confused.

"My heart is screwed up, Elena." he looked at me with a sad smile "Like my father's was. He had the same disease. That's what he died from, though I'm pretty sure the alcohol helped a lot as well."

For a moment I was taken aback so I just remained silent, trying to process it all. Now that explained why he looked on the verge of collapsing all the time.

I stood up abruptly and he looked at me confused.

"What?" I pulled out the cigarette out of his mouth and stomped on it.

"Are you out of your mind? You're sick and you're smoking. I will kick your sorry ass."

"Elena? What's going on with you?"

"What's going on with me? Are you crazy or what? You shouldn't be doing that!"

"It's just a cigarette. It's bad for the lungs, not the heart. You're studying medicine you should be making a difference, you know?" he smiled, trying to make the whole situation better. But it wasn't. It couldn't be. He was sick and he was fooling around as if he didn't expect to be here tomorrow. That wasn't how he should be right now. As I was about to start yell at him he caught my wrist and pulled him closer to him only to tickle me on the ribs. I jumped away trying to escape him, but he pushed the wheelchair and even though he obviously lacked strength he caught up with me and I used the opportunity of him being unprepared do give it back at him. Then he suddenly stopped and I noticed he has turned too pale, so I leaned down in order to see his face. I caught both his hands.

"You will be fine. You will get healthy."

"Elena" he has closed his eyes, obviously undergoing some pain invisible for me so I tightened my grip. Then I did something I had no intentions to do at all-not today, not after we have just met after such a long time and were unaware of what is going on with our relationship.

I kissed him. It was a desperate, but also passionate kiss. I've been craving for this for so long that I couldn't help myself, but I also wanted to help him feel less pain. He responded and I felt him cupping my face with his warm hands.

"I love you." he whispered one he finally decided to let me go. I could barely catch my breath.

"I love you too." I smiled and stood up. He had to go back home, he didn't look good. "But I'm still mad so you have to figure out a way to make things better."

"I can think of one" he gave me a naughty look but I only shook my head and pushed the wheelchair.

We spent the way back to his house arguing, because he wanted to move on his own, even though he looked like a ghost.

The pit in my stomach didn't disappear no matter how sweet and funny he tried to be.

I was worried.