DASH RENDAR

Dash Rendar was chilling out, maxin', relaxin' all cool onboard the Outrider. It was a YT-2100 model, a much newer version than Han Solo's YT-1700. Actually now that I think about it, isn't it kind of crazy that the Millennium Falcon is a YT-1700 while the Enterprise is an NCC-1701? Maybe Star Trek was like, "fuck you our ship is better by one model." That would be kind of cool if that's what happened. But I think Star Trek came first, though. So pretty much George Lucas tried to plagiarize, or...?

Dash Rendar had his feet on the console and was jamming out to some Quiet Riot and playing Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire on his Nintendo 64 while the Outrider hurtled through hyperspace. He had just finished questing on Voss and was en route to the fleet to spend some commendations and argue with the trolls. He had made sure to take his rakghoul vaccine so that nobody would try and troll him while he was browsing the GTN for mod upgrades.

Suddenly the communicator started to beep. It was beeping to the beat of Quiet Riot, though, so Dash didn't really notice until the call had gone to voice mail. He checked the voice mail.

"-being attacked by-and something about Vulcans- who the fuck is Brandon Herrington-" It was the voice of Han Solo. Man he hated Han. Long ago, Dash had been all hot for Mark Hammil but he was still in the closet and was too scared to approach Mark Hammil about it. Han was Dash's best friend at the time and even though Han made a lot of gay jokes, Dash didn't really mind. One time he told Dash he would like to suck a cock just to see what it was like and Han's response was, "ggaaaaAAAAAYYYYY!" Mark Hammil became really close with Han, so Dash started to suspect they were buttfucking.

The voicemail continued. "-Sebulba-sector, uh, hold on let me scroll up...22-B8-" If you can't tell, the transmission is really broken up.

Dash sat up. 22-B8? He thought to himself. That's the sector where I was supposed to meet with those smugglers to make the deal with. Aw, shit. He punched in new hyperspace coordinates and the Outrider continued to hurtle through space. Dash Rendar stood up and walked into his ship toward the armory. He was wearing a tight-fitting muscle shirt. It was purple and it had a My Little Pony logo on the left shoulder. He also wore really tight-fitting jean shorts and flip flops. His hair was immaculate. He had dyed it blonde during the early 2000s when he got really big into Nickelback and it was still blonde to this day because of his crush on Mark Hammil. His nails were painted with a baby blue color and had glitter on them, because it's summer and after memorial day so bright colors are "in" right now.

He entered the armory and strapped on his gun belt. He put DL-44 blaster pistols into holsters on either side of his hips. He took a blaster rifle (lol too lazy to remember what the model is called or to look it up on wookiepedia) and strapped it to his back. Then he took some wrist darts and put them on his wrists as well. Also beneath his wrists he put some hidden blades, because he had just beaten Assassin's Creed 2 on Xbox 360 and was really into that right now. Then on his ankle he strapped a bayonet. He also did that for his other ankle, but he was wearing flip-flops so it looked kind of dumb. Then he put on his Cyclops visor so he could shoot lasers out of his eyes. He looked at his Vin Diesel poster on the wall and his wiener got hard so he rubbed one out real fast. He let it spill on the floor. It was pretty well-known in the galaxy why the floors of the Outrider were so sticky. Dash Rendar was a compulsive masturbator like that one guy on Sons of Anarchy. Dash Rendar then took a katana from the armory and strapped that on his back next to the blaster rifle. Then he took his glock and strapped that behind his waistband.

As Dash Rendar entered the flight deck once more, he pulled the Outrider out of hyperspace. What he saw was ludicrous. The thought of that made him consider putting on some Ludacris, but he was really into jamming to Quiet Riot today otherwise he would have. It's like when you don't listen to a band for a couple years, then one day you hear them and you get really into them all over again – he was doing that with Quiet Riot right now. Plus they're kind of Def Leppard-ish which helps me passively compare him to Han Solo without having to actually point it out. Which I guess I did now. Damn.

Two bigass ships, both designated NCC-1701 USS Enterprise were having a space battle. One Enterprise launched photons at the other Enterprise. The Enterprise dodged to starboard and responded with phasers. The phasers struck the Enterprise's shields and Enterprise turned to expose its port side, where its shields were stronger, answering back with a salvo of its own phasers. Those phasers hit the Enterprise.

Dash noticed the Falcon a little ways to his left (I forgot if left is port or starboard lol). Dash hailed the Falcon. The response came immediately. "Photograaaaaph! I don't want your, photograaaaph! I don't need your, photograaaaph! All I – Sorry," Han Solo turned down the Def Leppard.

Dash Rendar really fucking hated Def Leppard. He considered himself a bandwagoner, just like this one time my buddy was at his mom's house and his brothers were there. My buddy was really into the Houston Rockets. He still is. Anyway his two brothers liked some other basketball team more and when their team lost the playoffs my buddy was like "Well I still have the Rockets" and his brother said "you're a fucking bandwagoner!" Even though he obviously wasn't. Not only had he liked the Rockets before they started doing badass, but it makes sense for him to be a Rockets fan considering he lives like ten minutes away from the Toyota Center where they play their home games.

"Han, what the blast is going on here?"

"It's like shooting Mon Cals in a fish bowl!" came his arch-rival's response.

Suddenly, space before him flashed and another bigass ship entered subspace. It was designated the NCC-1701 USS Enterprise. If Dash had to guess, he would say that this new Enterprise looked to be out of the late 80s and early 90s. The hailing frequency beeped. "Hold on, Han, I'm getting a call on Skype." Dash answered his Skype call, but he didn't know how to use Skype all that well so he actually added the Enterprise to the current call.

"This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise. Two whom am I speaking?"

"Wait," said Dash. "Did you just say 'two'?"

"Just drop it," Han sighed.

Before the Enterprise could respond, it was hit with a photon torpedo from the Enterprise. Picard dropped the Skype call which made Dash and Han lose their call, too, since Dash somehow accidentally made Picard the leader of the Skype call so Dash had to call Han back on Skype. Except I don't really know what to make them say to each other anymore so I'm just going to make them fight.

The Enterprise turned and entered the fray of Enterprise vs Enterprise vs Enterprise. To help paint a clearer picture, the Enterprise was mostly unharmed, while the Enterprise had lost its shields but hadn't taken too much damage, but the Enterprise had lost its shields early on and was taking some hull damage. Decks 17 and 24 were all but lost at this point.

Suddenly, Space turned to plaid! The biggest ship ever made dropped out of hyper-plaid-space behind possibly one of the smallest ships ever made – it was hardly larger than an escape pod. Space went back to not being plaid. The ships were designated Starbug, the smaller one, and Spaceball One, the large one. It had a bumper sticker on the back that said "WE BREAK FOR NOBODY". Dash thought that was kind of funny and chuckled to himself, because he could just picture how funny it would be if it was in an opening scene to a movie since the ship's so fucking huge it would just be the one ship flying past the screen for like, two or three minutes, then finally you get to the back of it and you see the bumper sticker.

Spaceball One opened fire on Starbug. Starbug, since it's piloted by a cat, a hologram, a clumsy robot and an idiotic human, accidentally opened fire on the Outrider rather than on Spaceball One. Dash saw this confusion as his chance to finally eliminate his arch-rival and his annoying wookie heterosexual life partner, so he opened fire on the Falcon.

The Enterprise, the Enterprise, the Enterprise, Spaceball One, the Starbug, the Millennium Falcon and the Outrider all engaged each other in open warfare while the author stood up to take a piss and think on who to write the next chapter about.

Brb

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