Edward

What had i done?

I felt like i had been punched in the throat. I watched Bella storm away from me. Her shoulders were rigid and her back was to me. I could feel her pain radiating from here.

Why had i said those things? Why had i not even knew she was around? I wouldnt have said anything if it wasnt for Rosalie.

Rosalie was all smiles. Her perfectly manicured hands on her hips. She was staring after Bella too. I turned to her.

"That wasnt very nice."

"Oh well, she needed to hear it." she said.

"No that wasnt a nice thing to do. Like at all." i said a little coldly. Her eyes narrowed at my words.

"Why do you have a thing for that little freak?" she accused.

"She is a way better person than you will ever be." i spat into her face. I turned away from her and tried to run after Bella. I didnt make it in time. I watched her bus pull away from the curb. I couldnt let it end like this. I couldnt let the last words she heard be that. I had to go to her. I had to explain why i said those things.

Why had i said those things?

The truth was, i was trying to hide it. Why would Bella storm away if she was upset over that? She had practically showed me that she was not into me. So why would i tell Rosalie anything different? I had lied to her but it was a lie for my best intention. I felt as if Bella wanted nothing to do with me. Why tell everyone at school that i had a secret crush on her? That would only bring more humility down on us both. I didnt want to cause her any problems. But it seemed that i had just added to them.

I walkde briskly to my car. Threw open the door and hopped inside. I didnt waste any time. I turned on the ignition and i went as fast as the speed limit would allow. I was headed directly for her house. I needed to speak with her. Even if she didnt want to listen i would still say my piece. I didnt honestly know what to think.

One minute i was sure Bella had a thing for me, the next i wasnt so sure. Her moods seemed to change everyday. One minute shes happy and carefree, the next sullen and distant. I couldnt decide what her true feelings were. I was a realist and i took fact for fact. She didnt tell me that she liked the kiss. She didnt tell me that she liked anything about me! Never once has any words on that subject ever left her lips. She had heard more from me than she's ever told me. I had tried being open. I had spit everything i had and let her decide. She had walked away from me.

That had hurt.

I had thought i had found someone i could be myself with. I had laid my heart out for her to see and she had turned away from me. I was foolish thinking that she had liked my kiss. She wasnt able to even look me in the eye after! I had accepted that. I had let her shy herself away from me. I had not went to her acting the fool. I had given her the space she so desired. I had not tried intruding in her life. I thought she wanted space so i gave it to her.

But now i was having second thoughts. Why would she have been so upset over what i said? If she liked me no less than a friend she would have probably laughed at those words. She wouldnt have cared if i liked her or not. Unless she felt something more from me. But i just couldnt bring myself to belive that. The way she had behaved had sent me all the signals to back off. I was just doing what she wanted me to do...

And now i had made a mistake. I had said some words that i shouldnt have said. I just never thought that she would have been right behind me! Damn that Rosalie. I hadnt expected her to get so upset over those words. I thought she didnt have any feelings for me at all. I had just let her go. I valued her esteem more than i should have. I valued the opinion she had of me. I didnt want to follow her around like a lost puppy. A puppy that wasnt wanted.

I needed to speak to her. I needed to find out what this was all about. I felt this way, she had to feel some other way. I needed to speak to her and tell her how i felt. Then if she decided she didnt want me, she could. But i needed to hear the exact words. I was tired of playing this game. This game of 'I have no idea whats going on but i wont even try to figure it out'. I was going to go to her and apologize and explain myself.

I swore in Alaska that i wouldnt chase another girl. I promised myself that i wouldnt put myself in another situation. I wasnt looking for love, but love had found me. I couldnt get her off my mind. What was it about her that made my heart ache? The way she smiled in that shy way? The way she laughed? The way that she had accepted me? It was a collection of things. I didnt just love her for no reason at all. I wanted her for a distinct reason. My heart called out for hers.

I didnt believe in that fate crap, but i did believe that Bella was more than anyone had the fortune to realize. She was socially unacceptable. She didnt wear the fanciest clothes, she didnt blend in with the rest of the sheep, she was original. She wasnt fake. She wasnt fake like i had been. I had been selfish and vain. I had only cared about myself. I was a different Edward now. I cared more than anyone seemed to realize.

I carried a burden every day and i would always carry it. But that didnt mean i had to die under its weight. I had found someone who understood me. Who looked at me and didnt see the monster that i did. I was not alone anymore. I had felt more alone ever since the accident. I had lost my friends, my family, and worst of all, Alice. I had hurt her and i could never take that back. It left me more mature than most men my age. I would not make the same mistake twice. I would not hurt the ones i loved anymore.

Too late for that...

I had to speak to Bella. I had to make her understand. I was a hard man to love. I wouldnt always be the warm guy she likes. Sometimes i had demons that took me over. Demons that made me act like a monster. Demons that preyed on all my hopes and dreams. I was not a perfect person. I had more inner damage than i liked to admit. But with a little love i would be alright. I needed someone with the will to mend my broken heart. I could be loved, if only i'd stop hurting those who loved me back.

I didnt mean to hurt anyone. I had been so far up in my own ass that i had never looked at anyone else. I was ignorant of everything and everyone else. I had went through my early years with entitlement. I could never understand why i shouldnt get what i wanted. I was Edward Cullen after all. I had the looks, the money, the attitude. I was so far down in the hole i had created for myself. I had viewed the world through a Edward tinted glass. I had only seen myself in the aspect of things. It was the worst mistake of my life.

I had laughed at other peoples pain. Now who was there to laugh at mine? Myself.

We never really know the damage we cause to others. We do what we do with no regard to anyone else. We never see the tears behind locked doors. We never see the self hate inside someones head. We never really see the damage we cause. When my whole world fell apart, i realized mine. I realized that it wasnt just about me. It was about all those i cared about.

And the one person that i cared about in a different way than Alice, i had just hurt. I had caused her pain and each minute that i couldnt speak to her tore at me. I needed to tell her how i felt. I needed to open up and tell her. That i was ignorant, stupid, and madly in love with her. Alls it had taken was a few evenings together, class, and that night at my house. That was all it took to make me see that i wasnt done chasing girls. I just didnt want any other girl.

I wanted Bella.

If she would even have me after all that i had said. If she could even stomach me after that fiasco. If she even liked me at all...

I was almost to her house. I jerked to a stop in front of her house. I took a deep breath and exited the car. I walked up to her door and paused, my hand in the air. I just hope she will see me after all that. I hesitated a fraction of a second and then knocked. I wasnt hoping for anything other than just to see her face, just to say i was sorry. Just to apologize for the things that i had said, that i had only said to protect myself. It always hurt when you cared about someone more than yourself. It hurt but the kiss she could give me could make it all right again.

All i needed was one more kiss.

Authors note: See Edward isnt as bad as all you guys like to think lmao. We all make mistakes and sometimes it takes just one single event to make us see this. Thanks for reading and sorry about the slow update. Been carried away with a thing called life. More to come in the next few days. And i also wanted to say sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes. I proof read, but not that good. I have so many ideas flying around in my head that i dont take as much time as i should. And for that i am sorry. Apostrophes are my weakness, even though i dont see that as such a big deal. Im a writer, not a published author. I dont have an editor or a beta lol. But i am sorry for any inconvenience.

Thanks so much for the support.

I 3 you guys!