Thank you so much for the positive response to my last chapter, it really motivated me to write this one. I still am unsure whether to continue with this story, it depends on if this chapter is well-received or not I suppose, so if you do want to see more of it, please let me know. I really hope you enjoy it :) xx

Chapter 10

Rachel watched her girlfriend carefully, breath held and waiting anxiously for her response. The colour seemed to have drained completely from Janet's face, she was looking down at her hands and - after Rachel had turned off that bloody wildlife program - there was nothing but a disjointed and uncomfortable silence permeating the air. Rachel continued to study the woman opposite her, hyper alert to any change, any shift of position, her tears drying up at a speedy rate as she tried to telepathically find out what was going on in her girlfriend's mind. Her fingers found the hem of her top and fiddled with it restlessly as Rachel once again replayed the scene with her doctor earlier that afternoon..

'So, Rachel, how has your mood been over the past couple of weeks?' Dr Adams had said after they'd made their usual small talk that his patient seemed to insist on at the beginning of every appointment.

'Yeah, fine thanks.' Rachel had replied, bringing her eyes up to the doctor and finding his returning gaze to be sceptical. She'd sighed, hating all this in-depth crap that was expected of her lately. She wasn't one to rip open her soul for all to see, but apparently that was what was required of her. 'Well.. a bit up and down lately, but you know, that's fine. I suppose it's to be expected.' she'd added hastily, not wanting to give the doctor anything to run away with, she knew what they were like.. diagnosis-mad.. and to be frank, she didn't have the time.

'A bit up and down? Can you go into more detail?' the doctor had pressed, fingers flexing as they hovered over the keyboard, ready to cement her next words into her medical history, glancing up after a strained pause from his client. When he did glance up and then turn his eyes back to the screen in front of him, he immediately looked back up. Rachel looked a bit green, maybe he'd pushed her too far. 'Er- are you okay, Rachel? You don't look very well.' He'd stood up and crossed the room over to the sink where he poured her a plastic cup of water and handed it to her, watching as she gulped it down.

'Sorry. Just feel a bit.. queasy, it's been coming and going over the past few days. I think I'm still paying for that bloody night out I had the other day. Getting old really isn't a barrel of laughs.' she'd replied, trying to make light of the situation as her stomach continued to twist and flip in disconcerting ways. She had pinched the bridge of her nose briefly before sitting up straighter and getting back to the doctor's original question. 'Er- more detail?' she'd asked, momentarily confusing the doctor until he realized she was answering his previous enquiry. 'Dunno, really. Been having huge mood swings, angry, scared, anxious, happy.. er.. other stuff.' she'd blushed as she studied her fingernails.

'Other stuff?' Dr Adams had asked pointedly. 'What do you mean- other stuff?' He was typing away furiously which Rachel found fortunate, she didn't want him to see her blushing like a bloody school-kid.

'Just.. stuff,' she'd begun, hurriedly rushing on to clarify her point when she sensed the doctor about to pause in his typing frenzy. She shouldn't have even started this line of conversation and she once again cursed the whole having to go the doctor situation. 'Er- just been feeling.. well.. kinda like.. er-' she must be flushing as bright as a fucking tomato, 'I've been more sexually aroused than usual.' She'd said in one breath, cringing as she said it. 'But I'm in a new relationship, so I guess that's normal.' she had ended feebly, wishing the ground would swallow her whole. She'd risked a glance at Dr Adams who didn't seem anywhere near perturbed as she was and he just kept on typing.

'Okay,' the doctor had said, 'how has your sleep been?'

'Yeah, fine thanks. Been having some weird dreams and stuff, but that's about it. Work was a bit crazy for a while which meant less sleep than I'd have liked, but it's calmed down again now which is good.' Her colour had slowly returned to normal as she'd shifted in her chair slightly, the nausea still playing havoc.

