Summary: Joker breaks out Arkham for a pack of Oreos. Batman is less than pleased.
AN: Not sure if this is an alternate universe where Joker is a woman or if it's the future where Josie and Damien are Batman and the Joker.
I penned this one day because I was bored and wanted to giggle and lowkey; clips of TTG and Harley Quinn inspire this. I've seen clips on YouTube. I don't have HBO. I'm broke.

'Hey!' She shrieked as she banged on the door.

The two teen girls cowered behind the register as she banged on the door.

'Open up!'

They burst into tears as Joker's fist beat on the glass.

Or was it the hand of that orderly they cuffed to hers?

'I want a pack of Oreos. And maybe a can of Monster. Look, if you let me in, I promise I won't kill you.'

'The manager already called the police,' said the brunette, 'leave!'

'I don't want to have to break the glass!'

'Get out of here!' Screamed the blonde.

Joker sighed and began to whistle as she walked over to a metal can nearby.

As she dragged it over to the store, she saw the two teens and a middle-aged man run into n the office.
She staggered against the street post, taking hold of her breath, still recovering from a fight in Arkham's tv room a few nights ago.
She heaved it towards the window, immediately shattering the glass but triggering the alarm instantly.

'Damn.' She murmured the second the alarm began blaring.

The alarm meant now she'd have to be quick, alarms told cops, and where cops went...

He usually came after.

She climbed through the shattered window as quickly as her body would permit.

'Shit.' She said as the felt glass reopened her stitches.

This was quickly turning into a disastrous idea.

She fumbled into the store and staggered over to the cooler, and grabbed a four-pack of Monster.
By the time she made it to the snacks, she had begun to believe going back with the cops wasn't such a bad idea.
Dropping the Monster, she stumbled into the snacks and slid down onto the floor.
She looked over at the sweets scattered out and about; she noticed a pack of Double Stuffed Oreos.

And it was a ten-pack; jackpot!

She tore open the pack and tossed one in her mouth, so much better than that garbage they gave them at Arkham.

Except for Arkham's chili!

She would fight Wonder Woman for Arkham's chili!

Tired...

She felt so tired...

Joker cracked open a cold one and washed down the oreo; she didn't feel energetic.

What a ripoff.

And that loud ass alarm made it difficult to sleep...

She made a mental note to burn down every alarm company in Gotham.

But the thought made her wonder about their alarms...

And those alarm systems...

Who alarms the alarmists?

Was there a never-ending system of alarms alerting people?

Damn, these new meds had her on some weird ish...

The abrupt silence snapped her out of her thoughts.

Two sets of feet crunched on the glass outside forced her to focus.

'How long has the clown been in there?' Growled a familiar voice.

'About 30 minutes.' Said another voice.

She heard someone let out a tired sigh.

Seeing your face is a highlight of my day. She thought as she chewed on an Oreo.

She heard the sound of shoes crunching on the glass again, but it came closer and closer...
As the crunching came closer, she felt spirits tank deeper and deeper.
They stopped just a few next to her; she noticed a pair bat size boots next to her leg.

She mentally groaned but smiled on her face and looked up at The Bat.

He looked pissed as usual.

'Hiya Bats.'

'Joker.'

Something stunk up the joint...

Could it have been aftershave?

Was he wearing aftershave?

Why was he wearing aftershave?

What was he wearing that for...?

'What smells like a dead gigolo?' She swore she saw his eye twitch. 'What brings you out on this fine night?'

He glared at her but remained silent.

Those eyes...

On some nights, she could find herself getting lost in those eyes...

And on other nights...

And on others, they made her want to curl up in a protective ball.

They made her feel like a frightened little eight-year-old girl...

When he wanted to, The Dark Knight could be utterly terrifying...

'Dr. Allen.' Joker's grin widens as he goes on. 'She's been embezzling money from Arkham.'

'Has she now?'

'You already knew.'

It wasn't a question, nor was he wasn't surprised.

'Is that why she missed our last eight sessions? They tossed me to some kid fresh out of school.'

'What's their name?'

'Don't bother; they'll be gone in no time.'

