A/N: Please please please please do NOT read this chapter if you could not stand the last part of chapter 8 (IE. Lightning being drunk and almost xxxing Vanille), because this is 5x worse! Still, this is nowhere close to an M, so meh.
Chapter 12 - Don't Be
It wasn't because she was incapable; it was because they told her to be this way. She wanted to help and fight with them – she didn't want to leave them alone. But she was told to hide, keep quiet, and nothing else. She hated it. How she was always treated like a little girl, like a princess, like she was some useless idiot who would only be protected. She was well aware that she did not deserve this. The girl tried her best to not take it all for granted. She tried her best to repay them.
But she was told to hide.
She knew it was pointless to go and fight; it wasn't like they were going to win anyway. They would all eventually die, but even so, she did not want to bring their hopes down. So she did as she was told; she simply listened and hid.
She hid as they screamed.
The next time she opened her eyes, those people were there. The enemies. They entered the dark, torn, broken room, searching for survivors so that they could do whatever they were told to do. There was no doubt that she was scared – terrified – of course, but all she could do was cover her mouth, hold her breath, and stop herself from making any sounds.
Pathetic.
They came closer. She could see their shadows and hear their loud footsteps. Funny, even something as simple as footsteps, the girl found them to be malicious, all because it came from them, the enemies. Shutting her eyes tightly, she hugged her knees closer to herself with her free hand. Perhaps… perhaps if she couldn't see them, and remained motionless, tiny, insignificant… then they wouldn't catch her? Then they wouldn't make her scream like those who tried to protect her?
"Hn,"
She gasped and opened her eyes. A shadow covered her – someone was standing right in front of her and was blocking the little light there was in the room. That face… that foreign, unfamiliar, disgusting face… it got her sick to the stomach; she wanted to throw up.
"What's with that look, girl?"
Even his voice was repelling. She glared at him. She did not want to appear like she was afraid.
"Hmm? Trying to be scary, now, are we?" He bent down and grabbed her by the wrist, pulling her up forcefully. "Everybody else is either captured or killed."
She gritted her teeth, clenched her fists hard as she continued to glare – pointlessly – at the man.
"You really aren't afraid? But your friends are all gone, and you're the only one left…" He feigned a sorrowful voice and pushed her against the wall, pinning her wrists above her head. "But that doesn't matter," His eyes traced the structure of her beautiful face, "… More importantly, I'm tired of all of this, and I need some entertainment for the night. My men need some entertainment for the night." Then, with force, he grabbed onto the girl's chin, making her look directly into his eyes.
She stared hard without making a sound.
"You're quite attractive, aren't you?" A devilish grin spread across his face. "Bet you miss your friends, hmm?"
She wanted to kill him, but there was no way she could move.
"If you look at me nicely, I'll think about sparing those who are still rotting on the battlefield."
… Hearing that, her eyes softened.
"That's it…"
She loosened her body.
He laughed. "That's it…" He pulled onto her necklaces violently, breaking them, making the beads fall and scatter onto the floor. "Just listen to me and you'll see them again…" He tugged onto her pink tank top; his other hand easily removed everything else from her body, making her stand there, exposed – naked.
Pathetic. The tears just can't seem to stop.
His large hands traced her slim figure, touching, feeling, and violating her body as he eyed at her trembling form. "You're more obedient and easygoing compared to the rest of your lowlife-friends…" He started to remove the belt to his pants. 'How about… I make a deal with you?"
Pathetic. She was actually listening.
"Come with me. Do everything as I say," His pants fell to the ground, "… and each time you do it with me…" He held onto her hips, positioning himself in front of her, "… I'll spare ten people."
Her eyes snapped open. "What— uungh— aah!"
Vanille sat up and covered her mouth as she gagged. Pushing the blankets off herself, she made her way through the dark room, opened the door, ran across the hallway, and into the washroom. She ran to the toilet, and she threw up.
"… Stop… s-stop… please…!"
She coughed up everything as tears poured from her eyes.
"No… please stop—!"
There couldn't possibly be anything else to throw up, but the mere thought of that just… it was just…
"Resisting, are you?" His husky voice grunted against her ear.
"Please stop…! I can't… I can't…" She panted heavily.
He narrowed his eyebrows. Turning to one of his men standing at the doorway, he ordered, "Bring them in. Tie them down, make them watch me fuck her, and then deal with their pathetic lives."
She gasped. "No… please, no! I-I'll listen to you, so please… just don't… please don't hurt them!"
Vanille held onto her shirt at the chest, her fingers dug deep into her own flesh. The thought of that hurt so much. She wanted to bring some other pain to herself, to draw her attention away, to… to think about something else, because she couldn't take any more of it. Painful sobs mixed with uneven panting, it felt almost as if her lungs were burning up. She covered her mouth as she continued to claw and claw – she wanted to rip her skin… she wanted to rip her flesh, she wanted to bleed… she wanted to kill herself.
