AN: I am so sorry for the delay of this chapter. I hope it was worth the wait. I realize I've been forgetting to thank the wonderful Punslinger for all his help. Read his story Come Back to Me. It's awesome. Enjoy!
Liara's morning coffee had already gone cold by the time Shepard emerged from the bedroom. The asari was situated at the kitchen table, reading the morning paper that had left outside of the door of their hotel room suite. The asari looked up at the approaching figure and quickly shifted the papers so that the front page, featuring the image of a very intoxicated Commander Shepard, was hidden from view. She gave as gentle a smile as it seemed possible.
The smile was obviously meant to reassure and comfort her but instead it had the opposite effect on Shepard, only serving to make her anxiety go through the roof and dredge up memories of last night. Oh God. Last Night. Shepard groaned, putting her hand to her head as the headache that had begun as a faint pain at the top of her neck when she awoke quickly became an angry throbbing throughout her entire skull.
Liara pushed herself off the chair and tried to put her arms around Shepard who immediately ducked out of the embrace. The over-comforting smile that was previously plastered on Liara's face was now gone, replaced by one of concern. For some reason that was worse. "Shepard, what's wrong?"
"Why are you so calm?" the Commander cried, the volume of her own voice surprising her "Why are you not furious at me?"
"Should I be furious at you?"
"Yes!" Shepard exclaimed as she sunk into the dining room chair. "What I did yesterday was-"
"An incredibly dramatic yet understandable reaction to an extremely troubling and triggering situation. Was it the best way to handle things?" She shrugged. "Probably not. But I understand why it was the first method of coping that popped into your head."
"Fuck," Shepard muttered. "How are you so rational?"
Liara raised an eyebrow. "Do you want me to scream at you, berate you for your mistakes, and hold it over your head for the rest of your natural life?"
"That makes sense to me."
The asari pulled out the chair across from Shepard and sat down. "Does it really? Shepard, I'm going to be completely honest; you messed up. You relapsed. Had that woman not interrupted your speech you would have delivered it beautifully and been rewarded with a standing ovation. I'm sure of it. But that didn't happen and in order to deal with it you chose an option with instant relief and gratification. That makes more sense, does it not?"
"I still don't get…"
"Get what? That I'm worried about you? That we're all worried about you? You know what happened last night, Shepard?" The frustration started to creep into her voice. "After Garrus and I got you cleaned up and into bed last night Tali burst into tears. She was terrified for you. The girl has seen you shot, burned, and bloodied. She's seen you injured or indisposed in every possible way. But not like this. And she was so scared. We all were. Just please understand that you are loved and your mistakes don't make you less worthy of that love. Please."
Shepard was stunned into silence. She gave a sigh, one full of disappointment directed at herself. "I'm sorry. Really, I am. I just," she paused, struggling to command her usual eloquence. "I never meant for it to be like this. I never wanted to hurt anyone."
"I know you didn't. And everything will be okay. We'll just make sure you don't relapse again and we can help you find better ways to cope." Liara stood, a smile returned to her face. "Is it alright if I give you a hug?"
Shepard nodded. The asari approached her and wrapped her arms tightly around the Commander. Upon feeling the woman's body relax, Liara squeezed tighter and moved her hand up to smooth the red hair. "I'm going to ask you something very important and I want you to be honest, no matter how hard it is to talk about. Can you do that for me?"
The human woman sighed and pulled back out of the embrace. "Yeah. Yeah, I can try."
"Have you been having nightmares?"
An unexpected noise emerged from Shepard's mouth; a chuckle. "Well you see," she started, the laughter in her voice apparent, "That's the advantage to drinking to the point of blacking out. When you get there your sleep is completely dreamless."
Liara wasn't amused. She sat back down in the dining room chair and gestured for Shepard to take a seat. She did. "So how long has it been?"
"Probably not since I was back in the hospital. I didn't know about this little side effect until Garrus and Joker and I went out."
"You never told me what you dream about."
Shepard sighed. "And with good reason. They're not fun, to experience or to talk about."
"I didn't think they would be. Just tell me what you can."
She took in a deep, heavy breath and exhaled through her mouth. "Before the end of the war I would dream that I was in this forest. And everything was totally black. I would be running through, chasing after something. A boy. A boy I saw die in front of me on Earth. And I would hear whispering, talking. And the words were all things I had heard before, from you and everybody on the Normandy. Sometimes they were important, last words before death, but other times they were just insignificant bits of conversation. But the effect was always haunting. And I always died before I woke up. Always."
