A/N: Thanks for everyone's patience with my chapter snafu. Hope the next chapters make up for that. Enjoy and don't forget to review as Momma needs her brain candy.
Disclaimer: I don't own BBT, but I like to take them out to play.
The next morning, Sheldon woke up on the love seat with his head in an awkward position. It took a minute for him to get his bearings together before he remembered why he was there.
The fight with Amy…coming back to an empty house…seeing Amy and kissing her senseless…making tea in the kitchen…the two moving into the living room with the intention of talking things out after each got their thoughts together.
Unfortunately for both, the events in the last 48 hours fried out their mental energy. Before they could get into their feelings, both scientists fell asleep in the living room.
He should have felt better now that he got his feelings out, but Sheldon was still reeling from the intensity of the fight in the kitchen. It was like a cork was popped in both of them as they spilled words that alternated between loving and vitriol. It reminded him of life with his family growing up.
Sometimes, he would have a flash of seeing his parents kissing in the kitchen. His mother was sitting on his father's lap and both were laughing. He was certain it was something that was buried in the back of his eidetic memory and not a fantasy.
Unfortunately, that flash was usually pushed aside as he remembered the fights.
Sometimes, it was just screaming insults at each other. Other times, Sheldon remembered his name being mentioned by his father in a tone dripping with derision and annoyance, followed by his mother countering with something Junior did and how he took after his father.
Occasionally, the fights got physical. His mother's size belied what his Pop Pop called her 'scrapper' nature as he remembered seeing her push his father back into a wall or onto the floor in response to an action he did to her.
As he got older, the fights were tinged with the stench of alcohol, cheap ladies' perfume, cigarettes, or holy water. He could remember a time or two when even Junior would look worried as the three Cooper children sat at the top of the stairs scared of what might happen next.
Watching his parents' marriage self-destruct led him to make a vow to never let himself get sidetracked by love, hippie feelings, or by a person who could rip him apart like George and Mary Cooper could do to each other.
It was an easy vow to maintain as he never got sidetracked by hormones like his counterparts did and he had the sweetness of knowledge to keep him company. He would see girls at Rice University and later at CalTech, but he never felt a connection to anyone. Of course, there were those girls, the ones who were what Leonard once called a nocturnal emission, but he didn't see the attraction. He never thought he was abnormal, but that everyone else was.
He remembered the day and time that his life changed… Saturday, May 24, 2010 at 4:29:46 PM. His friends Howard and Raj strong armed into a blind date at a coffee shop with the threat of hidden dirty laundry in his apartment. That dirty sock ended up being his lifesaver when he met the vixen who turned his quiet, simple world of science upside down.
Amy Farrah Fowler…the girl named after her mother's middle name and an actress named Farrah Fawcett, who he remembered from that movie Howard made him watch one night, Logan's Run. He saw a poster of her once years earlier in one of his former roommate's bedroom, but couldn't see what the attraction was as she looked very cold posing in that red bathing suit.
For the first time in his life, he could be himself without someone looking at him like he was a freak or with derision. They talked about everything under the sun from antidisestablishmentarianism to how Mexican food had been bastardized in America. Sheldon thought nothing would ever change.
However, change did come, albeit slowly at first. The first time was the night he went out with the girls after Priya destroyed his Roommate Agreement. After getting into a cab with the three inebriated females, the neuroscientist started singing about kissing a girl. For some reason, he was afraid Amy may be a lesbian or worse, had the weird feelings again that she had for the troglodyte Zack. However to his secret relief, he was assured otherwise by the fascinating kiss she placed on his lips that night before she vomited.
Their friendship reset and proceeded as normal, but he knew after that kiss there was more than friendship there so he started preparing the Relationship Agreement that sat in the back of his mind for a long time. His had barely finished it when Amy felt the need to have dates with other men. Sheldon knew he couldn't take the chance of any person, especially someone who specialized in the selling of picture books, to take her away from him.