But if she did…
"Don't hurt them…" She begged out loud, her voice bounced off the walls of the washroom.
"Then I'll need to find something else to hurt, don't I?" The man continued to speak in her head.
Still on her knees, she bent forward, her forehead touched the floor. "You already have me…" Vanille spoke weakly.
"What was that?" He was grinding against her. His hands were all over her body…
This wasn't real, this was just a voice… these were only remnants of her memories, but… she could feel this. She could feel him touching her. "Aren't I enough…?"
He released her and turned to one of her friends – she could see, even though her eyes were closed – one who was too weak to even tremble in fear. "I get bored of you once in a while… so, just for today…" The man made his way towards that body.
"Please don't hurt them…! Don't hurt them!" She called to him desperately.
He ignored her pleas and cries, for he had his attention on that near-dead body. The body was crying, she was in pain, but she did not even have the strength to show such things.
The girl's nails finally tore through her shirt, and were digging deep into her chest. "I'M RIGHT HERE!" She yelled at the top of her lungs, "I SAID DON'T HURT THEM!"
"Heh," He simply smirked, "That's right. Show me more of this side." The man's attention shifted back to Vanille. "Show me that you actually want me,"
"I'll… I'll let you have me… all of me, so please… leave them alone…!" It was getting to her. All this screaming, begging, everything she was doing made her want to throw up. Her head, body, limbs, and her heart were aching so much, she felt like she was being burnt alive. But she couldn't stop now; she needed to get him away from her – "You can do whatever you want…" She choked.
Vanille fell backwards; her head hit the floor heard. She felt it – she could see it. The man just pinned her down, and was touching her again. She could feel it. "In this case, if you're so desperate, then I'm going to do you so hard until you pass out."
She opened her eyes. For a moment, she kept still, and a random question of 'whose ceiling was she looking at?' swept away the thoughts of that dream. Slowly, she sat up to look around; oh, typical – she was in Lightning's room. Looking out the window, the girl could see that the sky was in a deep morning-blue colour, and the little light coming from the rising sun peeked out of the horizon line of the ocean. It got the room bright enough to allow her to see where the door was.
Getting off the bed, she attempted to tiptoe as she walked, but suddenly remembered that it wasn't necessary to keep quiet, since her hostess wasn't back from her night shift yet. Lightning told her that she would be back by noon, and that she could help herself to anything she needed.
Funny. Anything she needed? She only needed one thing, and that was forgiveness, but she would never obtain such a thing.
"… I'm so sorry…"
"Why are you apologizing? It's not your fault…"
She remembered every single detail from last night. She could even recall every bit of emotion she felt and had. Before she could face her directly, Vanille kissed her. She only did it because she was afraid… afraid that she would never be able to do it again after she told her. If Vanille told her that Lighting's parents' death was caused by her people, then would they still be able to remain this way? Would Lightning still love her?
Vanille made her way to the washroom, clueless as to what she could do from now on. Perhaps she should just do what she did best – run away.
"Vanille, don't cry,"
But Lightning…
"I'm here."
The woman's resounding words brought her warmth and comfort for the briefest moment, and then it all melted into guilt within seconds again. She couldn't take this any longer; she really, really could not. Whether she decided to stay or not, the outcome would be the same – she would still be deemed selfish, there was no alternate route. But if it meant to be selfish for Lightning's wellbeing, then she would choose that route.
Vanille looked to the mirror and leaned on the sink. Damn, she was a mess. Not just her hair, but those dark circles under her eyes… "Oh man…" She groaned as she brought a hand up to rub her eyes. But when she did so, she noticed that there was some sort of… dirt? No, dirt wasn't of this colour – it was deep red.
Dried blood?
Dried blood… in her fingernails? Vanille looked into the mirror again, her eyes slowly made their way down to her body, and then—
"What…?"
The girl took a few steps back, her trembling legs made it difficult for her to move.
A huge claw mark – it tore through her white tank top, stretching from her left breast down to her abdomen. It was huge, it looked like it was done by some large beast, and it was red – how could she not have noticed until now? Scared, and unwilling to face the truth, Vanille lifted her shirt hesitantly. Her hands shook unstably at the sight, but she was trembling more so because she could hardly feel the pain. Lifting the tank top so she could see enough of the scar, the girl widened her eyes in horror. Her skin was peeling off, she could see the pink, redness of her flesh, and now that she was looking at it so much, the pain she couldn't feel was starting to surface.
In shock, she quickly thought of excuses. "It was… it was supposed to be a dream…" She tried to convince herself.
