Author's Note: Remember that time I was all like "an epilogue is imminent!" Yeah… I had a bit of a crisis mid draft and had to pause. I'll put more on my author page, but basically I had a revelation about myself and some unrelated anxiety and the whole thing just spun into writer's paralysis. In the end, I decided my original plan for how this would tie up was good, but the grey areas needed to be more prominent. There's a lot to tie up and, if you're striving for realistic characters, you can never use nice, even bows. Fortunately, Raven's not a character that messes around with pretenses, so that was helpful, but over all, I think there might be some aspects that feel a little anticlimactic. But this is an epilogue; the climax already happened and now I address the aftermath, which is convoluted and hazy. I tried to end on noted of honesty, change, and hope without disrupting the fragile sense of believability. You'll have to tell me if I succeeded. ^^' Also, consent and respect are sexy!
Disclaimer: Like a decade later, I still own nothing and am still making no profit.
Beast Boy sat on his rock on the beach of the Titan's island. You know the one: the boulder just by the water's edge. The one on which he always sat when he was feeling, dare I say it, pensive. A few weeks ago the Titans would've rolled their eyes a little at that, not out of some objection or criticism, but an innocent sense of disbelief. What did Beast Boy have to be pensive about, anyway? Now, though, things were different. Now they knew.
How do you move on? How do you keep living when people learn things about you you wish they hadn't? How do you fill the hole where your secrets used to be? How do you stand people seeing what you are instead of what you want them to see? How were they supposed to react after what he and that thing that wasn't him had done and said? How did he want them to react? Everything was different. Everything had changed.
He smiled a hollow, ironic smile that felt totally wrong on his lips at that thought, curling his bare toes in the salt water. The waves pushed and pulled around his ankles in rhythmic swells, the seabirds crying in a sharp cacophony over the city noise. But there was no music. No singing or calling or sharpened senses. The capillaries in his brain were not dilated and he felt no compulsion whatsoever to enter the water. To Beast Boy, the sea was silent. And in that silence there was a sorrow he couldn't explain or define or understand. Absently, he twirled a single, long, dusty brown feather between his fingers, feeling it catch on the air as he stared out into the sea.
About ten stories above him, Raven hovered on the edge of the Titan's roof. Her body was folded into a lotus position such that, to the casual observer, she would appear to be simply meditating. This was not the case. She too sat in silence, but not solitude as she was accustomed. Beast Boy could feel her at the edge of his thoughts, not intrusive or overwhelming, just present. He knew she was watching him through an irreversible intuition they now shared. He knew that it made her uncomfortable to be so close to another person, to be vulnerable and open. He knew she understood even less than he did, but she was trying and that was really what mattered. She was there with him for when he needed her. She was there for when he needed to just… be weak for a little while.
"Hey," he greeted in a low, soft voice, feeling a sudden desire to talk to her. It was impulsive and he had no idea what he wanted to say, but since when was that new? Some indescribable chord of his being wanted to be with her, to reach out to her, so he did. Simple. Classic, even. "Raven?"
"I'm here." There was a cool compression behind him and suddenly she was on the rocks, cloaked and cold. For a moment the two were frozen, remembering that their interactions had always been easy before, yet unable to deny that something was different. Here, too, things had changed. With a sigh, she let down her hood and picked her way carefully towards him, settling on the rock to his left. Her hands were folded and her back was stiff, but she was there. Neither looked at the other. Neither spoke for a long while.
"How are you," Raven finally asked, curiously unable to stand the stillness.
"Fine," Beast Boy answered with a shrug.
"Garfield…"
He pursed his lips and slouched, not entirely sure he wanted to answer. To admit to what was bothering him.
"It's only been a few days," he started uncertainly. "So it's not like anyone expects me to be all normal, right? No one thinks I should just… get over it, right?"
"No. We have good friends; they may not understand but they're trying to be supportive."
"Yeah, I know. But that's kinda what bugs me. I mean, I get that it wasn't my fault and that no one blames me or anything, but then it sort of is my fault and they should blame me at least a little."
"Why? Why do you think any of it was your fault? Do you think you had a choice?"
"Yeah," Beast Boy breathed into the sea air. He was smiling that hollow smile again. "Yeah, I think I did."
"No one can resist a Siren's call, Gar. That's what makes them so dangerous."
"But she wasn't just a siren, Rae. She was a person."
"She used you."
"And I let her!"
Silence. The sea pushed and pulled. The birds cried.
"I let her use me, Raven. I wanted her to have what she wanted, even though I knew on some level that what she wanted was destruction. I think I knew better than she did what she wanted and I helped her anyway."
