Disclaimer: Other than Cam and Kel'an, I own absolutely nothing about Stargate.
Author's Note:
Alright, so it's been a lot longer than I wanted to post something related to Cam and Kel' and TiA. I've been going through a lot of things recently, all of which has severely impacted my writing. The hours that I work have bitten quite a lot into my free time and I'm currently trying to work through some self-esteem issues.
Every time I try and write something, I invariably delete what I've typed or screw up the paper I've written on and lob it at the nearest bin because I think it's so rubbish and not worth reading or writing more. I've had weeks where I've gone without writing anything for TiA, ANP, SGO:CC, Lost and Found & A Wing And A Ninja and it's just made me feel worse and worse about not posting anything.
This is set after Chapter 3 in A New Path. So this is Sheppard/OC. Rated T for mentions of a very mildly sexual theme but if you've read A New Path you already know part of Camilla's back story that this applies to.
I don't expect this one-shot to be universally accepted, so please, keep any flames away - constructive criticism welcome, anything resembling a BBQ, braii or a bonfire will be dowsed with water and deleted as appropriate - and guest reviewers (as always) please give yourself a unique name - guest1, guest2, etc., - so I don't get anyone mixed up.
Pausing in the doorway to her quarters, data–pad held in one hand, Cam stared at the sight that greeted her. The conversation she'd been having with Kel'an came to a halt as both host and symbiote stared at the sight in front of them.
What... by Egeria...? Kel'an muttered.
Cam blinked. I am just as confused as you my friend, she responded.
She blinked again, her eyes moving slightly to look at John. The man was stood in the middle of her quarters, a small table set for two behind him, a pair of covered platters sitting on either side of small vase holding a single red rose.
"What...?" she asked as she took the final step into her quarters, hearing the doors sliding shut behind her.
John quirked a smirk at her then. "Unless the calendar's off, today's Valentine's day," he answered. "Thought I'd treat you after work."
Before Cam or Kel'an could do or say anything, memories surged forwards, stifling Cam's conscious thoughts. Memories of the last Valentine's day she'd prepared for brought a cold sweat out from the female Tok'ra. Drawing in a rasping breath, feeling a ghost–like hand around her throat as a figure stood in front of her, Cam was barely aware of dropping the data–pad as she collapsed on her knees.
She fought the memories, whimpering softly as another figure appeared in front of her, kneeling down in front of her and drawing her shaking body close to theirs. Drawing in a shuddering breath brought John's familiar scent to the woman and Cam gave a soft sob as she relaxed into his gentle grip, just a gentle as the last time he had held her when she'd broken in front of his eyes. It took her minutes, far longer than she wanted, to calm down enough that she could feel Kel'an locking the memories away and returning a semblance of sanity to her.
With his right arm around her shoulders and his left hand at her elbow, Cam let John slowly draw her to her feet and over to her nearby couch. Sitting down with a groan, Cam only relaxed when John sat next to her, pulling her close to his body, his left arm wrapping around her shoulders to hold her close.
"You okay?" the pilot asked her as she let her head fall onto his shoulder.
Relaxing slowly, the female Tok'ra nodded, her nerves gradually easing. "Better now," she told him softly. "Sorry... you saying what today is brought... those memories back."
A pained groan answered her comment. "I sorry," John said and Cam felt him press his face to the crown of her head. "I didn't know."
Cam gently patted his chest, shaking her head. "You wouldn't," she breathed out, her voice shaking slightly as she resolved to tell him the truth. "When Janet Fraiser ran all the tests after that, she confirmed I wasn't pregnant and she buried everything for me... it's all in my file, just very well hidden."
Cam felt John nod, his breath ruffling her hair and brushing her scalp and Cam felt the last of her tension fade, letting her relax fully against John's warm body. "Let me clear all this up," he said, "and we can relax for the night."
When he shifted to get up, Cam pressed a hand against his chest, using a small portion of her symbiote enhanced strength to keep him still as she shifted to look at him. "Why?" she asked with a frown. "You put a great deal of effort into this..."
Looking at him, his hazel eyes focused on her, Cam watched as her boyfriend shook his head, his right hand moving to gently cup her cheek. "Today has bad memories for you," he said softly. "You don't need to this to remind you of it..."
Cam shook her head at him. "Today has bad memories, yes," she agreed, "but it's about time that some of my demons were but to rest." Giving him a smile and knowing it was shaking, Cam took a steadying breath. "And it would be a waste to throw away the food when you've put so much time and thought and effort into tonight."
John looked at her for a moment, his eyes seeming to search for something before he relaxed under her hand, his pulse slowing slightly as he huffed a laugh. Relaxing her strength, Cam smiled as her boyfriend leaned forwards and pressed his forehead gently to hers.
"Only if you're sure," he told her.
Cam just continued to smile. "With you... always."
A-A-A-A-A-A
After spending more than an hour savouring the small meal John Sheppard, Lieutenant Colonel in the Air Force, had managed to get for her, Cam was once more sat on her couch, this time the red rose clutched in her right hand as she relaxed against her boyfriend.
Her boots were lying somewhere in her quarters, the socks tucked inside and Cam had calmly tucked her feet under her legs on her couch when John had sat back down. Sighing contentedly, Cam stretched slightly, feeling Kel'an yawning in her mind and falling asleep in a few seconds.
"That was a very much appreciated meal," she hummed before she sighed. "Much more than appreciated actually now that I think about it."
