Huge thanks for all the support, I love writing these and enjoy reading all of the reviews! It really makes my day! Thanks and enjoy! I am so sorry for the delay, I have been doing exams and have had some eye treatment recently, so it has been hard to write. Enjoy!
Dominic looked up at the ceiling, his arms behind his head, legs folder as he lay back in the bed. The clock ticked irritably in the background, each tick making him sink deeper and deeper into a depressed state.
"Dom?" He had been so caught up in his own mind that he hadn't noticed Sacha enter, "You awake?" he asked. Dominic waited a moment before answering, seeing if Sacha might leave.
He didn't.
"No, I'm wide awake Mr. Levy." He growled back, shuffling up into a sitting position.
"Ah good," Sacha said with a smile, coming fully into the room and perching on the end of the bed, "So, self harm huh?" he paused, meeting Dominic's eyes.
"Yes," Dominic looked at him pointedly to continue.
"Oh, sorry, I just thought you'd have something to say," Sacha said, scooting around to better face Dominic.
"Um... No, I think that's why the councilor is coming." Dominic said, pulling his arms up and around his knees so that they were huddled to his chest, "Why are you even here Mr. Levy?" Dominic asked, meeting the man's eyes firmly.
"Well, one you are my F1 and I needed to make sure you were ok,"
"Bit late," muttered Dominic, but Sacha ignored him.
"And two, because I care about you, and I was worried when you had that attack in the corridor. And after Mr. Self told me that it was infact self harm, I had to talk to you."
"Uh huh..." said Dominic, letting his eyes drift to his feet, wiggling his toes was far more interesting.
"So um," Sacha watched as Dom began to sink back into his own zone, and he turned to his bag. He produced a sandwich from the cafeteria, and handed it to the young doctor, "Here, I thought you might be hungry." Sacha offered.
"Well I'm not, thank you." Dominic said, sitting back again so that he could stare at the blank wall of his room. It was plain, white, boring, much like this conversation.
"Dominic, I am trying to help you!" Sacha blurted out, almost growling.
"Yes, I can see that, but I don't need your help." Dominic said, his eyes still counting the number of bricks that made up the wall, anything to get away from the subject of self harm, or just himself entirely.
Sacha grumbled, running a hand through his hair, "Alright then Dominic, well I'll leave the sandwich here for later, I expect it to be eaten though," he said lightly, standing and moving towards the door, "do me proud when the councilor comes, don't be rude, and answer all of their questions. I'll send them in now."
Dominic nodded, blinking several times before looking at the door Sacha was just closing, "Mr. Levy," he called. The man stuck his head back around the door.
"Yes Dominic?"
"Thank you." Dominic said, forcing a smile.
Sacha smiled, content that he had atleast tried to help Dominic. Truth was, Dominic couldn't bare creating another person that might hate him as much as he hated himself, he had too many people who wanted him to slit his wrists, properly.
Digby looked down at his arm, running his fingers along the flat, clean skin. He winced as he recalled what he had seen earlier in Mr. Self's office.
"Digby!" Arthur looked up from his arm, turning in the chair he was sitting at in the staff room, "How was he, all I know is that he collapsed in the corridor, panic attack I heard. What happened?" Zosia said, hurrying into the room and pulling up a chair.
"He, um..." Digby hesitated, running his hand along the back of his neck, unsure as to whether he should disclose what he knew or not, "I don't know, but he's seeing a councilor soon, hopefully Mr. Levy or Mr. Self will tell us when that's been done." He said, looking up at Zosia to gauge her reaction.
"I heard their thinking about calling in a psych if things escalate anymore," 'Fewh' thought Digby, 'she'd bought it', "Sounds bad..." Zosia said looking at him worriedly.
"I'm sure it's nothing, you know Dom, always making a big deal out of everything." Digby said, forcing a smile and squeezing Zosia's hand, "No worries, right, he'll be fine." Zosia grinned back at the reassurance.
