You all may get tired of it, but I never will: thank you to Kenzalina (bookdiva) who is kind enough to read over the chapters for me! She is absolutely amazing!

Disclaimer: not mine.

Waking up that morning with a mission, Kensi looked over at her sleeping companion and smiled, noticing his nose was twitching. It does that when I'm happy. She looked at the clock and saw it was barely after 6:00am. She stretched lazily, knowing today was the day she would close one chapter of her life and get started on the next. She knew she had been putting this off, the final pack up and move out of her apartment. She couldn't figure out why exactly, maybe because it was something of hers that no one could take away. A place she could go if something happened to her and Deeks. But she had realized she couldn't live her life with one foot out the door. She wanted to commit – fully - to him, and she would start with this.

She watched him sleep for a few more minutes before getting up and dressing quietly. Before she walked out, she left him a little note on the customary pale blue paper.

Good morning lazy ass. When you finally decide to get up, meet me at my place with coffee and doughnuts. Come without them and there will be hell to pay. Smile Sunshine! - Bad Ass Blye

Pleased with her note, she left, intent on getting this done as soon as possible.

After pulling up to her apartment, she started hauling in all the boxes she and Deeks had gotten a few weeks before. She started on the living room, putting the rest of her books and keepsakes into one box and the rest into the donate box or the trash. Wow, I really do have a lot of stuff. She laughed to herself, knowing that if she told Deeks that he would never let her live it down.

Getting most of the living room done, she turned on the radio and danced her way to the kitchen, determined to get as much done as possible before he got there. Her mom was going to come over after lunch and help pack things over to her new place. She pulled out all of her pots and pans and wondered what she should take with her. Deeks was the one who cooked so she would have to ask him if he needed any of this. She quickly packed up her baking goods and utensils, dish towels, pot holders and the food in her pantry.

She looked around and was pleasantly surprised. The kitchen was now pretty much completed. Satisfied with the progress she was making, her next challenge presented itself. She walked into her room and realized most of her stuff from the bathroom and bedroom were already at his place. She closed the door and headed into her spare room, shaking her head. No wonder I get so much crap about hoarding. Looking at the amount of just, well, crap in here, she knew she was going to have her work cut out for her.

She set up boxes in the hallway, much like she had in the living room, determination shining in her eyes to get rid of at least half of what was in there. But looking at it now, it was daunting. There were more boxes and bags and random piles of nothing than she knew what to do with. Letting out a heavy sigh, she got down to it.

An hour later, she had made a huge dent in the room. Most of the stuff she was either donating or in the trash, and she was feeling better, lighter. She opened the closet door, forgetting what was in there. Her eyes quickly scanned the contents and came to rest on the box on the shelf, the words JACK written on it. She stood there a minute, taking deep breaths.

I should just throw this whole damn box away. There's nothing in there worth keeping. But even as she thought it, her hands were reaching up and pulling it down.

As soon as she opened it, her mind was flooded with memories. How they met, their first date, the proposal, his deployment, PTSD, his leaving on Christmas morning. It was like her memory was playing a reel from a movie, giving her a glimpse into what was.

She picked up a picture she had of the two of them shortly after becoming engaged. She saw how happy they were, ready to take on the world together. Putting it to the side, she pulled out some knick knacks she had saved and ran her fingers over them gingerly. Shaking slightly, she remembered when Jack's mom had given these to him, telling him how they had been passed down from generation to generation. His mom had had cancer, and his eyes had grown misty, knowing the end wasn't long.

Pulling out the three books she had saved for him, she started leafing through the pages when something fell out. Frowning, eyebrows furrowed, she opened the paper.

Sweet Kensi,

I don't know if or when you will find this, but I hope it finds you well. I hope you are happy, because that's all I ever wanted for you. I'm sitting here, watching you sleep, listening to the little snore thing that is uniquely you. And I almost feel normal again. Almost. But I know that will never happen, I will never really be me again. And there is no way I am bringing you down with me. This decision I am making, I am making with a clear head. It's something I have thought a lot about since I've come home, but was never able to actually do. Walking away from you, Kensi, will be the single hardest thing I will ever have to do. Trying to conquer my sickness is a close second.

I need you to know what you have done everything in your power to help me. You did not fail me, Kens. The things that happened over there, what I had to see, it's not something that will ever leave me. I don't think I will ever get past it. Believe me, I've tried. You have gone above and beyond in your unwavering support, and I will be forever grateful. And I thought I was making good headway - that we were going to get past this.