John chuckled in response, his arm tightening around her shoulders for a moment. "Good to know," he said then, his chuckle still vibrating in Cam's ear. "You okay?"
Giving her own chuckle, Cam nodded against his chest. "Better than," she answered.
A comfortable silence settled over them and Cam felt Kel'an drifting off to sleep in her mind, enough energy stored from the last few months for them to risk her being awake without Kel'an to consciously control her breathing. With her mind silent but for her own thoughts, an idea, a plan, formed and Cam swallowed before she shifted to look at John, sitting up next to him as she stared at him.
With her left hand free, she cupped his right cheek and brushed her thumb gently over his skin. Her sensitive fingertips and callouses caught the slight beard that had grown through the day and the woman felt a slight shiver running through her as she felt it rasp against her skin.
"After everything I've done in my life," she said, "I don't deserve you."
John looked at her, his own hand moving to mirror hers. His touch was light, gentle, careful of her memories and Cam relaxed into his hand easily.
"It should be me saying that," he told her. "I've done lots of things in my life... things that Elizabeth and General O'Neill have rough ideas of... and I'm not sure what I did to ever deserve you."
Cam gave him a gentle smile at that, brushing her thumb again over his skin. "I may not deserve you, John," she breathed. "But you, of everyone, deserve me."
Gathering her courage – and cursing the lack of any 'Dutch Courage' in her system to make things easier – Cam leaned forwards before her courage could fade and she kissed John. Unlike the kisses that had been brushed against his cheek through the weeks or the last one she had brushed quickly against his lips, Cam sought to make this one different. A lingering press of her lips against his gave her hope until she realised his lips were unmoving against hers and she felt her courage fading and her hope turning to ash.
Maybe he didn't want her as she needed to want him and she felt tears stinging in her eyes. As she made to pull back, John responded, his hand moving into her loose hair as he responded to her kiss. In seconds his kiss was hungry and Cam responded eagerly, thankful that this kiss – unlike the one that had started their relationship – didn't awaken any memories she wanted to keep buried.
Relaxing into John, kissing him, Cam wrapped her arms loosely around his shoulders, letting her left hand drift from his cheek. Giving a soft moan when he shifted their positions, Cam was vaguely aware of the fact that she was straddling his lap, her knees on either side of his hips as his left hand drifted to her hip. Continuing to kiss him, ignoring her need for air, Cam let her hands drift into John's wayward, untamed hair, her nails scraping lightly against his scalp. John groaned into her mouth, pulling back almost reluctantly and breaking their kiss as he pressed back into her hands.
"Mai'tac!" he panted, drawing a quiet giggle from Cam at his inadvertent Goa'uld. "Not that I didn't enjoy that... but where did that come from?"
Repeating her previous gesture, feeling her nails running against his skin, Cam heard John groan and she pressed a quick kiss to his mouth again, confidant now that her memories were safe. "It was time for that demon to be buried," she answered. "And it was by far the best way to thank you for today... for this..."
John gave her a lopsided smirk at that. "Don't suppose you'd mind more of these kinds of meals would you, if this is what I get in return?" he asked, his tone teasing.
Looking into his eyes, Cam saw the slight vulnerability there. John desperately wanted to love her like a normal person, but he understood and knew that both as a Tok'ra and with her past experiences, normal was the last thing she needed. The pilot doing this for her was a close as he could get to treating her like he thought she deserved without worrying about breaking her like he'd done before. Smiling at him in a way she hoped settled his nerves and soothed him, she leaned her forehead against his, letting her nose brush along his as she chuckled softly.
"You would get no arguments from me or Kel'," she responded. "You might, however, get some from whoever you asked to help you this time."
John just smirked at her. "Worth it."
Then he froze and Cam saw the realisation dawning on his face as he realised what position they had both settled into. With both of his hands settled on her hips, Cam fully expected the memories to attack her and she held her breath, waiting those few seconds before she relaxed, feeling only a slight shiver of apprehension.
Even with that slight shiver though, Cam didn't feel the need to move from her position straddling her boyfriend's hips and she relaxed slightly. "I can move if you want me to, John," she offered.
His grip on her hips stopped her from moving. "Want you to stay if it's what you want," he responded, looking at her.
Relaxing further against him, she smiled. "I told you, you help me, John," she told him softly. "And this is the proof."
"I say it again, what did I do to deserve you?"
"You were born, John. That's all you ever had to do."
I've had this little one-shot written since before Valentine's Day, but... well, self-esteem issue reared it's head around then. Without realising it at the time and looking back now on what I've had stored on my hard drive, Camilla's mirroring how I feel sometimes (something completely unintentional I hasten to add!). She's trying to live life as this strong woman, trying to show the world that she can handle everything that it can throw at her, but really, she's human and she can't take it all and her memories open up when she doesn't want them to, reminding her just when she's not able to block them.
I've never been through half of the things that Camilla's been through – and dear Lord I hope I never do! – but I see parts of myself in her: I was bullied for the majority of my school-life giving me some serious trust issues that even 6 years after my last days at school I'm still struggling to put to rest, Cam's been through something infinitely worse than my sorry self, but she's got almost the exact same issues as me – the ability to trust anyone just enough to let them become her friend. It seems that because of this issue – mainly – that my self-esteem currently seems to be using a pickaxe to dig below rock bottom and head lower while using my failed pieces of writing as tinder for the lighting it needs.
I've been super reluctant in posting this, so I'm biting the bullet and hitting go. *swallows*