"Dominic, it's Mr. Self," Dominic looked up from his phone, trying desperately to not roll his eyes as Guy Self stuck his head around the door, "Mrs. Campbell and I have brought the councilor, can we come in?"
Dominic cocked an eyebrow, 'why is he being so darn polite, asking if he can come into my hospital room, what's up with that?' he thought, "Yeah sure, come in." He said, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed so that he faced the three chair situated next to 'The Blank Wall Of Boredom'.
Guy entered first, followed by a young looking woman, spectacles balanced on her overly thin face. Her eyes appeared too big for her head, like a frog, and her lips were too pursed, her cheek bones too sharp to be natural. The strange stick lady was swiftly followed by Serena.
"Thank you Dominic," Guy said, drawing the words out in an agonized tone, he must be playing up to the councilor, Dominic mused, settling himself down with some pillows to support his back.
The three sat with the councilor in the middle. She pulled a long, thin, black ink pen from her blazer pocket, producing a small file. She began to scribble as she spoke, "Hello Dr. Copeland my name is Dr. Jenny Harshock, I will be your Clinical Psychologist," she said, looking over the frames of her glasses at him. Dominic opened his mouth, but shut it as she looked away.
"Dominic," Mrs. Campbell began, "You need to try and answer as many of Dr. Harshock's questions as possible, alright?" Dominic nodded, his eyebrow cocked as he watched the strange woman continue to write, 'What about, we haven't even started yet!' he thought angrily.
"Ok, Dr. Copeland. Let's start with a little about you," she began, leaning forward over the documents on her lap to fix Dominic with an inquiring glare, "are you single?"
"Um, yes..." Dominic said, unsure as to where this was leading.
"Gay or straight?" she asked flatly, which surprised him greatly.
"Gay." Dominic replied. The woman hurriedly scribbled before fixing him with another of her bulging eyed glares.
"So you self harm because you are ashamed of your sexuality, then?" she said. Dominic felt his ears burning up, anger suddenly rising in the pit of his stomach. For the sake of his already dampened reputation he ground his teeth, replying to Dr. Harshock's glare and accusation with an aggressive growling answer.
"No, I am content with being homosexual thank you." he said, surprised with how civil he sounded.
"Then your parent's disapproved of your homosexuality?" Dominic couldn't control himself. How dare she, how dare she say those things, such accusations!
"No!" he snarled, teeth bared as he too leaned in towards her, "this has nothing to do with my sexuality, nor my family! Stop making accusations and move onto facts Dr. Harshock!" He ground down on his teeth, eyes narrowing aggressively.
She didn't appear fazed, she sat back and smiled, her odd, pinched lips pulling at the skin around her mouth as she did so, "A classic denial case if ever I saw one." she said coolly.
Guy sat forward making a nervous look in Serena's direction before suggesting, "Maybe you should ask Dominic why he started, what triggered it, instead of these accusations?" Dr. Harshock fixed Guy with a hard stare.
"I do believe you'll find I am the expert here, step one is allowing the patient to understand why they are traumatized, step 2 is finding the trigger, step 3 is coping methods. But he must first realize why he does these things." she said turning to face Dominic, who was practically foaming at the mouth with rage.
"So, Dominic, if I may call you Dominic?" she asked. Dominic fought the urge to roll his eyes for the second time, he wasn't a little ten year old who had nicked cookies from the cookie jar, and he wouldn't be treated like one either.
"No, you can call me Dr. Copeland." He said firmly.
"Power association as escape option," she muttered as she scribbled down more notes, "wants to appear in charge to hide inner trauma." she looked up at him, continuing to smile. Dominic felt utterly repulsed.
"OK then Dr. Copeland, when did you find out you were gay?" Dominic had had enough, his patients had been worn through like a twenty year old football trainer. His hands balled up into fists.
"I told you!" he roared, standing his back arched as he moved towards her, his eyes narrowed in on her smug, stupid, plastic pencil face, "It has nothing to do with me being gay! So stop asking!" He fumed.
