Verse I
I Am The Holy Ghost
"Eat cloud dirt, bitch!" I hardly had to follow orders- the speaker's arm was already slamming into the soft ground. My body bounced back, and I was practically upright again. Jesus swore, and let go.
"This is such a fucking waste of time! We need harder ground. I'm talking to Dad." Jesus stormed away, leaving a quickly fading set of footprints in the thick clouds, and leaving me alone. So. I'm the Holy Ghost. I live up here in Heaven with my dad God and my asshole brother Jesus. Even though this is Heaven, my life up here sucks. Every day, God hands me a huge stack of religious propaganda and makes me go door-to-door trying to convert people to Christianity. Yeah-that's right. There are non-Christians up here in Heaven. When God bought the property a while back, there were already a bunch of people living here. God asked them to leave, but they got all angry, and one of them threw a rock at his face. God incinerated him, but felt bad about it later, and swore he would never use violent means on the "squatters" again (he insists he was there first, but I clearly remember otherwise). These people-screw it, let's just call them "Squatters"-get extremely angry when I come up to their doors, and try to advertise the love of my brother and father. It was about an hour after I had one of my daily pummels from Jesus when I went for my daily 3 hours of promoting, and something bizarre happened. To be more precise, the very moment that started the series of strange and unlikely events that flipped Heaven upside-down.
I had reached the end of Ophanim street when I reached a new house. It was bright red, and had a general sense of hell about it. I shrugged my shoulders, and knocked on the door. There was immediately a loud coughing sound, followed by the door opening with a loud billow of green smoke floating out. I probably would've coughed, but I didn't have a nose or lungs (I do have a Magic Voice Void, though). Lo and behold, a dark figure started lurking through the clouds, and stumbled drunkenly through the doorway.
"Woahhhhh... What the firkin? Is it Halloween already? Some kid covered with a sheet...and a cross glued to his forehead? Duddddeee...what are you supposed to be?" The cretin started grabbing at me with a grubby finger.
"Excuse me! I'm the Holy Ghost- this is not a sheet, and this cross is not glued to my forehead. That's a part of me- OW! You stupid pothead!" The fool had grabbed on to my beautiful Head-Cross and was trying to take it off. I managed to slap him away, but not before he had gotten smudged fingerprints all over the thing.
"Holy Ghost...dudddeeee. I've heard of you. You're part of the Holy Four or whatever."
"Holy Trinity you oaf. C'mon, it even sounds cool. You could bother to remember it." At this point, I was ready to leave, and was starting to turn around before realizing that God was going to be angry if I didn't ask the pothead to join Christianity. I sighed, and took a deep breath, right before the pothead began blabbering.
"Huh! Holy Trinity, huh dude? Cool name. Mine's Cain." He stuck out a greasy hand.
"Wha-Cain?!" I yelped. Cain...he was famous. God had been going through a vegetarian stint for a few months when Cain had offered him meat. At the same time, God had just lost his TV remote, and he flipped out. He stamped a giant "ASS" to Cain's forehead, and then gave him eternal life because he suddenly felt sorry for him. Then he was angry again, and sent Cain to a massive wasteland God had cooked up while playing Minecraft. He had never been heard from again. Until now.