Loving

"Hi, Nora."

"Hi, Pat. How's the house coming?"

"Too slow, according to Mike" Elenora's new neighbour smiled.

"Come on then, with that box" the other half of the couple yelled from inside the house. Because there was no response he came out to see what took his girlfriend so long.

"Oh, hi Nora."

Mike set himself behind his girlfriend, hands on her hips. Looking at them suddenly made Elenora feel old.

"Don't let me keep you, then" she said with a faint smile before turning to her own front door.

It was little over a week ago that she hadn't been able to move past her own door mat. The day after, when she had got up – not remembering she'd dragged herself to bed – she had prompted herself to action. If Aaron had considered her to be nothing more than a business opportunity, a deal out of which she obviously couldn't have got anything other than pain, why shouldn't she do the same? She decided that for the moment the best way to look at it was that he'd presented her with the opportunity to clear her house of him. So she'd been carrying things in and, more often, out of the house which was how she'd connected to her new neighbours in the first place. With every day that went by she felt a little bit better but still far from good. A shattered heart, a torn up life, they didn't mend easily. But asking why, as painful as it had been, had also been the start of her healing process.

She put the groceries in the kitchen and slumped down to the couch. She had a headache. Closing her eyes was all it took for her to fall asleep.

About two hours later, she woke up. The sun was setting, the room was getting dusky. She turned onto her side and flipped a switch. The light made it possible for her to see the side table and what was on it. She smiled. She had framed the photo of her and James. It both hurt and helped her to look at it. He had called her parents the day after to ask how she was doing, only to discover she'd gone home. He hadn't called her directly, though. No wonder they had never got together, if taking initiative wasn't part of the equation. But she should now, shouldn't she? She should at least thank him for saving her. And maybe he could help her regain her ground by recounting some of their shared history. If he wanted to, if he could. She'd made up her mind, she was going to see him. And now was as good a time as any.

"Let's call it a day, hea. Get your coat, I'll take you home."

Hathaway looked at his governor quizzically. Where was this coming from?

Lewis looked back at him. It showed that Hathaway still wasn't sleeping very well. He just wanted to make sure his sergeant got home safe and wouldn't stay in the office till late like he had before.

Without saying a word, Hathaway got up and did as he was told. He was too tired to protest, to find the right arguments to convince Lewis he was fine. Besides, if Lewis gaze was anything to go by he wouldn't succeed anyway. So he just complied.

"Thank you, sir" Hathaway said as he got out of the car, just a few yards away from his own front door.

Lewis nodded but didn't leave immediately. He waited for his sergeant to turn the corner onto the path to his front door. Just as he was about to pull out, Hathaway stopped dead in his tracks. Lewis wondered why but for some reason getting out and checking seemed like the wrong thing to do. There was something in his sergeant's body language that told him it wasn't anything serious he'd stumbled across. But to set his mind at ease, he drove past slowly. Seeing her was all the information he needed. Hathaway would be perfectly fine.

Elenora heard a voice and a car door being shut, footsteps coming her way as she got up off the steps leading to his front door and waited for him to turn the corner.

There she was, standing outside his house, his home. It was the unexpectedness of it that made him stop and stare. Because she was in fact very welcome, in his home as well as in his heart.

She smiled and he smiled back at her. They greeted each other the way they had before, her cheeks cold this time from standing outside for some time.

"Have you been waiting here long?" Hathaway asked.

Elenora shook her head, unable to speak with just a couple of inches between them. It felt like their eyes were glued to one another. Nothing was said. Until she shivered.

"Do you want to come in?"

She nodded. "Yes, please."

He opened the door and let them in. Once he'd hung their coats, he showed her the way to the living area, all in complete and utter silence. She looked around before turning back to him.

He was startled by her beauty once again. Even though she was still a little pale, she had more colour on her cheeks than the last time he'd seen her. Nevertheless, asking her how she was seemed to be too big of a question just yet. But he had to say something.

"Er, can I get you anything?"

It was meant to break the mesmerizing silence, nothing more. If she said yes, he'd actually need to think of his next action because her presence seemed to have shut down his normal operating system. But then he had another thought.

"Have you had dinner yet?"

The question caught her by surprise as she was studying his features; his impeccably modelled blond hair, his caring grey eyes, his soft smile, the ghost of stubble on his chin.

"As a matter of fact, no, I haven't."

"Then let me fix us something" he proposed and went into the open kitchen.

"Anything I can help you with?" Elenora offered.

