Chapter 3

The next morning, John found himself heading up the attic stairs. The attic of their home was really more of another room. It was an 'L' shaped and ran the length of the house. It had high ceilings, hardwood floors and large windows. They had talked about the possibility of making it into an office for John in the future. However currently, it was just a giant finished room with a few boxes in it.

They didn't have a lot to store when they moved in. Mostly assorted holiday decorations, a few boxes from his mother's house of some high school memories for him. A painting that Christian did for Natalie that she couldn't bear to part with and in truth, he actually liked. A few things she inherited from Asa when he passed away. He knew there had been a box of memories from when Natalie was married to Jared but, he also knew that that box had disappeared when Jared showed up alive last year.

There was also several old file folder storage boxes up there. Old case files he had worked on over the course of his career. Cases he didn't want to forget about, some unsolved and some closed.

Stepping into the attic, he couldn't really describe how he was feeling. He was looking for a box that while he knew was up here somewhere, he didn't really know where. It was an unmarked file box. It wouldn't match the other boxes up here. It was much older and smaller than the others. And while he had seen it over the years, he hadn't looked inside of it since he packed it away.

He couldn't shake the feeling that there was something inside of it that might give him some idea of why Kaitlin did what she did. Did she leave him voluntarily? Was she forced? Should he have known she was in trouble? Should he have known she was alive all this time? Should he have looked for her?

Natalie had told him after she got over the shock of the news that he had 'died' years ago in a car accident, she never really felt like he was dead and that prompted her to find him in Hugh Hughes' place at the hospital. And he didn't know how but he knew when she had been kidnapped by Barber that she was alive. He just did, he felt it in his gut, a pull to find her until he actually did. So why didn't he know that Kaitlin was alive?

He spied it in the back around the corner. He took a deep breath and opened it. Pulling out picture after picture, trying to put aside the feelings that they evoked from the memories that they contained. He sat down on the floor and scrutinized everything.

He hadn't realized how long he had been up there until he heard his family arrive home. He stood up, feeling how stiff his back had become and looked out the window. Natalie was struggling to get Laney and Sean out of their car seats in her Black Denali, while Liam ran around the SUV. He never strayed far from his mother but, John knew that it was probably starting to stress Natalie out a little. He knew he really should go and help her but, he couldn't help but watch them without them knowing. He smiled. His son was so lively and spirited, and Laney standing calmly at her mother's side watching her brother run around, while Natalie picked up the baby. She was so beautiful, he was a lucky man.

He finally sprung into action seeing them move toward the door. Running down the two flights of stairs he managed to make it to the front door to open it for them.

"Hey my little darling", he said swinging Laney around as he picked her up as she came through the door. She giggle as her eyes lit up at the sight of her father.

"What are you doing home?" Natalie asked as she moved into the room and set Sean down in the playpen.

"I had some stuff I needed to do here so I left the station early," he told her as he helped Laney with her sweater. He still hadn't told her about the information that Patrick had given him. He really didn't know what to say.

"Oh?" she asked turning to look at him, "can I help?" She had asked so eagerly that he really hated to say no but, he couldn't have her help him with this. He was saved from answering by his son, who wanted to tell his dad about his day at preschool. Thankful that his son took after his mother in the talking department, John turned his attention to Liam. If Natalie noticed that he didn't answer her she didn't point it out, she just moved around the room hanging up Laney's sweater and the diaper bag by the door and straightening up.

As the days and weeks went by Natalie noticed John home more and more often when she would come home from picking up the kids. At first she attributed it to his new position as police commissioner. He said he would be home more but, she thought that meant not getting called out as often at all times of the evening and in the middle of the night.

But instead of him being less stressed he seemed more stressed than ever. Sometimes he would stare off into space and not have heard a word any of them had said to him. He would disappear for hours on the weekends and she found him coming down the stairs from the attic on several occasions.

When she asked him what was going on he just said nothing, that he had a lot on his mind. He didn't seem interested in anything going on in the house, and that wasn't like him at all.

He seemed to have an overall smooth transition into her uncle's old job. The guys at the station seemed pleased. Officer Davis had been promoted to Sergeant. Officer Fish, Oliver, had been promoted to Lieutenant and was next in line for the title of Chief of Police, John's old job.

But, he snapped at them all. The kids for leaving toys laying around, her for asking him if he was ok or any other little thing. The guys at the station for stupid nitpicky things. His poor new assistant, who was still trying to learn her job, Natalie ended up helping her quite a bit.

But, the biggest change has been the fact that he hadn't touched her in weeks. Since they made love in the bath the night Marty was in their house. It was unusual for them to go any length of time without, unless mandated by a doctor. After his accident, after each of their children were born and after his vasectomy. Otherwise they had a very health sex life. But lately he didn't seem to even notice if she was in the room. If she would try to touch him he would brush her off or ignore her.

She didn't understand. Did he realize he missed Marty? Did he realize he loved Marty and made a mistake by marrying her? Did it upset him to see Marty with her husband? Marty tried to kill her and she stole their son, twice. Marty was crazy, she was so out of her own mind that day she was in their home. Was he worried for her? Did he blame himself for the state she was in now? Unless he felt responsible for her condition, maybe that was it but, none of that was his fault. She didn't know what to do to get through to him.