"But you liked it,"
Terrified, Vanille gasped. She covered her ears and immediately crouched down. "No…" It was that voice – it was that same, delusional voice. In every single dream, she could hear that unpleasant voice, and recently, even when she was awake…
"Don't deny it," He was laughing. "Look, you came so much…"
"No…! I didn't – there's no way—"
"No? Then what is this? Why are you so wet?"
The girl could feel it. He was touching her there, and it felt the same as those times – "Stop it!" With all that she had left in her legs, she ran into the shower and turned the tab to the coldest. The freezing water ironically burned into her skin as she held onto her chest, clawing at the same wound once again, in the same way.
"Running away won't help, girl. You'll only come back to me in the end. You'll come back, running, begging for more, begging… because you can't bear to leave them alone."
Yes, that was exactly what she was thinking. No way in hell could she leave them; they were her friends, they were literally her family.
"If you come back now, you can still save them."
"I…"
"I am offering you redemption. Come back, Vanille."
"…"
"… Or you can hide in your little fantasy, you can pretend nothing happened… but would you be able to get rid of that pain in your heart?"
But what about Lighting? How could she leave her?
"You can stay with that woman, but don't forget – your people killed her parents. What do you think she will do when she finds out?"
"Onee-san… she…"
"She will fucking murder you."
Vanille could no longer feel herself. The cold water had numbed her entirely, and she did not even notice that she was kneeling in the bathtub, weighed down by that drenched tank top and shorts. The thought of Lightning finding out about the truth hurt more than getting raped. "She's… she's not going to forgive me…"
"Yes, so come back…"
"But I…"
"Your people killed her parents."
"No…"
"You killed her parents."
"I didn't… I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't—!"
"She won't love you anymore."
"I… Onee-san… she… wouldn't…"
"She won't love you anymore."
"Onee-san won't… love me anymore—"
"She will hate you."
"… She will hate me…"
"…"
"Onee-san… won't forgive me…" Vanille covered her ears and trembled in fear, rather than in the cold, "… if I stay… she would only hate me…"
"Submit."
"… Because I'm a… liar…"
There was only one thing on her mind as she was making her way home: Vanille. Poor girl kept apologizing after she learned about her background; she had to take her home, but even then, she cried herself to sleep. It was striking to know how unbelievably sensitive that girl was, Lightning thought. Perhaps it was because Vanille also lost her parents? Well, she wouldn't know – all she cared about was the Vanille right now – her past did not matter. Still, the soldier couldn't help but to wonder about those dreams she saw all the time that made her cry. Just the sight of her tears made her feel sick to the stomach. When Vanille cried, every single time, since the very beginning, deep inside, Lightning could feel her heart crying with her. Was this the definition of soul mate? Whatever the case, Lightning just wanted to cuddle with her, to sleep by her side, to be there with her.
She entered her apartment quietly – Vanille should probably be still sleeping. Maybe she shouldn't be bothering her after all? Perhaps they should have their roles reversed for once; Lightning wouldn't mind taking care of her – in fact, she'd be glad to. Vanille had never tried her cooking, so maybe her mood would turn for the better if she made something? The mere thought of it brought a smile to her face; she could already picture the redhead giggling childishly at her suggestion, and could only hold in the excitement of seeing her actually eating her food. Lightning did not even noticed that she was already standing in front of her room – should probably stop daydreaming – and gently, she pushed the door open.
"Huh?" How extremely odd; Vanille was nowhere in the room. But even stranger, her bed wasn't made (Vanille would always make it for her), and the chocobo doll the girl always cuddled with in her sleep was left on the ground. Lightning picked it up and stared at it briefly; she brushed the dust of its face and neatly set it back down on her bed. "Vanille?" The woman called out as she turned to head for the washroom.
No answer.
Lightning was beginning to panic. She burst in and looked about – nothing was in the room but thin air and the bright sunlight. Frustrated, she stomped out and headed for Serah's room, to which she really hoped that the girl would be in there—"Vanille!" Again, nothing but emptiness. She cursed infinitely in her mind as she ran out to the living room, hoping that she might have missed her sleeping figure on the sofa or something.
Again, no. Vanille wasn't there. The soldier hardly gave herself time to catch her breath – she kept coming up with guesses – if the girl wasn't here, then she should probably be shopping…? No, no… she didn't look like she was in the mood to shop at all. Perhaps she was hanging out with Gadot and them…? Or maybe she was down on the beach? The girl had never been down there in the afternoon, so maybe she was getting a feel of it? Yes, there really wasn't anything else to do here, so that was probably it. Lightning stumbled to put her boots back on, and without looking back, she headed outside.
