Chapter 19

"I wonder if your mommy's coming back, it's probably Grandma Viki out there, you think?" John spoke to his kids. Laney nodded vigorously making John laugh. He hoped Liam would wake up soon. He didn't know if Natalie would ask him to leave again or not. She let him stay this long hopefully she would let him stay to see Liam, too. After wiping Laney and Sean's faces and cleaning up the breakfast dishes, he thought he might as well head out there to the living room , 'no sense hiding in here', he thought. Maybe he could take the kids upstairs and help them get dressed.

With Sean on his hip and holding Laney's had John went through the house to the living room.

"Natalie, do you want me to-" John stopped, frozen in place.

Natalie was standing in front of the open door, her arms crossed over her chest. He'd seen it before, it was her defiant stance. Someone or something, had pissed her off, thanking heaven it wasn't him this time, "Natalie, what's wrong?" He said not knowing if he should continue in with the kids.

Natalie looked to her left to see him standing in the doorway of the dining room, she took a deep breath and with one finger swung the door back all the way as John came closer to the door.

The three adults, stood still for a minute staring at each other. Finally the woman spoke, "I heard you were looking for me," she said to John, who started moving forward as she spoke, coming to stand next to Natalie.

"I was," was all he said. They stood for another awkward minute until Natalie turned and gently grabbed Sean out of John's arms and took Laney by the hand and started toward the kitchen again.

"Natalie-" he started nervously, not really sure what he was going to say to her.

"I'm fine," she said without looking back.

John watched her until she was out of sight before turning and staring for another uncomfortable moment before gesturing for the woman to enter their home. She nodded and walking in past him. She turned to face him when she reached the middle of the room. He stared at her hard.

She looked the same but, completely different. Her hair was darker, shorter….her face was older, not that she looked old but, crinkles had appeared at her eyes and around her mouth. When they had been younger she lived in sweats and jeans, now she stood here polished in a black suit and heels. He couldn't stop staring.

"What….what are you doing here?" He asked her regaining his mind and realizing that he was staring.

"I was expecting you at the warehouse," she said with a small smile.

"You knew I was there?" he asked surprised.

"Of course I did, there isn't much about your life I don't know," she smiled sadly and nodding slightly. Her answer only angered him.

"Well that's funny since you didn't want to be a part of it apparently," he said snidely, rubbing his face he walked past her into the room.

"That's not true John. There's so much you don't understand and a lot I can't tell you but, that was never the reason all of this happened," she said in a soft voice. Pleading with him to understand.

"You let me think you were murdered and you let me think it was my fault, what else is there to understand Kaitlin," he passed her to cross the room again. He was worried about Natalie in the other room with the kids. He hoped she was ok.

"Well…what did you want to talk about then? You were the one to come looking for me, what did you want?" Kaitlin said patiently as if talking to a small child, she was aware of how combative John could get when he felt cornered.

"I want to know why. Don't you think I deserve an explanation?" He said angrily.

"You do, you honestly do but, I can't give you one. Only to say that this is the way it has to be. You did just fine…eventually. And the moment I saw Natalie, I knew she was the one for you. To help you get over-"

"What do you mean when you saw Natalie?" He narrowed his eyes at her.

"I saw her long before you were assigned to her case, John. She was meant for you, you just took too damn long to realize it," she scoffed, " I mean…..Evangeline Williamson John really, I always swore if I ever got the chance I would ask you what were you thinking? She is such a snob and a bore. And you let Natalie go for Marty Saybrooke, good Lord, I don't even know what to say about that one. Crazy, loony and psycho all come to mind ."

"I don't really need a review of my love life thanks, and a lot of that happened because of you," he said angrily, pointing a finger at her.

"Me?" She sounded genuinely surprised, "you don't seriously believe that?"

"You being murdered in our bed was my fault, and I couldn't get close to anyone for years because of it. I blamed myself for what happened. I taunted Haver, I goaded him into shooting the both of us. I killed you but, that's the funny part isn't it….you're not dead!" He yelled. John was so angry, he clasped his fist in one hand and started pacing the living room.

"John that was going to happen whether you goaded him or not, he already had it planned out. It just so happened that you gave that press conference when you did, that's all," she said calmly as if it were no big deal.

"And just how did you know?" John placed his hands on his hips defensively, stopping to look at her in surprise.

"My father told me," she said nervously, they were getting into territory she could talk much about, "he had an opportunity to work with the government but, that would have meant that none of us ever saw him again and, you know I was very close to my father. I had already lost my mother and I couldn't live without him in my life," she said.

"So instead of….oh, I don't know maybe just breaking things off with me and disappearing you let me think I killed you?" He said sarcastically, this was really too much, "how was I supposed to know you planned to fake your death? How was I not supposed to blame myself?"

"People had to believe I was dead John, that's how this works. If I had just disappeared, would you honestly have left it alone, or would you have looked for me?" she asked, then added, "much like you getting Natalie to believe you left her, she wouldn't have accepted you 'just leaving' would she? You had to make her believe that you weren't in her life, it's no different."

He looked at this woman that he used to love so much that he turned his back on everyone in his life because he didn't want to lose any of them.

"Except, I lost my family, I pulled away from them. I lost touch with my mother, Kaitlin all because I couldn't let them get close to me…so they didn't end up like you," John was seething with anger over her nonchalance over this feelings. "And that woman in there," he pointed to the other room where Natalie had taken the children, "do you have any idea how much I hurt her….when we first met….." John turned away, letting whatever he was going to say go, rubbing a hand over his face.

Kaitlin smiled, "well, I always knew she was the one for you, always. I loved you John…..I did…..but, we would have never have made it John, we both know that. We were too different. You didn't love me enough. You never would have," she told him.

"Didn't love you enough? I mourned you for years, God do you even hear how this sounds?" He said loudly, starting to lose patience.

"John, when I saw her playing pool for the first time and heard about the plan to use her to get Walker Lawrence, I knew you wouldn't let her get hurt…physically anyways, I know you both went through a lot after," she clasped her hands in front of her waiting for what she knew was the next question.