"I am afraid Dr. Copeland that behavior is not acceptable when in a meeting," she laughed before continuing, "you're like a wild animal," she continued to chuckle as she wrote down more.
Dominic passed a pained look towards Serena, certain that she would do something, but she wasn't looking at him to receive his message. Dominic had had enough.
"How dare you say that my behavior's unacceptable, you're so condescending and unnecessarily critical!" he snarled, "Mr. Self, this is completely inappropriate and I want you to leave, all of you!" he said, holding back his anger.
Jenny Harshock stood, placing a hand on Dominic's shoulder as Guy and Serena stood either side of her, "Just accept it Dr. Copeland, you'll never be happy as long as you have a gay attitude."
"You homophobic bitch!" Dominic roared. The slight heat and tingle in his hand told him what he had just done. Without even realizing it. A firm hand grasped his wrist and pulled him aside. Guy Self looked at him, not unsympathetically, but definitely angry. Dominic looked up at Dr. Harshock and gasped slightly.
Her cheek was swollen and red, a hand print shape forming there as she clutched it in surprise. She looked at him, stunned as Mrs. Campbell led her from the room.
"Sit down Dominic," Guy commanded. Dominic sat on the edge of the bed, staring down at his hand, "that should never have happened. I am sorry she was treating you that way, but hitting her was never an option." he said, his voice rippled with authority.
"She was being homophobic, she wouldn't let up on it the whole time. I know why I started self harming, I know why I did it!" he said, tears already forming in his eyes. Guy stared at him, unsure of exactly what to do.
"I'm sorry, but I had to let her continue, it's her job, I didn't think anything of it." Dominic swiped away a tear.
"You didn't do or think anything. You didn't care." He shuffled back on the bed and curled up so he was facing away from Guy.
"I'll get a nurse to bring you lunch." Guy said, opening the door. "I am sorry Dominic, really." Dominic looked up at him, he did appear genuine, but Dom dropped his head back down.
"Well that went well," Serena said, sitting on the edge of her desk as she spoke to Guy, "what's our next move, you know he won't trust another therapist now." She added, sipping her tea.
"Not yet," Guy said, leaning back in his office chair, "we need to order a psych, he completely lost it in there." Serena looked over.
"He's bad but not bad enough for a psych, at least not yet. He hit that woman because she was being homophobic, which rings fair enough in my books. I am only sorry I didn't stop it sooner." she said softly, placing the cup down once it was drained.
"Are you going to tell Zosia?" she asked finally, meeting his eyes.
"No, she doesn't need to worry about this until there is something to worry about." he said finally.
"He did," Guy continued as he mused over his brief conversation with Dominic, "say he knew why he was self harming, and what triggered it, perhaps a new therapist, maybe with more self harm experience to assess his general state of mind, and if that doesn't go well, or things escalate, then we can call for a psych."
"He's self harming, when will it be something to worry about?" Serena asked. She strode towards the door and sighed, "I'm heading back to AAU I have some patients waiting on results. I'll also request a second therapist, and I am sure I won't need to convince Jenny Harshock to keep quiet about the incident, she was very shocked." she said, Guy smiled and nodded, before Serena allowed the door to swing shut behind her.
There was a soft knock at the door and a young male nurse entered. "Dr. Copeland, I have your lunch for you. Where would you like it?"
Dominic wanted to be alone, he didn't want to be seen like this by anyone. "I don't care, I'm not going to eat it anyway." he muttered. The nurse placed it on the bedside table out of Dominic's vision.
"It's good today," the nurse continued, Dominic was barely listening, "fish and chips today, muffins as well. I brought you a chocolate one, always helps make me feel better." he said, and by the tone of his voice Dominic could tell he was smiling.
"Thanks, but I'm good. Go and give it to someone who wants it." he said. There was silence, the male nurse shuffled over to the tray and then sat on the bed. Dominic flinched.