"First of all, you did not let Zinara use you. No one can choose to be controlled, that's why they call it being controlled. You are her victim, willing or not, and the fact that you reached out to me proves it. Now," she continued, quieting his protests before they could start. "That's not to say that Zinara was a bad person. Even the best people with the best intentions leave victims in their wake. I've hurt others before with the intent to do harm, as have you. Zinara never meant for anyone to suffer. That doesn't make her innocent nor does it make her guilty. To blame someone for their faults is not the same thing as discounting their virtues."
"She didn't deserve to die," Beast Boy whispered, his grip tightening on the feather.
"You say that like it was a punishment."
"Wasn't it?" Bitterness tinged his voice, his gaze unwilling to meet hers.
"Death is natural and inevitable. It has no moral affiliations, regardless of what we mortals like to pretend. Like life it just is. Everything dies, Gar. The only meaning in that is what you make of it."
"Dude," Beast Boy sighed, rolling her a lazy, exasperated look. "I don't know what that means."
"One day you will die, and I will die, and this whole empire of humanity will come crumbling down."
"That's depressing-"
"However," she cut him off, catching his emerald eyes with her amethyst gaze. "We get to decide what we do before that happens. Will we be a force of good or of neglect? Will the world be a better place because we lived? Zinara lived for a long time, longer than either of us can imagine, and in that time who knows how many lives she touched? How many people did she inspire? How much good did she do? She had the chance to destroy everything, living and nonliving, yet she chose not to. She died with the hope you gave her."
Beast Boy blushed suddenly and turned away, still playing absently with the feather.
"I don't know if I can handle all this positivity from you," he joked, staring out to sea. The smile on his face didn't quite reach his eyes and, even though she was right next to him, he felt distant. Not convinced.
"Don't get used to it. The world is still a dark, bleak, meaningless place." The comment was intended to be funny in a sort of ironic way. She'd meant to joke back. He didn't think it was funny… Crap. "Gar?"
"I don't know…" He paused, licking his lips and frowning. Tracing the edge of his feather with his pointer. "I don't know that I disagree with that statement anymore. Or that I ever did. I mean, I thought I was the most optimistic guy around. I couldn't figure out why anyone would ever think something like that or want to destroy the world. But I guess I did all along…"
"Garfield," she sighed in frustration and empathy. "We've talked about this."
"He's a part of me Rae!" His eyes swung to her like a hammer and the force of their contact was jarring. She fought the urge to recoil and held his gaze, letting its heat wash over her and onto the rocks.
"He is one aspect, a single shard of your existence that doesn't believe the world is full of sunshine and rainbows. That doesn't define who you are."
"Doesn't it?! You and me, we're trying to be heroes and help people, but at the end of the day the world only sees the monsters. I'm not stupid; I know what people think of me. I notice that little kids don't come up to me on the street anymore, not since that whole Beast thing, and I know how hard Robin's working to keep my involvement in the "earthquake" out of the media. I get why he has to. But it's useless because eventually they're gonna find out that I'm a thief and a murderer and a traitor and that's all I'll be. All the world sees is your mistakes. Some part of me knew that before. Some part of me wonders why I'm bothering to be anyone but the person they think I am and I'm tired of pretending, Raven."
"So all those times you ran up to the roof to dance in the rain like an idiot, those days you spend as a chinchilla or bald cat or Pomeranian or any other number of unmanly creatures in the children's hospital, the time you spend playing video games with the inmates at the youth detention center, that was all just pretending?"
Beast Boy started chewing on his lip, refusing to remove his gaze from the sunlight on the waves. Raven felt like she should… oh, she didn't know, touch him, but didn't know how. So she continued, using the only form of intimacy she really understood.
"We all loose faith in this world at some point. And we all have our reasons. You, in particular, have several life-shattering events in your past. Your experiences, your actions, and yes, your mistakes, are all part of your identity; none of us can pretend otherwise. What makes you you is your determination to keep going, to keep hoping and seeing a nauseating amount of good in everything.
"I'm not going to tell you that the world isn't cruel and unforgiving or that it isn't made up of people, but Garfield you have to remember that people are not the world. That's been my mistake and frankly it was Zinara's too. There will always be small minds who point and scream and reduce you to a thing, but even they are just broken individuals looking for meaning in the wrong places. Most people are like us, small and fragile and flawed, but doing their best to be kind and make the world just a little less horrible. Of course you've noticed the gap between reality and the way things should be and of course you have scars, but you've never let them define you. What's different now?"