'Stop torturing your doctors.'

'Stop torturing them...' She mused. 'No, no, I don't think I will. So, the old bird is a thief, when this come about?'

'She confessed after a Wayne accountant in charge of the company's charitable funds redid the numbers.' She giggled and replied through gritted teeth, 'What's so funny?'

'That guy has guy has the worst luck, wouldn't you agree?'

'Why did you break out of Arkham?' He asked, pushing past the question.

'Would you believe me if I told you-'

'No.'

'Well, goddamn... you're no fun.'

'What are you doing here?'

'Eating Oreos,' she beamed as she held out a half-eaten cookie, 'want one?'

'Why didn't you stay in Arkham?' He barked.

'I wanted some fresh air,' she barked back, 'and some Oreos.'

'You broke out of Arkham,' he growled as he lifted her off the ground by her hair, 'for a pack of Oreos!'

'Not just any pack of Oreos,' she cried out, 'double stuffed!'

He let her go, dropping her flat on her ass with a thud!

If she didn't know anything better, she'd swore she saw him smirk.

'I'm taking you back to Arkham!'

'You're taking me to Arkham because I stole a pack of Oreos?'

She threw a glare his way to find him scowling at her.

'Get up.' He said through gritted teeth.

'Gimme a minute.'

The drop took her breath away; that and the blood loss were making things more difficult.

'Get up.'

'Gimme a-'

'I said-'

'And I said gimme a minute, Goddammit!' She shrieked. 'Shit, man! I'm tired.'

'Get up!' He ordered as he grabbed her teal green roots.

She howled in pain and slammed her knee into his armored abs, it didn't hurt him, but it caused him to let go.
She took the opportunity to slug him; he stumbled a bit then hit her back, knocking her into the snack row.
As he stomped towards her, she hurled a variety of snacks at him, skittles and m&m's mostly, with the occasional pack of Starburst flying at him.

He grabbed her by her waist and dragged her out of the store, kicking and screaming.

In her weakened state, the kicks and screams came out as twitching and moaning.

Back to Arkham, she'd go...

The ride back to the Mad House was always quiet.

'So, Bats,' she said casually, 'how's everything besides this going?'

'Why did you break out of Arkham?'

He was never one for small talk; sometimes it was ok...

And other times...

'Oreos.'

'I'm not in the mood for games, Joker.'

She didn't have the energy for them.

'I only wanted some fresh air,' she hummed as she looked out the window, 'to go outside for a smoke to clear my mind-'

'What's on your mind?'

'Nothing.'

'Then why clear it?'

Why was everyone so eager to know what she was thinking?

Him.

Gordon.

The doctors.

She was allowed to have some secrets.

'Oh, you know, girl stuff.'

'Such as?'

'Just... Stuff.'

'What stuff?'

'Just... women's stuff?'

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and cleared his throat. 'Women's stuff.'

'Yes, women's stuff.' She said quickly

'Problems with your-' he sounded he was trying to talk to a kid. 'Are you-'

'Am I what?'

His cheeks were redder than her favorite shade of lipstick, Venetian red.

God, was he embarrassed?

'What's the problem with you?'

'Women's stuff.' She groaned.

'Is everything... Ok? That's- what's wrong?'

'What?'

'When you say women's stuff, are, uh... are you suffering from..?'

'From what?'

'Women's stuff.'

'Like what?'

'Are you... menstruating regularly?'

He asked her that like he was reading it out of a textbook or something, very monotonous.

Regardless of what he sounded like, he didn't have the right to ask.

'I'm sorry?'

'Are you having cervical or ovarian troubles?'

Joker felt a hot blush stain her cheeks. 'What?!'

'Are you having gynecological issues?'

'No!' She flared.

'Did you give yourself a breast exam today?'

'Excuse me?'

'Did you discover a lump in your breast?'

'How Dare-'

'This isn't fun for me either!'

'Then stop-'

'Not until I figure out what's wrong.'

'Stop asking-'

'Do you have a UTI?'

'That's none of your business!' She flared.

'Were you sexually active during your escape?'