Dr Adams leaned back in his chair after typing the last bit and closed his eyes briefly before glancing over at Rachel and preparing the next load of questions in his head, he'd already covered sleep and mood, now it was just food and general concerns from what he could remember. While he was racking his brain to figure out of he had missed anything out, a thought suddenly came to him just as he was about to talk and he shut his mouth abruptly, sitting up quickly and rereading the information on his screen. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see his patient shift slightly as if confused as to what was going on. He reread the information one more time and turned to Rachel, clearing his throat as he did so. 'Er- Rachel, have you been using protection with your new partner?'

'Excuse me?' Rachel had asked, brow furrowing, at a complete loss as to what he was on about. 'What do you mean?'

'Contraception.. in the bedroom..' the doctor had replied in a slow voice, as if he were talking to a child.

Rachel had laughed loudly which she could see had startled her doctor and which only served to make her laugh more. Once she'd gotten a hold of herself, she'd looked at him full on. 'No, 'Dr Adams. It's not something I need to worry about.'

'Well, I know many people feel this way but it is something every woman under a certain age should be aware of the contraceptives available to her. They're getting more and more reliable all the time.'

'Doctor.. seriously.. I don't need to worry about that. If it has been a concern with previous partners I have used precautions, but honestly, I don't need to now.' Now it was Rachel's turn to be talking to the doctor as if he were an idiot.

'I just think-' Dr Adams started, internally rolling his eyes as he prepared to reel off his spiel that he was obligated to give any woman who he treated.

'Doc, it's a woman. I'm with another woman.' Rachel interrupted. 'So er- no. I don't think I need to use a condom.. unless one of us is really a man, and I can assure you, I've checked plenty of times and that really isn't the case. Thanks for asking though.' she'd added sarcastically, determined to go to whoever she needed to when she got back to work to put a stop to these pointless appointments. She had enjoyed revelling at the doctor's obvious confusion and embarrassment though.

'Right..' Dr Adams had said. If Rachel was with a man, he would still push her to do a pregnancy test but he'd be positive of the result. Now he wasn't sure what to think. 'Have you been.. sexually active.. with a male lately?'

'I don't think that's any of your business!' Rachel had replied furiously, backing down when she knew the fucking doctor would press her on it anyway. 'Fine. Two months ago maybe? This was before I got together with my current partner just so you know.' She wasn't going to be thought of as a slag, not by anyone.

'Okay, I know this might come as a shock to you, but I'm going to need you to take a pregnancy test...'

She snapped out of her reverie and placed a hand on her stomach as she looked back over to Janet who hadn't moved an inch by the looks of it. She wanted to reach out and take hold of her girlfriend's hand, but Rachel wasn't sure that it would be appreciated and she didn't think she would be able to cope if her gesture was rejected so instead she sat quietly, nerves kick starting once more as she wondered how long she'd have to wait for a response and what exactly that response might be.

As soon as she heard the words 'I'm pregnant.', Janet had almost exploded into peals of laughter. Just the very thought of it was absurd and she had almost told Rachel to give over and stop piss-assing around. In fact, her mouth had opened to say that exact thing when she'd happened to look, properly look, into Rachel's eyes. She wasn't joking. Shit. That's when the colour had drained from her face and she'd suddenly felt bloody freezing. To be honest, as she sat there she didn't really think of anything. It was as if her brain had thought 'Holy shit, this is too much. I'll, er, I'll just be off then.' and had switched to standby. So she just sat there, thinking of absolutely nothing, eyes staring at no point in particular until her brain stopped playing silly buggers and decided to show its face again. And, after a while, thoughts began making an re-appearance causing Janet to fervently wish that she could go back to a state of numbness. She raised her head ever so slightly so she could sneak a glance at Rachel unnoticed. She was sat with a hand on her stomach, her thumb moving in a soothing fashion across the non-existent bump. Holy shit. Janet raised her head slowly, seeing Rachel jerk her head up out of the corner of her eye. 'You're.. pregnant?' was all she could manage as she glanced over to her girlfriend.

