Verse II

Cain And Drugs

It was Cain. The Cain.

I was utterly surprised, and the first thing that came to my head came out where my mouth would be if I had one.

"You're THE Cain...the one that killed your own brother?!"

Cain stared at me for a second, and then burst into laughter. "Dudddee...you talking about Abel? Heh, more like 'Unabel', right dude?"

He really didn't seem to care about anything...

"So you are Cain...how did you get here?! What are you doing here?!" If God found out about this...

"Well, man, I was wandering out in the desert, eating whatever plants I found (it was funner to smoke it, though), when I fell down a dune, and, you won't believe this." He stopped at this point, and just stared at me with a excited look. I insisted he went on. "Dude, there was a jetpack, dude! I was so bored, I just strapped into it, and, damn!, I was in Heaven, dude."

I was not impressed. I was hoping for a real experience, and instead I ended up with a pothead's fantasy.

"Alright, you're insane, which makes you exactly the right person to preach to." I got out a pamphlet and handed it to Cain. "Mr..."

"My new last name's Starchild, dude."

"Mr...Starchild? (What in the name of my brother?) I am here to offer you a exciting world of possiblity. When you die, would you like to go to the best place ever?"

By this point, Cain had already started smoking something new, some concoction that looked like a mix of popcorn and fetus. "Wow. So cool dude, but I'm already-"

"YES, this magical place, this glorious place is called-" I stopped. I had never actually gotten this far in reading the script before. "...Heaven? Are you kidding? Are you serious?"

"Ha ha ha! Dudddeee...we're already in Heaven dude. It's pretty coo, you're right." Cain finished his Fetus-Drug and started drinking out of a rainbow bottle.

"How...how did they expect me to sell this? HOW DID THEY EXPECT ME TO SELL THIS?!" I threw the papers to the ground, and then floated over them repeatedly.

"Man, you gotta calm down. Dude, I feel so sorry for you. You're dad's such a hardass. Let me help you out, come in my shack, dude."

"I-I-" I was so angry that the next few minutes I don't remember...I just suddenly found myself on a dirty couch covered in unidentifiable leaves. Cain was coming from around a wall with a assortment of disturbing drugs in his arms.

"Dude, I brought you some candy. I bet you could use some!" He dropped the large pile on a small coffee table in front of me, and plopped down in the couch next to me.

"What the heck is this?" I mumbled, as I tried to shut myself off.

"Dude...you've never had candy before have you, dude? I'll start you on easy stuff, then. Have a bong, dude." He handed me a bizarre object that looked vaguely like a musical instrument. He took for himself a bag of black powder.

"What the heck is that?" I grumbled, pushing away the "bong".

Cain looked up with a crazy grin on his face. "Dude? This is Super Cocaine. I made it. It's the most powerful drug ever, dude."

"Super Cocaine? Are you kidding?"

Cain laughed, and then started taking some out. "Dude, this stuff is the shit. If anyone but me takes it, their head will explode. Your dad gave me infinite life and whatever, so I can take it. In fact, dude, I can take as many drugs as I want without death." He suddenly snorted the black powder, and slammed his head back into the air.

I was not convinced of anything. "Super Cocaine. Are you kidding?"

Cain started screaming, and continued to for another ten minutes. I would've left, but I was curious about the drugs. I had been stuck in the house for my whole life. I was getting interested in these bizarre circumstances outside the palace. Cain eventually calmed down.

"Woaaaahhh...wahh..woahh...SHIT! SHIT DUDE, SHIT!" He screamed right in my face, and started dancing in a circle.

My nice white covering was wet with spit now. I was done. I started to get up when I noticed something on the bong...initials. These stopped me flat. I picked up the bong to get a closer look. "J.C."

Cain stopped dancing and looked over. "Heeee...haaaaaa...did you take a hit yet, man? It's your bro's old tool, dude. I bet you'll feel him if you smoke that...feel his, like-" Cain was suddenly hit by another attack. He started slamming his crotch into the wall. I could only stare in disbelief at the bong.