Look at Me
This will be in three parts and is a bit AU, but you will understand in the end.
I own nothing. Poop!
Part II
I remember your birth. You were a lovely babe, but the midwife said that a breach child would never amount to much. I was angry at her words. This was my baby brother. How dare she say such things? However, her words stuck with me. You were clever and got into things a babe should not be able to reach. I realized your mind was always working out details, seeing the whole picture. You were so different from me and I didn't understand that difference. I was too young, too sure that my decisions and actions were right and just. I forgot, or didn't know, to take the time to understand you as you were.
As you aged, I didn't realize how much my trust in you slipped. I cared for you. Doted on you. Mothered you, but looking back on it, I think my eyes gave me away. I loved you, but I didn't trust you. I watched your every move and questioned your every action. I pushed and urged you in directions that I thought would be good for you. I mistook the look in your eyes for rebellion. I saw a troublesome brother, but I didn't see you for who you were. I never asked what you wanted and forgot that you had the right to choose. I regret that now.
I created an image of what I thought you were and stopped really seeing you anymore. Then the dragon came and we ran and mother grew sick from the smoke. We were starving and the baby came early. I cared for mother and our new, baby brother and you were too young to work. You stole a purse. In my eyes you were sly, dishonest, and had acted as if you had no morals. I wanted you to to be a good dwarf and not a fast and nimble thief. However, our mother was sick. Ori was premature and I had to care for them all and could not work to buy the food and buy the medications so you did so on your own. I pointed my finger. I yelled at you. I accused you of always having this side of you. I said if this continued you'd never amount to much, but there were no other monies for food and I couldn't turn away what we needed to survive. I see now that the mix messages were confusing. Mother returned to the stone and we mourned. We were all three too young for all of this.
Over time, I found out how good you were at being sly and dishonest. I found out how easy it was for you to forget morals. I was ashamed that a brother of mine would stoop so low. I wanted you to understand me, but what I really wanted more than anything was for you to do the right thing. I realize now that the "right thing" was not an easy thing to decipher. I forgot to sit down with you so we could understand one another. I blindly continued forward deciding that I had all the answers. I was wrong. My eyes were always for Ori and never did you begrudge that. You loved each of us in your odd way, but I realized too late that your love was not odd in the least.
Time marched on and I accused you of being a bad influence on Ori so you left. Ori grieved for days, months, years. I wrote you to tell you that you were missed and so you came back. I hated your hair. I hated your manners. I hated your clothes. I hated your ways. I hated your weapons. I didn't realize that for you, it felt like I hated you. I never did, Little Brother. I've always loved you. It saddens me to know that it was Ori that saw you clearly while I missed what was so obviously there. Our baby brother really saw you. The real you. The one that I wish I had seen sooner. I was a fool.
Things were hard for us in Ered Luin. Work was not plentiful and neither did I make enough for our bills and Ori's apprenticeship. You worked in your trade to get the coins that I owed for debts and paid off the rest of the apprenticeship fees. Again, I called you the bad influence and so you left. Ori and I lost you for years. You became everything I ever accused you of being and traveled the world. Why not? I had set you up without realizing that I had done so. I missed you so much, but concentrated on Ori who was more like me. He, I trusted. You, I should have, but I was lost in my self-righteous pride.
It was not until a knife in your gut that I realized that things had gone too far. I was called to a village not far from Ered Luin saying my brother was dying. Never had I feared for anything so much. You couldn't die. I watched over you as you shivered in agony and raged with fever as I held your hand and tried to offer comfort. You survived. I had never been so happy to see you wake there in the healer's wing. I cried joyful tears. You were too weak to speak, but I carried you all the way home and cared for you carefully. You were my little brother as you once had been, but again my eyes gave me away. Why didn't I look harder, Brother? You were there all along.
I put my foot down and told you that your old ways were done as you healed. I could see the confusion in your eyes and didn't understand at that time. What else did you have to fall back on? You had become what I had decided you would be. Now I know that you hadn't wanted any of this, but you wouldn't have changed the way any of it had happened. Our family would have died and you had no regrets for doing what needed to be done. You were no miner, no true blacksmith, no jeweler, no scribe, no…anything because you felt lost. If you weren't a thief, then what were you? How could I have been so stupid? You needed me and I wasn't there for you.
I decided that Ori needed me more than you did and my focus shifted back to him once you were well. I hurt you. I never meant to, but I just kept hurting you. You tried to straighten out for me though and kept to the shadows. I didn't know that you began slipping hints to the guards. I didn't know that the crime rate dropped because you kept your ears open. One suspected. A guard who gazed at you differently. I noticed that. I did. He was one of noble blood with two axes and wild looks. His name…Dwalin of the House of In. My nagging on you never ceased. I didn't see you. I was the one that you wanted to see you the most and I failed to look properly.
Then Ori signed on for the damn quest and you and I refused to allow him to go alone. The journey was terrible and wonderful and enlightening all in one. We nearly died on several occasions and I realized that several dwarves within our company began to see you differently. I was too involved in Ori and myself to see what they saw. I wish I had looked too. We won back Erebor and fought together in the Battle of Five Armies. I protected Ori's back, but forgot my own. You stepped in.
I caught you as you fell. I finally saw you. I finally looked at you like I looked at Ori. I was shamed. That was all you had ever wanted. You are no longer Nori the black sheep of the family and had never been that dwarf ever. It was me that forced that title upon you. You are Nori the brother who loved his family more than himself and I was a blind fool that didn't see. My tears hit your face as you blink up at me with such peace in your eyes. You are going to Mahal's Halls with no regrets and I have so many that they are choking me, Brother. You are dying with honor and I have none as Ori and I hold you close. I'll remember you as you are now and have ever really been. This is the real you. I love you dearly. I am proud of the brother and dwarf you have become. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Don't leave us. Stay here and allow me to see you more. Don't say goodbye. Please, Nori. Stay, Little Brother. Stay.