KIRK

James Tiberius Kirk sat on his throne dropping a Captain's Log when the voice of Spock came over the loudspeaker. "Captain, another ship has entered the sector."

"Designation?"

"NCC-1701 USS Enterprise."

"What the fuck?" asked Kirk, pinching off his log.

"We are attempting to make contact. Coincidentally, it looks like a more modern version of our own Enterprise. I theorize that this may perhaps be a -"

"OMG just shut up already. I don't want to hear your big Vulcan words. Toilet, flush," Kirk commanded and the toilet flushed. Kirk stood up and put his pants back on, forgetting to wipe his ass. He did that sometimes. People noticed, but they never told him about the stench so he really had no idea. It's like when you have BO and everyone smells it except you. Actually I guess that's exactly what it is.

Kirk stepped from the elevator and onto the bridge of the Enterprise and everyone on the bridge smelled Kirk's ass all of a sudden. "Hail them," he instructed. The Russian guy hailed the other Enterprise while Kirk sat down in his seat. He spoke. "This is James T. Kirk with the Starship Enterprise. Who are you and where are you from?"

"This is James T. Kirk with the Starship Enterprise," came the response. There wasn't a video chat for this because the author didn't really feel like describing what they're doing and saying at the same time so he decided just to focus on dialogue. "Look, if you had seen our two most recent movies, you'd know there's this whole alternate timeline going on. I'm the dude from that Tom Clancy movie and from that one trucker movie, Spock is Sylar from Heroes, George Takei is that dude from Harold and Kumar, Uhura is the chick from Avatar and Guardians of the G-"

"Yeah, okay, so what are you doing here, alternate-Kirk?"

"We got a report that the Death Star was coming to capture Han Solo."

"That's ludicrous!"

"No," came newer-Kirk's response. "This is Ludicrous," and rap music began to play from his side of the comm.

"That's Ludacris you fucking dumbass," was older-Kirk's response. "That's it!" he exclaimed angrily. Spock made a note of how illogical it was to become emotional over something so trivial.

He took out his iPhone and went to the commlink app and closed the conversation. Then he opened up the "Battle" app and began the red alert for all hands on deck.

"Captain, this is not logical," said Spock.

"Don't give me logical you green-blooded hobgoblin!"

Suddenly Bones ran in and said, "that's my line you asshole!"

George Takei raised the shields and the two Enterprises started to fight.