DRAX THE DESTROYER
"I do not understand how one can be 'hooked on a feeling'," Drax said to Star-Lord as the Milano screamed into subspace blaring some classic 80s tunes. I've seen Guardians of the Galaxy twice. "Feelings are not material and there is no way to attach a hook to them."
"It's a metaphor!" Star-Lord said for the 3,000,000th time. He had to say "It's a metaphor" almost as often as Groot said "I am Groot." Except for that time when Groot said "We are Groot." I thought that was kind of dumb, actually. I mean if he's going to say something different for the first time, don't do it in the first movie. Because it's a Marvel movie so you know there will be like 5 sequels. It would have been more meaningful if he broke his vocabulary later in the series rather than early on because now when he does it again it won't be so meaningful. It's like when Silent Bob talks at the end of the movie and it turns out he's really intelligent and stuff – he should have done it every other movie or something, not every movie because now it's expected that he's going to talk at the end of the movie! Although to be fair, in Clerks 2 he kind of made that observation when he made Silent Bob say "... I've got nothing." Anyway.
"We've got to make that deal with Dash Rendar," Zoe Saldana With Green Skin snapped at Star-Lord and Drax, tired of their arguing all the time. She was the woman on the team, so she had to be stereotypically bitchy and pushy. Also she didn't have a whole lot of energy to deal with Drax and Star-Lord arguing with each other since she was also on one of the Enterprises as Uhura. Just go with it, man. After I typed "Just go with it, man." I broke for a new paragraph and then re-read what I wrote because something seemed off about it, but I realized I talk kind of similar to Star-Lord sometimes. So I should give Star-Lord more dialogue. It seems like he would cum more naturally to me.
Rocket Raccoon broke in and said something, so that way I could remind the reader that I hadn't forgotten he was present, and then Groot responded with "I am Groot." and Rocket Raccoon responded in a complete sentence so that we would know what Groot had actually said.
"Star-Lord!" Zoe Saldana With Green Skin said, pointing outside the flight canopy at the ships before them. It was a massacre. Three huge, identical ships (although two of them looked more modern than the other, and one in particular looked the most modern) were fighting, a really bigass ship with a bigass bumper sticker, a tiny ship, two normal sized ships and a sleek looking stealth ship.
"This is going to get rough!" Star-Lord screamed as he took the ship into evasive maneuvers (AKA he dodged this way and that all suddenly and stuff). Rocket Raccoon went flying into the back of the ship because he didn't have a seatbelt on. Drax the Destroyer did have one on, because I noticed he usually does. He seems very safety-oriented when he's on a ship. Zoe Saldana With Green Skin didn't have one on but she was standing next to Star-Lord so she just held on to the top of his seat. Groot is a tree so he just stood there. The Milano swerved skillfully in and out of laser/photon/phaser/beam/pizza and fired back with their own...
…. um ….
Actually it occurs to me that I never really saw the Milano shoot anything other than bullets, so uh,
The Milano shot back with bullets.
But they did nothing to the other ships because the other ships had kinetic shields. And also really thick hulls. Cuz they're used to lasers not bullets. Bullets actually seem like a really dumb idea for this story.
You know what fuck it.
The Guardians of the Galaxy aren't in the story anymore.
Spaceball One shot them with a laser and since the Milano doesn't have any shields it blew up and everyone onboard died. Rocket Raccoon should have been inventing lasers or shields not missiles. Missiles already existed. Why did he just invent a smaller missile. That seems like a waste of time when he could have been making something that would actually save his life if anyone ever included him in a fan fiction.