"I would eat it." he said, looking at Dominic over his shoulder. Dominic had sat up and was staring at the nurse, annoyed.
"Do you mind," he grumbled, "but I said I didn't want it, can you get off of my bed and leave please." The nurse shrugged and stood, looking at the tray then back at the pissed off Dominic.
"I'll leave it there in case you change your mind." he said, before exiting the room.
"Creep," Dominic said between gritted teeth. He rolled over to inspect his food, when something more exciting caught his eye. Cutlery. Spoon, fork and knife. Clearly Guy hadn't instructed any of the staff members to not give him sharp objects, thank goodness. Dominic reached out and tentatively plucked the knife from the plate.
The smooth metal was cool under his touch as he admired its edge. It wasn't sharp edged, but serrated. That had its ups and downs. It would last longer, and create bigger cuts, as well as being more work. Either way Dominic was happier with the instrument on his hands.
He lifted it above his left arm, thinking back to the horrible feelings from earlier, the tears, the anxiety. He felt the cool metal connect with his skin, the serrated edge digging into his flesh. A tingling burning sensation began as he worked at the line. 'One this time,' he thought as he dragged the blade along his arm, ' too many will make it even harder to conceal.' He opened his eyes as the feeling of warm liquid running down his arm.
The blade had done its job, a deep and long cut was now streamed across his left arm. It was longer and wider than any of the others that he had done before, and yet even more satisfying. He sighed as the blood oozed from the wound, his eyes flickering shut.
"Chris just took Dominic his lunch," Sacha said, smiling at Serena and Guy as the pair inspected the beds on Keller, "he said Dominic was being all distant and harsh. But I told him, 'eh that's Dom for you'." Sacha said, chortling to himself.
"What was he given?" asked Serena absently as she looked over a young woman who had a swollen leg, her face caked in blood.
"Fish and chips I think, I told him to take a chocolate muffin up too, sweeten it a bit." Sacha said happily, peering over Serena's shoulder to see what she was looking at.
"Good, good. So he had no trouble finding the plastic utensils I set aside for Dominic then?"
Sacha paused, tilting his head and scratching his chin, "Um... I don't recall him mentioning it, but I'm sure he found something." He said.
Guy looked up while Mrs. Campbell continued onto the next bed, "You didn't make sure it was plastic?"
"I just assumed-" Guy grabbed Mr. Levy's arm and pulled him over.
"You assumed!? That young man may have been given a metal knife. Are you insane?" Guy growled.
"It's serrated." Sacha pointed out as he tried to pry himself from Guy's iron grip.
"Mrs. Campbell." Guy said over his shoulder, the woman walked over, confusion written clearly on her features.
"Mr. Levy didn't make sure Dominic had plastic utensils." Serena was the first to jump.
"Come on then, we need to go make sure he hasn't got one." The three raced off towards Dominic's room.
Dominic's eyes fluttered open, bleary from blood loss. He looked down at his arm, groaning in pain as he saw it was still bleeding, and bruising around the edges, just moving it made him moan.
The blood was flowing quickly down his arm, and had already dripped all over the floor. He could hear the sound of voices, hurried footsteps, and he looked at his plate and cursed.
The door flew open, Dominic lay perfectly still, his back to them as he closed his eyes, letting out soft sighs of sleep.
Beside him, under the blanket was the knife, fork and spoon. He felt them move into the room, closing the door slowly.
"I think he's asleep." Dominic heard Sacha say. He then heard footsteps approach the plate behind him.
"There's no cutlery at all, Sacha, did your nurse forget?" Guy said. A second pair of foot steps padded to stand beside Guy.
"He hasn't eaten any of it. It must have been in here for at least an hour by now." Serena commented.
"Should we wake him and ask?" Dominic felt himself heat up, he also had the blood stained towel wrapped around his arm, the same one that he had used to clean the floor moments before.
"No, let him sleep, I doubt he'll be getting much." Serena said gently. Dominic sighed.
