Chapter 9
Natalie was so angry, more at herself then him at the moment. She knew yelling at him wouldn't work. She would have to try again when he got home, if he came home, to talk to him calmly. She walked upstairs to their bedroom, thinking a hot bath would help. She stopped when she saw the door to the attic stairs at the end of the hall.
Not really being sure why, she made her way down to it and went up. She knew John had been spending a lot of time up there. She caught him coming down more times than she could count and heard him moving around up there a few times when she couldn't sleep.
Natalie turned on the light and stepped into the room, nothing looked out of place. There wasn't that much up here. 'What was he doing up here?' she thought. She walked past the rows of stacked boxes to the point in the room that turned. A person couldn't see back here from the stairs.
When she had seen what he had done, her breath caught, she stood stunned. It was like a shrine in the back corner. Photos taped to the walls and spread out on top of boxes along with mementos, newspaper clippings, a few miscellaneous items and a black ring box. She took a step closer, looking at each picture individually. John and Kaitlin's lives were spread out all over this corner of the attic.
Natalie was so confused, she didn't understand why John would do this. Did he still miss her that much, did he wish she was Kaitlin? Did he imagine she was when they made love? Natalie swallowed the bile that rose in her throat. The images blurred when she started to cry. She closed her eyes and covered her face with her hands, she couldn't look at it anymore.
She heard a car door slam, she looked toward the window. Wiping her face and straitening her spine, and swallowing the rest of her tears, she stood right where she was and waited.
John swung the front door open.
"Natalie?" He hollered as he came in. When she was home she would answer back with her location in the house. And even though he knew she was here she didn't answer. He looked through the dining room to the kitchen, she wasn't there or in the living room so he headed upstairs and to their bedroom.
"Natalie?" he hollered again, she wasn't in the bedroom or the bathroom. Walking back out into the hallway, he was wondering where she could have gone. One of the kids rooms? The basement, maybe?
He turned to go back down stairs when he realized the door to the attic was open. 'Damn it', John thought. He didn't know how long he stood there staring at it. Slowly he made his way up the stairs. Coming to the top, John saw Natalie standing at the other end of the room, facing him.
They took each other in. She noticed his mussed hair, his pale face. He stood ridged like he was waiting for her to snap. He could tell she'd been crying even though she wasn't now, her arms crossed over her chest, and her eyes. He loved her blue eyes, they were so expressive. They sparkled when she was laughing with the kids, or joking around, they turned dark and smoldered when they made love. Right now though, they were dead and emotionless. And that sent shivers down his spine.
"Natalie, sweetheart-" he started. She lifted her hand out in front of her and motioned for him to stop.
He did and waited for her to speak. All she could think was she had to get out of that room. She started to walked pass him but, he reached a hand out and grabbed her arm as she passed whispering her name. She spun around and jerked her arm out of his grip. She was seething with anger.
"Don't touch me," she hissed and glared at him.
"We need to talk about his, there's something you don't understand," John said desperately, willing her to listen to him.
"Now you want to talk?" she scoffed, "I have to go pick up my children," she said in a low angry tone, glaring at him.
"Natalie-"
"And I suggest the two of you find somewhere else to sleep tonight. And you better make damn sure you take her with you because if she is still here when I get back, I'll set the whole thing on fire," she ground out. Natalie turned stomped down the stairs .
"Natalie...wait!" John said running after her. He caught up with her at the bottom of the attic stairs.
"No, I don't want to do this now," she said not slowing down.
"We promised each other we wouldn't do that again and-" Natalie stopped and whipped herself around cutting him off.
"We promised each other a lot of things!" She screamed at him, "But apparently none of that matters anymore." She whirled back around and continued to the stairs to the main level of their home.
"Hey," he said harshly following her down, "HEY!" He yelled, reaching the bottom of the stairs, grabbing her upper arm and spinning her around, "you don't understand," he said.
"I understand enough," she said trying to wrench herself out of his grasp. He reached out and grabbed her other arm, holding her facing him with both hands.
"Listen to me," he hissed through his teeth.
"I don't want to hear anything right now," she dug her nails into his arms but, through his jacket he barley felt it.
She was struggling to free herself from his grasp, so when he finally let go she stumbled backwards a few steps but caught herself before she fell.
"Damn it!" He growled at her. This was exactly what he was afraid of. There was no way she would ever understand.
He chose his words carefully, he knew what he was saying. "This has been a...huge….mistake," he mumbled turning away from her, running a hand through his hair and placing both hands on his hips. He wasn't prepared to do this now. He'd hoped he would have a better handle on his emotions before he did this to her.
"A mistake," she repeated lowly, "what exactly do you see as a mistake? Our marriage? Our children? Our lives? Huh? What exactly is the mistake here? Trusting you?"
John whipped around, knowing what he was about to say would hurt her so much, he looked up over her head before looking back into her face. John knew he had to do it now. He might as well start if he was going to see this through, he clenched his jaw and struck where he knew would hurt the most, "trusting me? That's rich coming from you." He shook his head and scoffed. This was going to rip his heart out. He swallowed the bile that rose in his throat. He walked passed her toward the couch. He didn't think he could go through with it.
"What?" She whispered. Natalie stepped back as though she'd been slapped.
John took a deep breath and exhaled, "nothing. I-I didn't mean it. I was just lashing out," John said quietly, rubbing a hand over his eyes to hide the tears surfacing there. "Fuck Natalie, I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that." He shook his head and sat down, he couldn't even look at her. He didn't know how he was going to be able to do this. He felt so ashamed. He had to quit waffling, going back and forth between emotions was going to tear them both apart.
"But, you must really feel that way or..." Natalie swiped at the tears that were running down her face, she hadn't even realized she was crying, "you wouldn't have said it."
