It was now a little over a month since Mike's grandmother had passed away, and things seemed to be back to normal at last. Mike had just spent the weekend with his children, and the Texan smiled when Micky bounced into the room after two days apart.
"Hey!" Micky called excitedly, bending down to kiss his partner on the lips.
Mike smiled. "Hey."
Micky sat down next to the Texan. "Did you have a good weekend?" He asked.
Mike nodded his head. "Yeah, it was nice."
"Good!" Micky said enthusiastically. "You'll never guess what happened today!"
"What happened today?" Mike wondered.
"Well I was with Samantha, you know, just discussing baby things, and I felt the baby kick!" Micky exclaimed. "I mean, the baby has been moving for a while obviously, but I've never felt it move. We were just sitting there talking and suddenly Sammy grabbed my hand and placed it on her stomach, and I felt the baby kick. Like it was insane, man. It was totally wild! There is literally a human being inside another human being, like, literally in her belly, and I felt it move inside of her. It was so crazy, I've never felt anything like it before!"
Mike had a small, amused smile on his face as he watched and listened to Micky talk so excitedly about his unborn child. "That's great, Mick." He said.
"How weird is it, though? How weird is it that a human grows inside another human." Micky's eyes were wide in wonder. "It really makes me appreciate the human body, or the female body, even more. I can't imagine what it must feel like to have a little person inside of me. Can you imagine it? Can you imagine what it'd be like if men could get pregnant? I tell you, I have such a new respect for women. I mean, obviously I knew that's how it worked and whatever, but actually feeling it... it makes it so real, you know what I mean? Like it's actually happening."
Mike nodded his head slowly. "It's a special moment, feeling your baby move for the first time." He said.
Micky snapped himself out of his little moment and looked at his partner seriously. Mike looked happy for him, but not as happy as Micky would've liked. Micky suddenly felt a little unsure.
"You don't mind me talking like this, do you?" Micky asked carefully, causing Mike to look at him blankly. "I mean baby-talk. You don't mind me talking about the baby, do you?"
"Why would I mind?" Mike questioned.
"I don't know, I don't want you feeling left out or anything." Micky replied awkwardly. "I don't want you to feel like you're not a part of this. That's why I want to tell you things like this, because I want you to feel involved - I want to involve you. I don't want to shut you out of this."
Mike smiled sympathetically. "It's okay, Micky." He said gently.
"Then what's up then?" Micky wondered. "You seem... I don't know, downbeat, I guess."
Mike continued to smile, but it wasn't a happy smile. Mike sat back on the couch and let out a little sigh. Micky's eyes were then drawn to the coffee table in front of them, and right there on the table was an open, unfolded letter. When Micky looked a little closer, he knew immediately that the letter was from Mike's grandmother.
Micky closed his eyes, sighing guiltily. "You read the letter." He said, opening his eyes and looking at Mike. "Why didn't you say something?"
Mike smiled weakly, giving the curly-haired man a knowing look. Micky caught on. "Because you couldn't get a word in with me and my big mouth going on and on about the baby." Micky sighed, rubbing his face awkwardly. He felt guilty that he hadn't even given Mike a chance to say he'd read the letter. "I'm so sorry, babe. I'm such an idiot."
"No you ain't." Mike said, still smiling sympathetically at his partner. "You were excited. You weren't to know I'd read it."
Micky sighed, leaning forward and picking up the letter from the table. "What does it say?" He asked.
Before Micky knew what was happening, the letter was being snatched from his hand. "Don't read it." Mike snapped, surprising Micky with his change in mood.
"I wasn't going to read it." Micky said quickly, defensively. "I was just going to hand it to you."
Mike's face softened, and he blew out a breath. "Sorry." He said guiltily. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you."
"It's alright." Micky assured him, although he felt a little disturbed by Mike's defensiveness. "Do you not want to tell me what it says?"
Mike looked uncomfortable. "She just says how proud she is of me, that's all." He said.
"Well that's good, isn't it?" Micky asked, placing his hand on top of Mike's. "I told you she was proud of you."
Mike smiled weakly, looking down at the letter. "Yeah, you did." He said quietly.
"Why didn't you want me to read it?" Micky wondered, curiosity getting the better of him. "I'm not saying I want to read it, but I get the feeling there was something in it you didn't want me to see."
