HAN SOLO

This was a shit-fest. Han had absolutely no idea what was going on anymore, and to make matters worse, his Def Leppard CD was on the last song (Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad) so he would have to pause from the fighting in a minute and press 'play' again when it was over. It was their CD Vault, the greatest hits from 1980 to 1995.

All around him, shit was getting real. He and Chewie were desperately trying to stay alive while they took fire from all directions. So far two ships had been destroyed, an Enterprise and the Starbug (sorry, I'm not really good at British humor so I didn't really want to write for the Red Dwarf crew even though I fucking love that show), while the Normandy SR-2 was currently sheeped. Out of nowhere, a red podracer emerged from hyperspace. It was being flown by a Dug. What, did he think this was some kind of race? Chewbacca growled and Han (correctly) guessed that he had said Sebulba. Han brought the Falcon hard to starboard and opened fire on the Spaceball One.

Leia walked onto the flight deck, dressed in her Pjs. Apparently she had been sleeping this whole time. Chewbacca suddenly stood up and ripped her arms out of their sockets. It was bloody and violent, but I mean I said I would do it in the first chapter so I had to make sure not to forget before the story was over.

People were blowing up all over the place. Another Enterprise exploded, but not before some of its occupants could beam themselves onboard the Falcon. Chewie growled.

"What?" Han was too busy flying to deal with the intruders. "You take the stick, I'll go deal with this." He drew his DL-44 blaster pistol and rushed into the corridors of the Millennium Falcon. Will Smith, Commander Shepard (holding some hot babe's tit), Worf, Dark Helmet, Mara Jade, Dash Rendar and Lord Gold Starcaller were all in the lounge fighting each other. Lightsabers were going this way and that. Dark Helmet's schwartz was flopping all over the place, Will Smith was shooting bullets, Commander Shepard was shooting lasers and squeezing tits, Worf was firing phasers, Dash Rendar was...giving Han Solo the deadeye.

Dash Rendar leaped at Han with his hand out, a hidden blade extended from his wrist doing that assassination animation from Assassin's Creed. Man there's been like at least 7 Assassin's Creed games and they still use that same animation.

Han dodged and took out his vibro-blade to engage Dash Rendar in hand-to-hand combat. Behind him, Mara Jade lifted her skirt and reached between her legs. She kept it there for a few moments and finally pulled out a tampon, throwing the bloody tampon at Commander Shepard but missed and it flew right into Dash Rendar's mouth. His eyes went wide and he began to puke all over the place; on the floor, the walls, some even got on the ceiling.

With Dash distracted, Han spun around to take a shot at Dark Helmet but the burly Klingon, Worf, leapt at Han and tore off his arm. Lord Gold Starcaller advanced toward Will Smith, but slipped in some barf. Having seen that, Will Smith began to barf. Some of it came out of his nose. It was gross.

Outside, the battle raged on.