ARCHER

Captain Jonathan Archer of the starship Enterprise was in his room with his badass beagle reading an ebook. It was A Song of Ice and Fire: A Game of Thrones. His Vulcan first officer, a female, told him that reading fiction was a waste of time and that if he was going to read he should read something that he could learn from. But he hated Vulcans. Since his Enterprise was the very first Enterprise, the humans were sort-of in Starfleet but also sort-of not, so they had to let that Vulcan bitch babysit them while they went on adventures. Just FYI, Archer's Enterprise is the first one, chronologically, but his TV show, Enterprise (makes sense) was the most recent one. So it's a little weird. I mean he didn't even have a hyperdrive that could go past like warp 2, yet. So that's why he's coming in the story so late, cuz he's slower than the Death Star.

He was really liking the book. Khal Drogo was his favorite character so far. He made an oath that if Khal Drogo dies, he'll stop reading the series so he really hoped that Khal Drogo wouldn't die. Or that at least if he does die, it's a badass warrior's death, like he dies trying to fight a huge horde of Spartans or something. That would be a badass way to die.

"Captain," came the call on the comm. It was that guy with the southern accent who looked a lot like George Bush. I think he was the head engineer.

"Go ahead," said Archer, putting a digital bookmark on his Kindle so he won't lose his place.

"We're picking up some strange readings in quadrant 5L." Starfleet, Alliance Command and Imperial Command all have different nav-charts. I'm pretty sure I explained this in Commander Shepard's chapter.

"Let's take a look," he said, and stood up to get dressed. He liked to read books naked. And eat cheese. His beagle liked to eat cheese, too. He ate some cheese, gave some to his beagle, and stood up to put on his Starfleet jumpsuit. It looks kind of like a prison jumpsuit, but a blue one, except it has some designs on it so it's not dull. The Vulcan bitch doesn't have to wear it which seems odd since she's officially with Starfleet. She also has way too many deep-set feelings for a real Vulcan. At least Voyager's Vulcan is a legit Vulcan even if he's black. Actually I think he might be the only legit Vulcan, because Spock is half human and Enterprise's Vulcan always gets mad or QQ's. Maybe it's cuz she's a woman, idk. Maybe every episode is a month apart and she's always on her period.

I wonder if Vulcans get periods. I'll look it up on Memory Alpha, the Star Trek wiki.

Yep, they do. Guess that means Romulans do, too. Lol if you know the connection there you're a nerd.

Fuck.

I'm a nerd.

Moving on.

Captain Archer entered the bridge and sat down in the command chair. "Captain," said the black guy that pilots the ship. He's really young to be a pilot of such an important ship. Fucking Hollywood. "We're coming out of warp now."

Archer nodded. "Bring it on-screen." The Enterprise dropped out of warp and into the chaotic battlefield. Archer immediately recognized another Enterprise..actually there were two, no three! Meaning there were now four Enterprises. There was also the biggest ship ever made, Spaceball One, and an assortment of other ships. It was cray-cray, yo.

There was no way he would let another Enterprise take his spotlight. His was the first Enterprise, damn it! He was OG. "Shields up, fire torpedos at the Enterprise!"

The Enterprise fired torpedos at the Enterprise. It was a direct hit! The Enterprise's shields merely flashed though, because of the Enterprise's inferior weaponry (the whole series is about how they upgrade their tech to be like the more modern Enterprises, but they get a holodeck in like one of the first episodes which seems kind of weird since it's probably the most complicated piece of tech for them to obtain).

The Enterprise fired back with phasers. Another Enterprise also fired phasers. So did one of the other Enterprises.

"Evasive maneuvers!" screamed Archer as the ship rocked from a concussion missile.

"Captain!" said the Vulcan bitch. Archer could smell her period blood from here. "We've lost hull integrity on engineering!"

"Captain!" came the call from that alien guy in the med-bay. "They've beamed warriors on-board the Enterprise!"

Archer was jealous. He didn't have a transporter, yet. This wasn't going to be good. "Vulcan bitch," he said, standing up and grabbing one of the space-rifles, "you've got the bridge. Black pilot, british guy, you're with me." The Black pilot and the british guy (weapons officer) were probably the most important people to keep on the bridge for something like this, but fuck it lol.

Archer, black pilot and british guy piled into the elevator, their guns cocked and loaded. Black pilot's hair was in cornrows all of a sudden, because it would be more badass that way. I think he was bald before this paragraph. British guy wasn't really especially interesting so he was just standing there with his gun. Archer was the guy from Quantum Leap, so he considered making a Quantum Leap to get out of this clusterfuck but he didn't want to leave his beagle behind. That beagle fucking ruled.

The elevator arrived in the medbay and Archer, black pilot and british guy stepped outside, opening fire on the assailants.

Worf, the Klingon from The Next Generation was tearing dudes apart with his bare hands and occasionally with his phaser. Sylar from Heroes, AKA alternate-timeline Spock was doing karate chops on dudes and OG Kirk was double-fist-punching people.

"You're defeated, Kirk!" Archer yelled at Kirk as he pinned him down with blaster rifle fire (I really don't remember if they shot lasers or phasers or what in Enterprise). "I have a secret weapon planted on-board your ship!"

"You...couldn't possibly!" said Kirk in the annoying way that he talks.

"Yes!" Archer declared triumphantly. "Hank Hill's neighbor! Kahn Souphanousinphone!"

Kirk's eyes went wide. "No! He's not..on my...ship!" He pounded the communicator on his chest. "Scotty, beam me up! I'm afraid KKHHHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN! is on the Enterprise making redneck jokes about Bobby Hill!" Kirk illuminated for a moment and vanished as he was beamed up.

Worf slashed at Archer and cut a badass looking gash across his face. Black pilot tried to attack him but he's black so he died first when Worf ripped his head off and screamed something savage in Klingon. British guy took out a cool looking sword and started to fight Worf so he would be distracted and I can write for Archer and Sylar from Heroes, AKA alternate-timeline Spock.

Sylar from Heroes, AKA alternate-timeline Spock and Archer locked eyes for a brief moment. Archer fired first with whatever his gun shoots out. Sylar from Heroes, AKA alternate-timeline Spock dodged and returned fire with that badass new phaser they have in the new Star Trek movies. One caught Archer on the shoulder, but since he's a plot-centric character it only wounded him. They continued to fight.