A Stone In The River
I sat silently in the car. The trees flying past the window as we drove down the road, just a blur of green and only there for a second before they were left behind. My life had seem to fall apart in the last week. Or maybe it was falling apart before that and I just hadn't noticed. I felt like the trees outside. A blur of colour, always standing in place as the world went by. Left to stand alone, only glimpsing into the lives around me, but never was never able to stay. Or maybe like I was being held up by a rope, but instead of it helping me stand, it kept tightening around my neck.
Alice's words keep paying on a loop in my head, like a song I couldn't forget. I wanted to forget them, to have not heard them, but they were burned into my mind, constantly mocking me. It was making the rope tighten, suffocating me with my own mind.
"You didn't deserve him!"
I clenched my hands into fists. I could feel my nails pressed tightly into my palms, but I didn't loosen my grip, it grounded me, kept me from slipping too far into my mind.
"They met the night of the bonfire that summer. They spent the entire night together."
I knew the bonfire she was talking about. I hadn't gone that night, I had come down with a bug and was in bed all week. When I talked to Rose the day after, she didn't even remember seeing him there. He had said he'd gotten lost with a friend trying to get back to the beach. Had it really been her? He never told me the name, I trusted him, so I didn't even think to ask. He had been pretty much unreachable for an entire week after that night. I had just thought he'd caught my bug. It hadn't seemed necessary to ask.
The weeks following that I remember her being around for the first time though. She watched his every move. I never knew why. I thought it was a little strange, but maybe it was just a crush. But was it actually because, even then she had loved him? Had he loved her too?
"He always felt like he owed you. For helping him get through the divorce. He thought he had to stay. He didn't want to be like them."
I knew Edward loved me, he has told me so many times that there would never be a doubt in my mind, I had seen in his eyes as we lay in bed together. But what kind of love was it?
"He loves her. He was scared to tell you, neither of them wanted to hurt you. But you can't help who you fall in love with."
I knew that well enough. My parents an perfect example of that. My father had been Billy, my mothers ex-husband and Jake's father's best man. They had fallen in love while she was still married, sure they didn't actually get together until well after the divorce, but wasn't it the same thing? 'I caught the right fish in the wrong season,' is what my father had said.
"You ruined everything, they're happy together. You should make it easy for everyone and just let them be"
I had called Edward straight after Alice had abruptly ended the conversation by walking inside and slamming the door, but of course, Tanya had answered. Maybe that was answer enough. It had been a day and she was still there and answering calls to the house? I had hung up without saying a word, but she probably knew it was me.
I was at a loss as to what to do. I had three days until the cruise was set to leave. What was I suppose to do until then? I had told my father I was taking a year off to travel already, and all he said was 'About time. Don't catch too many fish.' I hadn't understood that one either. But for now Jake was taking over for me, though he wasn't keen for it. But he'd do anything for me and I was grateful for that, I didn't even what to think about what would happen if I didn't have him.
"Everything will be okay, B. Head up, chin up. Right?" Rosalie's voice snapped me out of my thoughts and I glanced over at her with a smile.
"Thanks, Rose," I whispered "you know. For helping me through this, I'm pretty sure I'd be in a constant state of depressed drunkenness without you."
She laughed loudly and shook her head. "You were always strong, Bella. It was just inner strength and needed a little nudge to come out."