When Micky eventually returned to the delivery room he was stunned to find that things had progressed a lot further than he had expected.
"There's not long to go now." A midwife told Micky as he entered the room.
Micky looked at Samantha who was now sweating and panting.
"W-What?!" Micky asked, his voice rising in pitch. "B-But I thought these things were supposed to take hours, maybe even days!"
"All births are different, Mr Dolenz." The midwife told him. "And your baby wants to get here sooner rather than later."
Micky put both his hands to the back of his head and resisted all temptation to run straight back out of the room again. When he looked at how scared Samantha was, not to mention the clear pain she was in, he realised he needed to get a grip and support her.
Micky rushed to Samantha's side. "It's alright, you're doing really well." He assured her.
"How would you know?!" Samantha snapped before moaning in pain. "Owww!"
Micky tried his best to be as calm as he possibly could at Samantha's side, but after a little while it all became too much. When Samantha started pushing, Micky ended up taking a step back, surveying the scene in front of him in both awe and disbelief.
Micky felt like he was watching a movie. Although to begin with he had tried to be the supportive father-to-be with the "you're doing great!" and "keep pushing!" cliché's, Micky soon realised he wasn't being a great deal of help and that's when he took a step back to let the doctors do what they needed to do and to avoid Samantha knocking his head off for being so annoying.
So Micky just stood there watching his ex-girlfriend push and pant as she attempted to deliver their baby. Micky was totally overcome by the strength of this beautiful woman; she wasn't even screaming anymore, and instead she was just focussed on getting the baby out of her.
Micky didn't look to see exactly what was going on down there as Samantha had requested that he stayed at the head of the bed and to avoid being near the "business end". Micky was fairly sure he'd pass out if he saw exactly what was happening anyway - he felt light-headed enough as it was without seeing a human being coming out of another human being.
It seemed to last forever, but at the same time it seemed to be over so fast. Micky stood there as the voices of the midwife and the nurses bounced around the room. All Micky could focus on was Samantha, her face red with sheer pain and determination. She looked like a woman on a mission, and that mission was to deliver a perfect and healthy little baby.
Micky had no idea if it had been ten minutes or ten hours, but suddenly the voices and Samantha's small moans and gasps of pain were cancelled out by the sound of crying. A baby crying.
Micky took a step closer to see a tiny little baby appear from between Samantha's legs. Micky's mouth literally dropped open as he watched the midwife wrap the little person in a small, white towel. They rubbed the baby's face to clear its airways before handing the tiny bundle to an exhausted and emotional Samantha.
"Congratulations," The midwife said as she laid the baby in its mother's arms. "You have a beautiful baby girl."
Samantha sobbed with joy as she cradled the little girl in her arms, and Micky stood there wide-eyed as he watched the scene in front of him.
Micky's eyes were fixed on the baby, although he couldn't see her properly. All he could see was this little white bundle and a little head poking out of the towel, but he couldn't see her face from where he was standing.
Eventually Samantha looked up at Micky. She beamed at him, her eyes shimmering with tears and happiness. "Thank you." She said.
Micky tore his eyes off his daughter to look at Samantha's emotional face. "W-What for?" He asked in a small voice.
Samantha looked down at the baby again. "For this." She said.
Micky didn't even seem to understand what Samantha meant; at this point in time, Micky didn't seem to understand anything. Everyone else in the room seemed to have vanished even though they were still there, but Micky could only see Samantha and the baby in front of him.
Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he noticed the midwife smiling at him. "Why don't you say hello to your daughter?" She said.
Your daughter.
Micky swallowed the lump in his throat that seemed to have appeared from nowhere and he approached the bed slowly as if he was fearful of scaring Samantha and the baby away. Samantha beamed at Micky as he reached the bed and leaned over her to get a better look at the baby in her arms.
Micky's heart fell into his stomach and then leapt right back up into his throat as all the breath seemed to exit his body. Micky was stunned; he felt like he was suddenly blind and this baby was all he could see.
"Isn't she perfect?" Samantha sniffed quietly.
Micky's eyes were wide, but he had no words. It wasn't often Micky had found himself speechless, but in this moment he wondered if he would ever find the use of words again. The baby was beautiful, and Micky couldn't consider for even a second that he was in any way biased. Suddenly Micky felt his life change, but at the same time he felt like his whole life was wrapped up in that tiny little bundle in Samantha's arms.