'Don't you EVER ask me that-'

'Did you use protection? Are you experiencing symptoms of an STD? How many partners did you have? Do you remember all of them?'

She could have slapped him for asking those questions!

'Not that kind of stuff!' She growled.

'Oh.'

'Why do you always assume stuff like that when I say it's something involving my gender?!' She barked.

'Because you refuse to tell me anything else!' He barked back. 'You withhold what you're feeling, so what am I supposed to think?!'

She glared at him, only to find him glaring at her.

She turned away from him, still feeling his icy glare upon her.

He was such a child sometimes.

'That maybe I just don't want to talk.'

'And on that, I must call bullshit.'

'Why must you?'

'Because you adore the sound of your voice!'

'I could say the same about you, Batsy!'

'Don't call me that!'

'Can you just-' she stopped. 'I don't talk about it.'

'And I didn't want to drag your sorry ass back to Arkham tonight, yet here we are!'

'I would have gone back to Arkham with the Commissioner.'

He threw a hateful glare her way; he seemed to hate the idea of her preferring the commissioner's company.

He always got a bit iffy when she expressed interest in communicating with someone other than him.

'I don't believe you.'

'Then you can go fuck yourself!' Something jabbed her in the thigh. 'Ow! You asshole!'

She tried to grab him, but the seatbelt prevented her from reaching her goal.

'You fucker!'

'I don't need you bleeding all over of the car.' He growled, but the smirk on his face let her know that he was pretty amused at the situation.

The prick.

'Oh.' She replied sourly. 'Sorry.'

'Did just I hear an apology?'

'No, dickless.'

'Why did you start that fight?'

'You started it; I was merely defending myself.'

'I'm not- why did you start that fight in tv room three nights ago?'

'I don't want to talk about it.'

'You don't have a choice!' He said as he turned to her.

The car was at a complete stop, and the road was bare if the Bat decided to snap...

She'd be at his mercy.

She'd been at his mercy since the moment they met, but for some reason, the idea became far more terrifying now.

The air becomes thick for some reason...

'I was watching tv when another patient changed the channel.' She said in a quiet voice as she edged closer to the door.

He eyed her, seemingly puzzled by her quivering, but something...

Something must have clicked in that hard head of his because he backed away.

She wished he informed her; maybe it'd help alleviate her troubles if she could name the explanation why she seemed to cower away tonight of all nights...

'That's it?'

No, that's not it, dick.

'Yes.'

He started driving again, and the air was calm again.

For now, at least...

'So, why do you smell like you're on a date?'

The Bat's grip tightens on the wheel.

'Were you on a date?'

The Bat threw a glare her way, but she could tell the question caught him off guard.

In rare moments when she managed to do this, he was easier to read than an open book.

'Oh. My. God. You were on a date.' She chuckled.

'I wasn't.'

'Well, if you were, sorry if I ruined your chance to lose your virginity.'

'Will you stop-'

'Well, you inquired about what gotten into me; I figured it's only fair if I asked who you're getting into.'

'Joker!' He said in a high voice. 'Must you be so vulgar!'

'Yes, I must.'

'Seriously, why did you break out of Arkham?'

'And we're back on this...'

'Yes, we're back on this.' He growled. 'Why?'

'Can we just not?'

'Joker-'

'No, no- not- not tonight, please, I just... don't...'

He glanced her way, but remained silent for a long time, then finally he said, 'Really? A 7/11, Joker?'

'What?' She looked at him.

'Of all of the places you could have gone, you chose a 7/11?'

'They have the slushies I like.'

'But you didn't get a slushie.'

'I was gonna!' She insisted. 'But then I saw the Oreos.'

'Arkham's food can't be that bad.'

', no, it's not. And the chili is amazing!'

'Why didn't you eat any tonight?'

'My medication makes me sleep for hours.'

'And, what's the longest it's made you sheep?'

'12 hours...'

'You slept through dinner...'

His tone told her that he felt like an ass hole.

'Yes.'

'You could've told them you were hungry.'

'Who says I didn't?'

'And they still refused to give you food?' He scoffed in disbelief. 'What did you do?'

