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It's time for some angst, right?

Chapter 9

She laid her head back on the edge of the tub and closed her eyes, letting out a soft sigh, thinking back to the last night she had seen him. Two weeks earlier she had let him take her like no man ever had and she had liked it. More than she probably should. But she hadn't gone back to him since. Not since she realized that she had fallen in love with him.

"God!"

She slipped into the tub, letting the water close over her face, wishing she could stay under water forever.

She was a damn fool.

It had all started the one night about a month ago when she had gotten a text from him, asking her if they could meet. It had been different this time. Something had been bothering him. He had dark shadows under his eyes, pain radiating off him in waves.

He had taken her rough at first, hammering into her as if he wanted to chase away all thoughts about anything else than plunging into her over and over again. Her muscles had already been protesting as he had swirled her around and pushed her against the wall, thrusting back into her a moment later, his teeth scraping over her neck, his mouth closing over her skin as his hands had slipped between her body and the wall, one grabbing her breast and twirling her nipple, the other finding her clit, his thrusts coming harder and faster until they had completely spiraled out of control.

She should have stopped him the moment he had slowed down. She should have just left. The air had been filled with unspoken words, weighing down on them. He had been hurting. She had felt it with every fiber of her being and she should have listened to strange feeling settling deep in her stomach as he pulled her around again and let his lips ghost over her skin.

But she hadn't. She had let him push her back towards the bed, let him take her away as he had explored her body, every inch of it, until she screamed for mercy, writhing under him, wanting more and more and more. Wanted it hard and rough but he had thrusted into her in an excruciatingly slow pace, his eyes never leaving hers.

He had made love to her that night and she had been so foolish to ignore the feelings he had elicited in her. She had been so foolish and went and fell in love with him.

-/-

An hour later she stepped out of the bathroom, her whole skin wrinkled from being to long in the tub, her head hammering since she had been thinking about her dilemma nonstop.

Suddenly she caught movement out of the corner of her eyes, a wine glass appearing over the edge of the couch and she had to smile despite the situation she was in, walking over to join Graham on the couch.

Graham held the glass towards her and she grabbed it, taking a huge gulp before she collapsed on the couch beside him. She didn't say anything. Didn't know what to tell her best friend but he understood nonetheless. He wouldn't have waited with a glass of wine for her if he didn't suspect something.

She met his gaze for a moment, wondering if she might be able to not talk about it but knew from the expression on his face that she wouldn't get around it.

"Spit it out, Emma."

She was tired, angry with herself, her heart was hurting and she slipped down, laying down beside him, pressing her face against his chest, mumbling into his shirt.

"I am an idiot."

"Do tell." Graham snorted, letting out a shriek as she smacked her hand on his shoulder.

"Hey!" Emma huffed, sudden tears pricking the back of her eyes as Graham's fingers ghosted over her cheek, his gaze full of concern as he watched her, waiting for her to speak.

"I wasn't careful." She whispered, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth.

"What happened?" Graham asked, his brows suddenly furrowing, his hand tightening around her upper arm. "Did he hurt you? I'm gonna beat him to a pulp if he hurt you."

"No." Emma said quickly, pressing a hand against his chest. Graham looked as if he wanted to jump up and rush to find Killian to give him a taste of his fists. She couldn't deny that she wanted to smack him too. But it wasn't Killian's fault that she had fallen in love with him. "He didn't hurt me."

Graham pulled her chin up so that she had to meet his gaze, a soft smile tilting up his mouth as he said. "It's not only sex anymore, I guess."

"No, it isn't." Her throat closed up, one tear slipping down her cheek and she bit her tongue until she tasted blood. She was so angry with herself.

"Then tell him you want more." Graham said softly. "Not every man is like Neal, you know?"

"I know." Emma whispered. "But I'm not gonna fall in that rabbit hole again. I swore myself that I would not make the same mistake again."

"Killian isn't Neal." Graham insisted. "Maybe you should give him a chance."

"He is a stripper, Graham." Emma almost yelled, balling her hand into a fist. She knew she wasn't fair. His job shouldn't be a reason why she didn't want to have a relationship with him but it was. The demons of her past were still haunting her. Even after all those years.

"And?" Graham questioned, raising one eyebrow. "That doesn't mean he is gonna leave you with a ton of unpaid bills and a broken heart."

"God, Graham." She sighed, the anger about her own foolishness bubbling up in her again. "This is insane. I almost told him right after sex. His cock was still shoved up my ass."

"Up your ass?" She cursed inwardly as she heard the surprise in Graham's voice. She shouldn't have let that detail slip out. "If I remember correctly you've never indulged in that kind of kink before, even though I told you you should try it."

"Not the point here."

"Oh, it's so the point." Graham pushed her back, sitting up and pulling her into his arms, his hand running soothingly over her back. "It was bound to happen at one point, Emma. You can't close your heart off forever. Maybe we should finally meet him to see if he is worthy."

"Not gonna happen." Emma mumbled into his shirt, snuggling deeper into his embrace. "I will end it."

-/-

"So, ..." Ryan slumped onto the couch beside him, handing him the beer. "Tell me all the news."