Mike looked up, and the Texan still looked deeply uncomfortable. "She uh," He scratched his head. "She just mentioned Phyllis a lot, that's all."
Micky tensed up a little, but only because of his partner's obvious discomfort. "Well that doesn't matter. I do know you were married, Mike. Well, you technically still are married to her."
"Yeah, but... I dunno." Mike mumbled, staring at the piece of paper again.
Micky gave the Texan a reassuring smile. "It's alright, you know." He said.
Mike looked up. "Grandma says she was proud of me, despite all my mistakes, despite the way I treated my wife... She says she knows I'm a good man, and she never doubted it."
"And she's right." Micky said, looking at Mike hard. He stroked Mike's hand with his thumb. "You should be smiling, Mike. Because even though she's gone, she's still looking out for you. She still wants you to know how highly she thought of you. That's really, really groovy of her. She sounds like such an amazing lady."
Mike looked at Micky thoughtfully, and Micky hoped that his partner was taking in what he'd just told him.
"Please smile." Micky said, squeezing Mike's hand. "This is the last part of the journey now. You've had the funeral, you planted the tree - this letter was the last piece of the puzzle. Now you've read it, you can finally, truly move on."
Mike nodded his head slowly. "Thanks, Mick." He said, looking down at the letter again. "I'm sorry I ruined your moment. You were so excited about the baby. I feel bad that I've dragged you down."
"Hey, don't be silly." Micky told him. "I'm the sorry one. I wish you'd have told me you were going to read it."
"I didn't plan to." Mike said. "When I got back here after taking the boys home I just- I don't know. I just really felt like now was the right time. I don't know why."
Micky smiled gently. "Well you've read it now. You've been doing so well this past month, but this is the final thing you needed to do to get real closure. Now you've done it, you can move on properly. And you can move on knowing how proud she was of you. Nothing and no one will ever be able to take that away from you."
Mike smiled, squeezing Micky's hand. "Thank you, darling." He said.
A little later that evening, the couple sat in silence eating dinner.
"You're quiet tonight." Mike spoke up, disturbing Micky from his thoughts.
Micky looked up. "Am I?" He asked.
"I normally can't shut you up if I ain't seen you for a couple'a days." Mike said, watching over his partner carefully. "Not even when you're eating."
"Sorry, I didn't realise I was being quiet." Micky replied.
"What's up?" Mike wondered, laying his fork onto his plate gently.
"I had lunch with Mom yesterday," Micky sighed. "She still keeps asking me why I'm not with Samantha. She just won't quit it. Apparently me being in love with someone else isn't a good enough reason to not be with the mother of my child."
Mike looked down at his plate. "She'll come round, Micky." He tried to reassure him.
"Will she?" Micky asked. "I can't help thinking it'd be easier if she knew I was in a relationship. That way I might be able to get her off my back."
"I don't think that's a good idea, Mick." Mike said, looking up. "If she's anything like you, if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile."
"What does that mean?" Micky wondered.
"It means that she won't be satisfied knowing you're in a relationship; she'll want to know with who, even if you tell her you don't want to say." Mike responded. "So that'll be somethin' else she'll end up questioning you about."
Micky was silent, and he started prodding his food with his fork. "Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if I just told her everything." He admitted quietly.
Mike looked uneasy. "There ain't no point thinking like that." He said.
Micky looked up. "Don't you ever think about telling your mom about us? Don't you ever wonder what she'd say or how she'd react?"
"No." Mike replied bluntly. "I know how she'd react so there's no point me even toyin' with the idea. It ain't an option so there ain't a point thinking about it."
"You think she wouldn't be happy?" Micky asked.
"I know she wouldn't be happy." Mike stated.
Micky went silent again for a moment, still poking his food with his fork. "I think my mom would be cool with it." He said after a moment. "I mean, I know she's not against people like us. She's not homophobic or anything." Micky lifted his head to see Mike looking incredibly uncomfortable. "I think she'd support us." He said.
"But you don't know that." Mike said, his voice a little cold. "It's pointless having this conversation."
Micky frowned. "Why is it?"
"Because we ain't telling anyone, so we're wasting time even discussing it." Mike said firmly.