'Nothing.'

'Then why are they targeting you?' He asked in a condemning voice.

The toffee-nosed bastard.

'They don't care about us, especially me.' She half mumbled to him, half to herself. 'The only time they treat us right is when they know you or Gordon are coming.'

'I see.'

She could almost hear his unspoken proclamations of them getting what they gave.

Or them deserving worse.

Or of them being animals.

This was his favorite insult, that and freak.

Freak hurt more than being called an animal.

''But, it's what we deserve, right?'

'I didn't say that.'

'But it's how you feel about us, right?'

'Is that why you escape?' He sneered. 'Because someone bruised your ego.'

'You are such a bastard!' She snapped. 'Why do you always assume I'm the reason why the people in this shithole are shitheads?!'

'You usually are.'

'Did it ever occur to you that maybe they're the reason why I'm this way?!'

He stopped the car, his hands clutching the wheel tightly. Joker found herself thinking about how white his knuckles must be under his gloves.
They were approximately two, maybe three miles away from the madhouse; she could see the lights.

'You set this city on fire.'

'It's was burning when I got here.' She glanced over at him. 'You were here first; maybe you lit the match.'

'If I lit the match, then you doused the place in gasoline.'

'And you handed me the gas can.'

'I'm trying to help you. You do know that, right?'

Was that a real question?

'Yes, I know.'

Of course, she knew; he was the only one who gave a damn.

His grip on the wheel loosens, and he relaxed for the first time all night.

'Then why do you insist on fighting me at every given opportunity?'

His voice didn't sound like itself; he said surprisingly human.

'I... don't know.'

Honestly, she didn't know what was wrong.

'If something is wrong, you have to inform me.'

'I know...'

He started driving again. 'But, as you said, not tonight. Let's get you back to Arkham.'

'Alright.'

She relaxed for the first time since escaping Arkham.

'So, your hair is pink now?'

'No, it's called ombre. See, my roots are my natural-'

'Natural?' He teased.

'Yes, Bats, natural! My doctor thinks I have pent-up resentment towards you because the chemicals changed my appearance. The doc thought it'd help me reclaim my identity.'

'Are you angry about that?' He inquired, sounding like a child who's been chastised. 'Do you think I deformed you?'

'It doesn't matter anymore, Bats.'

'So, then tell me. Do you think I deformed you?'

'Somewhat, I guess. I mean, I was quite beautiful-'

'You still are.'

It came out in a growl, but it came out.

He thought she was gorgeous; had he meant to say it?

If she questioned or teased him about it, he might take it back.

'I don't care about my hair,' she went on, 'but it is irritating to have people call me Casper all of the time.'

'There are pills-'

'I'm tired of swallowing a handful of pills every day. I don't want any more.'

'Ok.'

'I'm past all that now; besides, guys see me as a tragic beauty, and the chicks dig the homicidal clowns.'

He grunted at the comment; he always did get odd when she talked about... that.

She often toyed with the idea of recruiting a playmate as he did.

Unlike him, however, she wanted a grown-up to play with.

Someday, she wanted someone to tame this carnival she called her heart.

A ringmaster if she's trying to be funny.

Didn't he want to bring a female back to the cave?

She noticed scratches on his armor and felt her heart sink.

His queen is probably waiting up with their little Robins.

'Do you think of me as a tragedy?'

'Sometimes.'

'Only sometimes?'

'But as for your looks, I'd say it's more haunting than tragic.'

'I haunt you?'

'You haunt this city.'

'But do I haunt you?'

'Are you looking to haunt me?'

'Sometimes.'

'Only sometimes?'

He was unusually expressive tonight; maybe that date is to blame.

'Why do you think of me as a sometimes tragedy?'

'You want to be a tragedy?'

'No, I mean, why am I a tragedy only some of the time?'

'We're here.'

Of course, they were; that always happened at the end of their trips to Arkham.

Whenever they were getting somewhere with each other, it was time to part ways.

'It'll be a few minutes before the goons get here; we can still talk-'

'Are you ready to tell me what's on your mind?'