I was out shopping for your Christmas present today. I know I know, I always wait until the last minute. You know how Christmas Eve is, all the last minute shoppers, the craziness. Maybe it wasn't the best idea, but really, I've been doing so good lately that I thought I could do this on my own.

The store I was in had all these little kids running around. One of them bumped into me, causing me to trip. Another man standing next to me grabbed my arm to keep me from falling, but the moment his hand touched me, I was pushed into another time, another place. Not realizing what I was doing, I had him turned and was choking him. I could hear screaming but in my mind, I was in a village, not a shopping mall. The man was gasping for air and I heard a little girl start crying. I don't know what brought me back, but suddenly I looked around and saw what was happening. I let him go and dropped to me knees, completely ashamed of my actions. I apologized profusely, but Kensi, I could have killed him. What if I hadn't snapped out of it? How far would I have gone?

And what if that happened to you, Kens. What if something so minor as your touch causes me to lose sight of me and go back there? Or we have kids one day and I snap? I can't do that. I can't take that risk. Because you are everything to me. The thought of hurting you or our kids makes me sick to my stomach.

I know if I tried to tell you this face to face, I wouldn't be able to walk away. I would stay, believing your words that we would make it through this, watching the light in your eyes grow dimmer each day, until the day it was gone. No baby, I can't – won't – do that to you anymore. I won't ever forgive myself for this, or what happened today at the store, but there is no way I can stay and put you in danger. In a moment of goodness, of selflessness, I am leaving.

I hope you're happy. I hope that you moved on from me, from this. I hope more than anything that what I'm doing doesn't scar you for life. I know what you've been through, and you are the strongest person I know, but also very wary of letting people close.

So smile Kensi. Enjoy life. Know that you did EVERYTHING you could to help me, that this is NOT your fault. Find a man, a good man, and fall in love again. That's what I want for you, more than anything, to be able to live the life I tried and failed to give you. I want to think about you being happy, laughing and eyes sparkling. I love you baby. Go and find your happiness.

Jack

She couldn't tear her eyes away. He had choked a man at the store? Her heart broke again, thinking to the lost look in his eyes when he had come home that night. She knew that something had happened while he was out, but she had no idea it was that. She pulled her knees up to her, clutching the letter and cried, letting out the years of heartache she had been holding onto. She didn't move from her position when she was done, instead reading the letter again.

His leaving had broken her completely, and it had taken her years to find her way back. But now, reading his words, she could see the truth in what he had written. She wasn't the same person when he came home, and while the hurt that his leaving had caused her, she could now understand the why. It was the one part of the puzzle she had never been able to figure out. And now the puzzle was complete.

Kensi was in the spare bedroom when he got there. He looked around as he walked in, noting the packed boxes in the living room and kitchen. Well, at least she's started. He put the requested coffee and doughnuts on the table and realized the only thing he could hear was the radio she had turned on.

"Hey babe, I'm here." He expected her to call out to him, at the very least grunting an acknowledgment, but he received nothing. Deciding to see what was going on, he walked back to the spare room and looked in. And what he saw was nothing that he could have prepared himself for.

Sitting in the middle of the floor, with a box in front her, was his beautiful girlfriend. However, instead of the slightly flustered packrat he had been expecting, she had her knees drawn up, arms folded over the top of them with her head resting on her arms. He cleared his throat, letting her know he was there. He walked over and noticed she was holding a piece of paper in her hand.

Instead of asking what was wrong, he just sat behind her, putting his legs on either side of her, and started rubbing her back. He drew circles with his fingers down her spine, tried massaging the tension out of her shoulders and ended with playing with her hair. He could hear a sniffle every now and then, and he knew she was trying to pull herself together before talking to him.

"I found some boxes in here."

Deeks really wanted to resort to humor right now, but he knew it probably wouldn't be received well. So he just sat there, running his fingers through her hair while he waited for her to continue.

"When Jack left, I packed up a few of his favorite things, just in case he came back. I had uh, forgotten about it. Everything I kept fit into one box." She gestured to the open one in front of her. "It wasn't much, a few books, some knick knacks from his parents. But I remembered how much that stuff meant to him, and I didn't want him to lose it when he came home. At that time, I was convinced that he hadn't left me for good, it was just temporary. He would figure out that I was what he wanted – needed - and he would come home."