"But it's something we need to discuss one day. Why not now?" Micky questioned. "I'm not saying I want to tell my mom right now. I'm just saying, in the future, I think she'll be alright about it. I don't think she'll exactly be thrilled by it, but I think she'd come round to the idea. It's like I said, she's not against people like us."
"She might be okay with some guy down the road bein' a queer, but it don't mean she'd want her son being that way." Mike said, causing Micky to frown at his partner's bluntness. "I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but it's true. She wouldn't want that for you, so that's why we keep it quiet."
"You don't know that." Micky hit back. "She's my mom; you don't know her like I do. I know she'd love and support me no matter what."
"This conversation is over." Mike said, sitting up tall and pushing his shoulders back.
"No it isn't." Micky protested, feeling annoyed by the Texan's attitude. "I'm not finished talking."
Mike stared at the curly-haired man from across the table. "What's the point in wasting our time?" He asked. "We can spend an hour talkin' about flyin' pigs, but it don't mean pigs are gonna suddenly grow wings and fly away. It's stupid."
"So what, you're saying that we're never going to tell anyone? Not ever?" Micky asked.
"You know that's the way it is. It always has been that way and it always will be that way, Micky." Mike said.
"I'm not talking about announcing us to the whole world, but where is the harm in telling a few people close to us, a few people we can trust?" Micky asked, feeling frustrated and a little scared. "My mom would hardly out us to the world, would she?"
"And what if she turned her back on you, huh?" Mike pressed. "Then what? You think you'd be able to live with that, do you? You think I'm going to let that happen to you?"
"For a start, she wouldn't do that." Micky protested. "And secondly, this isn't about you letting me. She's my mom and it'd be up to me if I told her or not."
"You ain't telling her or anyone else. That's final." Mike said. He pushed his chair back and rose to his feet.
"Don't talk to me like that." Micky snapped. "Don't talk to me like I'm one of your kids. This is something we need to discuss, Mike."
"Why?" Mike questioned, losing patience. "You knew it had to be this way. You knew it."
"Yeah, I know, but- but it's not going to be this way forever." Micky said, standing up also. "Why are you making out it's such a crazy idea for me to want to share my happiness with my mom?"
"Do you really honestly think she'd just accept the fact that her only son has abandoned the mother of his child - her first grandchild - to be with another man?" Mike asked, his eyes narrowed. "You think she'd be cool with that, do you?"
"I told you, I know she'd be shocked but in the end she'd be okay with it, I'm sure she would!" Micky hit back.
"Now you're only sure; a minute ago you said you knew she'd be okay." Mike swiped.
"Why are you being such a jerk?" Micky asked, his face falling.
"Because I'm trying to protect you, Micky." Mike replied firmly. "Because there ain't no way I'm gonna stand back and watch you suffer when people don't react in the way you want 'em too. You need to open your eyes and realise not everything turns out great just because you want it to. I've told you this before."
"Don't patronise me." Micky snapped. "You think I don't know the risks? Of course I know the damn risks."
"Then why are we having this conversation?" Mike asked, raising his voice. "If anyone found out about us, we'd be finished!"
"Why do you say that?" Micky asked, aghast. "Do you honestly think no one will ever find out about us?"
"I think that you need to accept that things are the way they are and there ain't nothing we can do to change that." Mike stated. "I shouldn't have to spell it out to you."
"I'm not saying I want to tell anyone now." Micky said. "You're acting like I've said I want to put a fucking ad in Tiger Beat about us or something!"
"And why am I the bad guy for not wanting to see you get hurt?" Mike questioned.
"It's not up to you to protect me!" Micky raised his voice. "You have no idea what the future will hold, we've been through this before. You have no idea how things are going to change. In a few years time, things might be totally different for people like us. A few years ago it was illegal to do what we're doing, but it's not now, and as time goes on things will only get easier and easier. There will hopefully come a time when we won't have to hide away anymore. I mean, we don't have to hide away, not really. I know it's complicated because we're famous but- but I know quite a few gay guys and they're fine. They're cool. They're out and open about who they are. You don't know that we can't be like that one day. You don't know anything."