It didn't take her long to get down – she was much faster if she took the stairs anyway. Lightning ran into the crowded eastern beach. The atmosphere was completely different from the one they were in yesterday; as it was currently noon, the amount of people here pretty much reached the peak. The soldier could care less about these people, however, as she only had her mind set on one. Could Vanille be amongst the crowd? She made her way to the centre, stepping past sunbathers and sandcastle-builders alike while trying to look for a certain redhead. Lightning made her way closer to the shore, not even bothering to look ahead of her because she was too focused on—
"Gah!" A yelp, and then a loud thud to the ground.
The strawberry-blonde had the highest hope that it was the girl she had bumped into, but it was only a teenaged boy, in nothing but a pair of yellow swimming trunks. "Watch it," She spat at him.
"Wha— you…" He stammered and got up, brushing sand off wherever they stuck on. Technically, she bumped into him, but how could he talk back at such a tall person? Standing straight, he bowed politely, and started, "I'm sorry, I should have watched where I was going,"
"Tch." She clicked her tongue and crossed her arms. Lightning wasn't seeking for an apology, she wanted Vanille…
"Um, onee-san, are you okay?" The boy asked, seeing how the woman was staring into space.
She snapped up to stare at him. Nobody else in the world called her onee-san but her. Only Vanille called her that. Lightning continued to look into the boy's cloudy, grey-green eyes… those eyes that were nothing like Vanille's beautiful green orbs… and her eyes moved to his messy silvery-white hair. … No, she was hallucinating. For a moment, she thought she had really bumped into the girl, but this boy was real – he was a real person. "I'm fine." She finally answered.
He swallowed. "Well, then, I'll just—"
"Hope!" A boyish voice called to the two. Strangely, Lightning recognized the voice. She turned to the sound and indeed, she knew the person – it was Maqui. "Eh? Light-san!" The blonde boy called, "Hm, I see that you've met Hope!"
She didn't care. Or, more specifically, she didn't give a shit. The woman nodded at him, and then at the silver-haired boy.
Maqui grinned. "He's my techy-buddy, along with those guys back there," He jerked a thumb behind his shoulder, gesturing at a group of young, teenaged boys. "So, what brings you here?"
She dropped her arms to her sides. Right, if Vanille was here then they'd probably know, Lightning thought. "I'm looking for Vanille. Have you seen her?"
"Oh, Vanille-san?" Maqui looked around himself, "Erm, well, I've been here for a good two hours now, and I didn't notice her at all…"
The soldier sighed. "I see." She tried her best to hide her disappointment.
"Uh, um…" He was also present last night, and he had a vague idea of what happened. Perhaps the two were fighting? That was why the woman was searching for her? Those were his thoughts. He wasn't entirely good at comforting, but he had to say something to brighten the mood. "L-Light-san, I'll try to have a look out for her. If I do see Vanille-san, I'll give you a call right away!"
Lightning nodded immediately. "That would be greatly appreciated, thanks." She turned around, thinking that she should head to the other side of town to look for her, but before doing so, she looked back at the silver-haired boy, "Kid, sorry about earlier."
"E-eh? Oh, oh – don't worry about it…"
She didn't even stay long enough to let him finish. The woman had already made her way to the staircase, preparing to head for the market. Her walking pace can be strangely fast, to the point where it would look like she was teleporting to ordinary people.
She was in the midst of people again, in the same market, just like that night… or day when they first mutually kissed. The only difference was that the girl wasn't present. As she walked past the stalls, she had in mind that it probably wasn't a bad idea to bring her here during the daytime – as everything didn't look that uninteresting as she said they would. Of course, she only told Vanille that it was more fun at night because it was like that when she last visited with Serah as young girls. It wouldn't even surprise her if it was actually more fun during the day.
The simple thought of walking through these streets again with Vanille brought a smile to her face, but first thing's first – she had to actually find her before they could do all of this again. Where could that girl possibly be? The night bar really was her last resort… Lightning had no idea where else she would go. Bodhum wasn't even that big. Would she wander off to a different residential area? Would she go visit Serah at Snow's apartment? Or would she be at the station, heading to god knows where? As she became more and more annoyed with these thoughts, Lightning's pace increased. She was near trotting by now, and the crowd around naturally gave way because she was still in her Guardian Corps uniform, and she had that ice-cold expression on her face. Those two physical attributes of hers were enough to scare away an entire army.
If it wasn't because of a familiar-sounding gun's noise, Lightning would not have noticed that she was right beside the game stall in which she won the girl the chocobo stuffed toy. She stopped running on the spot and looked at the surrounding radius of the stall. Nowhere. Vanille wasn't here as well. Lightning was more than frustrated by now. If she wasn't at the night bar, then she was going to kill someone. She stormed towards the stall owner, maybe he could help. "Hey,"
"Welcome— what the…! S-sergeant Farron!" And he was positive that the woman would never return, "How… how can I help you?" He smiled forcefully. "Do you want to play another game—"
"Cut the crap. Have you seen the girl who was with me last time? Redhead, pigtails, most likely in a pink tank top. Have you seen her walk by or something?"