He thought things were set with their signing of the agreement, but change was coming much quicker as he realized being a boyfriend was a lot of work. It got more frustrating when thanks to the encouragement of her bestie and fellow scientist, Amy showed signs that she was interested in more than his mind. In her quest, she had always tried to push him past his comfort zone…like she was trying to change him into Leonard or a regular guy.
He felt betrayed sometimes, but everyone else said he was in the wrong and his feelings didn't count. 'So it had to be him, right?' He thought.
From what he witnessed with Penny and Leonard or Howard and Bernadette, the man had to yield to the woman and anything they felt had to be pushed aside. This brought to the question of his treatment of Amy over the last few years, which even had to admit, should have been better.
Was it resentment that pushed him to take an indifferent attitude to Amy? Or was it fear that he would lose himself down a path in which the sweet life of science is pushed aside for an eventual one of anger and bitterness if he admitted how strongly he felt? Was it possible to love science and a woman?
Soon after they signed the Relationship Agreement, he was shocked when he began to have moments when he craved physical contact, but only with Amy. The longer they were together, the more difficult it was to control his urges. He barely held himself back when he helped bathe her when she was sick. The peek he got when she was naked before she entered the bath was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He hated being lied to, but spanking her gave him a chance to feel those beautiful buttocks.
One night shortly afterwards, he finally admitted privately to Leonard that if Amy ever invoked the termination clause of the Relationship Agreement, he would wither away and die, metaphorically and possibly physically. But as much as he wanted to get closer to her, he was afraid of the consequences. If they ever became connected physically, would they turn into Leonard and Penny? Howard and Bernadette? His parents?
No, he couldn't risk that. When the times of weakness came upon him, he used indifference as a way to shield himself. He wasn't ignorant, though of the look of disappointment on his girlfriend's face. Each time he had his moments of guilt and pain, but unfortunately, that was the way it had to be.
He was able to ignore his yearnings until the fight on the train. The fight that was supposed make his point to Amy but instead made him vulnerable as he kissed her…and liked it. As much as he tried, he couldn't push his feelings away this time.
Instead of freeing him, it angered him more to be a slave to his urges like his friends and it took all he had not to take that out on his girlfriend. However, Amy still needed to be treated with respect and admiration. It wasn't her fault she was such an appealing vixen.
A short time later, he was surprised to discover that once he stopped running from intimacy or didn't feel like he had to work to someone's expectations that he enjoyed the kissing, the cuddling, and the easy affection when they were alone. He was sure he liked them more than Halo or paintball with the guys.
But life got in the way as String Theory was proved as a waste, he couldn't change his study without losing his job, Leonard and Penny asked him to move out of HIS apartment so they could fornicate without him around, his girlfriend wanted to move in with him, and then his comic store and sanctuary burned down. It was just too much and he ran away to escape. However, it made things worse as he realized that he could still lose everything.
Which brought him back to his original thought...Amy.
He was tired of being afraid, so he said those words...the three words that were supposed to solve everything. He thought things would go back to normal, but it didn't. Now he knew better as he realized that there was always a wall between them. Over the years, cracks had formed with the biggest one after their make out session in the tree house, but it was still strong.
He loved her. More than Spock…more than his spot. If it was anything like Meamaw had with Pop Pop, it scared the dickens out of him, but he also didn't want to lose it.
But he obviously sucked at being a boyfriend. Yeah, they had their relationship agreement, but no one else he knew had one. Some made fun of them for it, but he always thought it was his way to show Amy that they were bonded together and he would always be there for her.
But he obviously wasn't there for her if her friends were telling her to have him 'step up his game'. He wanted to give Amy nothing but the best, but were his fears driving her away instead?
He turned to his right and to his surprise, the other side of the love seat was empty. Hearing a slam of the back door, he got up and walked to the kitchen.
Amy was sitting on the back porch watching the sunrise. It was so quiet and peaceful that on any other day she would do nothing more than grab a cup of tea and relax as she enjoyed the moment. That day would not be today.
She woke up an hour earlier feeling disoriented. When she got her faculties, she realized that she fell asleep on the love seat with Sheldon in her clothes. As the colors changed from a beautiful burnt orange to the beginnings of yellow and blue, she thought about everything that happened yesterday.