Mike rubbed his face with his hands, squeezing his eyes shut. "Those gay guys you know get abuse." He said, emerging from his hands. "Just look at yourself; look at how you reacted all those times we've been out, in bars or clubs, and we've had to hear homophobic bullshit. All those insults that weren't even aimed at us, weren't even aimed at you, and you acted and looked like they were. We'd get home and you'd be so hung-up about it. I don't give a shit about that kinda stuff, Micky, but you do. So if you think I'm being a fuckin' jerk for wanting to spare you from that shit then I hold my goddamn hands up."
Micky was silent for a moment, his heart sinking. "I'm not talking about everyone knowing. Just a few people, one day... is that really too much to ask?"
"And if those few people turn their backs on you, then what?" Mike questioned.
"I'd deal with it." Micky replied with a bit of attitude. "But you don't know that people will turn their backs on us. You don't know shit."
"And neither do you." Mike swiped. "But what I do know is that it ain't worth the risk. You seriously want to risk everything, for what? So you can have a couple of people over for dinner? So you can have a good gossip about me? Is that really worth risking our entire relationship for?"
"You're being such a fucking asshole." Micky spat. "It's not a crime to want to share happiness, you know!"
"And yet we'd be the ones that'd end up getting punished." Mike hit back. "We've been through this a hundred times; you care about what people think of you. It'd kill you if people hated you for who you are!"
"But they might not!" Micky shouted, gripping his hair. "And what if someone found out by accident, what then? Would you dump me, is that what you're saying? If someone found out about us, we'd have to break up. Is that it?"
Mike stood there staring at Micky. He looked as if he had no idea how to answer that question.
"How long do you plan on being with me, Mike?" Micky asked. Mike stood there silently. "It's a pretty straight-forward question. Is this just a temporary thing, or is it for keeps?"
Mike's eyes turned to the floor.
"Okay, let's try this." Micky went on. "How long do you want to be with me?"
Mike looked up. He stared at Micky hard. "Forever." He replied quietly.
"So between now and forever, until we're grey, old men, you don't think anyone will find out about us?" Micky questioned. "Say we're together for the next 50 years of our lives. You don't think there's even a tiny chance that one person will find out that there's something going on between us?"
Mike was chewing the inside of his mouth.
Micky watched his partner and felt his heart sink into his stomach. "But you don't think we'll be together for that long, do you?" He asked sadly.
Mike continued to stand there - he could no longer look Micky in the eye, and instead the Texan's gaze was fixed on the floor.
Micky was getting frustrated and defensive, and he was losing his patience rapidly. "Why can't you open your mind for just a second and consider that maybe the whole world isn't against us?" Micky asked, his voice a little raised.
Mike looked up. "And what if it is? Open your damn eyes, Micky!" He sounded desperate. "This is what we signed up for, this is what you agreed to - you knew it had to be this way! You said you were okay with it!"
"You make it sound like some damn contractual agreement!" Micky hit back, exasperated. "This isn't a fucking business, Mike - these are our lives! This is our relationship and I don't want to have to hide it for the rest of our lives!"
"I am not having you risk everything for me!" Mike shouted, stepping forward.
"I'm already risking everything for you!" Micky threw his arms in the air - he was at the end of his tether. "We're risking everything for each other, why are you just making this about me? Why do you always make it about me? You're risking it all too!"
"Because you're the one who's saying you ain't happy, you're the one who wants to tell people!" Mike yelled, and he too looked to be near breaking-point. "I'm happy with the way things are, I could handle people turning their back on me, I could handle some stranger in a bar calling me a fag - I don't give a shit, Micky! But you do. You do care about that shit and when it all goes wrong I'd be the one who'd have to pick up the pieces and listen to you talk about how unfair life is."
"It can't be like this forever." Micky said, his voice no longer raised. Instead he sounded sad - desperate, almost.
"Why can't you just be happy with the way things are?" Mike shouted in Micky's face before he begun pacing backwards and forwards. "You always want more, Micky! You're never satisfied!" The Texan paused, staring directly at the curly haired man. "Do you have any idea how shit it makes me feel knowing that I can't give you what you want? Knowing that I ain't enough for you? We're in a no win situation here Micky, because you'll never be happy! You're such an ungrateful little brat!"
Micky bit the inside of his lip, his heart sinking in his chest. He felt hurt by those comments and suddenly lost all will to argue or fight his own corner. Mike's face was in his hands, and Micky had no idea whether it was because he regretted what he said or because he didn't regret the things he'd said at all. Either way, Micky suddenly had an urge to leave, and he casually walked past his Texan partner and left the house.
