A/N- Thanks for stinking with this! I appreciate you! So, the kids are coming back! Eek. And as always callies thoughts aren't so coherent on purpose it's not my lack of writing skills. If you get the chance please leave a review and let me know what you think. I like feedback. And have i mentioned lately how much i miss Fosters Monday? A lot, a lot a lot. But that won't change hiatus. Back to textbooks for me. So, without further ado- Enjoy!
As always- I don't own The Fosters I just own this delicious pumpkin chai latte.
Callie POV
"We are going to all sit down again tonight to talk when everyone is calm. For now, schools out soon and the others should be coming home. You okay with all the kids around? We want to let them know that you are okay. They've been concerned." Lena says. I'm still stuck on Stef saying things could have ended badly, she keeps saying bad. Maybe she finally realized I'm bad. See? Told you it would happen you pathetic child. That's what you get for telling them. It just took time for you to see that they're like everyone else, and for them to see just how unloveable you really are. She's calling you bad. But Lena hasn't said that yet? Maybe she still wants me? No, they're always on the same page. Wait, the words are catching up. Lena wants to talk later? That's never a good thing. The kids are coming home. Crap! The kids. Their real kids. Not me. Not us. Jude!
Then the real guilt sets in. I felt bad for making Stef and Lena cry or the other kids worrying but hearing that Jude has been concerned about me just drops my stomach. I feel that piece of toast threatening to come back up. After mommy died I took over her role with Jude, and now I almost left him like she left us. I know it was accidental but so was mommy's, she said she'd come home but she never did. Doesn't matter how broken I am I never want him to be, I will always save him. That's the funny thing about pain. Once it's settled in your heart you spend the rest of your life trying to make sure no one else feels the same hurt. I'll spend the rest of my life making sure no one leaves Jude like that again. That he knows he's worth sticking around for.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. I'm a horrible person. How could I do this? Oh my goodness what the heck was I thinking? Well of course I want sleep I'm just so tired beyond belief. Moms are right I should have gone to them. Okay I need to breathe. I'm getting dizzy over this but I cant breathe no matter how fast I try. Maybe trying to gulp more air at a time? That should help, right? The tears stinging my eyes are released burning tracks down my face. This could have gone so wrong. I can't do that the Jude. Why can't I breathe? Oh, hello white spots. All this time trying to protect him and it could have been gone just because I was selfish and wanted to sleep. Where the hell is that stupid air again? Crap. I'm so horrible. I just. There just. Ugh. Words. Can't. Stupid. Air. Shit. Breath. Dark.
Stef POV
I see Callies eyes start glazing as panic grips her at these words. I'm not quite sure what hit her so hard but I'm guessing that it has something to do with Jude. I'm glad I know she finally understands how wrong this was. Consequences matter. But, she's starting to hyperventilate and not responding to us at all. Lena switches seats with me and is sitting facing the girl, placing her hand against the youngsters chest pressing to try and get the girls attention. I wrap my hand around Callie's shoulder and start whispering in her ear that she needs to breathe. Her eyes remain glazed and she's not responding to either of us. If it wasn't for her heaving shoulders at gasping breaths and leaning into me I would think that she's not breathing at all.
Then all of a sudden it happens and I feel her full dead weight fall against me. She hyperventilated to the point of passing out. Again. This is the second time in two days. I really hope getting the girl to see Dr Kodema one-on-one will help her get her anxiety under control that seems to be bubbling to the surface at a rapid pace. I lay the girl down on the couch as Lena slide a pillow under her feet. I shake her shoulder and press my thumb on her trapezius to help elicit a response. She groans in pain and annoyance but opens her eyes. She awoke faster this time, I think its because her blood sugar should be better but otherwise I am happy that she's awake. Her eyes are darting around the room. She takes some deep gasps and looks up at me there is a hint of fear and confusion then just as quickly her mask is back. That mask that she had that first night when she was here. That mask that I was so certain we were making cracks in. I hate that mask.
While I was waking the girl Lena had gone to grab a glass of water and cold wash cloth. She returned and I helped Callie to take a sip and Lena slips next to her and places the cold cloth on her neck. It seems to have a calming effect. She starts taking deep breaths at a more regular rate. Lena gently brushes the girls hair behind her ear and asks "Okay?" Callie just nods in response. She is thinking hard, maybe just not finding the words or afraid of what to say. I can't help the frustrated sigh that is released through my lips. "Words please." Gosh, that's every other sentence out of my mouth right now. "Yeah, thanks." She gets out. "Thank you sweets. Remember, we need to use words with each other. I'm not a mind reader." She just nods in agreement. I look up to Lena hoping she'll take the reigns again, she does with a soothing voice "What got you so worked up?" Callie looks between us for a moment and bites down on her lip before responding. "I didn't mean to hurt anyone." She gasps out, I can hear the guilt lacing her voice. "Oh sweetie, I know you didn't" my love says as we both wrap our arms tighter around the regretful child. This action seems to be the breaking point as her heaving sobs return.
I start shushing the crying girl and whisper in her ear to breathe, that everything will be okay, that she's loved. I move her back onto me and start rocking her. Lena takes the blanket from the back of the couch and lays it over us. We don't need the warmth but hiding in a blanket is always comforting and the girl could use any sort of comfort we can give her. I feel Lena sit in close to me, I take the blanket and wrap it around my woman too. Callie's breathing settles down but the tears continue until I feel her fall asleep against me. I continue rocking us and stroking her hair, partially afraid if I stop she will wake but also because just holding her and knowing she is safe soothes me too.