Chapter 17

His confession had cleared the air and she could see that a huge weight had been lifted off his chest. The way he had clung to her he had probably expected she would push him away, but of course she didn't.

He had a past. It wasn't pretty. But neither was hers.

He had fallen asleep with his head in her lap and she had stayed awake for hours, trailing her fingers through his hair and down his spine, relieved that he finally told her about his brother.

The next day she had been making coffee in the kitchen when he had joined her, scratching awkwardly behind his ear, and she had just walked over to him and hugged him, standing there for quite some time until she had felt him relax in her arms.

-/-

She wanted to tell him about her past, but just delayed the talk over and over again. Because he was happy. Because she was happy. And she wanted it to stay that way.

She was a coward. She knew that. But she just wanted to live in her bubble for a little while longer, before she had to relive the past and bring all the ugly things back to the surface.

Her mouth tilted up as Ian rushed into the room and jumped onto Killian's lap, a loud 'uff' echoing through the room as Killian wrapped his arm around him and swung him up in the air, Ian's giggles making her chuckle.

Killian was getting along splendidly with everyone she loved. All the men in her life actually enjoyed spending time together. She couldn't even count the times anymore when she had come home from work and found all four of them sitting on the couch and the floor, playing a car race, shouting and yelling, shooting good-willed insults back and forth.

But what warmed her heart most was how Killian had no problem with August and Graham's relationship. He just rolled his eyes when they got too carried away with PDA, and she would never forget the shriek when August had once grabbed him and pressed a smack on his lips, telling him he was too cute for words. Killian's face had been priceless and she had taunted him for weeks that he had screamed like a woman seeing a big, hairy spider in the bathtub.

They were spending all their free-time together, and it wasn't easy working around his shifts, but they managed. He had given up the stripping and she had taken his kilt hostage, only getting it out when she wanted him to give her a private show.

The words had been at the tip of her tongue for quiet some time, but she waited for the right moment to tell him how she felt about him. It wasn't that she wasn't sure about her feelings or his. She was. But somehow she couldn't tell him as long as he didn't know the whole truth about her.

-/-

She was standing in the hallway in front of the locker rooms at the hospital, waiting for Killian to come out, her eyes glued to her phone as she was playing Angry Birds to pass the time.

"Emma? Emma Swan?"

She froze, the voice catapulting her back in time, making her stomach churn. That couldn't be. It couldn't be him.

But when she turned her head he saw him. He looked the same like all those years ago, his eyes telling her that he was still on drugs, and she pushed her phone back into her pocket and wrapped her arms around her waist, digging her fingers into her skin.

She didn't want to talk to him. She never wanted to see him again.

"Hey, sweetheart. How are you doing?"

He stepped closer, much too close, but she couldn't move.

"You are still beautiful." His fingers closed around her chin as he tilted her head up, his thumb brushing over her lips as he rasped. "I still miss fucking you, you know? You were always so obedient. Let me do almost everything with you when you were high. How about we pick up where we left off? I'm still eager to fuck your ass, Emma."

His hips rocked forward and she could feel his arousal press against her stomach. Cold anger suddenly rushed through her, and she lifted her hands to his chest and pushed him backwards, her voice silent but ice cold.

"I don't want to see you, Neal. Ever again. Don't talk to me again. Never. Just turn around and leave. Now. Because I swear to God, if you don't leave right now I will call the police and have you arrested."

He cocked his head, eyeing her for a few seconds before he shrugged his shoulders. She was apparently not worth a fight, and relief washed through her.

"You've not been that good of a fuck anyways. I had plenty who've been much better than you were."

She watched him walk around the corner and her knees almost gave out under her as she slumped back against the wall. Her heart still hammered in her chest and her hands were still trembling as the door beside her suddenly opened and Killian stepped out.

"So, have you decided yet? Home or movie?" He asked, throwing his shoulder bag over his head before looking at her. The moment his eyes fell on her he froze, his hand coming up and squeezing her shoulder. "Emma, what's wrong?"

"I ..." She couldn't say anything, the shock of seeing Neal again still having her in its taut grip and Killian just pulled her into his arms, holding her tight until her shaking subsided before murmuring into her ear. "Let's go home, okay?"

She just nodded against his chest, pressing herself against him as close as she could without them falling over each other as they made their way to his car.

The moment they were buckled in and Killian had started the car he reached for her hand, intertwining his fingers with hers. But he didn't say a word, didn't question her, and she was grateful that he gave her the time to calm down.

He drove to his apartment, and she let her head fall back against the head rest and closed her eyes. He had told her Robin and Victor weren't home, and she let out a soft sigh, knowing they would be undisturbed for a few hours.

Enough time to tell him about Neal. It was time. She couldn't keep it in anymore. He deserved to know.

-/-

He sat down behind her on the couch, pulling her between his legs and throwing a blanket over them both, and Emma snuggled into his arms, leaning her head against his shoulder and listening to his heartbeat for a few minutes.

"Can you tell me what happened?" His voice broke the silence and Emma stiffened.

She knew he would ask her, but it still wasn't easy to tell him. She shifted her hand, her fingers splaying out over his chest, her forehead touching his neck. She couldn't look at him while she was telling him. She just couldn't.

"I ... I was in a bad place and vulnerable after Mary Margaret died. David was a mess and I didn't know how I could help him. I met Neal at the wrong time. I would have never even given him a second look before, but I did then. He was a thief and a drug dealer. I shouldn't have touched him with a ten-foot pole but I was drunk, and he swept me off my feet. I slept with him already the first night, and from there on it went only downwards. Drugs, alcohol. "

"How did you get out?"

"Graham." Emma replied, her mouth turning up into a soft smile. "Neal's friends were beating him up. I wasn't supposed to be there, but I stumbled in on them giving him a lesson, and something inside of me snapped when I saw his bloody figure on the floor. I totally freaked, clawed at the men, ripped hairs, slammed my fists into everything I could reach until Neal pulled me off them and sedated me." She gulped hard, remembering the night as if it had been yesterday. "When I woke up I was alone, and I grabbed my things and left. I found out in which hospital Graham was in, and I went to check up on him. He didn't let me leave until I promised him I would come back the next day. We became friends. He got me into a program and stayed with me every step of the way. Never faltered. Never wavered. His friendship was the only anchor I had at that time."

"I'm glad you found a real friend, Emma. I know how important that is." His voice was low, his hand trailing over her hair and she pushed herself up, looking at him for the first time since she started to speak, her eyes asking him a silent question and his mouth quirked up into a smile, his fingers caressing her cheek as he said. "I was where you were. Drugs, alcohol, women. I spiraled out of control after Liam and Milah died."

"Who brought you back?"

"Ryan." He whispered, the smile dropping off his face as he added. "I was about to sell my body to a man when he found me and set my head straight."

"I'm glad he found you in time." Emma told him, lifting her hand, her fingers playing over his scruff.

"Me too."

Emma felt suddenly bone tired and she snuggled back into his embrace, seeking comfort in his warmth and the lazy movement of his hand up and down her spine.

This time she was the one falling in an exhausted sleep with her head on his lap.