There was a pause as the words circulated the room, both women once again trying to process the meaning. 'Yes. I'm having a baby.' Rachel said quietly, wondering where this conversation would lead. She'd wanted to keep it to herself for a few days until she got accustomed to the news but she'd known it wouldn't have been fair to Janet and as soon as Janet had pressed her it had all come flooding out whether she had wanted it to or not.

'Shit. A baby?' Janet replied, almost talking to herself as she tried to envisage what that meant for her and Rachel. The thought process made her heart ache as she thought of the possible scenarios. Rachel could leave her, thinking that it would be better to raise the child alone. She could leave Rachel. They could mutually decide the relationship was over. Shit. 'At least I don't have to go down the route of asking if it's mine or not.' Janet smiled weakly, her mind racing as her heart sank.

'Always a silver lining, eh?' Rachel joked in a small voice. 'And just so you know, it's Sean's. I haven't been sleeping around.' she wanted to make that clear, even if Janet already had come to that conclusion. 'Er- are you okay?' She knew they had to have this conversation no matter how much she wished they could rewind a bit and pause for a while on the loveliness that was the previous weekend.

'Am I okay?' Janet said slowly as if testing the words out. 'Hmm. Am I okay? My girlfriend of.. what? .. a couple of weeks has just told me that she's pregnant. Pregnant! Am I supposed to be okay? Sorry, I didn't catch the memo for lesbians who find out their partners are up the duff.' Although looking back on this conversation at some point in the future Janet would feel some regret, right now she didn't give a shit. Yes, it was Rachel's news but now it involved her too. Now she was part of this mix and it wasn't anything like what she'd signed up for. She looked at Rachel and felt a single twinge of remorse as she spotted the hurt clear on Rachel's face which she quickly wiped away as she saw her girlfriend's hand tenderly rubbing her stomach. 'I mean.. what were you thinking? Why on Earth didn't you use protection?! You knew all along that you didn't love Sean so.. what the fuck? Excuse me if I'm a bit confused here, but to be honest I think I have every right to be.'

'Do you really think that's what we should be focusing on?' Rachel replied, anger flaring up inside her at once. 'The fact that I didn't use protection all the time with my then boyfriend? Fucking hell, Jan, why don't you call Crimestoppers now and have me locked away once and for all! Shouldn't we be talking about the here and now? I am pregnant. I am having a baby. This is the sort of stuff we should be discussing. Jesus Christ!' She sat forward now on the defensive.

'Well, I'm dreadfully sorry if it's taking me a while to get my head together and I have a few fucking questions to ask in the meantime.' Suddenly the fire left Janet's gut as quickly as it had appeared and she sank back into the sofa, sighing quietly. 'Look, I can't talk about this right now. I don't want this to end up in an argument and you certainly don't need that. Anyway, I'm tired; I'm going to go to bed and we'll talk about this tomorrow, okay?' She looked over at Rachel, willing her for once to back down from her usual stubborn-ness and just let her go to bed.

'Fine.' Rachel said quietly, flicking the television back on as she shifted position, tucking her legs up beneath her and pulling a throw from the end of the sofa up over herself. 'Night.'

'Night.' Janet replied, knowing that Rachel was hurt but not feeling anywhere near able to comfort her at the moment. 'I'll talk to you tomorrow.' As she walked past to head into the bedroom, she brushed her hand lightly against Rachel's shoulder for a brief moment, closing her eyes at the bliss of that touch, lingering just for a second before removing her hand and walking out of the room. Entering the bedroom, she changed quickly before going into the bathroom and brushing her teeth, head still racing, fears still making themselves heard in a rather loud manner. Finally she crawled into bed, curling up to the very edge of the bed in an attempt to keep Rachel at bay and silently begged for sleep.

