MARK HAMMIL

Mark Hammil was laying on his back in Mara Jade's bed reading a GQ Magazine (that is, Galactic Queers Magazine). He had just (brb got to poop lol)

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They say writing is inspired by real life, right?

Suddenly Mark Hammil felt a disturbance in the force. He threw the magazine down and quickly hurried to the bathroom. He used the Force to pull his khaki cargo shorts down and jumped on the toilet as quickly as possible. A torrent of diarrhea and corn streamed from his asshole. The constant stream lasted for forty-five seconds until it finally started to lighten up, and after about a minute it was over. Mark Hammil was breathing hard and sweating heavily. "Good grief," he whined, "Dash really packed that in hard last night!"

Just then, he heard the door to Mara's apartment slide open. Oh no! He whined to himself, she's going to smell my poo and not want to have sex with me! How will I prove I'm not gay if she stops having sex! He quickly flushed the toilet and used the Force to make the bad smell go away. He made it smell like potpourri instead.

He quickly wiped his ass and put his shorts back on and left without washing his hands.

But it wasn't Mara Jade standing in the apartment.

It was Lord Gold Starcaller. Lord Gold was a pale-skinned, pureblooded Sith. He had tendrils hanging from his face and folds in his cheeks, such as those his race are accustomed to. He was wearing medium strength gear for level 50, but a couple of his pieces were still level 49 because he unsubbed after hitting 50 and never really got into end-game content. His armor looked pretty sweet. He was holding a leash which attached to a collar on Jaesa Williams' neck – she was wearing Princess Leia slave armor. Behind him was Malavai Quinn, an officer of Imperial Intelligence and he was dressed in a v-neck sweater, khaki pants, some wingtips and he smelled lightly of a fruit salad. (Get it? He's gay. He smells like a fruitcake).

Mark Hammil used the force to summon his lightsaber from the bed and activated it, its green blade screaming to life with a snap-hiss. Lord Gold Starcaller drew both of his sabers in an impressive flourish, their purple blades lighting the room with their glow. Jaesa Williams drew her double-bladed saber; it was red like Darth Maul's. Malavai Quinn drew his blaster because he's a dumbass lol. They started to fight.

"I want this Jedi alive!" was Lord Gold's command to his slave and boyfriend.

"I ain't gotta tell you, Lord Gold," was the slave bitch's response.

The fight was pretty badass. Pretty much if you imagine a whole bunch of lightsabers swinging around, that's what it's like. There's hums and hisses while they cut through the air and clash – every now and then Malavai Quinn will shoot at Mark Hammil but Mark Hammil just blocks them.

Eventually, Mark Hammil blocked one of the shots and redirected it at Malavai Quinn's chest, hitting him right in the v-neck. The laser blast singed through the microfiber and through his skin and bone and got him right in the heart. Lord Gold didn't really care, though, SPOILERS: Malavai betrayed him on Hoth, so fuck that guy (trust me, Lord Gold definitely fucked that guy). Still, though, it kind of sucked having his boyfriend die, so Lord Gold Starcaller got pretty pissed off. He would have gotten all aggressive and struck back tenfold but he forgot to spec his talent points after the latest patch and didn't have any really good passives or moves he could use, so he tugged on Jaesa William's leash and forced her to face Mark Hammil in his place while he knelt beside his dying boyfriend.

"Lord Gold," Malavai uttered, blood spattering from his mouth as he tried to talk. Lord Gold put his gauntleted hand on Malvain's open wound. If he was light-side he could probably cure him, butt fuck that pansy shit. "There's something...something I want to tell you.."

"I know," Lord Gold said, his voice modulated from the badass mouthpiece he wears. It's kind of a cross between Darth Malak's and Darth Vader's voice. "You love me, and you're sorry."

"No..." Malavai struggled to utter, "...I...I had to cancel...my life insurance...the monthly payments were.."

Pissed off, Lord Gold pounded his fist into Malavai's chest to finish him off (giggity). I mean WTF. How can you just SPOILERS: betray somebody, and then cancel your life insurance. Lord Gold was fucking pissed, now. He could feel the leash tugging in his hand as his slave bitch fought Mark Hammil, but Mark Hammil just stood out of her reach so she couldn't get to him.

Lord Gold jumped across the room using that cool move he got as a warrior at level 3 and engaged Mark Hammil in open combat. I mean they were really going at it, man (giggity). Lightsabers twirling everywhere, Mark Hammil being all acrobatic (Lord Gold had specced into the acrobatic tree before, but since he forgot to select his talents before starting this boss fight...).

The ship rocked as the Death Star pulled out of hyperspace and the thrum of turbolaser batteries filled the air as they opened fire on something outside. The rock of the ship took Mark Hammil off balance and he fell on his ass, holding a hand out for mercy.

"No," he whined, "please no! I finally have proof that I'm not gay! Don't like me die like this!"

Lord Gold Starcaller cut the hand off. "I will not take your hand. I can see shit on it. Do you not wash your hands?"

Suddenly, the door opened and behind them, Mara Jade stood glaring at the scene. She reached for her lightsaber and her titties bounced around.

Lol cliffhanger again.