Liara was briefly silent before speaking again. "You said that was before the end. What do you dream about now that it's after?"
"I-"Shepard started. "I never told you about what happened at the end, did I?"
Liara shook her head no, urging her to continue.
"The Catalyst appeared to me, in the form of the boy from my nightmares. He said that I had three choices; I could become one of them in order to command them, I could choose to infuse my DNA with theirs in order to make everyone in the galaxy part Reaper, or I could choose to destroy them. I chose the last one. But it came with the cost of destroying all synthetic life. I did it anyway. So that's what I dream about; killing the Geth, killing EDI. Every time they die by my hand."
"By your hand, huh?"
Neither Shepard nor Liara had spoken. Both turned their heads toward the front door where a crutched figure stood.
Joker.
Shepard didn't need to say anything to pilot to get his reaction. It was all worn plain on his face. All the humor and joviality had been stripped away, leaving nothing but cold, hard grief. But there was a fire burning his eyes.
"So," he started, resentment dripping from the syllable. "It was you. You did it. You're the reason that she's fucking dead." His volume increased with every word until the last was shouted. It hung in the air like a cloud over the three until Shepard spoke, her eyes locked with Joker's.
"I didn't have a choice, Joker."
"Like hell you didn't! You just said that-"
"What was she supposed to do?" Liara asked, quickly trying to push her emotions aside to come to Shepard's defense. "Let the Reapers control her? Make everyone else part of them?"
Joker turned to Liara, a glare fixed on his face. "Stay out of this," he muttered through gritted teeth. "This isn't your fight Liara."
"The hell it isn't!" the asari shot back. "You think you can just walk in here and insult Shepard to her face? You have no right. You have no idea what she's gone through."
"Neither do you," he replied bitterly.
"You think I don't? I've been there to pick her up every time she's fallen down. I've been there to deal with the fallout. Not you. Me."
"Well maybe I would if someone hadn't killed my fucking girlfriend." Joker yelled venomously.
"I swear to the Goddess Joker I-"
"Stop it, both of you!" Shepard cried. The two turned to look at her. The Commander was breathing heavily, tears beginning to run down her face. She took a deep, heaving breath before speaking again. "Joker, your fight isn't with Liara. It's with me. So go after me, okay?"
"Shepard-" Liara started but was cut off by a warning finger held up by the redheaded Marine.
"Say it," Shepard challenged.
"Fine," Joker retorted. He launched his crutches forward and began hobbling towards Shepard. "Why would you do this? Who are you? The Shepard I know would never, ever put someone else before them. The Shepard I know goes out of the way to do anything for people. She would never kill one of her closest friends. She would never exterminate a whole fucking race. So who the fuck are you?" The clacking of the crutches on the ground punctuated every line as he came to stand directly in front of the Commander.
"Joker, I'm so sorry. I never meant-"
"How could you haven't meant it? The Catalyst told you what was going to happen."
"Joker, I hate to be clichéd but sometime sacrifices have to be made. It's not easy but-"
"A sacrifice. Huh. Is that what you would call it? Is that what you'd call Ashley?"
"Joker, stop" warned Liara.
"Would you have been so quick to make that decision if it was Liara in EDI's place?" His voice caught on the AI's name "Or is it easier to make a choice like that if you don't lose anything? Please, enlighten me. I would love to know." Shepard closed her eyes tightly and gave a shuddering sigh. She opened her eyes and stared directly at the pilot.
"I get it," she muttered. "You're hurting. Take it out on me. It's better than letting it fester. I'm living proof of that."
Joker was taken aback for a moment. He wasn't expecting that response. "I-"
"It's okay. There's nothing you can say that I already haven't said to myself. Have at it."
He looked up at her, the storm in his eyes beginning to change to something else. Grief? Or even sympathy. "I can't fucking do this, Shepard. I-I have to go." And with that he moved past the Commander, past Liara and into the very last door at the end of the hall before slamming it behind him.
Liara looked up at Shepard and sighed, tears forming in her eyes. "I don't know what to say," she said, her voice shaking with emotion.
"You don't have to say anything," Shepard replied. "Everything he said was right. Every fucking word of it."