"Do you want to hold her?" Samantha asked.
Micky swallowed before shaking his head. There was no way he wanted to disturb the little girl - she was no longer crying and seemed to have fallen asleep in her mother's arms.
"It's funny, we couldn't shut him up when he first got in here, but now look at him." The midwife joked, causing Samantha to laugh through her tears.
Micky still stared at the baby. He didn't even know where the midwife was in the room when she made the joke; he was completely unaware of anything going on around him.
"Micky?" Samantha said gently. "Are you okay?"
After a few seconds, Micky tore his eyes off the baby to look at Samantha's face. She wore a small smile, but she looked at him with a tiny bit of concern.
Micky managed to nod his head. "Y-Yes." He choked, the word getting stuck in his throat.
Samantha's smile grew. "I can't believe she's here. I can't believe we have a daughter."
Micky nodded slowly again, his eyes still wide in disbelief. When he had gone to bed the night before - only about 3 hours before - he had no idea that he'd be a father almost as soon as he woke up again.
"Are you going to say anything?" Samantha asked with a little laugh.
Micky opened his mouth, but when no words came out he decided to close it again and went back to watching the baby.
Samantha laughed, sniffing back her happy tears. "I've never known you to be so quiet. I never in a million years thought I would ever see you speechless."
"T-There aren't words." Micky finally said. He prised his eyes off his daughter to look at Samantha again. "You...how... she was in there... and now she's- she's here. I don't- how did you do it? H-How did you do it?"
Samantha smiled. "Women are strong." She said.
Micky nodded slowly, looking at the baby again. "Thank you." He whispered.
"I can't take all the credit," Samantha told him. "We made her together."
Micky frowned as he wondered how Samantha could possibly give him any kind of credit for bringing that little baby to life. Micky didn't feel worthy of any sort of praise; he'd just watched Samantha in a great deal of pain as she literally pushed that tiny human being out of her, and all he had done is stand there, utterly helpless and completely useless.
Micky eventually had to leave the room again so Samantha could get cleaned up, and when he rejoined his ex-girlfriend and their new baby again the former couple sat there in near silence as they watched the baby girl sleep in Samantha's arms. Samantha spoke now and then, but for the most part Micky was being totally quiet - he was still feeling completely over-awed by everything and utterly lost for words.
The baby was eventually moved to a small crib next to the bed when Samantha settled down for a much-deserved sleep. Micky continued to sit there quietly as both Samantha and the baby slept soundly, and Micky tried to take in just how much his life was about to change.
Although the baby was now here, Micky was well aware that the real challenge wouldn't start until they left the hospital and faced parenthood on their own. Micky couldn't really get over the fact that he was going to be part-responsible for an entire little life. When he watched the sleeping newborn he realised that she wasn't a doll and she wasn't just a dream or an idea, either. She was a real little human being and she was a reality; Micky's reality.
Micky wasn't sure how long he watched the little girl sleep, but suddenly she stirred and started making a grizzling sound. Micky leaned forward and noticed that it looked like the baby girl was about to start screaming.
Micky quickly stood and hovered over the crib. "Shh, please don't cry." He whispered, waving his hand helplessly.
Micky really didn't want the baby to wake Samantha but the little girl didn't seem too bothered about that, and Micky was certain that at any minute she was going to scream the room down. After another couple of useless attempts to "shh" the baby, Micky knew he needed to take real action in his attempt to keep the little bundle quiet so not to wake her sleeping mother.
Micky hesitated for a moment before carefully and awkwardly lifting the baby from the crib. She was still grizzling, and she squirmed as Micky lifted her - for something so tiny Micky was stunned by how lively and animated she was. Micky didn't really know what on earth he was doing, and he wasn't particularly sure how to hold her either, but suddenly the little girl was in his arms as Micky sat back in his chair again.
Micky cradled his daughter for the very first time, shuffling his arms until he felt comfortable and stable. He was nervous - she was so tiny and perfect that he feared he would somehow break her, but Micky suddenly felt a sense of pride and wonder at feeling his own child in his arms for the very first time.
The baby wriggled for a few moments before she calmed down completely; the grizzling noises stopped and the baby totally relaxed in Micky's arms. Micky couldn't believe he'd managed to calm her down - not that he had done much - but when he had first picked her up he had feared he would disturb her even more.