"What's this?" The hair along the back of his neck stood on end as he felt a pressure on the bed. 'Shit' he thought, 'I didn't check the bed sheet to see if there were any stains!'
"Ketchup?" Sacha said, his feet coming around to stand beside Serena and Guy.
"There's none on his plate." Guy noted, his eyes now bearing into the back of Dominic's head.
"Dominic? Are you awake?" Serena asked, placing a hand on his arm. Dominic winced. Guy looked to Serena before taking the blanket in his hand.
"Let him sleep. It can't be serious, a tiny dot like that." Sacha said. Guy still held the blanket. If he lifted it any more he would have seen a large red stain covering the bed, far bigger than even Dominic liked to admit.
"He winced, Sacha, he must have a fresh one." Guy argued, however it was Serena who said something.
"Let's just lift the sheet, see if there's anything there, if there is, we wake him, if not, he would never have to know. OK?" She said. The men grunted back.
Dominic, in a fairly smooth motion considering his blood loss, and sudden dizziness, rolled over, like anyone who was asleep would. He hadn't accounted for the fact that he was now lying on his arm, which flared angrily under the pressure of his body. He winced again, eyes squinting slightly.
"He must be having a dream, I'm sure he's fine." Sacha said. Dominic didn't dare to crack open his eyes at all, but he heard Serena sigh.
"Guy, come back in an hour. Investigate then. He seems so peaceful, and I would hate to wake him and frighten him more." Guy seemed to freeze, and Dominic waited with batted breath.
"OK, but only an hour."
"I'll tell the nurses to leave him for a while." Serena said. The three filed out of the room, one of them stopping the door from slamming shut.
Digby watched them leave, the sick feeling in his stomach coming to an edge. "Digby, what are you doing?" Digby jumped, turning to face Zosia.
"What are you looking at?" she asked peering over Arthur's shoulder. "Is that where Dom is?" she said, leaning in to try and see the door name tg.
"No, no I was seeing if Guy was in there, come on Zosh." Digby said, gently moving Zosia away.
"Bu-but!" she protested, but it was futile as Digby steered her away.
Once she was back behind the desk, Digby sighed, looking down at his timetable, great, he had half an hour before he had to scrub in for a car accident surgery, then twenty minutes after that for a transplant. Great.
"Thanks for that Digby." came a soft voice, Digby spun around, his eyes widening as he noticed Guy Self standing a little away, "I don't think she's ready to know yet, do you?" Digby shook his head. The man smiled and turned away. "Keep up the good work," he paused, "and leave Dominic for a while, he is getting some sleep."
'Hum,' mused Digby, 'Dominic has never slept during the day, the man has always struggled with it... so how was he sleeping during the day without a sedative?'
Digby slowly made his way towards Dominic's room. It all seemed quiet as he opened the door a touch. Ducking his head inside he could see Dominic lying on his side, facing away from Digby. However he appeared to be eliciting small groaning noises.
"D-Dom," he asked quietly, creeping further into the room, "are you awake?"
Dominic's head looked over his shoulder weakly, his eyes looked glazed and out of focus.
"C-cut too deep...loss...bruising...dizzy..." Dominic slurred, still facing away from Digby.
Arthur moved fully into the room, hurrying around the side of the bed. He could see blood was starting to pool on the floor, Dominic's bed sheets were crimson.
"What did you do!" Digby exclaimed, reaching for Dominic's arm. Dominic barely moved, too weak to protest. Digby inspected the arm. The cut was sloppy, deep and dripping blood. The edges of skin surrounding it turning a stomach churning greeny purple.
"I am going to try and put some stitches in this," Digby said, reaching for one of the trolleys in the room with a med kit, "Then I will bandage it up and fetch Guy and Serena." Dominic started when Digby said that, meekly trying to pull back.
"No...please...they'd...me...think...suicide...I-" his eyes fluttered, and the beeping of his machine warned Digby how much blood he had lost.
