Chapter 17

"Well," she said finally, swallowing her tears and swiping what was left off her face and laughed strangely, "that's good news then right?" She wiped her hands down the legs of her pants.

"What?" he asked her confused by where she was going with this.

"Well, you're not stuck here anymore. You wanted more excitement then Llanview was giving you. I guess then that you're working for them now too?" She said screwing the top back on the whiskey bottle, she didn't need any more of that.

"No Natalie, I'm not working for them," he sighed, "listen, there's more-"

"I don't want to hear about your reunion thanks," Natalie yell at him standing abruptly, and turned away from him. She really thought she was going to be sick. The tears she had been holding back came flooding out.

"No. No-nothing like that," he rushed to her placing his arms around her from behind and burying his face in her hair, "sweetheart," he said softly, turning her around to face him and stooping down to look her in the eyes, pushing her hair back so he could see her face, "nothing like that happened I promise. Natalie." He pulled her to him, holding her tightly, he thought about how stupid he was to start out saying that the way he did.

She sobbed into his shoulder, not being able to control it. It took several minutes for her to reign in her emotions but, when she did she pulled out of his arms aggressively and walked, almost stomped to the other side of the room, swiping at her tears.

"Listen I don't want you to think this about my feelings for her, it's not, not really," he said, wincing at how lame that came out.

"Oh really, John, then what the hell is this about? Huh, you've turned our attic into some sort of shrine to her, you've walked out on our marriage, you've walked out on your kids…..how the hell is this not about your feelings? You felt trapped, you felt cheated. You, you, you!" She spun away from him and put her hand to her forehead. God her head hurt, from her injuries or stress she didn't know.

John rubbed a hand over his face in frustration. "Natalie please, just listen for a minute," he pleaded with her. He closed his eyes and struggled to find the right words. "When he first told me, she was alive…..I was so angry," he started. Taking a deep breath, he cleared his throat. This wasn't going well. He didn't expect it to but, the reality of how hurt she was, was crushing him.

"Angry?" she asked confused, "why would you be angry?"

"Why?" he raised is eye brows and chuckled with no humor, "are you kidding? I thought she was dead and I blamed myself. For years, I blamed myself for that. I was the one that taunted Haver, I was the one he was after, she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. If it hadn't been for me, he wouldn't have come to our apartment to begin with. I turned my back on my family, I turned my back on everyone and everything," John started pacing the length of the room, "I lost contact with my brother for years, I wouldn't return my mother's phone calls. Look at the way I treated you when we met. I treated everyone like they were expendable. Because I couldn't get close to anyone." John was getting more agitated as he talked.

"You got close to Evangeline," Natalie mumbled angrily through her teeth, watching him pace.

"Because of you," he mumbled back and sighed, his shoulders slumping.

"What?" she scoffed.

"You made me see that I needed to start living again," He said. She was lost in this conversation.

"Just not with me, right?" It still hurt to think about that time, years ago. He was willing to be in a relationship with that snob but, not her…..because of her.

"I knew Evangeline and I were going to go nowhere. I cared about her, I do still care about her but, I knew that we weren't going to…..grow old together but, it was a start. You know I was messed up about how I felt back then," he was ashamed to say the words out loud. They sounded shallow and just plain wrong.

"John, I don't understand what you're trying to say to me. You just found out that your fiancé was alive. Someone that you loved and cared for….why wouldn't you just tell me?" Natalie asked, feeling that he still didn't trust her, "we promised each other, you promised me, no more secrets. No more lies. You said that, you're the one that started that whole conversation. Remember? After Laney was born…you promised and you made me promise."

"I don't know, I just couldn't. I didn't know how," John said agitatedly, started pacing again, "I was so angry that she let me believe all this time that she was dead, I mean, who does that? She knew that I would blame myself and she stayed silent all these years. When Victor told me he could get me in the back door of that firm-"

"He what?" Natalie interrupted, anger taking over again. John stopped pacing and turned around to face her.

He took a deep breath, "Victor said he could get me a job with the firm and once I was in….I could confront her," John said.

"Victor's dead…..they found his body weeks ago floating in the river…." Her voice trailed off, she narrowed her eyes at him, " and Uncle Bo said you went to Virginia," Natalie said quietly.

"Victor faked his death…and Bo lied for me," John said. Natalie's eyebrows rose with this bit of information.

"So is every person we've ever known to die, actually alive?!" Natalie said with a humorless laugh, none of this was funny .

John shrugged, "we live in Llanview." He said in way of explanation.

"Uncle Bo lied, to me, for you?" Natalie sadly, "you have my uncle lying to me," Natalie couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"I told him….that I had to protect you….and….that is why I left," he said, "that was all he knew. He wanted to keep you safe."

"Protect me?" Natalie shook her head, hoping something would start making sense soon.

"Protect you and the kids….I had to. I couldn't take the chance any of you would be hurt," John said. He stood facing her with his hands on his hips, willing her to listen and understand.

Natalie stared at him for a moment, taking all of this information in and it dawned on her…..

"And Michael knew," she said quietly, it wasn't a question.

"Michael knew," he confirmed, nodding once.

"Michael knew what exactly? You have to protect us from what…exactly?" She asked loudly, getting angry all over again. She felt betrayed by not only John but, Michael and her uncle too.

"Victor said they were watching us, you had to believe that…..I left you," he said cautiously but, he stood his ground and looked her in the eye.

"I had to believe…." She let her voice trail off quietly while she processed this information.

"If they were watching us, they had to believe that I really left you so you wouldn't know anything, they wouldn't come after you if I'd screwed up, and you'd be safe-" he said slowly, knowing how it was going to sound.

"You did this…..on purpose," she whispered, "you put another case in front of us…again." Tears back in her eyes. Natalie felt as though her heart had been ripped from her body.

John could see the disbelief in her face, the betrayal in her eyes. He wasn't surprised, he knew she would feel betrayed by him but, he hadn't prepared himself for how he would feel seeing her this way. He couldn't answer her, he simply nodded again feeling the tears sting his eyes.

"Do you have any idea, what you've done?!," she yelled, gasping in surprise. Her hands flew to her head which she was convinced would explode at any moment.

"I know that I've hurt you sweetheart and-" John started, taking a few steps closer to her.

"Hurt me?! Oh my God!" she yelled, she walked past him pacing the room, "John, you've…you've…..you've broken us! The kids," Natalie could barely breathe, "they are so…..broken, what you've done…how could you just…completely disregard our feelings? My feelings?" Natalie was crying so hard she was close to hyperventilating, she could feel her heart slamming in her chest. John was worried about Natalie passing out. She stopped pacing to brace her hands on the back of the black leather chair.

"Natalie, I'm sorry. I know that you're angry but, you need to sit down for a minute," he told her, he reached out to help her to the couch. Knowing she was still on some pretty strong pain killers, he thought she needed to sit down before she fell.

"No! Don't touch me," she visibly recoiled from his outreached hand. "You did this, knowing what it would do…you promised, promised you would never ever put another case in front of us again," Natalie could hear the pounding in her ears. She felt sick. Trying to get herself under control, Natalie walked around John to the couch slowly and sat down. Tears falling uncontrollably down her face.