Micky gazed lovingly at the tiny little girl in his arms. He was scared and confused and still totally overwhelmed that this baby was actually his. She was flawless, and Micky was a hundred percent certain that he'd never seen anything so beautiful before in his life.
"You're perfect." Micky whispered, transfixed on the bundle in his arms.
The baby yawned, and Micky knew right away that it was the most adorable thing he'd ever seen. Suddenly a lump formed in Micky's throat, and he felt tears sting his eyes. Not because he was sad - by god, Micky wasn't feeling sad at all - but because he was happy. For the first time in a long time, Micky was genuinely happy.
Micky used the side of his finger to carefully stroke the little girl's cheek - he could hardly believe he was touching her; her skin was so soft that it didn't even feel like he was making contact. Micky's breath got caught in his throat once again as he started to absorb the fact that he was literally and genuinely a real father. A dad.
"I helped make you." Micky whispered as he gazed adoringly at his daughter.
As if on cue, the baby seemed to move closer to Micky, her little head now pressing against his chest.
"You decided to hold her then."
Micky looked up to see Samantha smiling at him, and he immediately felt guilty. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." He said quietly.
"You didn't." Samantha smiled.
"She was stirring and I thought she was going to cry so I picked her up to try and calm her down before she woke you." Micky said quickly as if he was trying to defend himself.
Samantha laughed quietly. "It's okay, Micky. She is your daughter, you are allowed to hold her, you know." She said.
Micky felt a little embarrassed. "Sorry." He said quietly. He looked down at the baby in his arms again.
"You're good with her." Samantha said sleepily.
Micky was silent as he watched his daughter sleep in his arms. "I can't believe I could've missed all of this." He said sadly before looking up at his ex-girlfriend again. "I'm so sorry." He whispered. "I let you down."
Samantha pulled herself into a half-sitting position. "Don't say that." She told him, tilting her head to the side. "You're here now and that's what counts."
Micky's emotions finally caught up with him, and he felt the tears sting his eyes again. "She's only been here a couple of hours and I already can't imagine my life without her." He sniffed. He let out a little laugh. "God, look at me. I don't even know why I'm crying."
Samantha smiled lovingly at Micky and the baby, gazing at the father and daughter through the dim light of the room.
"I really want her to be proud of me." Micky said in little more than a whisper. "I don't- I don't know if she will though. I don't-" He drew in a deep, shaky breath. "I really want to be a good dad." He sniffed.
"You will be." Samantha assured him. "There's no reason why you wouldn't."
Micky looked up. Tears shimmered in his eyes and he felt really stupid, but he literally couldn't help it. He was exhausted and emotional and happy and sad all at the same time. "I love her so much... I don't want to screw this up. I-I just want to do a good job."
"We both want that, Micky." Samantha told him. "I'm scared too, you know. This is new to the both of us."
"But you're- you're so amazing, and I'm not. I'm not at all." Micky sniffed.
"Micky, please don't do this." Samantha said, narrowing her eyes. "Do you think I'd want you here if I thought you were going to be a bad father?"
Micky wiped his nose with the back of his hand. "I'm sorry." He said in a shaky voice. "You should ignore me. I'm being really stupid."
"Yeah, you are." Samantha said with a little laugh. Her face soon turned serious again. "Please don't worry." She stressed. "You're going to be a great dad."
Micky took a slow, deep breath. "I hope so." He said.
Samantha and the baby spent the following day and night at the hospital to ensure that everything was as it should be, and Micky was never far from their side. Micky's and Samantha's families had been to visit the new addition, and Micky was still in a little world of his own as he watched everyone gush and coo over the new little girl.
The next day, Micky and Samantha were allowed home with their daughter - a fact that both excited and terrified the new parents. The first day and night on their own had run relatively smoothly, but Micky especially was nervous that they were dealing with this little baby without the help of doctors and nurses.
The day after they brought the baby - who they had named Ami - home, they had yet more visitors. This time it was Davy and Linda.
"Oh my goodness." Linda gushed as her and Davy walked into Micky's sitting room to see Ami lying in a Moses basket. "She is gorgeous!"
"I know." Micky responded proudly. He watched as his friends hovered over the basket, grinning at the new baby.
"She certainly is a stunner." Davy said as he looked at the baby. He lifted his head to look at Micky. "Are you sure she's yours?" He joked.
Micky scrunched his face up. "Ha ha, very funny." He said sarcastically. "But I get your point."
"Where's Samantha?" Linda asked, looking up.