As much as Deeks hated talking about Jack, he knew this was something she needed to get off her chest. It wasn't that he was insecure about the subject – he knew that she was in love with him now – but the pain that Jack had bestowed on her and knowing he was a big part of the reason she was so closed off sometimes, well, that's what hurt him. This was a burden she carried alone, not letting him help shoulder it. She had once – in a moment of weakness she called it – told him that she would never fully forgive herself for his leaving. She would always wonder if she could have tried harder. No amount of protests on Deeks part would sway her, and from then on the subject of Jack was carefully avoided.

"I waited in that apartment for six months. This wasn't the first time he had taken off, but he was always back within twenty four hours. After six months, I knew he wasn't coming home. The first week I called his family and friends, all the hospitals within a fifty mile radius, the police. For months afterwards, I did check in's with the local homeless shelters and the VA. Exactly six months later, without hearing a whisper as to where he was, I buried my emotions and decided it was time to move on. I packed up the apartment, found my place now, and moved in. I put the box of Jack's things in the back of the spare bedroom closet and forgotten about."

She leaned back against him, relishing in the feel of his arms wrapping around her. She felt him place a kiss on her head and lean his cheek against her hair.

"So here I was this morning, going through the stuff in here and low and behold, the damn thing was like opening a Pandora's Box of emotions. Everything I had tried to push down and to the back of my mind came back up with a vengeance. As much as I wanted to just throw the box away without opening it, I'm now thankful I did."

"Did you find something?" He was nervous asking it, wondering why she was now glad she'd opened it.

Kensi, for her part, stayed silent for a minute.

"Yeah. I found closure." She turned herself around and straddled his lap. Deeks put his hands on her back, using his fingers to inch her shirt up and began stroking her skin with his thumbs.

She stared at him for a minute, not seeing anything but love and admiration for her. She smiled at him, kissing him deeply, letting her love shine through. He responded in kind, telling her without words that he would be by her side forever.

"Before anything else, if you didn't bring coffee and doughnuts, you need to leave right now and rectify that mistake." Eyebrows raised, she tried to sound stern, but it ended up coming out with a pout.

He laughed at her, wondering at the transformation but happy for it nonetheless.

"Would I risk bodily harm Kensalina? You should know me better than that. I'll give you a hint to its placement – it's on one of the first things we christened here." He smirked at her, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Damn it Deeks. You couldn't just say it was on the table, could you? Had to go and bring that dirty mind of yours into the mix." She tried, really, but the laugh couldn't be stopped.

"My mind is one of the many things you love about me."

"Especially when it's dirty." She kissed him again and jumped up, desperately needing the coffee and sugar fix now.

"I knew it!" He got up and followed her out of the room. As she picked up the coffee, a very satisfied sigh left her.

"So you wanna..."

"No Deeks, I don't think the table needs a repeat performance."

"Whoa there dirty girl. I was going to say start sorting this stuff, but hey, I'm all for some extracurricular activities. I don't think the table would mind at all. And I remember just how well it worked for us last time." He cocked his head to the side, wondering just how far he could push her.

She slowly walked up to him, letting her finger trail down his chest. Well, he wasn't expecting this. He put his hands on her hips, not moving, letting her do what she wanted. She made it down to his belt, letting her fingers play with the buckle, never breaking eye contact.

"Maybe the table isn't such a bad idea after all," she purred, watching his eyes get darker. He was just about to respond when there was a knock on the door.

They jumped apart, both blushing and thanking God that things hadn't gone any further. Kensi was the first to pull it together and opened the door.

"Hey sweetheart," her mom greeted her. "I finished up at the house sooner than I thought, so I decided to come on over and see what else I could help with." She smiled and then noticed the almost guilty looks on their faces."Did I… interrupt something?"

"No, nope, sure didn't. I'm just gonna go, you know, pack something." Deeks couldn't help it. He knew he sounded like an idiot, clearly giving away that she had indeed interrupted something, but hewas completely unable to stop himself.

"Really Deeks? Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you." She smiled, taking the sting out of her words.

"Probably has something to do with my charm, these handsome good looks, the unwavering sense of satisfaction you get when you finally manage to win our war of words – which doesn't happen very often, by the way – the idea that one day, we could pass on our awesome genes to a very lucky litter of mutant ninja assassins."

"Fighting for the side of justice, of course." She couldn't resist.

"Of course. Would you like me to keep going on with the list, or was that reminder enough."

"You forgot one important thing."

"What's that?"

"I love you."

"Touché."

"Touché."