The alarm blared loudly at 7am the next morning and it only served to hammer home the headache that Janet already had. She'd had a poor night of sleep, not falling asleep until the early hours, long after Rachel had crept into the room, slid into bed and had fallen asleep. Janet reached a hand out to stop the alarm and sat up in bed slowly, feeling Rachel shift beside her but not looking down. She rubbed her eyes and clamboured out of the bed, grabbing some towels from one of the drawers and heading for the bathroom. As she stood in the shower feeling the hot water cascade over her shoulders, she sighed deeply, not feeling the anger from the night before, but just confusion and anxiety. They'd only just got on track and become an item, what would happen to them now? After washing her hair and giving her body a good scrub, she stepped out of the shower wrapping a towel turban-like around her hair and brushing her teeth as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. Oh God, she looked awful. Her eyes had big dark bags beneath them, her complexion was much paler than usual.. she didn't look good. After sighing to her reflection for a short while, she returned to the bedroom, sitting in front of the mirror in preparation to dry her hair. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Rachel get out of bed and get some towels before heading to the bathroom herself, the room still silent and tension emanating in thick waves. Janet sighed once again and picked up the hair-dryer, her thoughts running amok and her stomach flipping with anxiety about what the day would bring.

'You ready?' Janet asked Rachel, stood by the front door with her car keys swinging from her hand.

'Mhm.' Rachel replied, not looking at Janet, scared of what she would see.

'Bring some toast with you, you haven't eaten any.'

'I'm not hungry, I don't want any.' Rachel's eyebrows furrowed and she looked like a petulant child.

'You might not want any, but it's not just you that you need to think about anymore. Bring some toast please. And don't forget the napkin.' Janet pressed before turning on her heel and heading out of the door before climbing into the car and waiting for her girlfriend to join her. She only had to wait a couple of minutes and as soon as Rachel entered- balancing her napkin covered toast carefully- and put on her seatbelt, she set off.

'Are we actually going to talk at some point?' Rachel asked softly, looking out of the window at the scenery racing past.

'Are you actually going to eat some toast?' Janet shot back, determined to nag as much as needed to get Rachel to eat properly. She might not be fully comfortable with the situation she unwillingly found herself in right now, but that didn't mean she wanted Rachel or the baby to suffer.

'Fine.' Rachel replied, shoving the toast in her mouth, acting like a teenager and causing Janet to smile slightly. 'So, now I'm doing what you want, are we actually going to talk about this?'

'Yes,' Janet's expression turned serious again as she considered such a conversation. 'But later, okay? I don't think that a drive to work is the place to bare our souls and discuss something like this. When we get home, we'll have a talk. Promise.' She glanced over at Rachel, noting that Rachel looked probably worse than Janet herself did, which was no easy feat today. 'Are you okay?' she asked, concern colouring her voice, inadvertently reassuring Rachel that she did still care about her, something that had been playing on Rachel's mind a huge amount over the past few long hours.

'I feel.. sick. Really sick.' Rachel said, raising a hand to her forehead and feeling that her temperature seemed to be on the rise.

'Oh shit. Should I stop the car?' Janet panicked, looking at the surroundings outside and trying to figure out where would be the best place to pull over.

'No, it's..fine. I'm just going to open the window.' Rachel leaned against the car door frame, gratefully feeling cool air whip around her face as they spent the rest of the journey in silence.

'Fucking hell, look at the state of you.' Gill blurted as soon as her two officers had rounded the corner into the office.

Janet and Rachel glanced at each other with confused and slightly offended looks. 'Er.. thanks?' Janet replied upon turning back to her boss.

'Not just you.. the pair of you look fucking awful. Oh God.. you need to go home.'

'What?' Rachel asked, bewilderment colouring her tone. 'Are you okay, ma'am?'

'I'm fine, but I'm not having another sickness bug making it's travels around this office. You both know what it's like to have half of the team off sick and those stupid covering officers in. So, go home.' She gestured towards the same door they had just came through. 'Now!' she added sternly when she noticed Janet was about to interrupt. 'If you feel better tomorrow, come in but if not.. stay away. I mean it!' Gill swept towards her office as she said those last words, somehow managing to time it perfectly with a resounding slam of her door leaving Janet and Rachel looking at each other, stunned. Without another word spoken, they both turned around and walked out of the office door, not needing to collect bags or jackets as they hadn't had time to take them off in the first place.