Hathaway threw his jacket over a nearby chair, untied his tie and rolled up his sleeves.

"No, thanks. Have a wander around if you like."

She smiled and turned to his bookcase instantly.

Whilst Hathaway was cooking, every now and then he looked up to check on her, to convince himself she really was there. He witnessed her sliding her small delicate fingers across his bookshelves, her head tilted to read the titles. He caught her smiling at his CD collection and contemplating his chess game. And every time his love for her grew a little.

Elenora noticed James watched her walk around his flat and it felt so completely different from the way Aaron used to watch her that it hurt. How could she have been so…? She pushed the thought away. There was no place for Aaron here and certainly not tonight. She met Hathaway's eyes, watching her again.

He saw what she didn't want him to see, the fact that her eyes had become a little misty, and his heart ached. She was clearly in pain but he would do anything to make her forget that, if only for tonight.

"Dinner's almost ready, could you…?"

"Sure." She walked over to set the table with the things he handed her and sat down, ready for him to serve.

"Smells good" Elenora complimented as Hathaway set her plate in front of her.

"Hope it tastes good too" he replied with a smile.

It did. They ate, mostly in silence. He found it hard to concentrate on his food, his eyes just kept wandering off to her. She on the other hand tried very hard not to look at him eat, mesmerized by his movements.

"Found anything interesting among my books?" he asked, trying to start a simple conversation.

"Just that I have some of them too. But I guess that was to be expected." She paused. "Will you tell me about it, later? About before…"

"Of course." He'd tell her everything, if she wanted to know.

She nodded gratefully and went back to her food.

"Can I offer you one glass of wine?" Hathaway asked after they had cleared everything dinner related.

Elenora looked at him, puzzled. It seemed like a strange question, especially because he stressed the word one. However, the twinkle in his eyes gave it away.

"There's a story here, isn't there?" His smile widened. "Tell me, please."

"Can I…?"

"Yes, if you tell me."

He turned and went to the kitchen to open a bottle, leaving her to pick a seat. She hesitated. Even though the couch was big enough to seat them both while still leaving room in between, she opted for the chair. It seemed silly not sit at a couch because a man was going to sit at that same couch, a man she trusted and cared for, but she just couldn't do it. Yet.

When he came back, Hathaway noticed her choice and couldn't help but feel a little sting. Then he realized why, remembering things Aaron had said during his interview. He shook his head, he shouldn't think about that right now. He would have asked her anyway if it was okay to sit next to her. He knew she needed time to get back on her own two feet and he was dedicated to giving it to her. For the moment, she had just made things easier for the both of them.

He handed Elenora her glass and set himself down in the corner of the couch facing her. He smiled, seeing how curious she was about the story behind the one glass. But he kept his mouth shut just a little bit longer.

"So, tell me." When his grin just broadened, she got scared.

"Is this going to be embarrassing? Did I use to drink a lot? Do crazy things? Please, tell me."

"No, nothing like that" he admitted. "Though it might be embarrassing. For me. Do you…" he stopped, shocked by was about to say.

"Remember" she finished the sentence. "It's okay to use the word, James, it's a Standard English word for referring to the act of thinking of something again. Though in my experience, people use the phrase "do you remember" not so much as a question but as an introduction to a story. Which is what you were about to do. The fact that I probably can't remember is irrelevant in that case. Besides, I've accepted it. Doesn't mean I wouldn't like to hear what it was like for others…" she hinted.

Hathaway was stunned. How could he ever have been so stupid to let her go? It all became clear to him with her simple explanation of the word remember. Elenora Hartly was amazing, always had been and always would be, no matter what life threw at her. She might have changed due to the circumstances but she still was funny and witty and clever and friendly and gentle and kind and understanding and beautiful and… Oh, he could go on for ages! Because he was in fact in love with her, had been from the first day they'd met and would be till his dying breath. And now she just sat there, waiting for him to tell her some bits of their shared history.

"You had this thing with one" he started. "Never ever have I seen you drink more than one glass of wine. Whenever we went out, wherever we were, you always had just the one, no more. Tom and I on the other hand…"

"I had to drag you back to the college, sometimes, did I?" Elenora laughed.

"On one or two occasions, yes. But it wasn't that bad" he defended.

"And do you know why I did that, just the one glass?"

"No, I actually never asked you why. At a certain point it just didn't matter anymore, it had become an uncontested fact."

"Sounds to me like I had a touch of OCD, which would also explain why there are all this perfectly labelled boxes in my attic."

Now it was Hathaway's turn to laugh.