Mike and Micky didn't see each other for the next two days - they hadn't even spoken. Micky was sulking, going through phases of feeling total anger towards Mike and then feeling sadness and fear. The fear was the worst thing Micky felt he had to deal with - Micky was fearful for what this all meant for his relationship.
Amongst his mixture of emotions, Micky also felt conflicted. "Does Mike have a point?" Micky wondered. "Yeah, he probably does."
Micky was asking himself a load of questions he hadn't dared ask himself before. While he was totally convinced his mother wouldn't turn her back on him if she knew truth, what if he was wrong? Micky wasn't sure how he'd cope with that. As hard as it was for him to imagine, Micky did start to see things from Mike's point of view.
But Micky was still reeling from Mike's "ungrateful brat" insult, and the comments about how Micky was "never satisfied". That hurt, and Micky resented the thought of Mike believing that he wasn't enough for him.
Micky didn't really know what to think or how to feel. Over the 48 hours since the argument took place, Micky tried to figure out his thoughts and feelings and come up with some sparkling idea on how he and Mike would be able to compromise and get through this rather large hiccup.
Micky had almost caved and called his partner. Another time he almost drove to Mike's house. In the end though, Micky was still angry and upset by the Texan's words, and he stayed at his house and waited not-so-patiently for Mike to make the first move.
Early that evening, Mike did make the first move. Micky answered his front door to see a sombre looking Texan standing there.
"Forgot your key?" Micky asked sarcastically. He didn't want to argue again, but while Micky wasn't overly proud, he was proud enough to not instantly welcome his partner back into his arms without an apology.
"I wasn't sure you'd want me to just come in." Mike replied. He wasn't looking Micky in the eye.
Micky rolled his eyes before walking back into the house, allowing the Texan to follow him. Micky walked into the sitting room before facing his partner again. "If you think I'm going to apologise, you're wrong. I don't have anything to apologise for." He said with attitude.
Mike gave a small nod of the head. "You're right. You don't." He said which surprised Micky. "What you think and how you feel ain't wrong. What I think and feel ain't wrong, either."
Something in Mike's demeanour made Micky feel uneasy. Mike's body language and the look on his face made Micky feel incredibly uncomfortable. Mike looked tired, and he didn't look particularly well, either. Micky had expected his partner to stand his ground, to fight his point further - but he didn't.
Micky didn't want his unease to make him drop his guard entirely. "So we agree to disagree then?" He asked before realising that wasn't particularly helpful. "Where does this leave us?"
Mike smiled weakly. "Let's sit down so we can talk." He said.
The nerves in Micky's stomach started to bubble and burst. The couple sat down on the couch, and Micky pulled his leg up underneath him so he could look at Mike face-on.
Mike drew a deep breath in. He looked anxious, but strangely assured. Micky couldn't read the Texan's expression, but he knew all wasn't well. Mike's eyes looked tired. They looked sad. They looked...drained? Micky could only recall seeing that look in Mike's eye once before, and that was after Mike had broken down in Micky's arms after his grandmother's funeral. Suddenly the nerves Micky felt turned to panic.
Mike reached out and took hold of Micky's hand. Micky immediately felt that Mike's palms were sweaty, and that didn't do anything to help the ill feeling he felt in the pit of his stomach. Mike smiled - although it wasn't a happy smile - and he stared right through Micky's eyes and into his soul. The breath got caught in Micky's throat, concerned and unsure of what was going to happen next.
"Do you remember what I said to you when we first got back together?" Mike asked.
"Uh... you said lots of things." Micky replied honestly.
Mike smiled again for a brief moment, stroking Micky's hand with his thumb. "I said that whatever I do, it'll all be for you." He said quietly, gazing into Micky's almond-shaped eyes. "Even if you don't like it. Even if you don't understand it. Even if it makes you angry or upset, it'll all be for you. Everything. Do you understand that?"
Micky swallowed hard, giving his head a small nod. "I'd do anything for you, too." He said.
Once again, Mike smiled. It was such a warm smile that was filled with the deepest love. Mike reached out and touched Micky's hair for just a moment before pulling his hand away. His eyes fell, and he looked into his lap. "You're a good boy, Mick." He said in barely more than a whisper.
