Chapter 18

It took her several minutes of deep breaths and sitting still with her eyes closed to get her emotions under control. She was finally able to breathe without taking in big gulps of air and she managed to get the tears under control.

Speaking quietly, spinning her wedding ring, she said, "after you left, Liam kept asking where you were. I didn't know what to tell him you know, I couldn't tell him the truth," Natalie stared at something in front of her as she remembered the look on her little boys face, "I told him….I told him you were working. And eventually you know he figured out that wasn't true. So….I told him you had to go out of town, he didn't believe that either but…." She shrugged, "he stopped asking so…..He's been so angry. Getting into fights at school and picking on Alana. It's just so not him. And Laney….God you know all the kids idolized you, they did but, she.…..she adored you," Natalie swallow hard, trying to stop the fresh tears that fell anyway, "she's stopped eating and she doesn't sleep. She's probably up there right now listening to all of this. And Sean you know he's so small but, he used to be so happy all the time, he never cried, never, he never fussed and now.….he's so fussy all the time now. He cries all the time," Natalie took a deep breath, placing a hand to her forehead and said, "and you did this all…..on purpose." She didn't know which hurt worse the words he'd said that day or what he was telling her now.

John spoke quietly, his heart breaking for his children, "I was trying to keep you safe-"

"Safe?!" She looked at him in surprise.

"Natalie-"

"You need to leave-" she said quickly looking away from him. He needed to leave and she needed to think. How and what was she going to tell the kids? 'Well your dad baled on us for a few months but hey, he's back now so no worries'.

"What?" He wasn't sure he heard her right.

"You need to leave before they get up," she said quickly standing up.

John shook his head, not believing what he was hearing, "I'm not leaving," he said firmly, they weren't done talking about this and he wanted to see his children.

Natalie turned to look at him angrily. "You left, you walked out without discussing any of this with me. What makes you think you have any say in how we handle this with the kids? You're here, you're not here, you're here, they are confused enough. We're not going to add to it by you being here this morning," she turned her back to him crossing the room.

"Your mother already told them I was here, taking care of you. They're going to expect to see me," he tried to reason with her. She kept her back to him.

"Just like when you left before, I'll handle it," she said firmly without turning around. He could hear the fatigue in her voice.

Her words stung and he flinched when he realized she was right. He didn't have any say in how she handled his return. John heard a shuffle and looked towards the stairs. There stood his little girl peaking out around the corner, her big blue eyes full of tears, her thumb in her mouth. Her little pink pajamas and the sunlight spilling in through the window set her red curls on fire.

"Natalie," he said softly, almost pleadingly, never taking his eyes off Laney and her staring right back.

"What?" Natalie responded heaving a sigh and turning around. Seeing John's focus on the stairs, she turned to look in the same directions.

"Damn it," she whispered. Her heart breaking for her little girl. Seeing the look in both their eyes, she knew she couldn't keep them apart. She squeezed her eyes closed, choked back a sob, and heaving a deep sigh, there was no way out of this now.

"Come here, honey," Natalie said mustering the softest voice she could and she held out her hand. John could hear the anguish in her voice. Their daughter came slowly into the room, and walked to her mother's side as Natalie knelt down to her level. She never looked away from her father.

"Can you not sleep?" she asked keeping her voice soft. Laney shook her head, her red curls bouncing along, still not taking her eyes off her father.

Natalie ran a hand threw her daughter's hair. It had gotten so much darker in the last year. It was much more blonde or a strawberry blonde when she was born. Natalie thought maybe she would be a blonde like Jess and Bree but, now Natalie could tell it was going to be an auburn like hers.

Natalie sighed, giving Laney a kiss on the cheek, she whispered, her voice cracking, "Daddy's home." Laney nodded her head 'yes' and stuck her thumb back in her mouth. Natalie had almost broke her of that habit until John disappeared. "You wanna go say hi?" Natalie asked her rubbing her back. Laney nodded again. Natalie tried to smile at her, "well go ahead then."

John knelt down also and held a hand out to his daughter, she was hesitant for only a second , then launched herself at her father. John wrapped his arms around her little body as she wound herself around him as much as she could afraid he would disappear again. He stood with tears falling down his face. Natalie turned away, seeing John cry was too much for her. She could hear him talking to her softly, how much he loved her, how much he missed her.

