Chapter 10

Mommy!" Liam yelled from the other room.

"Yeah buddy, can you come in here," Natalie called from the kitchen. They had just gotten home for the day and it was time to start dinner. Usually John would help keep them occupied with something while Natalie got dinner going or he would offer to pick something up. She should have just gotten a pizza or something, she was so tired tonight. 'Kids can't live on pizza, Natalie,' she thought to herself.

"Mom," Liam repeated coming into the room.

"Yes Liam, what is it?" Natalie asked hoping she had enough lettuce to make a salad for them.

"Where's Daddy?" Liam asked in an irritated voice, causing Natalie to turn around in surprise.

"He's working," Natalie said firmly, looking directly at him. Hoping he would let it go like he'd done the other times he'd asked this week.

"No he's not, where's Daddy?" Liam demanded again in a defiant tone.

"Your father is working Liam and I don't appreciate the way you're talking to me. What do you need?" Natalie said trying to be patient. She knew John's absence was taking its toll on her children as well as herself.

"No he isn't working. I wish you'd stop lying to me, I'm not TWO," Liam yelled at her and turned on his heel and left the room. Natalie could hear him stomping upstairs then slamming his bedroom door. She considered going after him and punishing him for yelling at her but, she could hardly blame him for being angry. She sighed and sat down.

John was working, at least he was at the station when she left. That much wasn't a lie but, he hadn't come home in week. She took a deep breath, stood up and finished making dinner. She would talk to him later when it was time for bed. Maybe after he ate he would feel better. Natalie felt the sting of tears behind her eyes. Dinner wouldn't make her feel better, why would she think it would help her son.

A week later Natalie was bracing herself. She hated walking into his office. Lately, she just walked in dropped whatever on his desk and walked out without saying a word. And he normally doesn't even look up or acknowledge her when she comes in. Opening the door she was shocked at the sight that greeted her.

"Hi, Uncle Bo," she said hesitantly.

"Hi honey," he looked up and smiled at her, "how are you doing?" He asked coming around John's desk to give her a kiss on the cheek.

"Uhm, ok. Where's John?" She asked him. She had a feeling in her gut she wasn't going to like the answer.

'Damn it', Bo thought. John was a good friend but, lately he'd just as soon kill him as look at him. And once again, John left it to him to deliver bad news to his niece. Bo took a deep breath and said, "sit down honey."

"No, I don't need to sit down. Where the hell is John?" Natalie demanded.

"Quantico," Bo answered quickly.

"Virginia," Natalie stated angrily.

"Yes," Bo answered her non question.

"Where the FBI academy is? That Quantico?" Natalie was furious.

"Yes honey, I thought he had told you. I told him to talk to you before he left but, I guess he….didn't," Bo was devastated for his niece. Natalie sat down slowly. He was truly gone. He'd left her and he'd left town.

"He's not coming back," Natalie said, it wasn't a question.

"Well, now I don't know about that. He left it open ended," Bo said. He knew most of the truth. John left her because he felt he didn't have a choice. He had a case he was working on and he didn't want Natalie or the kids around it. He told John he didn't agree with what he was doing but, if it were to keep Natalie and the kids safe, he would keep John's secret – for now. He made no long term promises.

"No, he made it pretty clear that he didn't want to be in Llanview any longer," Natalie swallowed the tears that were threatening to fall, "I just didn't think he would leave the kids behind."

"Listen honey, I think that John just needs a little time-" Bo started.

"A little time!" Natalie scoffed, instantly angry. All hints of sadness gone, "what are you talking about? We have three children that are so...confused. Devastated. Liam is so angry all the time and Alana, she is so clingy and she doesn't sleep. Sean, he's too young to know what is going on but, he can feel it, he's so unusually fussy. I don't know if I'm coming or going...he needs some time, what does that even mean? No, no...he's a selfish bastard. That's what this is. Selfish," Natalie spat out the word and ran her hands over her face.

"I'm ah...going to be watching over things here for a while," Bo told her, "why don't you take the rest of the day and try to relax a little before you have to pick up the kids, huh? Try to get some rest."

"I don't need to rest, I need to keep busy," Natalie said trying to control her anger, "this is the report on the robbery that John was working on. I got a match on the print. It should be enough for a warrant," Natalie handed the folder to her uncle, "I'm going back to the lab if you need me." She turned and left the room.

Natalie laid in bed, wide awake as she had every night since he'd left. John had been gone for a few weeks now. She'd had to learn to sleep without him before so she knew that she could do it again, she just didn't want to.

She'd adapted to functioning on very little sleep these days. As she laid there she found herself again wishing he'd never left, wishing he'd come home, wishing he'd call and hoping he didn't. She'd stopped crying every night but, she still couldn't sleep. She heard a noise from the doorway and sat up quickly, turning on the light. There stood her daughter looking as lost as Natalie felt.

"Can't sleep?" Natalie asked her, receiving only a nod in return. She knew that Laney could hear and understand every word that was said to her, yet she rarely spoke. Like John, Laney didn't feel the need to talk if there was nothing to say.

She was so quiet John and Natalie had been worried at first but, after having her tested the doctor concluded that she was fine. And as long as she could get her point across by the nod or shake of her head, she would. When Laney did speak her voice was like a soft whisper. Her laughter was joyful and boisterous, so Natalie knew she had the potential inside her to be as loud as her brothers if she ever needed to someday.

Natalie held out her hand, "well, come here then." Laney paddled across the room in her pink pajamas, her red curls bouncing as she moved. Natalie leaned over the bed to help her climb up. She held her little girl tightly in her arms for a moment before releasing her.

"What's wrong sweetie?" Natalie asked her, even though she knew.

"Daddy," Laney whispered. She looked up at Natalie with her father's blue eyes. Natalie's heart hurt.

"Yeah, Daddy...would you like to sleep with me tonight? On Daddy's pillow?" Natalie hoped Laney would feel secure enough to get some sleep on John's side of the bed. Laney nodded vigorously.

"Ok then, let's get you tucked in with me," Natalie said with a smile and with a brightness she didn't feel, pulling down the covers on his side of the bed. Once Laney was settled, Natalie turned off the light and snuggled in close to her daughter hoping that the closeness would help them both.

Waking in the morning, Natalie found both her and Laney sharing John's pillow and realizing that they had both slept through the night.