Micky watched Mike carefully, wondering exactly what was on his partner's mind or what he really wanted to say. Micky felt strangely hypnotised by his Texan lover.
Mike looked up. "You were right when you said that we needed to have that conversation." He said, looking a little more confident than before. "I've been a fool for thinkin' that it was a conversation that could be avoided. A selfish fool. I knew it'd have to happen, but I didn't want to admit it."
Micky chewed his lip anxiously. He didn't know what to say.
"I was wrong to make you feel bad for wantin' to share what we have with your mother." Mike continued slowly. "You should be able to share your happiness with her, with your friends, with whoever you want. You shouldn't have to lie and sneak around. Neither of us should."
Micky continued to watch the Texan.
"I know you're probably right when you say your mom wouldn't disown you if she knew the truth." Mike went on. "Maybe there would be a few people on our side... But we can't know that for sure. One thing I do know for sure is that there will definitely be people who aren't on our side."
Mike looked down, staring into his lap once more. "It's... it's complicated, you and me." He looked up. "We ain't two single, regular guys. There's a lot more we have to take into consideration. We're famous, Mick. Maybe not as famous as we were a couple of years ago, but people still take an interest in our lives. And I'm still married. I have three children, and you're going to be a father soon, too. This is...this is a mess, Micky. It's so complex. There are so many people involved, so many things we need to consider."
Micky sat there watching Mike, still biting his lip nervously.
"Maybe your mom wouldn't disapprove of you," Mike looked at Micky sadly. "But she would disapprove of me. And telling someone, anyone... the more people that know, the higher chance there is of other people finding out. The wrong people."
"We'd deal with it." Micky finally spoke up in a small voice.
Mike smiled, shaking his head slowly. "If what we have became public knowledge, it...it wouldn't be easy, Micky. There's no way I can have you going through all that because of me."
Micky shook his head frantically, leaning forward. "We'd both be in the same boat. We'd both deal with it together." He stressed.
Mike lightly grazed Micky's cheek with the side of his finger. "When I buy a nice jacket, I buy it because I like it. I buy it for me." Mike begun, causing Micky to frown - he had no idea where this was going. "When you buy a jacket, you ask if other people will like it. You care so much about what other people think of you, how they see you, if they like you or not... It ain't a bad thing, darling. That's just the way you are."
Micky hung his head.
Mike took Micky's face in his hands, lifting Micky's head so he could look at him. "As long as you're with me, you are never going to be as happy as you deserve. We are never going to live the life you need us to live in order for you to be truly happy." Micky shook his head slowly, but Mike still held Micky's face in his hands. Mike smiled sadly at his partner. "We're in a no win situation, Micky. You deserve so much more than this. I'm not going to have you spend your life living a lie. But I'm also not going to have you risk everything by telling people about us."
Micky's heart started to pound, and he felt his cheeks start to burn red - he wasn't embarrassed, he was scared. Micky gulped, the look in Mike's eyes almost causing a lump to form in Micky's throat.
"What are you trying to say?" Micky asked in little more than a whisper.
Mike smiled again, a sad smile that was still filled with so much love. Mike caressed Micky's cheek with his thumb, and Micky watched as the Texan's eyes started to fill with tears.
"I love you so much." Mike whispered, gazing at his boy. "I didn't tell you everything my grandmother said to me in my letter. She did say she was proud of me... despite all my mistakes. But she also told me that I could never again hurt anyone the way I hurt Phyllis. She told me to make amends... to put things right..."
Micky's eyes were locked on his partner's; Mike's eyes were glassy, but they still held the curly-haired man under an intense gaze.
"I can never let myself hurt you the way I hurt Phyllis." Mike continued, his voice so sincere. "I'm not gonna trap you in a relationship that is unhealthy and unfulfilling. I am not going to let you waste years of your life with me, when you could be with somebody else who can give you everything you deserve."
Micky's bottom lip started to wobble. "Please don't." He whispered.
