COMMANDER SHEPARD

Alliance Military had observed hyperspace disturbances in sector 12345 (the kind of number only an idiot would put on their luggage) and had determined it was possibly smugglers or arms dealers making some kind of illegal transaction. They dispatched the Normandy SR-2 due to its combat and stealth capabilities. Oh yeah and Alliance Military and Imperial Intelligence work on different nav-charts so even though Grand Moff Tarkin said it was in sector 22-B8, to Alliance Command it's sector 12345.

"Seth Green," Shepard said as s/he stepped onto the flight deck. Seth Green was the pilot of the Normandy but in the game he's crippled, so he can't walk, except for that part in Mass Effect 2 where you have to walk from the front of the ship to the back as Seth Green while the Collectors abduct the crew. There's that one part where if you walk out of the stairwell too early you get caught and have to start over which is annoying because he's a cripple and he walks so fucking slow.

"Oh, hey Commander," Seth said as he looked at the console while the ship hurtled through sub-space. The Normandy didn't have a hyperdrive. In Mass Effect they don't have hyperdrives like in Star Trek and Star Wars (lol Star Wars fans are going to be madbro that I put Star Trek first in that sentence) but instead have to use "Mass Relays" which are like HOV lanes that do the hyperspace part for you. "We're about to hit the Mass Relay."

"Good," said Shepard in either a man or a woman's voice. Since Shepard's gender relies on player choice, I'm not going to be arrogant and force the reader to see Shepard as one or the other. So just pick a gender and go with it, lil bitch. Put me on blast on MTV.

I just stopped writing for a couple hours to watch Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit. I thought it was pretty good. I really like Tom Clancy's writing, though, so that helped play a factor in my liking it. BTW Chris Pine plays Jack Ryan (he's like the 4th or 5th person to play him now) and he also plays New-Alternate-Timeline-Captain-Kirk so this is pretty much relevant to the story. Don't give me shit about it. Now where was I? Oh yeah Mass Effect, thanks for reminding me.

The ship suddenly rocked in space and alarms began to ring. It had been five hours since the paragraph that took place two paragraphs ago. Everyone strapped into their stations. "Report," Shepard said from the command console aft of the flight deck.

"We've got hostiles!" said Seth Green. That's also a Half-Life easter egg, just FYI.

"Gunners, to stations!" Shepard ordered redundantly, because as I just said a second ago, everyone was at their stations. Kelly Chambers, Shepard's attendant stood beside him. Shepard looked at her tits. Man, she was a fucking babe. She had light ashburn hair, the face of a doll, striking blue eyes. She used to wear standard alliance fatigues, but as her commanding officer, Shepard had ordered her a new wardrobe so she was wearing sky high platforms, a super tiny miniskirt and a corset that cut off just below her tits, and nothing beneath the corset so that her tits were hanging free for everyone – especially Shepard – to see. They were pretty great tits. Shepard reached out and squeezed one. That might be gay if you're picturing your Shepard as a woman. But there's nothing wrong with it if it's gay. Lesbos are pretty sweet. If your Shepard is a man then his dick got erect from groping her tit.

Shepard used his/her free hand to pull up a tactical map of the Normandy. What Shepard saw was astonishing! Shepard immediately recognized the starships Enterprise from growing up on earth (since this Shepard chose their background as an earthling during character creation), but to see three of them at once was mind-boggling. Shepard was even more amazed to see them fighting each other, as well as two raggedy old ships, a tiny mining vessel, and the biggest ship he'd ever seen with a giant bumper sticker on the back of it.

"Brace for impact!" came Seth Green's call over the loudspeaker. The Normandy rocked again as it took fire from starboard. Shepard looked at the map to identify the attacker. It was the starship Enterprise.

"I'm Commander Shepard," Shepard said into the comm to anyone that could be listening. "You're a fucking dumbass for attacking us. We've defeated Saren, the Collectors, and the Reapers" (at least I'm guessing they defeated the Reapers. I never actually finished Mass Effect 3. It keeps freezing on me at a certain point). "If you continue to fire, we'll be forced to annihilate you!"

Shepard still had their hand on Chambers' tit. It was really soft. Like jell-o. Shepard squeezed her tit and she giggled again.

Just then a voice crackled over the comm. "Did someone call for backup?" A Winnebago came screaming through space (it was covered in plaid) and flew right past the Normandy.

"Lone Starr!" Shepard said. "And Barf! You're thirty minutes late! I get half off!" Lone Starr and Barf were making a living with their small intergalactic pizza delivery company now that they had defeated Pizza The Hut during the movie Spaceballs (1989). Shepard ordered from them three times a week. His favorite pizza was grilled chicken and pinapples with extra cheese and light on the sauce. Sometimes he got it with stuffed crust if he had an extra couple of bucks.

"Sorry about that!" said Uncle Buck from the Winnebago. "We just can't stop helping ourselves to the pie!"

"Why the fuck are we talking about pizza while we're under attack?!" Shepard demanded, squeezing Kelly Chambers' tit again. Shepard's hand is pretty much going to be on her tit for this whole chapter, if you haven't noticed.

The Normandy turned hard to port and opened fire with its beam thing on the Enterprise. Normandy was in stealth mode so it was really hard to hit, in case you were wondering why it hadn't been blown up yet. But since the Enterprise is from Star Trek and they're used to fighting Klingons' Birds of Prey, who are usually cloaked, the Enterprise is pretty good at anti-stealth stuff. At least I guess. I would have heard about it by now if the Enterprise blew up to Klingons. I mean it was like twenty years ago.

The Winnebago had raided before with its guild, so it knew about focus firing. Shepard reached out with their free hand and marked the Enterprise on the 3d star map and put a raid marker over the Enterprise. It was the purple diamond, so the Winnebago tried to CC it but it didn't work because the Normandy shot it and took it out of CC by mistake. Also, since it got CC'ed, the Enterprise was back to full hull and shield integrity.

Out of nowhere, a song started to blare outside in space loud enough for everyone to hear it...

It was Hooked On A Feeling.