"You had no OCD" he stated.

"My room was a mess?"

"No, it was tidy but…" she interrupted him.

"You see!"

He just shook his head and laughed. She laughed with him.

"You said, "Tom and I," would I be correct in thinking this is the Tom who took the photo?" She pointed her finger toward the table where she'd caught a glimpse of it.

Hathaway got up to retrieve it.

"You mean this one?" She nodded. "Yeah, that would be one and the same."

"Are you still in contact?"

"Yes. I spent last Christmas with him and his family, when he told me to stay away from you."

Elenora was surprised by his honesty, almost just as surprised as Hathaway himself was. Asking why would have been unnecessarily painful but there was one thing she still needed to say. And this was the perfect moment.

"I'm glad you didn't. I never would have got to the truth if it weren't for you. I'm very grateful for that." She found his eyes. "Thank you, James."

They fell silent, as if the moment was too sacred to be tainted by speech.

As the evening progressed, their topics of conversation got more diverse; not only their shared past but also the present was discussed. When they didn't talk for a moment a companionable silence filled up the room. The current one didn't last long though, because Hathaway ventured a question.

"What, if anything, do you remember of university?"

He watched her reaction closely for any signs of distress or discomfort. He didn't want to push her.

Elenora didn't answer immediately. She picked up her glass of the table, still just the one, and took a sip contemplating if what she was going to say was worth mentioning. With her eyes trained on the last bit of wine in her glass, she said quietly

"I don't know, I'm not sure. Maybe… maybe it's just something my messed up mind made up. But I kept having this dream. The surrounding scenery isn't clear at all, just contours of what I think are university buildings because they somewhat resemble the university buildings here in Oxford. Also the fact that I'm there with a lot of other people just like me seems to indicate to me that this is in fact university related." She sighed and closed her eyes. "Anyway, I'm lying on a stretch of green, grass I think, on a checked blanket sort of thing looking up at the sunny sky. Only I can't see the sky directly because the view is blocked by a tree above my head whose leaves filter the rays of sun that reach me. Then I get the feeling that there are other people around, sometimes a lot, sometimes just a few. I can't see them and they disappear along the way until there's only one left. He or she is next to me but I can't turn my head or sit up to see who it is. All I know is that there is someone because I can see a human like shape. Only he or she never gets a face. And then there's the sound of thunder and a massive amount of rain that fades the image, washes it all away like it never existed."

She opened her eyes and had to blink to regain a clear view of her glass. Aaron had always insisted this was nothing, saying it "probably was a scene her brain had copied from a film," but as she met James' eyes again she knew it was definitely something.

He was blown away, his beliefs questioned. How could this be? They had been sitting or lying there so many times with other people, sometimes as many as ten, sometimes just with Tom. But what she remembered was the only time they had been there all by themselves, two weeks before graduation, when he had finally worked up the courage to tell her how he felt. Only to have it shot down by a thunderstorm which he'd taken as a sign, a sign he shouldn't tell her, a sign he should let her go. And he had, regretfully. However, they were right back at that same moment and he felt he was given a second chance. A chance to love.

She witnessed the change in his face as he sat there processing her dream and realized he was about to tread waters she wasn't ready to face yet. She would drown all over again, no matter how sincere his feelings were. She needed to get her own life back on track before she could even begin to think about sharing it with someone else again. She needed a way out of the tension that build up in the room and found it in her hand. She emptied her glass of wine and put it back on the table.

"I should go."

She stood up to reinforce her intention, both to herself and to James, and could only hope he wouldn't stop her.

As much as Hathaway wanted Elenora to stay, he also saw that she was tired, worn out even. On top of that he thought he saw fear in her eyes. Surely she wasn't afraid of him? There was too much going on inside his head to properly stop her from leaving. So he followed her to the hallway, held her coat so she could slip in and opened the door for her.

With one foot out the door, Elenora turned to look at James one last time. She didn't know what to say, how to explain herself. She just needed to leave. But all of a sudden she found herself caressing his lips with her own ever so lightly.

"Stay."

It wasn't a question, it wasn't a request, it wasn't a plea; it came straight from his heart. And she had a hard time countering it. Tears started to well up in her eyes as she spoke.

"This is all I'm capable of right now. I can't handle anything else."

A tear appeared on her cheek. Hathaway took her hand in his like he would a feather and wiped the teardrop away with the thumb of his other hand.

"I don't need more. I don't need anything else than to know that you're here with me."

Slowly Elenora lifted her foot up and stepped inside.