"I have to..." Digby mumbled. He retrieved the needle, threading it quickly. He felt anxiety and nerves threatening, but steadied his hand. He passed the needle through the bruised skin, eliciting a moan from Dominic.
Eventually the stitch was done, and Digby quickly bound the arm. Dominic's eyes fluttered open as Digby made to leave.
"Please..." Arthur spun around to face him.
"You have to be watched. This is dangerous. They will see your arm either way and it would be better come from me." Digby said finally.
Digby closed the door softly behind him, sweat beading on his brow. "Shit, shit, shit!" he muttered, making his way down the corridor to Guy's office.
"Digby?" Arthur jumped, turning to see Guy, Serena and Sacha heading towards Dom's room from the other corridor, "What are you still doing here?"
Digby stalled for a moment, not sure whether to be grateful they were there, or worried. "I , urgh... I went to-" Guy stalked over, eyes fixed on Digby.
"You, 'urgh' what Dr. Digby?" Guy growled. Serena and Sacha hovered by Guy.
"I just put my head around the door. He's my friend. And he was groaning... and-"
"You went in, and you saw him in pain. And you didn't call us because?" Guy snapped, he then turned to Sacha and Serena, "I told you!" I told you there was something wrong."
"I-" But Guy was at Dominic's door, throwing it open and rushing into the room.
Sacha stood beside Digby, looking down at the F1. "You shouldn' have dealt with it on your own without notifying us first Arthur." Mr. Levy pointed out sternly.
Serena moved around the bed, joining Guy beside Dominic.
"Is he conscious?" she asked, looking over at his machine's while Guy moved the blankets.
Guy stepped back, cursing under his breath. Despite the pool of blood, Dominic's bed was soaked with red. "He has lost a lot of blood..." Guy said slowly, looking at the bandaged arm. As he moved it, he heard a loud clatter. A spoon, a fork and a metal serrated knife clanged to the floor.
"SACHA!" Roared Guy, kicking the objects away from Dominic.
At the shout, Dom's eyes fluttered open, and he nearly jumped at the sight of Guy Self.
" ...?" he groaned, nervously, "It's not...looks like...not..." he seemed almost delirious and unaware as his head moved away from Guy to look at the ceiling.
"I want blood here, now, and I need X-rays, blood counts and I think," he turned to Serena, "we need to report this to a psych unit. This could have been a suicide attempt." Serena nodded, calling in some nurses to fetch the bloods and order the X-rays and tests.
Dominic groaned, looking at the arm. Guy began to unbind the wound, and winced at the appearance.
The bruising had intensified, and the wound still seeped despite the stitches.
"Dominic, concentrate on my voice," Guy said, touching the tender arm, "I am going to sedate you, you are not well, and we do not want anything to happen while the nurses and doctors work on you. Sit still."
Dominic flinched at Guy's touch, his arm felt heavy and throbbed with aggressive pain that seeped through his body. Guy slowly lifted the needle to Dominic's other arm, and injected the sedative.
Dominic squirmed beneath him, as the nurses arrived to the scene. He clenched his teeth, trying to speak, but he was already exhausted. "Not...suicide...no...psych...please..." then his eyes fluttered closed, body still tensing and relaxing for little after.
"I want him cleaned up, and in the private room upstairs. I want him observed 24/7 do you all understand?" Everyone in the room nodded, and moved in on Dominic.
Serena leaned against Guy's desk as the man reappeared. "What happened? Is he ok?" Guy produced the knife.
"It was in the room. He used a serrated knife." Guy said, a hand running through his hair.
"We need to think about sending him to an intensive care unit..." Serena said quietly.
"No!" Guy snapped, "Holby City has to be seen as being able to deal with this. If we put all of our problems onto other units and hospitals we will seem inexperienced and weak."
Serena fixed Guy with a hard glare, "He needs the best care possible, and I don't know whether Holby has the facilities to cope with this."
Guy placed the knife on his desk. "We'll see. Let's wait until he is conscious first."