"Eh – uh… n-no, ma'am, I haven't…"
Lightning muttered a 'thanks' quietly and then continued to head for the western side of town. "Where are you, Vanille…?" She hissed to herself. Seriously, how hard could it be to find a girl? She was a god damn sergeant, she could simply return to base and register the girl's name into the broadcast system – and then her name could be seen in every monitor of Bodhum. There would be no way that the redhead wouldn't be able to see – this town was unnecessarily jam-packed with monitors here and there. Yes, she could do that… Lightning switched her destination to the closest Guardian Corps outpost. That would be much quicker than running to the western beach.
But…
What was her last name? Lightning slapped a palm against her forehead. "Fuck…" How could she be so dumb! She didn't even know the girl's full name – how the hell could she register her in the broadcast system now? "Ugh…" The woman groaned in frustration.
Passerby's eyed her weirdly, but didn't stop to ask if she was feeling unwell.
So in the end, she really had to bet her hopes on the night bar. Lightning brought her head up and looked around once more; it was always best to double-check – triple-check, even, your surroundings under any circumstances. Those were standard rules she had learned from training. She turned to the game stall she was at earlier out of instinct, and… "Vanille…?"
The redhead was talking to the stall owner, and she looked… like she was in pain, but she was trying hard to smile. She was holding onto her chest with a hand unnaturally. The woman looked at the man; she tried to read their lips to figure out what they were talking about.
"… Over there! Sergeant Farron was looking for you!"
Vanille widened her eyes. She spun her head at the direction he was pointing at, and sure enough, the strawberry-blonde was standing, like a stone.
Lightning did not need to think twice; she dashed towards the girl with full speed, and didn't even care if she knocked people over.
Vanille, of course, started running as well. Truthfully, she had no idea where she could run to, but anywhere away from the woman would work. She just couldn't face her any longer…
The soldier, for some reason, wasn't catching up. It wasn't because of the massive crowd that was in her way, but rather, she really was having a hard time keeping up with the girl's speed. So, when she was chasing her last night on the beach, the girl wasn't running at full speed at all? What kind of joke was this? Being a sergeant, she couldn't keep up with a civilian?
If it wasn't because of the pain in her chest, this would be much easier. Vanille turned at corners and easily made it past anyone who came in her way with her amazing agility. But luck wasn't on her side. She made a wrong turn into an alley – into a dead end. She was about to head back out to continue running, but when she turned around, the woman was already present, and was blocking her way.
Lightning could not recall the last time she had panted like this. "Where are you going?" She asked. At least, none of the people or criminals she had chased up till now made her lose her breath. "Why are you running away from me?"
Vanille held onto her stinging chest.
"… Vanille…" She walked forward.
"Don't come…"
The woman stopped for a moment, but walked on right after. Nobody ever ordered her what to do – Lightning Farron always did as she pleased, so why would she listen now?
The girl looked down at her feet. "I beg you, please don't come…"
Yet the soldier was persistent; she approached the girl at a calm pace.
"Please, onee-san, don't come any closer…!" She stepped back.
But that only angered Lightning. She sped up and was finally close enough to grab onto her wrist.
"Don't—"
She pinned her against the hard, rough wall and trapped her body down with her own. "No. Don't you tell me what to do," The woman grunted.
Vanille shook her head. "Let go of me,"
She had no intention of doing so. "I don't know what the hell is wrong with you, but if you run away from me, how am I going to help?"
"Just let go!"
Her grip on her wrist tightened. "Are you even listening!" She raised her voice.
Vanille winced in pain and shut her eyes. "Are you listening?"
"…"
She fought hard to prevent those tears from seeping through her eyes – she had cried enough for the day. "Have you… even stopped once to think…?"
Lightning was speechless.
"Do you even know where I came from, how I got here, what I'm doing here, and who I am?" The redhead demanded.
She clenched her free hand into a fist.
Vanille swallowed. She was going to tell her – now was the only chance. "Onee-san, I'm—"
"Nobody talks to me like that." The soldier gritted her teeth as she spoke. Yes, not even her superiors talked to her like that. Her eyes sharpened and they flashed dangerously – she could feel her blood boil with rage. Taking hold of both the girl's wrists, she held them above her head with a hand. Lightning pushed a knee up and grinded it between Vanille's legs with force.
"Onee-san…!" She struggled to break free, but obviously the soldier was far stronger than herself. "What are you… what are you doing…!"
Lightning grunted a sound that resembled a wild animal's growl. Vanille was moving violently, squirming hard and trying her best to escape – why? Why did she have to be like this? Why did she have to resist? Why did she have to run? Why couldn't she just LISTEN TO HER? "Don't move,"
Vanille ignored that husky voice of an order. She continued to move wildly, unstoppably… perhaps this way, Lightning would get the message. Maybe then she would understand that she was unable to take it. "Don't be like this…" She whimpered.
