WILL SMITH

Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum were flying their ship slowly toward the Death Star. As it happens, this whole fight has been taking place in Earth orbit. Will Smith had just shot down a whole bunch of aliens somewhere in Arizona and he convinced some scientist who doesn't especially need to come along for the trip to come along and help him blow up the mothership...the Death Star.

"They ain't gonna blow up earth on my watch!" Will Smith said like a black man.

"I think this is a very bad idea," said Jeff Goldblum, obligatorily. That's a word. LibreOffice doesn't tell me that I need to spell check it.

There was chaos all around them as they slowly drifted toward the space station. The Enterprise was shooting at the Enterprise, which was dodging and shooing at the Enterprise, which for the most part dodged but still took a few hits while it shot at the Enterprise, which was really bad at maneuvering and took a lot of hits as it tried in vain to hit the Enterprise. The Death Star was blowing up little fighter jets left and right because the Death Star is badass. It was also shooting at Spaceball One, which was shooting at the Starbug, which was shooting at both Spaceball One and at the Outrider, which shot at the Millennium Falcon, which shot at the Winnebago. There was also a sheep floating in space that must have been some kind of ship which was currently being CC'ed.

"What da hell?" was Will Smith's flabbergasted scream.

"I don't know," Jeff Goldblum quickly said, cuz he talks kind of fast. Was he a math genius in Independence Day or in Jurassic Park? I forget which. Maybe both? Let's just say it was ID4. "Fresh Prince, take us to heading 223 at bearing 426." He was looking at the radar and doing a bunch of math stuff in his head to figure out the safest way to get to the Death Star.

Will Smith doesn't do math so he said, "naw, we goin' here!" and steered the ship through a little opening in all the fire (although it just happened to be that he took it to heading 223 at bearing 426). One of the Enterprises began to explode from the inside. As it exploded, they heard "KHAAAAAAANNNNNN" and "Ha ha, you dumb redneck!" over the comm chatter. The Enterprise blew up and the explosion was pretty badass.

Their ship shook as a tractor beam locked on to it. "Uh oh," said Jeff Goldblum, "we're being tractored in.."

Will Smith followed the blue light to its origin. They were being sucked into the Death Star. How convenient! "We're being sucked into the Death Star," he said like a black guy, adding, "how convenient!"

Hold on I have to go check something on the steam pad. I'm at work lol. BRB.

I occurred to me that I forgot to say what Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum were wearing.

Will Smith was wearing a white mid-90s Chicago Bulls jersey with the number '23' on it and 'Jordan', some slightly oversized shorts, those pump-up shoes from the 90s where you squeeze the basketball in the middle and it fills the tongue with air, and his men-in-black sunglasses. Also his hair was in dreads because it looks more badass that way.

Jeff Goldblum was wearing a World of Warcraft druid shirt, some blue J'ncos, and some studded combat boots. Also he was wearing horn-rimmed glasses and his black hair was slicked back like a mobster.

K that's out of the way.

The corpse of a dead raccoon drifted past the cockpit and Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum looked at each other with a what the fuck expression on their faces. It was times like this that Will Smith really wished he had paid more attention to the stuff Tommy Lee Jones taught him as a junior agent. "Aight, dawg," Will said, taking out his glock and chambering a bullet, "here's what's gonna go down. They're gonna capture us, I'll come out the ship, make 'em think I'm the only one. You hide. I dunno how you gonna do that, cuz you white," Will Smith always liked to point out people's races in his earlier movies, "but you gonna do it. You gonna get this ship up out that hangar and blow up this Death Star. Imm'a try and find some way off it and keep 'em distracted for you can do that. You dig?" He reached into his pocket for his iPod and started playing the theme song to Shaft.

"I dig," Jeff Goldblum agreed with a nod. Their ship entered the capture bay of the Death Star and scratched the ground as it skid to a halt. There were four stormtroopers outside with their (lol I remember the name of those rifles now from that Dash Rendar chapter) E-11 blaster rifles pointed at the ship. Will Smith pressed the button to open the hatch and emerged from the top of the ship with his hands in the air.

"Look, officer," he said, trying to be funny, "I was only going five over the limit! Just give me a ticket and we'll be-"

"On the ground!" One of the Stormtroopers yelled.

His stormtrooper buddy added in, "we were awful marksmen in the movies because Darth Vader specifically said he wanted them alive. So if you're like," he put on a mock-Will Smith voice, "oh they're just gonna miss me if I start shooting, cuz stormtroopers suck, well you're in for a surprise!"

Will Smith couldn't really hear what they were saying because he was really getting down to Shaft. They're just gonna miss me if I start shooting, cuz stormtroopers suck, he thought to himself. So he did some badass acrobatics wherein he jumped off the ship doing a sweet backflip, reaching back to his waistband for his glock and shot two bullets while in mid-air. Since stormtroopers' armor is just plastic, bullets will rip through it easily enough. And they did. Two of them got hit in the head because Will Smith's a badass in Independence Day. He landed on the ground and the two remaining troopers opened fire. The ship behind Will started up and Jeff Goldblum started to fly it out of the hangar.

Will Smith turned his glock sideways like a gangsta and shot at the stormtroopers even though if you hold it sideways it's probably going to jam up, but he was from the movies so it wouldn't jam on him this time. He killed the other stormtroopers, his bullets easily cutting through their plastic armor, and ran out of the hangar and into the corridors of the Death Star where he saw a really badass lightsaber duel going on. It was fucking sweet.

He saw some pale guy with tendrils and two purple lightsabers, holding a leash to some half-naked chick with a badass Darth Maul lightsaber fighting against Mark Hammil who he knew from one of those Obama dinners (since Obama loves to have dinners in Hollywood) and some fine ass redhead with a purple lightsaber. It was a pretty even fight since the author doesn't particularly want to kill off any of them.

Will Smith knew his bullets would be useless here, but fortunately the situation resolves itself in the next paragraph.

The fine ass redhead slashed at the slave bitch's leash and cut it so she would be free of the big pale guy. The slave bitch was loyal though so she kept fighting. Actually she was a little disappointed. She was really into BDSM and now they would have to go get a new leash. The pale guy and the slave bitch were getting the upper hand in the fight but suddenly a war horn sounded in the air. "Duh duh duuuuhhh!"

"Gee willikers," Mark Hammil whined. "Mara, our queue just popped."

"Oh!" Mara exclaimed. "Geez, queues for DPS are so much longer than they used to be. I wish Blizzard would hurry up and release some new content so the tanks and healers would re-sub." The two of them suddenly vanished from the air and Will Smith stood there, awkwardly trying to figure out what in the flying fuck was going on. He was also trying to come up with some pickup lines to use on the slave bitch.