More angst! This one set the morning after the events of chapter nine, book one. Quick note that I don't know if the name of Laurent's horse was ever mentioned, it wasn't in the book and I couldn't find it so I made one up, but if anyone has a definitive answer I'll happily change it!

2.

He had been awake perhaps two hours, half of which had been spent in getting dressed, before announcing, not unusually, that he was going for a ride. The other half had been spent in pacing and refusing breakfast. He felt so sick with everything else he was choking down that there was no room for breakfast.

When he got to the courtyard there was a queasy moment of shock in which he almost shouted at someone – anyone – for bringing the wrong horse. Then he remembered. Why he was here in the first place today. Not that he had forgotten. It just seemed too foul, to unforgiving to even think the words aloud. Artemisia is dead. He swallowed hard and thanked the stable boy politely before mounting the white gelding, trying not to resent the animal for not being who it should be.

He did what he was accustomed to; rode calmly out of the palace and far enough down into the meadows before kicking into a gallop. Only with the thunder of hooves and the shuddering pace rocking though him and the mount could he begin to clear his head, even let himself breathe a little.

With breathing came memory. He had known he was going to have to face the memories at some point and was skilled enough at keeping them at bay to have waited until now. He went where he had to, needing to, not wanting to, remembering.

"Wild this one" Auguste says, grinning, as though liking the idea – "almost like the free horses out towards the border."

"You don't think you can do it?" Laurent remembers that little boy less than he remembers his brother, that wide eyed innocent creature.

"You need to have more faith little brother" Auguste teases, ruffling his head – "Course I can."

She is a challenge though. He watches his brother rise to the occasion with wide eyed wonder thinking, someday I will be just like that, watches him put her through her paces in the training fields, while he sits on a fence or on the branch of a nearby tree to watch. Day after day they come down here and for a whole summer she is their one main project. Laurent thinks of it as "Their" project anyway, says so even though Auguste teases him gently for it. They both know Laurent has done none of the work, just watches while Auguste does it all - watches with a persistent and enduring interest in every move that both the horse and the young man make which his older brother finds both annoying, endearing and most of all incredibly encouraging.

He remembers two afternoons in particular. One is the first day Auguste tries to ride her. It's a clear day, one of those golden days that only become more golden in memory. Artemisia throws him, barely breaking stride and when the boy who is not quite man yet looks up, blinking and rubbing his head the first thing he sees is his ass of little brother holding his sides and shaking from laughing so much.

"You think that was funny?" He glares, but he is starting to grin himself by now already. Laurent tries not to laugh but the effort makes it harder and he explodes.

"I'll show you funny!" Auguste chases him down from the fence on which he's perched, he lets the chase go on for much longer than it could, as to the wrestle that follows. When Laurent is on his back on the ground, breathless and still giggling Auguste dusts his hands off and stands up –

"Now that's funny." he grins and hauls his little brother to his feet. He grins back at him as he goes back to the horse for a second attempt –

"You want a go?"

Laurent, giggling, shakes his head firmly –

"No!"

"Then don't laugh"

Laurent does laugh, though, every time his brother gets thrown and Auguste tolerates it with weary sighs every time.

Then one day, finally, after what seem in memory like endless happy summer days, Auguste has finished his last trot around the yard, Laurent holding on behind. They walk together back to the stables, Laurent feeling proud because Auguste has given him the reins to lead for once.

"She's wonderful" he says shyly – "She's ready now, isn't she? You worked so hard on her, she's perfect, yes?"

"Fuck me" Auguste laughs – "I think my hearing's going case I swear I just heard my little brother say something nice."

"Shut up" Laurent sticks his tongue out and adds primly – "And you shouldn't say fuck."

"You shut up. And yeah –" they have reached the stables now and he turns to look at Laurent seriously for once – "Yeah I worked harder than usual. Breaking her in for someone special wasn't I."

"Who?" The boy's eyes widen as he still fails to understand and as he tries to hand Auguste back the reins his brother closes his hand around them –

"She's yours you idiot."

Laurent grins and then shrieks, flings his arms around his brother and then his horse, unsure in that moment which of them he loves the most.

The memory broke apart as he reined the strange horse to a hard stop before the river. It's just a horse he had said. He could hear his own voice, hateful in his ears and recognised it even less than he recognised the memory of the child who had once been him. He was angry and proud all at once that he had managed to get that out.

His face was hot, his heart hammering, breathing heavy. It was a vulnerability to feel any of these things and these times were the only times he would allow it. To ride out and ride out hard was the only release he would allow himself and one nobody would ever guess at. He clenched his fists as he swung down to kneel by the river. She was the last, the last thing I had and he killed her, he killed her, I'm going to kill him. He unclenched his fists to take water in his hands, bring up just enough to cool his face down, cool it all down. His eyes prickled. Sometimes he wished he could cry.

By the time he got back up onto the horse he was glad again that he could not.

_x_

I made myself sad! So I'm sorry if I made anyone else sad – this wasn't supposed to go as bad as it did, I just wanted to explore Laurent + "Going for a ride" a bit. :-(

Also I know this is supposed be Damen/ Laurent and I've barely touched on Damen yet. I am sorry for this and will rectify this in whatever I write next! :-)