None of the girl's words were going through her ears. Lightning couldn't hold back – she couldn't just let Vanille, her property, run away. Her morals weren't pulling her back anymore as the only thing she currently believed in was that she had to stop the girl from going away. She didn't care how or what she was going to do, there was just no way that she would allow Vanille to leave.
"Please stop…!" Her hands were locked tightly above her head, and every time she tried to move, Lightning's knee would push up higher, giving her that feeling… that same, unpleasant… disgusting feeling. And when she opened her tired eyes to beg for mercy, all Vanille could see were shadows of those heartless men. She squeezed her eyes shut, as she did not want to look at them.
Annoyed with her unwillingness to cooperate, Lightning gripped onto Vanille's chin and turned her head towards herself, subsequently crushing her lips against her soft ones.
She yelped helplessly and continued to squirm, but no matter how hard she tried, the soldier just did not seem to understand – her grip was getting tighter and tighter by the second – it was near impossible for her to breathe by now. How pathetic… just like the times when those men were holding her down, when they were hurting her, she couldn't run. Right now, it was exactly the same – Lightning, the woman whom she thought she could trust and love, was doing it again. So, everything she thought about her was wrong? Lightning Farron really was not a gentle and kind person; the concern she showed towards her up until now, all the things that Serah described her sister as… were they all just an act? Was this her real side? Perhaps, perhaps not. Maybe a more logical explanation was that she was fated to be this miserable and useless. Maybe… she was born to be tortured. The more she thought about this, the more her heart hurt. No matter how hard she tried to fight back, those tears just went with gravity when she blinked – she really wished she would stop crying. Actually, she couldn't even believe that she even had the tears left to cry for this.
Finally, the girl stopped struggling. Lightning decided that she could loosen her grip on her wrists; she still held onto them though, as she wanted her to maintain her position. The soldier was no longer trying to push her tongue into the redhead – it seemed like she gave up resisting. But she wanted Vanille to respond… she wanted more affection. So with her free hand, she moved down to slip underneath her tank top. Lightning wanted to touch her, she wanted to feel her, she wanted Vanille to—
… What is this?
Lightning could feel some sort of… moist scratch under the fabric. It felt like… fresh wounds? She pulled back quickly and lifted her tank top up – a scar… no, there were five… claw… marks…? – to find where the scars ended, or more appropriately, where they started. Her fingertips followed the trail; the blood has yet to dry, and she couldn't believe that she did not notice this earlier, but the bloody stains were visible on the pink shirt. Some of the blood was even seeping through the white bra she was wearing. The wound evidently did not look deep, but without proper treatment, any scar would bleed like this. "Vanille, what happened—" She cut herself off short when she found the girl crying, soundlessly.
She really was pathetic; the tears won't seem to stop no matter how hard she tried to think of happier memories. But it didn't matter – who would care, anyway? It wasn't like she had anyone who bothered about her safety or whatever. Even Lightning… even she could violate her like those men. Besides, being the one who took away this woman's family, being the one who murdered those innocent people, she probably deserved all of this. Vanille glanced at the soldier, who couldn't tear her eyes off her emerald ones. For the first time, the girl was looking at a scared Lightning. Swallowing hard, she began, "What's wrong?" Hatred… or was it anger? Whatever it was, something unpleasant went with her voice as she spoke, "I thought you wanted this."
Lightning stayed still. She couldn't find the right words to respond with.
"Why did you stop?" She continued, "Am I not enough for you?"
She looked away. She was afraid – yes, the mighty soldier was afraid to get caught in those green eyes. Those teary, crying… sorrowful eyes. What did she do? How could she not notice that the girl was in this much pain?
Vanille breathed. "Just do whatever you want." Her whisper was shaky.
… What? Whatever she wanted? What did she want? … Lightning did not know anymore. Shaking her head, she released the girl, who instantly slid down onto the ground like a lifeless body. The woman held onto her forehead with a hand, "What's wrong with me…?" She asked herself. Lightning gathered the remaining courage she had left and turned to look at the motionless girl. Her wrists were visibly bruised, her clothes were messed up, and the scars that ran from her left breast to her abdomen were screaming for attention. Then there was her face… that painful expression – she was crying. The tears weren't stopping, and that so-called kiss from earlier left deep bruises on her lips. This disgusting view of the violated Vanille… Lightning could not believe that she…
The girl looked up. How shocking, Lighting still looked scared. Vanille wasn't sure what stopped her from going any further, but if she did not try to run now, she probably never will get a chance… at least, that was what her inner voices were telling her. She stood up and pulled her tank top down. Her body was in so much pain that she couldn't maintain her balance, so she held onto the wall as she walked away. Vanille gave herself one last chance to look at the woman.