Mike's face started to break, but he forced a smile. Mike held Micky's face tighter in his hands, staring at the boy in front of him so hard it was as if he was trying to bewitch him. "I'm going to give you a chance. I'm going to give you a chance to find somebody who can make you as happy as you deserve to be. Someone you don't have to hide away. Someone who won't have to hide you away. Someone you can share with your family, with your friends. Someone you can take out to dinner and walk hand in hand with in public."
Micky shook his head quickly, dramatically, like a child not getting his own way. "No. No, no, no."
Mike squeezed Micky's face in his hands, stopping the younger man from shaking his head. "You just need to find the right woman." Mike said, sniffing hard and trying to stop his lip from wobbling. "Maybe you've already found her. Samantha is going to have your baby soon. You need to focus on that. You're going to be a daddy, Micky."
Mike couldn't fight his emotions, and the tears started to fall from his eyes. "When Sammy has your baby, you will see her completely differently. She's going to give you the greatest gift you'll ever receive, and one of the many things that I won't be able to give you. And when she's here, when your baby is here, it'll all make sense. You can't risk missing out on that because of me. I ain't going to let you."
Micky's entire body was shaking, and he continued to shake his head as tears started to fall from his eyes, too. "No. No, you're wrong. Please don't. Please. P-Please." He cried, gripping hold of Mike's arms. "You don't have to do this. I-I-I won't say anything about telling anyone ever again. I swear, I won't- I won't ever talk about it. I don't care. I don't care about telling people. I don't care if we have to keep it a secret. I'll-I'll change."
Now it was Mike's turn to shake his head. "I don't want you to change." Mike sobbed. "You shouldn't have to change for anyone. That's not fair. You're perfect as you are. You deserve more than this."
"No!" Micky shouted, pulling away from Mike and staring at him in horror and pain. "I'm not letting you do this, I'm not letting you walk away from us again!" Mike hung his head. "Whatever happens, we'll deal with it. That's what you said! That's what we said when we got together!"
"We were wrong." Mike mumbled, unable to look at his partner.
"No we weren't!" Micky shouted, the tears running down his face. Micky grabbed hold of Mike's arms again, aggressively, gripping them hard. "I love you. We love each other. That's all that matters. Nothing else matters because we love each other."
Mike looked up, shaking his head. He looked desperately unhappy. "It's not enough." He said in a small voice. "That's the only reason we have for being together, but there are so many more reasons for us to be apart."
Micky buried his face in his hands. "Please don't do this..." He pleaded into his palms.
"Micky," Mike spoke gently, pulling Micky's hands away from his face. "You'll get over me. That's why I'm doing this now instead of years down the line. I'm giving you a chance, my darling. I'm giving you a chance to be truly happy. You'll be okay soon. You'll fall out of love with me and you'll move on. I never should've let you fall in love with me in the first place. I never should've let it get this far..."
Micky blinked, more tears falling from his eyes. "But we're good together." He gasped. "I don't want to get over you. I love you. I don't want anyone else."
"You won't feel like this forever." Mike said firmly, pleading with Micky. "You'll be alright. You can concentrate on being a dad... and when the right time comes, you'll find someone else. I promise you."
Micky shook his head heavily. "I'm not going to let you go." He cried.
Mike looked down for a moment, sucking a breath in and sniffing hard. He removed his hands from Micky's face before lifting his head to meet Micky's gaze. "It's too late." He whispered. He wiped away a tear from Micky's cheek, smiling at his boy sadly. "I've already told everyone who needs to know that I'm taking an indefinite hiatus from the group." Micky started shaking his head again in disbelief. "And... and I've spoken to Phyllis over these past two days..." Mike looked down, taking a shaky breath. "We're going to give our marriage another try, for the children. I'm moving in with her and the boys. We're going to give things a trial run."
Micky's heart stopped for a moment, his eyes wide in horror. He slowly moved away from the Texan, staring at his partner as if he was a total stranger. Mike was unable to look at Micky, instead he stared into his lap looking like a broken man.
Micky just sat there staring at Mike, his breath heavy and his body shaking. He was completely and utterly floored.
"Please understand..." Mike whispered, still unable to look at Micky's face.
"You don't love her." Micky said with more composure than he thought possible under the circumstances.
Mike finally looked up. "I don't think she loves me either." He admitted. "But we're giving it another try. I have to try and put things right. I've made so many horrible mistakes; I've hurt so many people... That's why I'm doing this. I'm not going to hurt you too."