"She'll be down soon, she's just having a little sleep." Micky replied. "She's totally exhausted."
"You look pretty rough too, mate." Davy said.
"That's because I haven't slept the past three nights." Micky laughed, rubbing his eyes. "But I don't really care."
"You are so precious." Linda cooed to the baby, clearly smitten. She looked up at Micky. "Do you mind if I hold her?"
"Of course not." Micky replied with a smile.
Linda and Davy stepped back to allow Micky to lift the baby from the Moses basket. Micky had grown in confidence over the past couple of days and felt pretty comfortable holding his daughter now, although he had felt a little funny whenever anyone else held her. He hadn't been overly thrilled at his and Samantha's families passing Ami around to each other in the hospital, but he accepted it and understood their joy at the new addition to the family. Still, it had made Micky feel a little uneasy; he was worried someone would drop Ami or hold her wrong and cause her to get upset. Micky kicked himself for being so protective; he always believed he would be pretty laid back when it came to parenting, but even this early on in his journey of fatherhood he was learning that that wasn't the case.
"Do you want to sit down?" Micky asked, always preferring it when whoever was holding Ami was sitting down first to give them extra stability. He knew he was being silly, especially as he trusted Linda a hundred percent, but he couldn't really help himself.
Linda and Davy sat down on the couch before Micky carefully handed Ami to Linda. He was reassured to see that Linda clearly knew the correct way to hold a baby, and he relaxed upon seeing how comfortable his friend was with the little girl.
"Oh my gosh." Linda swooned. "She is so perfect."
Micky smiled, sitting down in a chair opposite.
Davy reached out and touched the baby's head. "Her head is really soft." He stated before stroking Ami's thin layer of light blonde hair gently. "This is so weird. It hardly feels like I'm touching her."
Micky smiled before yawning.
"I can't get over how beautiful she is." Linda said. Micky could tell she was clearly broody.
"If you play your cards right maybe me and you can make one of these." Davy said, nonchalant.
Linda's head snapped up in surprise and disbelief. "Really?!"
Davy shrugged. "I don't see why not." He replied.
Micky grinned at his friends - although he felt a small pang of jealously at their closeness. As happy as Micky had been since the birth of his daughter, it had also been bittersweet. Micky really wished his father was around to see his first grandchild, but he had also been missing Mike terribly, too. Micky felt guilty that even amongst his deepest joy he was still longing for the Texan. Micky realised that it was because he was so happy about becoming a father that he missed Mike so much, because Micky wanted to share that happiness with the person he loved.
Mike had been on auto-pilot pretty much since the night he saw Micky with Tony in the club before Christmas. He felt like he was ticking along one day at a time; not really living, but just sort of existing. He wasn't happy, but he was doing a hell of a good job at masking his misery.
Mike wasn't like Micky. Mike didn't need to drown himself in drink and drugs in his attempts to forget about his troubles. Mike's way of dealing with things was a simple one, and it was the same coping mechanism he'd used his entire life; and that was to put a huge invisible barrier around him.
Mike went back to being guarded with his thoughts and feelings. He rarely showed emotion, and instead he went about his day-to-day life giving very little away to anyone around him - nothing of any real substance, anyway.
Mike continued to work on music. He'd hired a studio where he'd spend most of his time. He usually recorded alone, occasionally getting a few of his musician friends to join him for a jamming session or to record the odd demo or two. But for the most part Mike liked to be alone. When he wasn't in his studio working on music, he was at home working on music. Music was pretty much Mike's only emotional outlet, and he found himself pouring his heart into his songs if nothing else.
Mike knew his marriage was on a long road to nowhere. When he and Phyllis had first gotten back together they had given themselves six months; if they didn't feel the foundations of their relationship were stable and strong enough by that point, then they had agreed to call it a day. Mike knew his wife wasn't particularly happy either, but they were making an effort for the sake of the kids. Mike had to admit that as tough as everything had been lately, getting to spend Christmas with his children as a family and seeing their happy faces on Christmas morning had been a ray of light to the Texan's otherwise dark existence.
But Mike was still incredibly worried about Micky. He had run into Davy at a local bands show at the start of the year, and while his exchange with his former band mate had been frosty and brief, Davy had informed Mike that Micky was better now and that he had his pregnant ex-girlfriend, Samantha, living with him.
