DARK HELMET

Dark Helmet and Colonel Sandurz were watching Red Dwarf onboard the Spaceball One. They upgraded the VHS from their movie to a DVD player recently and they bought the entire series of Red Dwarf on sale at Fry's Electronics last year during Black Friday (or Green Friday if you work at Best Buy, which I think is a pretty arrogant thing to name it – it's pretty obvious you're going to be making green on Black Friday (or is it Green Friday?)).

Dark Helmet's favorite character was Lister. I have to agree with him, although sometimes Kryten is my favorite. It's hard to decide sometimes. Fortunately there are two characters to write for, so Colonel Sandurz's favorite character was Kryten.

They were standing up watching Red Dwarf when Dark Helmet had to sneeze. Colonel Sandurz started laughing his ass off because of something Kryten said to Rimmer, and the crazy face The Cat made when he said it. "No!" shouted Dark Helmet. "I missed it when I sneezed! What did he say?"
"Sir," said Colonel Sandurz, standing at attention. "It would be much funnier if you heard them say it rather than me. Shall I rewind the tape sir?"

"Prepare to rewind!" ordered Dark Helmet.

"Preparing to rewind!"

"Rewind!"

Colonel Sandurz pressed the rewind button, but since he was new to DVD players, rather than rewinding a few frames of the show, he accidentally rewound the entire story.

Han Solo shot C-3PO in his annoying robot face with his DL-44 blaster. Then he shot him in his gay robot chest twice. Finally he blasted the droid where his wiener would be if he wasn't a robot. He killed him because C-3PO is the most fucking annoying character in the entire Star Wars universe.

Han was wearing a white space-tunic below a brown leather speeder jacket that he won from a Howard Stern radio contest when he was 19 years old (he won it by sticking his wiener in a toaster for thirty seconds live on the air). He was also wearing his blue trousers with the stereotypical Corellian Blood Stripe and some black boots that he found on sale at the Gap last week. He smelled like bantha poodoo because the hot water heater hadn't worked on the Millennium Falcon since The Black Guy From Star Wars hosted a disco party and the fog machine had set off the fire sprinklers. Without hot water, Han Solo refused to shower.

"-such a smeghead!" Dark Helmet was saying. "Wait! Stop there! I think you've got it!"

Colonel Sandurz turned to look at the camera, observing that he was moving in real-time on the DVD as well. "Oh, good!"

Red Dwarf started playing again and Dark Helmet realized something...

… walking to the starboard windows, Dark Helmet looked outside to see the Starbug. "We've got them!" He said, lowering the tone of his voice to its more dramatic presentation, and likewise lowering the visor of his oversized helmet. "Prepare to capture that ship! I want to force the crew of Red Dwarf to preform a live stage show for us!"

"Preparing to capture it, sir!"

"Capture it!"

CLIFFHANGER, LOL