The House of Mouse
September 8, 2008...

"What was I thinking?!"

With eyes bulging and face twisting in nausea, Max Goof paced back and forth behind his podium. Sweat blossomed in the armpits of his T-shirt and made his puffed-up bangs sag.

"How the hell did I get myself into this? I'm freakin'! I haven't even practiced, I haven't had a warm-up game, there's 2,500 people out there, and I couldn't even change into my valet vest!"

Beast put a paw on Max's shoulder. "Max, I'm not happy with the arrangement, either, but you need to calm down..."

"CALM? How am I gonna be calm?! Everyone I know is out there. All the people I parked cars for are out there. My Jeopardy! heroes are out there—Tod, Gantu, Tigger, O'Malley—and that's not even mentioning Rabbit, my Jeopardy! idol! This is what my legacy's gonna be: First episode of Jeopardy! Live, and I'm destined to lose—that's assuming I don't puke first!"

"They're your friends," the chimera said gently. "And so am I. No matter what happens tonight, we'll always be your friends."

Max shot a cold glare over his shoulder and saw the third contestant. He was tousling his mane and looking as smug as ever.

"Yeah, most of you are," Max muttered coldly.

"Forget about him. He's too far gone," Beast said. "All his fame went to his head; he stopped being our friend years ago."

"Heads up, everyone," Daisy said. "We're going on the air in five...four...three—"

Max tried to show a smile, but his head went wobbly and he laid a paw on his stomach. "Oh, man...I still feel like I'm gonna puke..."

"You'd better hold it in," Beast said. "We're on."

The bass-drum-and-strings music pounded across the House of Mouse, and the huge screen lit up with squares flying through space. Over the music, Johnny Gilbert smiled and said: "Live, from the House of Mouse: This…is…Jeopardy!"

The music began to soar, and the crowd cheered as a camera soared over their heads.

"Let's meet today's contestants:

"A prince and a ballroom dancer from Bourgade-en-Provence, France: Beast.

"A retired athlete, originally from Spoonerville, Ohio: Max Goof.

"And our returning champion: the King of Pride Rock, and a musician from the Pride Lands: Simba, whose 79-day cash winnings total $2,986,800.

"And now, here is the host of Jeopardy!—Alex Trebek!"

And with a mighty cheer, the audience went onto its feet as Alex came out from the wings, giving everyone a wave and a modest smile.

"Thank you, everyone, and thank you, Johnny Gilbert. Over the years, cartoons have had a reputation for being unintelligent, but things have changed. In the last four seasons, we've watched the people and animals we all grew up with make their place in Jeopardy! history. Tigger, our first ever Jeopardy! champion, won 5 straight games and the Tournament of Champions. Rabbit became our first $1 million-dollar champion with a streak of 53 games. And Simba? Well, he's turned out to be quite the champion. He has surpassed Ken Jennings in both wins and winnings. And now, he's embarking on his 80th victory, and he could be the first $3 million winner of any version of Jeopardy in the world—"

He was cut off by a roar of applause and shrill cheers from Simba's fans, and the King of Jeopardy gave the camera another grin.

"But he's up against some tough competition," Alex said. "Beast was formidable in the warm-up games, and I've been told that Max has been studying for the last four years. And since it's the first live episode of Jeopardy!, it's going to be especially interesting to see how they perform.

"Gentlemen, pick up your signaling devices: Here comes the Jeopardy round."

On cue, Alex turned to the board, and the dollar amounts appeared to the rhythm of the touch tones.

"There's one Daily Double hidden among these categories:

"Books & Authors…1953…Songs by Their First Lines…En-Light-En Me…United…and, finally, States.

"Simba, you're our reigning champion. Make a selection."

"Songs by Their First Lines, $1000."

The clue swelled to fill the screen.

"'Edie Brickell: "I'm not aware of too many things / I know what I know, if you know what I mean."'

"Simba?"

"What is 'What I Am'?"

"Good."

"Songs, $800."

"'Alanis Morissette: "I'm broke, but I'm happy / I'm poor, but I'm kind."'

"Simba?"

"What is 'Hand in My Pocket'?"

"Yep."

"Songs, $600."

"'Elvis Presley: "Wise men say only fools rush in.'''

"Simba."

"What is 'Can't Help Falling in Love'?"

"Right."

"Songs, $400."

"'Gavin Rossdale: "A thousand times I've seen you standing / Gravity like lunar landing."'

"Simba."

"What is 'Love Remains the Same'?"

"Correct."

"Songs, $200."

"'Elton John: "I remember when rock was young / Me and Susie had so much fun."'

"Simba again."

"What is 'Crocodile Rock'?"

"You ran the category."