"Shit!" John said, his head in his hands. This was spinning out of control, he thought maybe he should let it. He was flying blind here. When he was with the FBI, he could think quicker on his feet. Natalie and the kids were going to be safer without him. And Natalie needed to believe he was leaving otherwise this wouldn't work. Before he could think it through the words were flying out of his mouth.
John stood up abruptly, "you know what? I am not cut out for this. This was never what I wanted," John crossed the room to look out the window, careful to keep his back to her, if he had to look into her eyes or see her face he wouldn't be able to do this.
"What are you talking about?" Natalie asked confused, quiet voice, she wasn't sure if she was following him.
"This-this life here, a father and a husband. I didn't want any of this but, I got stuck in this damn, god forsaken town and now…...I was a special agent with the FBI, with the FBI! I traveled the world. I caught some of the world's most horrific criminals. And look at me now...working for the local pd," John closed his eyes and swallowed hard. His gut was churning. He didn't know if she would ever understand or ever be able to forgive him after this but, he'd rather have her hate him than for her to be dead. It was better she hate him, it was better this way. "Tied down in this podunk town, there's nowhere to go from here."
"John-" Natalie whispered.
"I tried…you know, I did, for you. I tried to do this but, the bottom line is, this is just not for me. You would have been better off with Jared or Christian, those guys wanted this life," John said as he closed his eyes.
"You cannot be serious," Natalie whispered harshly. She couldn't breathe, she stood there staring at his back wondering if she was going throw up.
He huffed, "oh sweetheart, you have no idea," he whispered back, his heart breaking, tears stinging his eyes.
"John..." Natalie started in disbelief, her heart had shattered. She didn't know what she wanted to say to him.
"Go get your kids Natalie," he said in a stronger voice than he felt, "When you get back, I'll be gone just like you asked."
Natalie couldn't believe what she was hearing, none of this made any sense. Her heart was breaking. She felt like it might actually snap in two. "And what exactly am I to tell your children when they ask for you?" She asked him, hissing through her teeth. He stood staring out into the back yard. At the swing-set they bought and put together, remembering how it took forever and they laughed the whole time but, with Michael's help they got it done.
"Oh my gosh….John, I don't think this is right," Natalie said trying to hold her laughter in.
"No, this has to be right, I'm following the directions," he said as he tried to stand the swing set up onto its legs. Both watching as it toppled over. Natalie tried not to laugh but, she failed, the legs were clearly on backwards.
"Maybe-Maybe we should call Michael, he put Gabe and Dillion's set together.Maybe he can remember how it went," she snickered.
"No, I can do this. I am a man. I can do this, I certainly don't need my brother coming over here to help," John was confused, he'd followed the pictures, how should this have happened.He picked the directions back up looking them over. He felt Natalie come up behind him, she snatched the directions out of his hands.
"John! These aren't even in English!" she roared with laughter, causing him to laugh with her. Her laughter was contagious. He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to him, kissing her lightly on the nose, "ok, call my brother.Let's see if he can put that fancy college education to use."
"I don't think they give degrees in 'toy assembly'," Natalie laughed again.
"No?" He asked jokingly.
"No," she responded, both of them laughing at the situation.
Liam's bike was out there where his son left it. Toys littered the back yard but, he never cared. It looked lived in. Like a happy home.
"John? You have three children. Are you just going to abandon them? What exactly do you want me to tell them?" Natalie said more firmly than before.
Without saying a word he turned and went upstairs, leaving Natalie standing in the living room alone. She stood there for a moment, taking in what had happened. Should she follow him upstairs? He said he was stuck here, did he really feel that way all this time? Natalie wasn't sure how long she stood there in disbelief, unsure of what to do. She turned, grabbed her bag and keys and left the house. She couldn't be there anymore. She couldn't see him leave her. But, she knew she also couldn't go pick her kids up in this state.
John bowed his head, running a hand through his hair. He watched out the window as she left, then went over to the corner of the room and started plucking the photos off the wall. He had started putting them up in chronological order so see if anything stood out to him. Nothing did. He had no more idea now where she was than he did before. Natalie thought he was up here pining for Kaitlin, when really all he was doing was looking for clues. But, with her finding this and the way he'd been treating her and the kids, it was going to be too hard to convince her of that.
Victor said he could get him into the Securities System organization. Victor would be leaving soon and told John if he was coming with, he needed to decide quickly. Taking the box to their bedroom, he stopped to take the room in. Their wedding portrait hung above the fireplace, she was so beautiful that day. He walked to the mantel and snatched the photo that sat there. It was taken by Gigi, he'd just told her something and she had her head thrown back in laughter. He stuffed the picture in the box and set the box on the bed while, he grabbed a duffle bag from the hall closet. He'd only take what he needed. He traveled with less when he was a younger man. Hopefully, he hadn't gotten too soft in his old age and from the lifestyle he'd lived the last few years.
He stopped next to the bed and touched her pillow. He knew he'd broken her heart again. This time, he did it on purpose. Lifting the pillow he put it to his face and took a deep breath, filling his nose with her scent. He would have to try to remember how she smelt, how she felt, how soft her skin was. John turned quickly and left the room before he lost his nerve. Stopping in the hallway, he entered each one of his children's rooms and did the same thing. Trying to hold on to the memory of them all.
Reaching the bottom of the stairs, he looked around the living room of the home they'd live in for 3 years. Tears stinging his eyes he memorized the room. Taking a deep breath, he started for the door, stopping short in front of the bookcase next to the stairs. He grabbed a small photo of the three kids that sat there and swiftly walked out of his home. He got into his truck and drove away without looking back.