Ch. 20

"I did?" Steve said, incredulous, taking a step back from her, shaking his head. "I would never . . . what are you even saying?"

Her eyes bore into him. "I spent a month working undercover for S.H.I.E.L.D., infiltrating an arms dealer here, in Buenos Aires. They were outfitting drones with Stark's repulsor technology and retro-engineered Chitauri weapons. Nasty little things. The amount of destruction they could cause. . . . . A month I spent, worming my way into their organization, gaining their trust. Heck, I even lived out in their compound with them. I had them eating out of the palm of my hand and I was ready to bring the whole thing crashing down around their heads." She took a deep breath.

"Then, you put all of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s secrets on-line. Every operation, every agent undercover. Our photos, our aliases, our field reports. My cover was blown and I had no idea. One afternoon, they called me into the head boss' office and before I knew it, I got a taser to the back of the neck. They took me and spent almost a week straight letting me know exactly how upset they were about my deception. S.H.I.E.L.D. was imploding at the time, so there was no back-up, no extraction plan. No hope of rescue. And the worst thing was there was nothing I could do to stop the pain. They didn't want any information. You had already told them everything they could ever want to know. All of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s dirty little secrets. They just wanted to hurt me." Her voice broke as she looked away. She hugged herself, rubbing her arms.

"They train you, you know, to withstand torture. All the different techniques that you can do to protect the secrets that you've been given. You focus on all the good you're doing; you focus on who you're saving by not revealing any information," she said.

"But what happens when there's nothing left to protect, no more secrets to keep, no one left to save? What happens after you scream so loud and so long that you don't have any voice anymore?" she asked, her body trembling as she remembered what happened to her.

"Oh, Alma . . ." Steve started towards her, but she shrank away from him and he stopped.

There was a long pause as Alma looked at the ground, the curtain of her hair obscuring her face. "How did you get away?" Steve asked gently.

"My S.O. After four or five days, he appeared. He swooped in like an avenging angel, leaving bodies left and right. He killed them all. He took me back to his place, nursed me back to health, taking care of me for days."

"Where is he? You never mentioned him before. Right now, we could use any help we can get."

She looked over at him, giving him a brittle smile as tears streamed down her face. "I was so lost, so broken when I found out about S.H.I.E.L.D. There was nothing left for me. I had dedicated my whole life to the organization. My S.O. told me not to worry. That there'd always be a place for someone with my talents." She gulped. "Then, he leaned down and whispered, 'Hail, Hydra'. He went through the whole recruitment speech before I shot him in the stomach. I called for an ambulance, but he died before we reached the hospital. I had known him for five years. He . . .," she swallowed. "I thought he was my best friend."

"Sometimes . . . sometimes I wonder if he knew where I was all along. I wonder if he waited to rescue me until he thought I was damaged enough, desperate enough to agree to join him," she said.

"I didn't know . . . I didn't think . . .," Steve trailed off.

"No, you didn't. You just wanted to cleanse the world. Raze everything to the ground. Well, I hope you feel some satisfaction in your decision," she said dully.

"Would you have preferred living in the dark? Having Hydra secretly manipulate you? Being an unwitting pawn for them?" Steve asked quietly.

"Yes," she admitted, her voice wavering. "I know that's a horrible thing to say. And that I'm a horrible person for even thinking it. But ignorance really is bliss. I . . . I just wish things could go back to the way they were before."

"They were going to murder twenty million people, Alma. Twenty million. Even if I hadn't have leaked that information, would you still have been a loyal S.H.I.E.L.D. employee after that?" Steve asked.

"No," she said simply.

"It was all going to end. Either way. It . . . it breaks my heart what happened to you. What happened to everyone. It isn't what I wanted. I would never want anyone to ever hurt you," he said.

Tentatively, Steve sat down on the bed next to her. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"I did. I told you. On that first day. I told you about all of the agents, all the informants who were slaughtered when you leaked that intel. And you hardly batted an eye," she said softly. "You were so quick to defend yourself, to justify your actions."

"Alma, I'm sorry. It kills me to see what happened to you. I care about you . . . . I'm falling in love with you." Steve took a deep breath. "And I think you love me too. Don't you?"

"Does it matter? No matter how I feel about you, I look at you and I feel the handcuffs biting into my skin, I feel a boot breaking my rib. That's not much of a basis for a relationship," she said.

"So that's it? You'll never forgive me?" he asked.

"I . . . I don't know." She looked down at her hands, playing with the hem of her shorts.

Steve smiled. "Well, it's not a yes."

She looked at him. "I want to forgive. Really, I do . . . . It's just . . . I'm just not there yet."

"I'm willing to wait."

She gave him a small smile. "You are determined," she said.

"I've got a good reason to be," Steve said. "You're worth waiting for."

"Am I? I don't feel like that," she said, looking down again.

"Hey . . . hey," he lifted her chin with one finger, looking her in the eyes, "you are. You are to me," he insisted.

"Thanks," she said. "For everything."

Steve wanted to say more, but Alma looked utterly exhausted. He quickly stood. "You know what? Why don't you get some sleep? We need to decide what to do about Pavlov but we're both too tired to think straight right now."

"You're probably right," Alma said as she got up and walked around to the side of the bed to lay down. Steve got the straightback chair next to the table and positioned it next to the bed so that it was facing her before he sat down.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"You've had a head injury. You should be in the hospital, nurses checking on you every two hours. I can understand why you don't want to go, but I can't risk anything happening to you. So, I'm going to watch you."

"You're going to sit there and just watch me all night long? You're kidding me," she said.

"'Fraid not."

She shook her head before she laid it down on her pillow. "Sometimes, you really are too good to be true."

"See, that's what a man likes to hear from his best girl. Good night, Alma."

She gave him a sleepy grin before she closed her eyes. "Good night, Steve."