CHAPTER 4

UNPROFESSIONAL

Operations Booth, Police Plaza, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now

HOLLY burst into the room on the day she was to meet Artemis and Butler, hair disheveled and heart pounding. "Foaly," she gasped. "Foaly, abort. Abort abort abort abort."

Foaly clopped over, alarmed by her appearance and what she said. "What? Why? What happened?"

Holly took several deep breaths before continuing, bringing her heart rate to a more reasonable level. "I-I can't do it. I've been up two nights thinking about it. If he accepts me, the Council might not; if he doesn't accept me, I'd live with a hole in my heart." She put her head in her hands.

Foaly put a hand on her shoulder, saddened to see his friend so distressed. "I know. You're between the lesser of two evils. I was hoping you'd be able to sort it out by the time we put this plan into action, but I know how hard it must be."

He consulted his watch, a rather ancient contraption by fairy standards. "There's still about an hour before you're set to meet them. If we call Butler now, he'll have time to put together an alternate plan. Mind you," he said, sardonic grin lighting up his features, "he won't be pleased."

Holly, with her heart feeling slightly lighter than it had the past three days, gave a weary smile.

"That's alright. I can live with that."

Foaly gave her shoulder a squeeze. "Let's give Butler a call, and send you home for the rest of the day."

Holly sighed, rubbing her suddenly-aching eyes. Up until now he hadn't realized just how much pressure she had been under. Maybe, she thought, it's better this way. Maybe it's better if I never know how Artemis feels.

She yawned, stretching her arms behind her head.

It'd be great just to sleep all day - a day without Mud Men and adventure.

Room 42, J. Argon Institute, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now

Not for the first time (and not for the last time), Butler was glad that Dr. Jerbal Argon was vain and had a taste for the grandiose. Though fairies averaged a meter in height, most rooms in the clinic were almost triple that. Of course, with Butler being almost 7 feet tall, this meant he couldn't stretch while standing up, but at least he could stand without cramping his neck.

On this particular day, Butler was sitting on one of the four beds (Dr. Argon had to bring in three extras to accommodate for the manservant's bulk), his massive spatula-like hands apparently clumsily tinkering with the delicate components of his cellphone. It certainly would have been a sight to laugh at, if Butler were the type of person to laugh at. Of course, such a sight would have been a façade - an illusion, if you will. Trained at Madam Ko's Academy, Butler was one of the world's greatest marksmen. This meant, of course, he had extremely steady hands. He was currently putting those hands to use by attempting to insert a new component - one that would boost his signal underground. Artemis's phone was already capable of sending and receiving calls and text messages from anywhere on and under the world, but Butler had yet to make such an upgrade.

Almost there now, he thought. I just need to connect this...to here...and…

Click.

If Butler were any other man, he would have shouted, "Yes!" and jumped for joy. As it was, of course, Butler was not any other man, and simply nodded once in satisfaction.

Excellent, he thought. Now to just...d'arvit, is that the time?

The glowing characters on the wall-mounted clock glared out of him, as if reminding him of his appointment. Of course, they were in Gnommish, but Butler was one of three humans who could read such a language.

Now he cursed himself for his carelessness.

It must be these unique circumstances, he thought. The lack of action has relaxed me, and the artificial lights taking place of the sun are playing havoc with my internal clock.

Quickly but surely, Butler replaced the components of his phone.

Omnitool, check. Fairy antenna, check. Ballistic case, check. Alright, that's everything.

He quickly pocketed the phone, put on a new tie, and hurried out the door. In his haste, though, he forgot one thing - a very important thing that he had left on the nightstand.

Operations Booth, Police Plaza, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now

"Why isn't he picking up?"

Foaly frowned. This was an unusual breach of etiquette for the blue diamond bodyguard. The Butler he knew was lethal, loyal, but above all else, professional. With the previously agreed meeting time now only half an hour away, Foaly knew that the chances for coming up with a diversionary plan were becoming slimmer and slimmer.

In the meantime, Holly's breathing had sped up again, as she realized she had to go meet the humans, lest Artemis become suspicious of her intentions - or worse, insulted by her lack of punctuality.

She groaned. "The one time..."

Foaly chewed on his bottom lip. "What do you want to do?"

Holly sighed. "Not much I can do, is there? I'll have to go meet them now."

Foaly nodded sympathetically, then, in an effort to cheer her up, said, "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'll wait until I post this to my website."

Aha! That last remark enticed a sarcastic smile and a rolling of the eyes out of the female captain. "Thanks, Foaly. Really appreciate it. Maybe I'll wait until I come after your hairy behind this time."

Foaly's grin actually grew a few molars, and he felt a small glow of pleasure. Seeing Holly in so much duress was heartbreaking, and he was glad that his closest friend still found the dry humor in everything.

Holly rubbed her brow, trying to fight off the effects of two nights of insomnia.