While Mike was relieved to learn that Micky seemed to be on the mend, he still couldn't shake his fears for his ex partner and he kept his ear close to the ground to make sure he didn't hear of Micky getting himself into any more trouble. Thankfully for Mike, nobody seemed to have heard much from Micky in weeks.
But Mike was still haunted by what he had seen that night Davy had called him and asked for his help. Mike could still picture Micky's weak and fragile frame snorting cocaine off of the table with Tony's hands all over him. Mike felt sick every time the image popped into his head, which was pretty much every night when he closed his eyes. Mike had about a million questions and no answers; he wanted to know exactly how long Micky had been using hard drugs, and he wanted to know exactly how far things had gone between Micky and Tony.
Mike knew he had no right to be jealous, but the thought of that man touching Micky like that made Mike's blood run cold. In actuality, the thought of any man touching Micky like that completely messed with Mike's already screwed-up head.
Mike was a control freak, and he hated not having control over the way Micky had been living his life. He hated that things hadn't gone according to plan; Micky getting himself messed-up and falling apart was not supposed to happen. Micky going to pieces was the one thing Mike wanted to avoid most, and that was the main motivation in ending their relationship in the first place. Mike had thought he was protecting Micky, but seeing how hard Micky had fallen was just another reminder to Mike that he'd gotten it all so terribly wrong.
Mike wasn't sure why he'd been so shocked to learn of Micky's decline. Mike knew Micky was sensitive and that he didn't always deal with things in the healthiest of ways. But Mike had been so afraid of how Micky would cope if the wrong people found out about their relationship that he didn't stop to think about how Micky would cope with their actual break-up. Mike hardly thought Micky would be fine about it, but he'd convinced himself so heavily that he was doing the right thing that he could never have imagined Micky would take it all so badly.
Mike still believed he had made the right decision, even if it never actually felt like he had. Mike didn't believe that this was the right decision for him; he missed Micky, and the repercussions of people finding out about their relationship had never been a huge concern to Mike personally. Apart from where his children were concerned, Mike's only worry had been Micky and how the results of their relationship would affect him. Everyone and everything else just slipped into the background in Mike's eyes.
Mike hoped and prayed that Micky had turned a corner, and that from now on everything would go According To Plan. "Maybe now he's got it out of his system, he'll be alright." Mike told himself. He knew Micky's baby was due any day now, and it was something that had been playing on his mind a lot. Mike believed that once the baby was here, Micky would be alright. It was a thought that filled Mike with what little hope he had left.
Mike's head was constantly spinning with thoughts of the boy he couldn't have. His boy. His Micky. It was hard and it was painful, but Mike was almost beginning to accept the fact that this was the way his life had to be. Mike hoped that Micky wasn't feeling the same about him; how could a boy like Micky love someone like Mike so much anyway? That was a question Mike had always asked himself. Micky was too good for him, and Mike was certain that Micky would reach a point where he believed that, too.
So Mike continued to distract himself the best he could, and he sat at the table reading a newspaper while Phyllis was on the phone to a friend of hers, Barbara, in the next room. Mike was trying to catch-up with the latest sports news when Phyllis entered the room.
"Have you heard about Micky and Samantha?" Phyllis asked casually as she walked in.
Mike's head snapped up, his senses always heightening whenever he heard someone mention Micky's name. He looked at his wife blankly, urging her to continue.
"Barbara told me that Samantha had the baby a few days ago." Phyllis smiled. "Apparently it all went really well."
Mike was completely thrown by the information, although he was unsure why - he knew that Samantha was due to give birth any day now, but knowing that his beautiful boy was now a father completely caught the Texan off guard.
Mike drew a small breath in and swallowed hard, not wanting to let on just how much this news had affected him. Mike cleared his throat. "What did they call her?" He asked.
Phyllis turned to look at her husband with a confused smile. "How did you know it was a girl?" She questioned, amused. "I never told you it was a girl!"
Mike stared at Phyllis blankly; for whatever reason, Mike had always believed that Micky's baby would turn out to be a girl to the point where he never even questioned that it could possibly be a boy.
"I uh, I dunno." Mike mumbled, looking away. "I just assumed. I don't know why. A lucky guess, I suppose."
"Well you guessed right." Phyllis replied. "They called her Ami - Ami with an 'i', apparently. Oh, and they gave her a really pretty middle name, too; Bluebell. Ami Bluebell."
Mike looked at his wife suddenly - he felt like he'd been punched in the stomach.
