Edward

Before i knew what i was doing i was pressing my lips against hers. I didnt know what possessed me to do such a thing. She was so close, her brown eyes looking into mine. Her lips were parted as if she was about to say something. I didnt hesitate. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to hers. I didnt expect to feel fire racing through my veins. Her lips were cautious as first but soon warmed up. I tightened my grip on her shoulders. Was it just me, or did i not want this to end?

My senses came back to me and i pulled apart. She wouldnt look at me. Her eyes were staring everywhere but at me. I wondered if i had did the right thing. I had kissed many girls before. None since when i lived in Alaska. I had avoided girls ever since that night. Did i do the right thing? I had enjoyed being close to her. I had enjoyed her lips against mine. I just wondered if she did.

She was standing a few feet away from me now. Had i been rash in thinking that she wanted my kisses? Had i been a fool to press myself on her unwillingly. Though for a second, i could have swore she enjoyed it too. Maybe it was all in my head. I had kissed her from my pain and grief. I didnt regret it but it probably wasnt the time. I didnt think i could give her anything more than that one kiss. Girls had a way of destroying me.

"Ugh i guess i should take you home." i say. She didnt look at me when she replied.

"Yeah...that would be a good idea."

I could have kicked myself. Why had i done that! I probably ruined any chance at being her friend now. She probably had her own thoughts about me now. It was just she had said something that no one else had the guts to say. She had come into the situation and instead of bringing me down, she had uplifted me. For a few seconds i was at peace. And like an idiot i had ruined it. I always had a way of ruining things.

I hadnt planned on this. I didnt hope to make her emotional and then force myself on her. That was not my intention at all. She had just been so close to me. Her brown eyes looking deep into mine. I swear in that moment my heart had stopped. Bella had looked at me, actually looked. She had seen what i had done and i thought that she understood. I thought that maybe i had found someone who truly understood. Who understood the pain i carried everyday. But that was all in my head. She had backed away from me like there was something wrong with me. I had felt my heart lurch in my chest.

I walked slowly around the house. I could hear Bella's soft footsteps behind me. I just walked to my car with my head down. I honestly did not know what to say. Usually when you kiss a girl they smile afterwards. Bella had just looked out of place. Like the thought of kissing me was so terrible to process. I felt sick to my stomach. I didnt mean to put myself on her like that. I didnt mean to make her feel weird around me. I had enjoyed that kiss. The only kiss i ever had where the girl has known all about me. The only kiss that was not returned...

"Bella, about what happened...I didnt mean..." i started to say.

"No, you dont have to say anything." she replied. Her voice sounded distant.

What had i done now. This was the first time in a long time that i had wanted a girl to respond to me. I had liked the feel of her lips on mine. Why didnt she like mine? Did she only want to be my friend, was that it? Was i not good enough for her. Maybe my ego had me thinking something entirely different. Maybe Bella just wasnt into me. Was i even into her?

My feelings were mixed and i didnt know what to feel. I usually had a clear head when it came to girls. I could easily tell when i liked one. But Bella was a whole different girl entirely. She was a mystery wrapped in another layer of mystery. I honestly didnt know what to make of her. Maybe she had second doubts on what she said. Maybe she felt i was the monster i always said i was. My mood plummeted in only a few seconds.

I drove her home. The car ride was weird and awkward. She didnt say a word, and neither did i. I could feel the tension threatening to consume us. I didnt know what to say so i said nothing at all. I was almost glad when i pulled into her driveway. I didnt like the silence. She sat beside me for a few seconds. I wondered if she was trying to say something.

"I will see you tomorrow." she said softly before opening the car door and getting out. I didnt know how i would respond when i seen her tomorrow. She was after all my partner in Art. She couldnt just pretend i didnt exist. A part of me wanted to disappear, but another wanted to just take her into my arms. I was just too confused really to say anything else. What had even happened here? What had even went on? I had tried to kiss her and she acted like this afterwards? What was going on in Bella's head? I couldnt seem to figure her out. And now my kiss had ruined any possible things that could have been.

Maybe my life was doomed to repeat itself. Alaska once again...