Lightning was looking blankly at her – her expression still as stunned as ever.
As though hundreds of needles pushed into her heart, Vanille let out a soft groan and held onto her aching chest with a hand. She could feel her heart beating rapidly against it… almost as if it were trying to tear out of her flesh so it could scream out the words she was unable to do so. Finally, she turned back to walk on.
Her reaction was instant. The soldier's hand shot up in light speed to hold onto the girl's hand. "Don't go," She said quietly.
"…"
Lightning walked closer, never letting go of her hand. "Don't go," She repeated.
Her body began to shake. It was anger, the girl was sure of it. "Why…"
She turned her around, with the hopes of seeing the usual, happy, beautiful green eyes she had always adored, but they were completely covered by her orangey bangs. "I don't want you to go."
"You're…" Vanille snapped her head up. Her eyes were already puffy from all the crying, but the tears just won't stop. It was almost as if here tear ducts were out of control. Her cheeks were near crimson, almost like she was caught with a heavy fever. The girl bit onto her lower lip to contain herself.
Lightning couldn't look at this. She pulled her in forcefully to embrace her, but again, Vanille fought wildly – she didn't want to be in this woman's arms.
"Let go… let go…!" Vanille cried breathlessly. She couldn't stand this.
Confusion and anger do not mix well, the woman decided. She didn't know what else to do – she could only hope that by holding her tighter, Vanille would calm down.
"You're all the same! You're just like them…!" Vanille tried to step back, she tried to push the woman away. She kept trying and trying, but she knew very well that it was pointless. Lightning would never let go.
"I don't want to hurt you. Please, stop moving…"
But she refused to obey, "Disgusting…" She pushed harder.
"Would you just stop…!"
Vanille ignored her once again, "I don't need sympathy from people like you…!"
The soldier was at her limit, "VANILLE!"
"DON'T CALL MY NAME!" Out of luck, she managed to free herself from the woman's strong arms. "… I'm begging you…!" She panted.
Lightning was also out of breath. She wanted to run and hold onto her again, but she could only wait for the girl's next move, for she did not want to use any unnecessary force again.
She took a few steps back, "I'm begging you… please don't call my name like that…" The wound in her chest was stinging – no, hurting like a god damn knife was carving onto her. Vanille could only relieve the pain by pressing her hand on it. Though, the rage in her heart made her clench her fist, and she ended up clawing at the flesh again. "… You call my name as if you care, but you… you're…" She shut her eyes so firmly she felt as though her eyeballs would bleed, "… You're acting like them!"
"Vanille,"
"Stop it! I said STOP IT!"
The woman walked forward.
She could hear the footsteps approaching even though she wasn't looking. The girl began to step back. "Don't come near me, don't come—" Her back hit the wall, she had nowhere to run.
Lightning wrapped her arms around the girl's trembling, delicate form. "I am not them," Her voice sounded as soft as the wind in the chimes, "… and I'm… sorry I'm like this," She swallowed, "I'm sorry it seems like I don't care, but I'm trying… I'm really trying to…"
This time, Vanille did not fight back. Perhaps it was because a part of her wanted to listen.
"I don't want to force you to tell me about your history, but… if I don't learn about it, I don't know how I can help you," She whispered into the redhead's ear, "Vanille, I…"
"Please stop…" Her voice muffled into the soldier's white Guardian Corps vest. "Listen to me,"
"…"
Vanille pulled away. She kept her head down. Still refusing to look the woman in the eye, she pushed her gently away. Lightning attempted to walk in again, but the girl reached out to stop her.
"What are you…"
"I don't deserve any of this," She interrupted the strawberry-blonde, and finally brought her head up. Her usual, bright, glimmering azure eyes were now clouded with grim confusion – even so, Vanille knew she had to finish what she started. "I'm a liar, a traitor, a coward, and… and a murderer."
Lightning furrowed her brows. "Vanille…"
"Doesn't it bother you? How the lost-and-found never called a single time, the way I dressed, the questions I ask you, my ignorance to the simplest things in this town…"
The soldier listened.
"Onee-san… don't you understand? I've been lying to you all along – I'm no typical schoolgirl from Eden, and neither am I a Cocoon citizen. I… I don't even bleed the same blood as you…"
She lost the will to step forward.
Vanille covered her ears – she did not want to listen to herself, but she had to go on. "I'm… my people were the ones who killed the innocent at the Fifth Ark – my people did it… they… I'm of their kind— and I…"
"Stop…" Lightning breathed quietly.