Natalie had hoped to gain some control over the situation, some time to think and some time to prepare her children. Maybe the truth was she was the one that needed more time to prepare herself for him being here. To come to terms with what he had done to them. Purposefully. Kids were resilient, they bounce back faster than adults. They forgive easier…..

Crying from upstairs got Natalie's attention, she turned to see John sitting on the couch with Laney on his lap looking at her, pleading in his eyes. "Damn it," she muttered again, shaking her head in aggravation as she headed upstairs to get Sean. Looking at her watch she saw that it was no longer the middle of the night but, very early morning. She missed noticing the sun come up. No wonder Laney and Sean were awake.

Once her baby boy saw her he stopped crying but, started frantically reaching for her, like he was afraid she would leave him alone. This anxiety for her was also new since John left. She could hardly leave a room when he was awake or he would get upset. She ran her hand over his dark hair and picked him up.

She pressed her lips to his head, intending only a kiss but, she noticed he felt a little warm. Thinking she was sure it he was only cutting teeth but, quickly taking his temperature anyway. Making a mental note of the temperature and the time. She would check him again later.

Natalie returned to the living room with Sean to see John and Laney talking quietly still on the couch. John looked up as she came further into the room. His youngest son had always been more partial to his mother but, he couldn't help but notice Sean's eyes light up when as they came closer.

"He has a small fever," Natalie said softly, her voice still rough from the yelling and tears earlier.

"Is he ok?" John asked anxiously, reaching his free arm out to indicated they he could hold both kids on his lap at once.

"Uhm…yeah, I think so, it's probably just his teeth," Natalie said, she hesitated before setting Sean in John's arms.

"I'm sorry," John said softly, "I know you wanted me to leave but-"

"It's ok," she said back, "it was more for me I guess, then for them. I just…..need to think before we talk anymore." She turned to stand at the window that over looked their back yard.

"Yeah…and we should talk alone," John said, not being able to take his eyes off his kids.

"Yeah," Natalie replied.

"I'm hungry," Natalie heard a sweet, tiny voice whisper, it made her smile.

"You're hungry?" John said brightly to his daughter. Natalie was sure she wouldn't answer out loud, she would probably just nod and she was right when she heard him say back, "well, we should probably get you something to eat then, huh?" Again she envisioned her daughter nodding.

"Is that alright Mommy?" John said hesitantly addressing Natalie.

Natalie turned to look at her family, tears stinging her eyes, plastering a large fake smile on her face, "of course it is," she replied, "would you like fruit or cereal?" Natalie asked as she walked over to sit on the coffee table facing her husband and her two youngest children.

"Banana," Laney said and Natalie smiled at her.

"Do you want me to take one of them?" She asked, looking John directly in the eye for the first time in hours.

"No, I got them. You shouldn't with your wrist anyway," John said looking back just as intently.

Natalie stood up and led the way into the kitchen. She turned to Sean to buckle him into his chair while John tried to help Laney. She didn't want to be put down. Natalie was sure Laney was afraid her father would disappear again. Laney began to whimper and in the end, John sat with her on his lap while she settled in to eat banana slices and grapes. Natalie had started a pot of coffee and sat down to feed Sean oatmeal when they heard a knock on the door. Natalie sigh wondering who it could be so early.

"It's probably one of our various parents or siblings coming to check on you," John said trying to lighten the mood but, his tone turned serious when he asked, "do you want me to get rid of them?"

Natalie knew that if it were her family, they wouldn't leave so easily, "no I'll just go answer the door. They might never leave if they don't see me," she said as she handed John Sean's spoon and stood up to slide his chair closer to where John and Laney were sitting so John could reach to feed him.

Natalie strolled through the dining room into the living room and swung the front door wide open quickly and said, "come on in. As you can see I am fine-" Natalie had been expecting a family member on the other side of the door not a stranger this early in the morning.

"Can I help you?" She asked the woman, confused. She placed a hand on her hip and stood more squarely in front of the door to block it.

"Hello Natalie, it's nice to see you again, I hope you're feeling better," the woman said cordially with a pleasant smile.

It took a minute but, Natalie finally placed the woman's face, "we've never met." Natalie said flatly, narrowing her eyes and crossing her arms over her chest.

"No we've never met formally but, I've known of you for years. I've….kept tabs you could say," the woman said cryptically.