"I've never had my "scars" try to kill my friends and destroy the world before?"
"That thing didn't understand what it was doing or that its actions had consequences. It described itself merely as an emotional callous; all it knew was its objective and how to obtain it. It's a part of you, true, but only the part that never wants to be hurt again, at the cost of feeling anything at all."
"It's a monster."
The words fell into stagnate air like the clang of funeral bells. It was Raven's turn to chew her lip, inhaling heavily though her nose and staring out to sea. Beast Boy frowned in the sudden stillness, his gaze slipping to her, questioning. He couldn't fathom what there was to debate, yet at the same time he couldn't help feeling Raven's struggle. Sensing that she was… upset? Confused? Uncertain?
"It's a defense mechanism that was never meant to have a voice or control over your actions. A single face you never show to the world." She paused for a second, pressing her palms into the stone by her sides, then added: "In retrospect I relate to it, actually."
"Oh god, Rae, I'm sorry! I didn't- I mean-"
"It's okay, Gar." She gave him a small, rare smile. "This is how I am, the nature of what I am. I don't always feel… in control of my own actions. For most people that would be an exaggerated claim, but for me, because I'm different in the way that I am, my emotions can literally take over and the only way I have to prevent that from happening is to prevent myself from feeling too intently. So I've spent my life avoiding attachment, creating a system in which I would never hurt or be hurt. What I failed to realize, and what the Other outright denied, is that it's impossible to live free of attachments. Of course you can live in solitude, but somewhere along the line you put down roots. Get close to people or places or things. In a way it's those attachments, the ability to care about something other than yourself, that ultimately make you a person."
Beast Boy didn't know what to say to that, or if he was even expected or allowed to say anything. This candor and closeness was new since the whole Siren thing and neither quite knew what to make of it or how to proceed. So instead he reached for her hand, intent on holding it or something. But Raven started and flinched instinctively away from his touch. He crumbled at the rejection, his fingers dropping to the stone at his side as his gaze returned to the waves.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled, blushing again.
"No," said Raven, frowning and sighing as if to scold herself or consol some ashamed inner aspect. Her fingers unclenched in her lap and one hand moved stiffly to cover his. At that, he smiled genuinely, wiggling his fingers until they were interlaced with hers and shooting her a sideways look. She too was blushing. "I'm not… I don't do feelings or intimacy. It's not something I ever anticipated or prepared for. Frankly, I'm stunned we can even do this at all without my powers ripping out the seams of the universe. But I am trying."
"I know." They sat like that for another moment, just holding hands. Just being together. Gingerly, tentatively, he scooted closer to her side. "Is this okay?"
Raven smiled a little, amused smile. "Yes."
Beast Boy looped his arm around her shoulders, his fingers still interlaced with hers.
"Is this okay?"
"Yes."
Mischievous grin in place, he leaned in, bringing his face so close to hers that their noses brushed and she would've had to cross her eyes to look at him. Heat rushed through her body, but she didn't recoil.
"Is this okay?" Before she could respond he'd planted a peck on her cheek. Raven blinked in surprise, pulling back just enough to give him a mock-disapproving scowl. He chuckled, pleased with himself and, for now, content. God, it made her happy to feel his contentment. Truly, unabashedly, nonviolently happy. She brought herself a little closer to his side, capturing his lips with her own and allowing her eyes to close. It was a soft kiss, not timid, but not passionate either. Unlike the desperation of their previous intimacy, this moment was soft and safe and long. There was a future here, security and acceptance communicated as warmth through a thousand nerve endings. Trust in the language of vulnerability and fragility. When it was over, Raven rested her head against his chest, allowing herself to lean into him. Beast Boy chuckled again, his laughter rumbling against her ear.
"Why does it take the end of the world to get you in my arms?"
"I'm not a big a big fan of change," she answered with a shrug. "When you've set yourself up as a certain… type of person, it's hard to be different."
"Yeah," he sighed with a knowing nod. "Tell me about it."
"But we're more than just one way. Being seen the way you see me, feelings and all, frankly makes me very nervous. And yet I refuse to live in a world without you, exactly as you are, with all your nuances and faces and demons. It may take the end of the world to get me in your arms, but I am… happy, to be here."
He pulled away just a little, turning to look into her face. His expression was such a diverse mixture it was indecipherable.
"You really mean that," he stated, his voice as cryptic as his face. She blinked, slowly, almost catlike.
"I do."
"Say it again?"
"Gar Logan," she said with a cocked eyebrow and the slightest of grins. "I am happy to be in your arms."