"Stop being so nice to me…!" Her voice rising, she was on the verge of crying again, "Your kindness, your hospitality, your love – everything does not belong to me! I'm just a selfish slut who abandoned my friends…! I did it all for my own safety – all because I'm incapable and pathetic—"
"… Vanille…"
"— So just kill me! Do whatever you want!" Vanille choked. "You said that you wouldn't mind killing people who aren't from Cocoon, am I right? Well, you were doing it moments before, why don't you continue? Why don't you just kill me…!" Her head was spinning – she felt as though she was dehydrated from all the crying. Her blurry vision prevented her from seeing the expression on Lightning, but that was probably for the best. "Kill me to avenge your parents…!"
"I said stop!" She slammed the girl against the cement wall once again, this time holding her by the shoulders.
It was all going to happen again, but she no longer cared. Vanille simply closed her eyes and waited for whatever the woman was going to do.
A moment of silence allowed her to regain her breath. Not only her, but Vanille's panting also echoed in the tight alleyway. For some reason though, the noise from the crowd that blended in with their breaths did not seem to reach their ears. Lightning grew tired and weak, her mind clouded with fear and uncertainty.
Fear…
… Because she could not find the will to kill this Pulsian, this enemy.
Uncertainty…
… Because she did not know whether she hated her or not.
Or did she?
Lightning leaned in until her forehead rested on the younger girl's shoulder – she didn't care what she just said – all she knew was that she needed support because she was about to pass out.
And when the woman's skin came in contact with hers, Vanille relaxed. Their heaving chests moved against each other with rhythm as they breathed.
"… If it wasn't because of you people, they probably wouldn't be…" Lightning was grinding her voice, but ironically, she was getting softer and softer.
"…"
She inhaled into the girl's pigtails and a faint scent of the shampoo they shared reached her nose. "I…" Lightning slid her arms around her slim waist, her touch stiffening the girl. "I can kill you so easily…" She pulled back to look at her, "… I can drill a bullet through your head, pierce your heart with my blade, I can even mutilate all of your limbs, and then report that I was simply taking care of a fugitive."
Even her sadistic words and her cold voice didn't affect her – Vanille was starting to wonder if she had lost it.
But instead of pulling out her weapon behind her, the soldier unexpectedly moved a hand up to touch the girl's moist and flushed cheeks. She traced a trail of her tears upwards and stopped at Vanille's waterline. Rubbing her fingers together to feel dampness, Lightning suddenly snickered – yes, snickered. "How stupid."
The woman's comment prompted her to listen on.
"I am going to join the military to avenge my parents." She spat, immediately changing the expression in the girl's face. "… That was what I told myself seven years ago." Lightning glared at Vanille as her fingers gently glided down her white neck, feeling her smoothness, and then traced her collarbone, "I've had that in my mind for the longest time." Slowly, she slipped her hand under that pink tank top of hers and pressed onto her wounds. Lightning could feel the still-moist scars – Vanille was still bleeding.
She bit onto her lower lip as the pain shot up her spine. Unconsciously, her hands reached to grab onto the soldier's vest.
"… And yet, here I am, unable to – no… incapable of killing a mere Pulsian… because I'm pathetic, just like how I always was from the start." Lightning soften her touch as she continued to feel the scars under the fabric.
Vanille watched as the soldier's eyes became filled with sadness. It looked almost like she was going to cry, and she did not know what overcame her, but Vanille could not imagine how heartbroken she would be if she saw a crying Lightning. So, without thinking twice, she moved her arms up to circle around her neck, pulling her close. Vanille knew exactly why the cold and heartless soldier could no longer appear in front of her eyes. Lightning was just… too… "Onee-san…"
It was almost haunting, her voice, but Lightning returned the embrace. "Hn," She huffed, "And now I'm in the arms of an enemy…" She didn't know why, but her body was shaking. "What is this…? I can't even bring myself to hate you – I can't hate your kind for killing them either… there isn't the slightest feeling of it…"
Vanille hid in her shoulder. "I'm so sorry…"
"Don't. Don't apologize." She ordered.
The girl wanted Lightning to hit her, to vent on her – she was mentally prepared, but what was all of this? "You're not supposed to…" She was screaming at herself to let go, but she knew very well that there was no way she could do such a thing. "Éclair Farron, you're not supposed to fall in love with someone like me."
The sound of her name coming from the redhead was like music. "But I already did," She pulled back and gazed into those shimmering green eyes, "Vanille, I love you, and nothing in this universe can change this feeling."
Why does it look like it's going to end soon? I had no intention of doing that… in fact, I think this is going to have at least… 2 more story arcs? I don't know, I'm just saying that it's nowhere near the end.
So, quite obviously, this is either a "I love it" or "I hate it" chapter… either way, tell me what you think! Sorry I didn't reply to the reviews from last ch though, I really am just too lazy. -_-
Reasons for a quicker-than-usual update: Easy and fun (yes, really) chapter to write, I actually finished this back in November, and…
BRB FINALS.
(Won't update for a while)