Her day had started with a dream about her father. It was dark except for his face and all she could hear was his voice saying he loved her. Somehow she felt herself being pulled away when all she wanted to do was to stay with him.
She woke up in a vice and after a struggle, broke free. When she completely awakened, she realized that the vice was Sheldon and she almost knocked her poor boyfriend off the bed. She could see the worry in his eyes when he asked if she wanted to talk about the dream.
She couldn't…..it was too terrifying.
It felt so real to her, like it was trying to tell her something. She didn't understand why she was thinking of her father now. He died over seventeen years ago, but after years of being simply a chapter in her history, today it felt as fresh as it did in 1998. She remembered what Meamaw said to her yesterday, but blew it off. Yes, the anniversary of his death was around when Sheldon left, but the scientist in her stated that one didn't have anything to do with the other.
It had put a pall on her morning, but she was determined to be there for Sheldon and his family. Her day brightened considerably by playing on the tire swing and then her time with her boyfriend in the tree house. Her sexy praying mantis made her body sing one hundred times over Gerard's best and he only got to second base. God only knows what fireworks they would have created if they got further before Sheldon panicked.
Meeting Meamaw was the best part of the day. Her grandparents were all over 65 when she was born due to her parents being older. She didn't see much of either set growing up and by the time she reached the age of ten, all were dead. She envied her boyfriend the opportunity to have this magnificent woman in his life. Immediately, the elder woman made her feel at home. She confided in her with an ease that she never felt with anyone except Sheldon, including about her parents, which was a hard subject to talk about.
She was scared when Mary was giving her the third degree about her life and humiliated her with the birth control pills she couldn't find earlier. Thinking about what happened with Junior caused a chill to travel up her spine, but she was okay and that is what mattered.
The way Sheldon stood up for her….it was….like a dream come true. What girl doesn't dream of a man who will metaphorically slay the dragon to protect her?
Then she remembered the fight. Her angry words. His tear stained confessions.
"But you abandoned me. You…left…me…behind!"
"You left me behind!"
She remembered everything Sheldon said, but those four words kept reverberating in her mind. She sat and thought about their pair-bond after they signed the Relationship Agreement almost three years ago and how far they had come.
He hated hand holding, but started to do it after it gave him comfort when Howard went into space. He bitched about it, but always did it when she requested it.
He despised cuddling, but was willing to do for her as a compromise between a head pat and torrid sex after she felt rejected by Penny and Bernadette when they shopped for bridesmaid dresses without her. The last year or so, when they were alone he always put his arm around her like when they watched French movies at her apartment.
The first kiss he initiated was out of anger, some of it she had to admit was justified. However, it was he who wanted it added to the Relationship Agreement. Their date nights since always ended in a kiss, but she caught him staring at her lips more than once on non-Date Nights.
She knew that she had a right to feel taken for granted, because he did that to her more often than not, but since the kiss on the train, he did make more of an effort to show how much he cared for her.
She had a right to feel like she was always in second, third, or whatever place in his life, because he put her there after Star Trek, gaming with the guys, and other activities. However, he did tell her that he wished she was in Texas with him when Noah was born. He didn't wish the same for his friends.
She had a right to feel sad because things usually had to accommodate him, but she noted that over the years together, Sheldon attempted to be more considerate of her needs, although he struck out more times than not.
As she thought more about Sheldon's words last night, the sadder she became as hard truths became evident. 'Did I really ignore all of his concerns? Was I really that selfish?'
Amy knew what she was getting into when she agreed to be with Sheldon. At the time they started dating, she was comfortable with their lack of intimacy. Over time, her needs did change with the unfortunate consequence that her eagerness to explore the boundaries of intimacy was light years ahead of her boyfriend.
She had a right to want more romance in her relationship. However, she didn't have a right to demand her boyfriend to conform just because she evolved her way of thinking in regards to their relationship. Using subterfuge to get what she wanted like she did on Valentine's Day and getting mad when it didn't turn out as she wished was also not fair.