"Kensi, my sweet, you can NOT say touché there. That's not how it works." His voice carried exasperation.

"I think I just did."

"Good Lord. I still have so much to teach you."

Julie just stood there, watching them, amusement playing on her features. She shook her head, laughing.

"Well, I can see one thing's for certain. Neither of you will ever be bored."

"Especially when you live with the jungle cat." These words caused Kensi to spew coffee out of her nose, laughter ringing out.

"I'm not sure I want to know." Julia just watched the two of them, fascinated with the chemistry between them and the way they acted with each other.

"No mom, I don't think you do. Come on, the faster we get this stuff done, the quicker we can get it moved."

"Honey, I don't want to sound rude, but where did all this… stuff come from?"

"See Fern, I told you it was like an episode of Hoarder's in here."

"You wanna sleep on the couch? Because you keep going with this and that's where you'll be tonight." Deeks laughed and put his hands up in surrender.

Kensi pointed out that piles to donate and the ones that she was taking with her. Deeks wasn't going to actually say this to her, but he was impressed with how much she had been able to part with. He had expected a lot more argument and convincing on their part, with Kensi digging her heels in the whole time.

Between the three of them, they sorted the rest of the stuff in the kitchen, Deeks putting a lot of the pots and pans in the donate pile, selecting only a few to keep.

They made it through the rest of the spare bedroom and her bedroom. Kensi donated the books but kept the knick knacks. By 3:00pm, it was done. They loaded the three vehicles with everything Kensi was keeping, and they would call the local thrift stores to come by and pick up the rest. Kensi planned on handing in the keys to her landlord in about a week, giving them enough time to get it cleaned after everything was out.

"So, how does it feel?"

Kensi turned towards her mom, who was pulling a box out her car to carry into their place.

"What?"

"This. Finally moving in with Marty."

"It feels… right." Julia noticed the wistful smile on her daughter's face.

"Then don't ever let it go."

Deeks pulled up and parked.

"I know that look Sugarbear. You're talking about me again, aren't you? I'm irresistible, I know. Don't let her tell you otherwise Julia. If she does, she's lying." He started pulling out boxes too, following the ladies up to the apartment.

He started laughing when he heard Kensi whisper mainly to herself "I swear to God, I'm going to end up killing him."

As soon as they dropped the boxes, he pulled her into his arms and whispered back to her, "No you won't, because you know just how much I love you. And someone has to help you control your impulse buying and junk food habits."

"See Deeks, you started off so well, and then ruined it." She wrapped her arms around his waist, kissing the side of his neck.

"I don't ruin anything. I make it better."

"Not in this case."

"Hey you two, you going to make the mother bring everything in?" Julia called from outside.

"Sorry mom! Come on Deeks, you gotta earn your place in our bed tonight." She ran away from him, laughing. His resounding laugher followed her down the stairs, wrapping around her and making her feel more loved than any other time in her life.

That night, after all the boxes were carried up and the three of them had polished off pizza, the two love birds sat on the couch, feet up, nursing beers and watching Titanic on TV. Deeks had been wondering something all day, and he couldn't help but ask her.

"Hey Kens. What exactly brought you closure today? I mean, if you don't want to tell me, I get it. I just…" He stopped talking when she put her finger to his lips.

"No, it's okay. It's just not something I can actually tell you." He tried to keep a neutral face, but the hurt he felt at her statement hit him hard.

"Yeah, no, I get it."

"No Deeks, you don't get it. I can't tell you. But I can show you." He tilted his head to the side, wondering if it had to do with the paper she was holding earlier.

Kensi reached into her back pocket, pulling out the letter and handing it to him. She turned to TV off and watched as his eyes took in the words. She could tell where he was with it when his eye brows shot up, and he glanced at her, disbelief in his eyes. She just nodded, silently telling him to continue. He kept reading, and let out a heavy sigh when he was done.

"Wow Kens, I don't… I don't really know what to say right now." He held her gaze, grabbing her hand and squeezing.

"I don't really think there is anything to say. Like I told you earlier, it brought closure. Questions were answered, and I can now put it behind me fully. You are my now andmy future, Deeks. That's what I want to focus on. Not what could have been, or what if's, but what will be." She saw his face break out into a smile and leaned forward, taking his face into her hands and kissing him.

He stood up and bent down, scooping her into his arms. She giggled, putting her arm around his neck.

"Well then, come on Bad Ass Blye, show me what the future holds."

AN - well, you know the drill by now. I would LOVE to hear what you thought of it.