Ryan had been on the road with his band for a few weeks and had showed up at his doorstep tonight to catch up with him.

"Nothing important."

"Come on." Ryan scoffed. "I know that look. How is sex with Emma?"

"None of your business."

"Ah, that good?" Ryan chuckled as Killian threw a pillow at him, his expression suddenly turning serious again as he took a huge sip and leaned back. "How are you doing?"

"I'm just fine." Killian narrowed his eyes as he looked at his best friend. "Why do you ask?"

"Robin called me last Thursday."

"He can't keep his mouth shut, can he?" Killian rolled his eyes, lifting the bottle to his mouth.

"You okay?" Ryan asked quietly and Killian sighed, rubbing one hand over his face.

"Yes, I am. It's never easy to lose a child but Emma ..." He trailed off, the pale face of the five year old boy appearing before his closed eyelids. Death was part of his job but it was especially hard when death took the young ones who still had their whole lives in front of them.

"You went to Emma that night?" Ryan's surprised voice brought him back out of his reverie and he shrugged his shoulders.

"Aye. It helped."

"When are you gonna tell her?"

Killian tilted his head, throwing him a cocky smirk. "Like Robin always says 'They want a stripper they'll get a stripper.'"

"I actually didn't mean you should tell her about your real job. Though I have no idea why you don't let her know that you are on your way to become probably one of the best neurosurgeons this country has ever seen."

"Because I want to know if she would choose me despite my job as a stripper."

"Ah, so you are already in love with her?"

"I'm not ..." Killian paused, his heart suddenly leaping into his throat as he remembered the night the kid had died under his hands, his injuries too severe to keep him alive and all he could think about was getting lost in Emma to numb the pain. He remembered how he had fucked her against the wall. Hard and rough. But then he had needed her in another way, his hands and mouth roaming over her body, making her beg for more as he had lapped at her, fucking her with his tongue and fingers until she had exploded again before he had pushed inside of her, taking her with slow thrusts, making love to her. "Shit."

"You should tell her."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

-/-

He didn't know what had gotten into her. First he hadn't heard from her in two weeks and now she was riding him as if her life depended on it. He was groaning through the scarf in his mouth, his wrists cuffed to the bedposts, his hips bucking into her.

She was driving him insane and he couldn't even tell her to take that bloody cock ring off before he would explode. She was enveloping him tightly, her heat almost scorching and dark spots appeared in front of his eyes as she increased the pace even more, her ass slapping against his stomach.

God, she would break his cock if she wouldn't stop this.

He let out a grunt as she slipped off him, but she didn't leave him hanging for long as she pulled the condom off him, her fingers closing around the cock ring and finally taking it off, his balls clenching as she leaned forward and sucked him into her mouth.

He was so close but then she stopped, reaching for another condom and rolling it down on his throbbing cock, throwing him a wicked grin as she leaned forward and freed his hands, pulling him up and slipping under him.

Her voice was thick with passion as she commanded that he should put his hands back against the headrest and he did, the cuffs binding him to the bed once again, the scarf still biting into the corners of his mouth as she pulled him between her legs.

"Now fuck me, Jones."

His fingers curled around the headrest for support as he slammed into her, her mouth falling open on a silent scream as he fucked her as hard as he could, trying desperately not to lose his control completely as she writhed under him, her hand moving downwards to stimulate her clit while he was taking her with deep thrusts.

"God, Killian." Her body arched from the bed, her nails digging into his skin, her hand brushing over his stomach as she kept rubbing at her clit furiously. "Harder."

His back muscles were aching as he tilted his hips forward to thrust even deeper into her, the cuffs were chafing his skin and he panted around the scarf in his mouth as he plunged into her, again and again, until she screamed his name, her walls clamping around him and pulling him over the edge with her.

His heart was still hammering in his chest as she suddenly pushed him off her and he needed a moment until he realized that she wasn't only panting anymore, his eyes snapping towards her as a sob broke the silence.

She was crying?

He jerked forward, cursing that he couldn't say anything nor touch her since he was still bound to the bed and she didn't even look at him, ignoring the grunts he pressed around the scarf as she jumped from the bed and reached for her clothes. He was yanking at the cuffs but of course they didn't budge one inch and he tilted around to watch her, furiously trying to make her ungag him and free his hands so that he could pull her into his arms and soothe her, find out what she was so upset about because he knew he didn't hurt her physically.

"You are a stripper." She screamed as she swirled around to him, her whole body shaking, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I only wanted to have some good fucks with you. I didn't care what you were doing for a living because all I wanted was your cock inside my cunt. But you made me fall in love with you." His heart skipped a beat as she stared down at him. "God, I hate you because I love you."

She leaned forward, uncuffing one of his hands before throwing the key on the bed beside him and rushing towards the door. He was yanking the scarf out of his mouth, his voice hoarse as he cried. "Emma, wait!"

But she was already out of the door and when he finally got the second cuff open and could go after her she was long gone, her words ringing in his ears as he leaned against the wall, staring at the empty street.

I hate you because I love you.