'We're not talking about me anymore...'

'Sure we are; it's all about you.'

'Why do you think of me as a sometimes tragedy?'

'As you often say during our interrogations, tit for tat.'

'We spend too much time together.'

'And why do you think that is?'

'Who are you, my therapist?'

'You're avoiding the question.'

'Now, that does sound like something my therapist would say.'

'Joker.'

'I guess you can't get enough of the clown.'

'Maybe it's you who can't get enough...'

'Well, duh.'

They locked eyes for a few moments, then looked away. She felt a blush redden her cheeks.

'Don't bully this new kid.' He said finally.

She got a funny feeling that he was smiling, but when she glanced his way, there was no smile.

He probably had a beautiful smile.

'The new kid's hot.'

'Don't sleep with them either!'

'Bats, I'm... hearing jealousy in your voice.'

'Concern.'

Was it concern because he cared or feared his favorite punching bag might get better?

Control, it's control, not concern.

But she lived for moments like this, his ego clouding his judgment.

'Isn't that how it usually starts?'

''How what starts?'

'Great love affairs.'

'I don't want to hear a peep out for you for the rest of the night.' He scolded. 'In fact, I want you to stay in Arkham, at least until your wounds close.'

'Fine.'

'I wish you would have told me that you were hungry.' He sighed. 'I would've stopped and gotten you something...'

'It's okay. One of the orderlies is screwing around on his old lady; I can use that little nugget to eat.'

'Here.'

She looked down and saw two packs of Munchies crackers in his hand, and they were the jalapeno kind, sweet!

'When did you get these?'

'You threw them at me.'

'Oh. I can't accept this.'

'Yes, you can.'

'Not after the shit I've caused.'

'It's nothing, besides it's was unusually pleasant. We don't usually end things so peacefully.'

'Well, when you've been together for as long as we have, you have to spice it up now and again. Otherwise, you'll bore your partner.'

'I don't think we have to worry about that. Even at your worst, I could never cite you as boring.'

He could be quite the charmer when he needed to be...

'I bet you're quite the lady killer without the cape and cowl. Maybe we should start having our playdates without our costumes.'

'What are you saying?'

'Instead of playing The Jester and The Bat, maybe we can play another game.'

'I told you I'm not in the mood for games.'

'Oh, I think you'll fancy this one.'

'You're bleeding out.' He deadpanned.

'But I'll get better,' she grinned, 'and this game of ours is getting a bit old.'

'I hope this game is getting old for you.'

'It's like I said when you've been together for as long as we have, to spice it up now and again.'

'And how do you want to that?'

'By playing a new game, just the two of us. But what should we call it?'

'Quiet mental patient that stays in the hospital.'

'I was thinking about a more... hands-on game.'

'More so than this one?'

'A lot more.'

'Why must you always turn it to that?'

'Why must I what?'

'Why must you always have to make things so,' he paused as his eyes scanned her from head to toe, 'dirty?'

The way he said dirty made her shudder.

What was going through his mind?

'I was talking about a simple game of hiding 'n' seek.' She said with a grin. 'What game were you talking about?'

The cowl covering his face made the blush of his cheeks look crimson.

'Of course, you were.'

'What dirty things do you want to do, Bats?'

The Bat glared at her, and she seemed unable to look away. Something in his eyes, they were... they far more intimidating than him at his worse...

But it wasn't anger...

Could it be lust?

No, The Bat doesn't...

Well, he is human; that's one strike against him.

And he is a man, another strike.

She was always in his face, teasing, flirting, and flaunting her body in front of him.

What dirty things did The Bat want to do?

How far could they go before they lost control?

Assuming he could control himself?

It was one thing if she lost control, for he was always there to put her in check...

But if he lost control...

Oh, God, if he lost control, the trouble they could cause.

The knock on the window made her jump and turned away from him.

An orderly with a black eye glared at her, the car swooshed open, and a group of men jerked her out of the car, and she felt a tiny prick in her neck.

'Wait!'

Needle in her neck...

Before the blackness came, she glimpsed a dark figure casually pursuing her.