As they headed down the stairs to the car park, Janet felt her heart sink. Shit, now she had no excuse not to have this conversation. She'd already promised they'd talk about it when they got home, but in her defense, she'd planned on being home a lot later than this. She hadn't even had time to think about what to say. Bloody Gill, next time she wanted to make a tit out of herself by singing Eminem at a works night out, she would bloody let her, that's for sure. Everything was so bloody complicated, why couldn't things just be simple for once?

'Do you want some more water?' Janet asked gently as Rachel came out of the bathroom once more after being sick.

'No thanks.' Rachel croaked. 'I think that's the last of it, now. I bloody hope so.' She crossed the room and slumped on the sofa, looking at Janet who was leaning against the table. 'Can we have that chat now?'

Janet nodded weakly and sat down on the far end of the sofa. 'I guess we should. Where do you want to start?'

'Er- well.. okay. Um, why were you so angry last night? I expected you to be shocked, but you were.. really angry. Why?' Rachel looked earnestly at her girlfriend, the hurt shining bright in her eyes.

Janet saw the hurt there and felt her heart constrict slightly as she tried to figure out what to say. 'I was.. I am scared. And I'm shocked. I mean, I never even entertained the thought as a possibility. I shouldn't have gotten angry like that, I am sorry about that, Rach.' She fiddled with her top as she spoke, eyes downcast, heart going like the clappers.

'It's okay.' Rachel said softly, processing the new information. 'Why are you scared? I don't understand..' she trailed off, waiting for Janet to fill her in.

'Lots of reasons,' Janet started, the fear etching itself across her face. 'I didn't know if you'd still want to be with me if you're having a baby. I mean.. oh, I don't know. Maybe you'd want to get back together with Sean, maybe you would think it would be easier for the baby if you weren't with me, maybe you just simply wouldn't want to be with me anymore.. I don't know. And-' she was cut off abruptly as Rachel started talking.

'What?! You're insane. I want you. Not Sean. Never. I mean.. well, Christ, I haven't really thought about it, but I suppose I need to tell him and let him be a part of the baby's life, but really.. just.. that's all. That's all it will be between him and me. Whatever happens, that will always be all it ever is.' Rachel said forcefully, being reminded again of just how much she had to think about now she was pregnant. Sean. God, that was going to be a fun conversation.

'Okay, I get it. But it's not just that, Rach.' Janet was flushing a brilliant red and Rachel once again turned her attention to her girlfriend. 'I'm.. I'm forty-seven. I've done the kids thing. Twice. And I love my girls, I wouldn't change them for the world, but it was.. it continues to be.. hard work. I did all the sleepless nights, the night feeds, the chasing around.. all of it. And I was in my early-thirties then and it was still hard. After we had Taisie, I decided that I didn't want any more children, that my two gorgeous girls were enough for me, more than enough. I mean.. yeah, when they were babies, it was hard, exhausting, draining. But it doesn't get easier, Rach. As they get older, yes, most of those problems disappear, but they're replaced by new ones. It never stops being hard, exhausting, draining, it's only the reasons that change. You know when people say being a mother is the hardest job in the world? They aren't lying. It is tough. And I.. can I really do this again? Can I be a new mummy again? I.. I don't know.' She dropped further into the back of the couch, feeling shocked at the length of her reply, ashamed at her thoughts and scared of Rachel's reaction. It took a minute or so before she could bring her eyes up to look at her girlfriend's and she felt a tug on her heart as she saw Rachel's eyes brimming with tears. 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. You wanted me to be honest, Rach.'

Rachel tried to swallow the tears, tried to blink them away. Janet was right, she had wanted honestly. Fuck. What a mess. What a mess this whole thing was. She sat in silence for a moment, fiercely willing the tears away and waited to speak until she could trust her voice. 'What does this mean? For us?' Even the thought of the possible outcome of such a question made her shudder in horror.

'I don't know, love.' Janet said quietly, her own tears threatening to make an unwelcome appearance. 'I really don't know.'