"Well," she said, trying to sound more upbeat than she really was, "wouldn't want to keep those two waiting. You know how they are - if I'm a second late Arty - Artemis - will lecture me about the essence of appointments and why they're so important." Her voice caught as she said Artemis's nickname. It felt so right, saying it, but she-

No.

Holly closed her eyes, briefly, trying to clear her head.

You don't want anything to happen, she said to herself. You know Artemis. He's a friend. He's saved you a few times, you've saved him a few times. Don't worry. You'll be fine. Just...don't think about anything. Nothing will happen.

But despite everything, Holly still felt tears spring up, unbidden. She shook her head angrily.

Snap out of it! You are Captain Short of the LEP. You are a pioneer for females. You were handpicked by Julius Root. You cannot dissolve at the thought of a stupid Mud Man!

She opened her eyes, an idea suddenly clear. Foaly, in a rare move of tact, was standing by his computers, focusing a little too intently on his monitors. She knew he was unsure whether to intervene and help.

But that was alright. She was ready. She knew she wouldn't be completely at ease for a while, but she had an idea - an idea that might get her out of this mess, and keep relations between her and the humans at the same level it was now.

"Hey, Foaly," she called, excitement and determination seeping into her voice. "Can you do me a favor?"

Foaly knew that tone. It was the tone she used when she was going to do something stupid. He sighed inwardly. He probably wasn't going to like it. He turned around slowly.

"Yes, Holly?" He listened to what Holly had to offer.

He didn't like it.

The Boulevard of Kings, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it.

Internally, Butler fumed. The battery? He forgot his phone's battery? He couldn't believe himself. He once brought three rifles to a stakeout, just in case the first two malfunctioned and now - and now, he forget his phone's battery?

Calm down, he chastised himself. You and Foaly have been planning this for two days. Koboi is in prison, the B'wa Kell are disbanded, and Turnball Root is dead. Nothing can go wrong.

"Butler, explain to me again: why are we here?"

Artemis looks very ill at ease, thought Butler idly.

"We are here because we - Holly and I - believe Dr. Argon to be a vain, paranoid nuthead who is keeping you cooped up partially - or mainly, I'm not sure which - to generate interest and revenue for his clinic."

Artemis smirked at that in spite of himself.

Butler continued his reasoning. "So we decided that the best thing for you at the moment is to take a break - to explore the city. I know exploring really isn't your type, but Holly's a little anxious to see you." Butler regretted his poor choice of words immediately.

Artemis had gone a little red at that, smirk disappearing faster than a steak down Mulch's gullet. He hastily cleared his throat several times before replying.

"Ah...yes. I certainly agree with your evaluation of Dr. Argon. Though he insists I require more work and medication, I can say in all certainty that I have been cured of the Atlantis Complex by week eighteen of my treatment."

And then, quite abruptly, he said, "Very well, let us look for Holly."

Artemis tried to still his fluttering heart. He was almost certain now - he was in love with Holly.

But how to reveal myself? he pondered. I excel in the logical aspect of thinking - action and reaction, cause and effect. This...abstract area of emotion is not my forte.

He had spent the entirety of the night two days prior meditating on his current issue, noting how easily the blankness came to him when he had accepted what his heart was telling him.

What my heart was telling me? Really? I sound like that fool Orion.

But not even Artemis Fowl, criminal mastermind, boy genius, and savior of two worlds could triumph the yearnings of the heart. They were unconscious, involuntary emotions, brought out even in the hardest of people. Artemis, in the middle of his teenage years with hormones running amok, could not best them any better than anyone else.

"Is she late?"

Artemis glanced up at Butler, who was attempting to find a public clock, since his watch was ripped off during the mass mesmer incident in Mexico, and his phone was as useful as a brick in its current state. Artemis consisted his own watch.

"No, we are somewhat early. However, feel free to declare her late in five minutes."

Privately, Artemis was glad for the extra time to think. It allowed him extra time to determine his next move - what to do about Holly. He decided to close his eyes for now, and allow the memories of that night to spring up. He was meeting his best friend in five minutes, and he had to know how to act.

Room 16, J. Argon Institute, Haven City, the Lower Elements; 2 days ago

Artemis tore a piece of paper off the journal Dr. Argon had given him, writing a request for silence in Gnommish and English. It was probably redundant, seeing as it was midnight and everyone would be asleep anyway, but there was the chance that Butler or Dr. Argon would check up on him. He couldn't find any tape, so he simply put the note in the hallway, right in front of his door.

Now was certainly a time for meditation. There was much to think about, and he decided to utilize one technique he developed himself. It was fairly complex in concept, and required a knowledge of the human brain, fundamental frequency, and perfect pitch. Once the process started, it could not be stopped until whatever answers Artemis were looking for were found. If he were to describe what happened, he would say "I literally talked to myself." Any listener would dismiss such a notion as crazy, but in a rare twist of bizarreness it was true.