With that thought, she also realized that she didn't have the right to pressure her boyfriend into an intimacy he was obviously not ready for. She shouldn't have listened to social convention when it dictated that they should be having coitus after a certain amount of time or how a proper couple conducts their pair-bond.
As she remembered what he said during their argument yesterday, she realized that that he was correct when he said that she always got what she wanted in time with his blessing….as long as she didn't put the screws to him.
However, she was so caught up in her quest for the perfect romantic boyfriend she never took the time to see past her own frustrations. How discouraged and sad Sheldon must have felt to have his efforts to please her not appreciated.
Neither should she have listened to her friends when the two blondes advised her that Sheldon and herself needed to have a relationship like the ones they had with Leonard and Howard respectively.
As she considered her last thought, it came to her that both of those relationships had flaws in them that she never had with Sheldon. Neither she nor Sheldon were needy to the point of suffocation. They didn't feel the need to hoard one's income over the other or point out the other's flaws in a critical manner in a weird attempt to gain the upper hand with the other.
"Oh…oh….oh…why the hell did I use those relationships as a yardstick to how Sheldon and I are supposed to be?" She lamented as she put her face in her hands.
The thought of relationships eventually drifted to a place she didn't want to go. Her parents.
People say their parental units are to be one's role models in how to have relationships as an adult. Per the experts, angry fighting as communication was not healthy. However, she would have preferred fights to the silence that greeted her on the occasions when Robert and Carrie Fowler were in the same room together. There had to be love in the beginning, at least she hoped.
Her father told her years earlier about how they met at USC when she was in human resources and he was a researcher. The woman he described seemed different than the woman who raised her. After Amy was born, her mother became a stay at home mother because her parents felt she needed to have someone at home. It was good in theory, but it always seemed that her mother consumed her life when to the point of keeping her home to study or to spend time with her at the cost of a social life.
"Amy, you don't need those sluts as friends. I'm the only friend you need."
"Those Girl Scouts are mere streetwalkers in the making. The two of us can do better than that."
"Amy, society doesn't accept anyone who will not conform to expected behavior. You need to change your attitude or no man will be around to take care of you when I'm gone."
"Don't listen to your father. Science is not a field for women to study. Besides, a woman's place is beside her husband."
Her relationship with her father was always close. No matter what he was working on, he tried to make time for her. Her favorite times were when she would visit with him at his lab.
Whenever she spent time with her dad doing anything related to science or anything that was not up to her approval, her mother was angry, but Amy didn't care. Times with her mother were spent in lectures about proper behavior, stupid garden parties where she brown-nosed with influential people at USC to raise her father's profile, and activities that Carrie Fowler were more important, such as attempting important 'friendships' for her with the daughters of prominent Glendale citizens, which always ended in disaster.
She knew her father didn't approve and would try to intervene, but he wasn't always home to stop her. More than once, she heard her father yell at her mother for living through their daughter.
More than once, she heard her mother accuse her father of having an affair. She didn't know if it was true, but years of contemplation made her realize that while he may not have always the best husband, he was an excellent father. There would always be a rip in her heart from her father's loss, but she got over it, right?
Of course she did…maybe…of course. Talking about loss is a waste of time and brings up feelings and emotions that could start a powder keg with a potential mate. As is repeating history every generation.
Suddenly, a light bulb went off as she came to a realization.
Was that it?
Was it her fear of becoming her parents that was making her afraid? Was that why she pushed the one thing that scared her boyfriend onto him over the years?
She knew one thing. She didn't want to be her mother, all bitter and alone. She wanted to have a future with Sheldon…maybe a family of benign overlords.
To do that, they needed to get all their cards on the table, so to speak. Maybe…just maybe…they could help each other.
She picked up her mug for more tea and only got two drops. Deciding she wanted more, she got up and opened the back door into the kitchen. She looked at the center island and got shivers just being near where she fought with Sheldon the night before.
Attempting to hurry, she grabbed another tea bag and put in the cup before setting it down and adding more water. She was about to turn around when she heard it.
"Amy"