"Blair's grand opening is tonight," Natalie said one morning several weeks later. They were sitting at the kitchen table. Finishing up breakfast with the kids. John was reading the newspaper and Liam had run upstairs to get his shoes. John was getting more and more distant with her. She was hoping to find a way to reconnect. When he didn't respond she tried again to get his attention.

"John," she said a little louder.

"What?" he said looking up from the paper annoyed.

She took a deep breath, it wouldn't do any good to start an argument with him. "Uhm, I said that Blair's grand opening is tonight," she said again, with all the patience she could muster.

"And I told you how I felt about that," he responded curtly.

"Well, I know but…it's been so long since we've done anything, just the two of us, I thought maybe we could go?" she asked hopefully.

"No," he said very matter a factly and turned back to the newspaper.

"We could just stay upstairs at Capricorn and have dinner," she tried again.

"Natalie, I don't want to go out," after folding the paper over he stood up and put his cup in the sink.

She sighed, feeling rejected. She watched him rinse his cup and walk out of the kitchen without a second glance at her. She felt the sting of tears at the backs of her eyes, she didn't have time to feel sorry for herself. She had to get Liam to preschool and Laney and Sean to her mother's so she could get to work. Typically John took one run or the other but, more often lately he'd been leaving the house without so much as a good bye let alone taking any of the kids with him.

John stopped at the foot of the stairs. 'Damn it', he thought, the look on her face broke his heart. He knew she had been putting up with a lot from him lately. He couldn't seem to snap out of it. She didn't deserve it.

She looked around the kitchen, the mess would have to wait. She unbuckled Laney from her chair and set her on her feet and giving her a kiss on the head, she turned to pick up Sean when she felt him reenter the room. She could feel his eyes on her. Natalie knew if she looked in his direction, she would probably cry so she avoided him by turning toward the sink to get a towel to clean Sean's face with.

Natalie felt him come up behind her and she froze when he placed a hand on her hip and his chin on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. Natalie tried to swallow around the lump in her throat. She watched his other hand come up and rub the top of Sean's head. It was the most affection she'd seen him give any of the kids in quite a while.

"I just…." She swallowed hard, and said shakily, "it's been so long since we've spent any time together," she took a deep breath before she said, "I….I miss you." She was acutely aware of how whiney that sounded but, she couldn't bring herself to care.

He could hear the tears in her voice and he knew it was all his fault. He'd been so preoccupied with this case for weeks. Trying to find Kaitlin was consuming all of his thoughts. John knew it was time he told Natalie the truth. He didn't want to lose her over this. They'd promised each other no more secrets. He wasn't intentionally keeping it from her but….he was keeping it from her.

"I know," he said. He reached up and tucked her hair around her ear, then he leaned in closer and spoke quietly into her ear, "we'll go….for dinner at Capricorn. Just me and you," He kissed Sean's head as the baby turned to smile at him. "There is something we need to talk about."

She turned quickly around in alarm, her blue eyes wide. "What about?" she asked, trying to not panic.

"Just…some things that have been going on, nothing to panic about," he told her as he looked into her eyes. She was holding Sean close to her and John had his arms around her, she smelled so good. He hadn't been this close to her in so long. And the way she was looking up at him, he knew she could feel it too. He leaned down to brush his lips against hers, he heard her gasp faintly as he pressed his lips more firmly to hers but, before he could deepen the kiss, he felt a tugging on his shirt tail. He broke off the kiss leaving Natalie's head spinning at the sudden departure of his lips from hers. She saw him looking down and she realized what the interruption was.

Their daughter was feeling left out and Natalie smiled as she watched John pick Laney up and place her on his hip. Laney had always been partial to John and was of the three of their children, the most like him. Quiet and observant, thoughtful and always analyzing her surroundings. Laney buried her face in her father's neck and stuck a thumb from one hand in her mouth and clutching his shirt in the other. Natalie knew that her daughter was afraid her father would disappear either emotionally or physically again and Laney was hanging on to him for dear life hoping it wouldn't happen. It broke her heart to see their kids so desperate for his attention.

She knew this distant side of him. She had seen it when they first met and throughout their early friendship but, he'd never been like this with any of the kids. Ever since Liam was a year old and they found out John was his father, not Brody, John had always been there. Open emotionally with all of them. He had thrown himself into fatherhood. Hopefully she could get some answers tonight. She was jolted out of her thoughts by his hand on her shoulder.

"You ok?" he asked

"Yeah," she answered, blinking away the thoughts, "I was…..just thinking."

"Did you hear me say I would take Laney and Sean to your mom's?" he asked looking into her eyes intensely. She could feel a shiver run down her spine. After all this time and all they had been through, she still loved and desired him so much. It amazed her.

"That would be really great," she said and despite each having a child in their arms, she reached out with her free hand and pulled his face closer to hers and kissed him. It wasn't a long kiss or an overly passionate kiss but, she poured all the love she felt for him in those few seconds, hoping he could feel it.

And he did, feeling her soft, warm lips against his made him wish they were alone in that moment. It had been far too long and he wanted his wife. He had to fix this, fix himself. He wanted his life back the way it was.