"You have hurt me!" Micky shouted, rising to his feet. His legs felt like jelly and it was difficult to stand. "You're leaving me! You're giving up on everything, everything we've built together... I fucking love you, you fucking asshole! I fucking love you! I need you!"
Mike quickly stood up, a fresh batch of tears filling his eyes. He grabbed hold of Micky's arms in an attempt to calm him down. "I'm doing this for you." He stressed, his voice cracking. He started to sob. "It's all for you. It'll always be for you."
Micky gasped for air, his hand moving quickly to his face as he broke down completely.
Mike grabbed the sides of Micky's head, fisting his curls in his hands. Micky's hand slipped from his face, and he stared at Mike through his tears.
"Please understand." Mike pleaded. "As long as you're with me, you will never be happy, not really, not like you deserve. I want more for you than that."
"What about you?" Micky asked.
Mike stared at Micky, heartbroken and grief-stricken. The Texan leaned forward and planted a kiss on the curly-haired man's lips; the kiss tasted salty from their tears, and when Mike pulled back he looked at Micky with more sorrow than Micky had ever seen.
"Knowing that you're okay will make me happy." Mike said, his eyes filling with more tears. "That's all I need."
"But you won't be happy." Micky sniffed. "You don't love her."
"Maybe I can learn to love her again." Mike said, stroking Micky's hair. "We have to do this. I would kill for you. You won't feel this way forever, I promise you. I wouldn't hurt you like this if I didn't think it was for the best."
Micky had lost the energy and the will to fight.
"Please don't hate me." Mike whispered, gazing at his boy. "This is for the best. One day, at some point, you'll see that too."
"I love you." Micky whispered.
"I love you too." Mike said with a small smile. He hung his head, his face contorted in emotional pain. He let out deep breath before gasping air into his lungs again. Micky had never seen anyone look so broken.
Mike finally lifted his head, composing himself. He smiled the same smile Micky had seen a thousand times - that warm, loving smile that made Micky feel like everything would be alright. It was a trusting smile, a knowing smile. Micky suddenly become too entranced to cry, and instead he got sucked into the smile - Mike was pleading with him, begging him to understand. Micky's heart was shattered, but he understood. He knew what Mike was doing, and he accepted it. He trusted Mike. He trusted Mike so much that he forgave the Texan for breaking his heart.
Mike stepped forward and stood close in front of Micky's slightly shorter frame.
"Trust me." Mike whispered, hypnotising Micky. "This is best for us both."
Micky stood there with his eyes locked on Mike's. Without thinking, without understanding, Micky nodded his head. It looked as if the weight of the world had been lifted from Mike's slim shoulders. Mike pressed his lips to Micky's forehead before turning to leave.
Micky continued to stand there, frozen, and when Mike reached the door, he paused. For a split second Micky wondered if Mike had realised he'd made a terrible mistake. Mike turned around, looking at Micky with love in his eyes.
"Micky?" Mike said gently, his voice croaky and a little shaky. Micky simply looked at him, waiting for him to say what he wanted to say.
After a brief pause, Mike gave a small, sad smile. "Be good." He whispered.
And then Mike was gone.
Micky stood there. No more voices, no more sobs - just silence. Micky wasn't even crying anymore - he was in utter shock. He felt paralysed. When Micky attempted to take a step forward, he staggered and quickly sat himself down on the couch. The paralysis started to fade, and suddenly Micky felt sick. His body ached. His heart ached. Everything ached. Micky leaned forward, clutching his stomach. Suddenly the brief moment of understanding he felt for Mike just a minute before had evaporated, and suddenly Micky felt overcome with grief. Micky felt a fresh wave of emotion hit him like a freight train, and he gasped deeply before letting out a loud, painful sob.
Micky slid off the edge of the couch and onto the floor. He pulled his knees up to his chest and started to sob uncontrollably as the enormity of the situation dawned on him. Micky recalled how he felt when Mike broke up with him before - he thought that was bad, but by god, this was about a million times worse. Micky was shattered. The curly-haired man buried his face in his knees as he sobbed and gasped for breath.
Mike was gone, and he wasn't coming back. The fact that Micky could understand why Mike had done what he did only made the pain even worse. Micky was beside himself - he was absolutely inconsolable.