A loud ovation broke across the house, and everyone heard Timon and Pumbaa whooping and hollering in the front row.

"That's the 200th category you've run. Select again."

"Books & Authors, $1000."

"'In 2003, Christopher Paolini's novel about a boy and a dragon was a New York Times Bestseller; so was this 2005 sequel.'

"Max?"

The canine saw his face on screen and went blank. "What's…Eldest?"

"Just in time, and you're on the board."

He sighed and held a hand to his stomach. "Books & Authors for $800, please."

"'Three children travel to the edge of the world in this seafaring Chronicle of Narnia.'

"Simba?"

"What's The Voyage of the Dawn Treader?"

"That's it."

"Books, $600."

"'This self-help manual by Dale Carnegie was supposed to make people like you, but Sinclair Lewis called it an exercise in manipulation.'

"Simba?"

"What is How to Make Friends and Influence People?"

"No."

Simba's face twisted in confusion.

"Beast?"

"What is How to Win Friends and Influence People?"

"That's the one."

"1953 for $1000."

"'January 5: This play makes its debut in Paris; the title character didn't show up, and (spoiler) he still hasn't.'

"Beast?"

"What is Waiting for Godot?"

"Good."

"1953 for $800."

"'June 19: Charged with a crime "worse than murder," they're the first Americans executed for espionage.'

"Simba?"

"Who are Julius and Ethel Rosenberg?"

"Right."

"1953, $600."

"'January 19: The title character of this sitcom delivers her baby boy.'

"Beast?"

"What is I Love Lucy?"

"Yep. Everyone likes Ike, but they love Lucy."

"1953 for $400."

"'June 2: God save the Queen! She's just been crowned.'

"Simba?"

"Who's Queen Elizabeth II?"

"Yes."

"1953, $200."

"'May 29: Edmund Hillary and Tenzig Norgay conquer this Himalayan peak.'

"Simba?"

"What is Mt. Everest?"

"Right."

"En-Light-En Me, $1000."

"Players, take a look at the screen.

"'It's the phenomenon of this glow-in-the-dark clock, where the hands and numbers absorb light and release it at a different wavelength.'

"Simba?"

"What is phosphorescence?"

"$1,000 more for you."

"En-Light-En Me, $800."

"'From the Latin for 'whiteness,' it's the amount of light reflected off an object: almost 100% for snow, almost 0% for water.'

"Simba."

"What is albedo?"

"Correct, and that takes you up to $6,400. Quite a commanding lead. Beast is in second with $2,200, and Max is in third with $1,000. We'll talk with our contestants and finish the round when we come back."

The music soared and the audience cheered, and Max and Beast sighed and leaned against their podiums.

"Five minutes, and I'm already screwed," Max said. "I can't believe I froze up like that."

"An hour ago, I knew how this worked," Beast rumbled as he stared at the buzzer in his paw. "Apparently, those practice games were for nothing."

"At least you had those. I didn't even get a chance to change outta my shirt. I was sitting out in the audience when the producers came up to me and said, 'Professor Mathews was in an accident on the 421, and he's in the ICU. We randomly picked a fill-in contestant, and it's you.'"

"You could have said no," Beast said. "But if you had, I wouldn't have been playing against my best friend."

Max ignored him. "When am I ever gonna learn? Last time I got full of myself, I—"

"That was five years ago. You're not who you were. And you didn't get on Jeopardy! to stroke your ego. You did it because you'll never have another chance like this again."

Max sighed again and shook his head in resignation. "Yeah, I know. I knew this was too good to pass up. And I would have gotten all those questions right if only I could've rung in on time. I just don't want my friends thinking I'm an idiot, and they will if I lose."

Simba turned to Max. "Then maybe they're not your friends," the lion said. "Beast is right: They ought to love you, no matter how you do. They're still gonna have your back when you wind up in last place."

Max's face warped in anger. "You know, I've been wanting to say this for the last 16 weeks: As a player, you're awesome. As a contestant, you suck."

"Come on, it's just trash talk. If you can't handle it, try out for Wheel of Fortune."

"...What?!"

"Yeah! Spin the wheel, and everybody claps for you. That'll take some of the pressure off."

Max snickered. "That's how you've won so many games, isn't it? You come in here acting like you're better than Jesus, and you trash-talk your opponents so much, they're a helpless mess. And I'll tell you something: If your f—"

"Heads up!" Daisy said. "We're coming back in five...four...three...roll music!"

Max nodded sheepishly at her, then glanced away and felt something else well up in him. It was a simmering anger so strong that any hint of nausea was blown away. He took the signaling device in his hand, and he poised his thumb over the button.

Simba's going down.

To be continued...