Artemis ran the steps through his head once.

My brain is wired for G2, sharp 13.5 cents. I will also need to provide the fourth overtone at the same time. If done correctly, the combination of these two overtones will send my brain into a deep sleep state, yet I will retain many upper levels of thinking.

He remembered the last time he used this technique, and the thought of it brought a somewhat rueful smile.

I last used it for the Spiro venture. My, how I have changed in the years since.

Artemis allowed his smile to disappear, straightening his back in the process. But no more distractions. I need to understand myself - to understand what my subconscious and unconscious are telling me.

With that, he took a deep breath, and hummed a perfect G, sharp by 13.5 cents. Ten seconds passed without incident, and Artemis had begun wondering if his brain's natural frequency had changed in the last few years, when the world went black and all sound disappeared.

Artemis opened his eyes. He was no longer in his room at the J. Argon Institute. In fact, had he not expected what was coming, he would be hard-pressed to explain where exactly he was.

For Artemis was literally entrapped in his own mind. Surrounding him was a black void, where memories were seen as disembodied replays and every thought visualized. Artemis was slightly embarrassed - but only mildly surprised - to see Holly in a lot of the floating frames.

He was sitting down on an inexplicably solid part of the black void, but he stood up and approached the figure in front of him.

"Simetra."

"Artemis."

"I require your assistance."

"I know. I am your subconscious, after all."

Simetra gave a vampire smile, beckoning the image of the boy genius over. He looked identical to Artemis, apart from his lack of definition. Simetra's entire image was cloudy and indiscernible, but it was possible to make out a pair of mismatched eyes and raven-black hair from time to time.

Artemis and Simetra sat opposite each other.

Artemis got straight to the point. "I need to know what I feel about Holly."

Simetra frowned. "Is that not clear already? You feel an enormous affection towards her because of her loyalty and her willingness to put others in front of herself."

Artemis waved his hand dismissively. "I know that. I need to know to what extent this affection extends."

This brought out a smirk. "You know. You are simply in denial."

Artemis gaped for a full ten seconds, then replied, "Preposterous. I cannot be in love with Holly Short."

Simetra's smirk turned into a grin not unlike the one Artemis had given many times before. "As I said; denial. You were able to hide such feelings before because of the pressures and stress brought on by your various adventures - the Eleven Wonders, Hybras, whatever. Even when not engaging in such excitement, you were busy pouring your energy and resources into your Ice Cube, not bothering to take the time to think about Captain Short."

Simetra leaned forward. "Then, five months ago, you reached Stage Two of the Atlantis Complex. Your other personality, Orion - who, by the way, is around here somewhere, as he is also part of your subconscious. He generally stays close to the memories of the romance novels you have read and written. Anyway, he revealed what you - the conscious mind - had been harboring for so long. In addition, these months have been fraught with nothing but treatments and medications - and without anything to distract you, you became unable to defer these emotions any longer."

Artemis had spent the entirety of Simetra's argument in stoic silence. He knew everything about it was true - Simetra and Artemis shared the same body (and the same mind), after all - but he was unsure what to do next.

"Nothing."

Another thing about this type of meditation. Thoughts require brains in order to be thoughts, but as Artemis was already locked inside his own mind anything he thought was projected into the void. He still was not quite used to that.

Artemis cocked his head, puzzled. "What?"

"Do nothing. We both know you are not the loving, cuddly type. You are a logical mastermind, with no time for the pettiness that is emotion. A breach or an anomaly in your behavior now would be sure to raise suspicion."

"So I am to wait and see."

Simetra snapped his wispy fingers and pointed at Artemis. "Precisely. There is a close to certain chance that Captain Short feels a similar - if not stronger - affection towards you. However, she has more at stake than you."

Artemis nodded slowly. "Her job and her reputation."

"Yes. Judging by your observations of Captain Short and my own calculations and analyses, she will certainly attempt to act on her emotions, but I cannot determine whether she will follow through."

Artemis shook his head. "It doesn't matter. I have what I came for. Thank you."

Simetra stood up. "My pleasure. Remember - wait for Holly to make the first move."

Artemis nodded. "I know." Behind him, two elliptical windows slowly opened - his body's vision. He stood up to go, and in a show of grace not present in his physical body, reentered the real world.

The Boulevard of Kings, Haven City, the Lower Elements; Now

Artemis opened his eyes. Barely a minute had passed since he began processing his memories. He felt an uncharacteristic pit of anxiety in his stomach. He knew he was not to act - and that there was a good chance that Holly would back out of showing anything - but the realization and acceptance of his love for her was almost overwhelming. He knew - even if Holly didn't - that they had feelings for each other, but he also knew that his actions could save or damn her - and that kind of knowledge is very stressful. He was seriously considering confessing to her if only to release that stress, when a voice came from down the street.

"Arty! Butler! Over here!"