Bella

I made it in the front door before i started to break down. My hands shook and my breathing was ragged. What had just happened! I had been so surprised that he had kissed me. His lips had been hot against my skin. I had loved the taste of him. But then it was over. He had pulled away and i had pulled away too. I had just stared at the ground afterwards. I couldnt dare to look into his eyes and see disgust. That would have broke me down completely.

He didnt mean to kiss me. He couldnt have. A guy like that would never be with a girl like me. I knew this, he knew this, everyone knew this. Guys like him went on to marry models and date only the prettiest. Girls like me were usually fifty year old cat ladies. It just hurt because for that one moment i felt hope. I felt like maybe i stood a chance. But when the kiss ended i seen reality for what it really was.

Edward would never like me. He had kissed me out of emotional distress. That was it. There was nothing more and nothing less. He had acted out of impulse. I wanted to be mad that he was trying to play with my feelings. He had kissed me with no intention of anything else. But i couldnt be mad at him because i loved that kiss. That kiss had sent all my nerves on fire. I still could feel the presence of his lips on mine.

That boy was going to be the death of me. I walked up the steps as quickly as i could. I just wanted to lay down. The house was strangely empty so i at least had some peace and quiet. I kicked my door open and immediately just flopped down on my bed. My heart was hurting deep inside my chest. I didnt know where my father was and i didnt care. Maybe this was what feelings brought you, only pain and misery. I had let my feelings get too wrapped up in Edward and now they were being crushed. I shouldnt have even dared to hope for a possibility with him. I should have just expected my position with him. He was my friend and that was it. Nothing more, and nothing less.

That was the first time i had ever been kissed. No one had ever gotten that close before. No one had ever wanted too. Edward had been my first kiss. A kiss with feelings that werent returned... I had felt a strange pulling in my chest when i had first even seen him. I had felt longing and desire. But i had to face the truth. He would never be with me. He would never love me.

He had kissed me out of mistake, that was it. I could tell he was embarrassed afterwards. Just by the way he acted. And then he had tried to explain himself. I knew what was coming so i just shushed him. He was trying to tell me that it was a mistake and that i should not expect anything out of it. I was used to those kind of things. I was used to being the last one left.

No one came to my door with flowers. I didnt go to prom with a handsome date. I didnt do anything. Before today i had never been kissed. I have never went out on a date. I had never done anything with anyone. All the girls from my school were always talking about who they went out with over the weekend, who they liked. I never really tried to like anyone. I knew pain very well. I knew that liking anyone would only just bring me pain. And it has.

Edward was my weakness. I loved the very sight of him. I loved the color of his eyes. The way he made me feel special, even just for a moment. He had let me in like no one else has. He had shared a part of himself that most people never got to know. I had felt deep feelings for his family. I had held him while he cried. I had tried to comfort him in the best way i knew how. He had shown me a part of himself that he had tried to keep hidden. Not just from me, but from everyone. I had somehow thought that meant more than it did. But the fact of the matter is, is that girls like me we dont get a fairy tale ending. Were the girls who watch everyone be happy. We watch our friends get married. We watch our lives just slowly going by. I was lost in my despair.

My mood was dark and i didnt like where it was going. Edward had the ability to crush my world in one single afternoon. I liked him more than i should and it was bad for me. I had to distance myself or else i would lose myself. I couldnt keep expecting things from him. He was just a friend. He had shown me his secret today because i was just a friend. He needed someone today and i had been there. That was the only reason why. The guilt and pain had made him breakdown and it was i who went to his window. It was i, who went to him. He didnt come to me. I had pushed myself where i didnt belong. I just didnt know how things were going to be now. Would he even talk to me? Or would he try to act as if i didnt exist? Would he avoid me like this day never happened? Or would he try and apologize again? What in the world was i going to do?

That was it. I couldnt keep daydreaming about what if's. I had a place in this world and i knew where i fit in.

And i knew i didnt fit with Edward, no matter how much i wanted it.

Authors note: Well we have all been there... at least once in our lives.

But dont get down hearted, there is more to come :p

Stay tuned, more will be coming.

And remember, things have a way of fixing themselves...