"Wow," he breathed, smiling in wonder. "I never thought I'd hear that. Especially not from you." Then he caught himself and pulled back, forcing a laugh. "Guess even screw-up's like me get lucky once in a while. Or maybe it's that rule, you know, guy with the inner demons and tortured past always gets the girl-"
She pulled her hand from his and moved it to his cheek, her eyes like gems glinting in the light off the water.
"Don't pretend with me." Her voice was uncharacteristically soft, just a whisper above the waves. And yet… and yet it echoed in his mind, reverberating through the caverns of his soul, touching every hidden corner. "Not ever. This isn't a movie and we are not characters Garfield, we're people. I'm not some flower that wilts in the darkness; you're not going to scare me off with honesty."
"You sure about that?" He closed his eyes, leaning into her touch. "I chose you, Rae, but I… still wonder if this is some kind of dream. If one day you're going to wake up and realize what I am and that'll be the end."
"And you don't think I have the same fear?"
"It's different-"
"I have never flinched at your other sides and I will not start now. In life there are things we hide and things we share, I understand that better than most, and I trust you with those decisions. Now, if this is going to have any chance at success, I need you to hold the same trust in me. I need you to believe me when I say I don't care about 'what' you are; it's who you are that's important. Be who you are, all of who you are, and in return I will never play at something I'm not. It's going to be challenging; we have differing tastes and opinions. And I won't make any promises about never hurting you or any of that nonsense. But I, for my part, have to- no, want to try, even if it is insanity. That's something… one of the things for which we can thank Zinara."
Her fingers trailed down his neck and arm, coming to rest on the hand that continued to hold a single, long, dusty brown feather. Beast Boy broke eye contact, his gaze drifting downwards until it too came to rest on the feather, expression clouding. Raven could feel the warmth of his body, the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, and the lump in his throat that was holding back everything he wanted to say. She understood, at least to an extent, what that felt like, the nonsensical nature of emotions that surrounded such a complex loss. A part of her regretted bringing it up again, wishing they could just sweep the whole thing under to rug and move on to a very promising tomorrow. Alas, such could not be the case. Things under the rug tend to rot, to leak out in an unspoken, poisonous spurts. So she chose to speak, treading softly.
"I can't say I wish things had happened differently, because were that the case, I might not be with you now. She almost took you away and that is something I cannot condone and could not allow. But in so doing, she forced me to confront and reform my… understanding of myself. To become more open and honest about the importance of my emotions. Experiencing Zinara, brief as it was, has made me a better person."
"Me too," Beast Boy whispered with a small, sad smile. "I miss her Rae. I know it's crazy, but still…"
"It's not crazy, Gar. You two had a connection, a very intimate one, and there's no denying that she was unique."
"She thought we could all be really good friends. She wished things were different."
"Maybe in another life," Raven said, her amethyst eyes gliding up to catch his.
He licked his lips thoughtfully, then looked back out to the sea and stood up. Slowly, deliberately, he brought Zinara's feather to his face, giving it an intense look. A breeze tugged at the fibers, causing it to sway and wiggle in his grasp. His fingers rolled the shaft this way and that, causing the barbs to sparkle in the sunlight and the spine to bend in the wind. Raven got to her feet quietly, reaching out to entwine her fingers with his free hand, bringing her shoulder close to his.
"In another life," Beast Boy repeated. A strong updraft caught the feather and he let it go, allowing it to soar up and out across the waves. Silently, the two watched it loop through the air, glinting, dancing to a tune neither could hear but understood to be real nonetheless. It landed on the sea's surface, and then was gone from view. Only then did he turn his attention back to Raven, releasing her hand so he could cup her face and stare directly into her eyes.
"I love you, Raven," he murmured, just loud enough so that she could understand. Conviction layered his voice and his gaze was pure and unflinching. "And I know that you don't love me the same way right now, but it's alright. Just being able to say it, just being with you like this, is enough. Maybe things will work out, maybe they won't, but I'm sure about one thing: I want to stay with you. And I want to ask you to stay with me. Will you?"
Raven looked up at him with such unbridled relief he felt his insides melt. A smile twisted her lips as a sigh slipped through her nose, signaling relaxation throughout her entire body. Wordlessly, she brought her hands up from her sides, fingers combing through and entangling in his hair as she brought his face to hers. His hands dropped to her hips as their lips met, encircling her, pulling her close. At any moment an alarm could sound, duty could call, and the world could find itself once again in need of saving. Storms could gather and galaxies could collide. Life as they knew it could come to an end and it wouldn't matter. Beast Boy and Raven were together now. And together was how they intended to stay.