"I still can't believe you brought me flowers." Micky giggled. "You're such a big softie."
"Shut up." Mike tutted, laughing quietly. "I ain't a softie. And they're not exactly flowers either. I mean it ain't like I bought you a bouquet or anything, they're just in a pot. It's more like a pot plant."
"They're flowers in a pot." Micky giggled. "You can try to dress it up any which way you like but the facts remain the same; you bought me flowers."
"I wouldn't have bought 'em if I knew you were gonna tease me about it." Mike joked.
"I'm not teasing, I'm just saying I think it's lovely." Micky grinned, turning in his chair to look at Mike properly. "Bluebells are my new favourite flowers. I really like the word, too."
"If your baby is a girl, maybe you should call her Bluebell." Mike joked.
Mike could see Micky's eyes widen. "What a great idea!" Micky gushed.
Mike laughed. "Babe, I was just kidding."
"I'm not." Micky said seriously. "That would make such a great name for a girl, don't you think?"
"Well it wouldn't be my first choice but it's totally you, I guess." Mike said thoughtfully. "It's pretty and cute. Just like you." Mike poked his tongue out at Micky through the darkness.
Micky wore a serious expression. "You think I'm joking, but I'm not." He said. "I think it's a really groovy name. I think I'll suggest it to Sammy."
"Micky, you have a list of names as long as your arm." Mike told him.
"Yeah, and Bluebell is going to go straight to the top!" Micky replied.
Mike laughed knowingly. Micky would always get carried away by things and get swept up in the moment. Micky was often suggesting unique boys and girls names for his unborn baby, but they were usually forgotten about almost as soon as they were thought of.
"You make me laugh." Mike chuckled quietly, shaking his head as he looked at his boy through the darkness. The campfire was giving off enough light for Mike to see Micky's happy and content face, and he beamed at the curly-haired man next to him.
Micky leaned back in his chair and looked up at the night sky. "Whenever I see a bluebell I'll think of you." He said thoughtfully.
"Mick, you're really high." Mike laughed.
"I am high, but I'm also being serious!" Micky stressed. "Whenever I see a bluebell or hear the word 'bluebell' it'll remind me of you and the first time you ever bought me flowers." He giggled.
Mike laughed. "First time? So you think they'll be a next time?"
Micky turned his head and pretended to glare at his partner. "There better be. You can buy me flowers whenever you want."
Mike shook his head as he laughed quietly to himself. "You're such a weirdo." He said.
Micky leaned forward and flashed a toothy grin at his partner. "I'm your weirdo." He said.
"Michael?"
Mike snapped himself out of his thoughts to see Phyllis looking over him with a confused expression.
"Did you listen to a word I just said?" Phyllis asked, annoyed.
"Uh..." Mike scratched his head.
Phyllis sighed. "Did you want to send them something or not? Because I think we should. I know you and Micky had that silly falling out because you left the band but that was months ago now." She said, causing Mike to cringe. "He used to be a really good friend of yours and he's just become a father," Phyllis continued. "The least we can do is send them some flowers or something."
Mike's mind was so far gone he didn't even feel like he was still in the room. "Sure, whatever." He said. He stood up slowly before walking towards the door.
"Where are you going?" Phyllis asked. She looked annoyed.
"I just remembered there's somewhere I need to be." Mike lied.
Phyllis rolled her eyes. "Well I'll choose some flowers myself, shall I?"
Mike couldn't even hear words anymore - all he could hear was noise. "Okay." He said.
Phyllis was clearly annoyed at her husband's apparent disinterest, but Mike was virtually oblivious to it. Mike slowly left the house, hopped straight into his car and drove away with no destination in mind.
As well as music, Mike used driving as an escape the way he always used to. Mike would often take himself off on long drives to nowhere, alone with nothing but his thoughts. He would pull up in a quiet spot and just sit at the wheel of his car or occasionally take quiet walk in an attempt to clear his mind.
Mike had always been a big thinker and always needed time alone to reflect on his thoughts and get his head straight. Mike felt that his time alone was the only thing that stopped him from going completely insane, even though he knew the things he took the time to think about weren't necessarily productive or healthy. The bottom line was, Mike would drive away to nowhere to think about one thing and one thing only, and that thing was Micky.
Micky was there in Mike's head morning, noon and night, but he only truly allowed himself to think about his boy when he was on his own. This was Mike's way of treating himself, allowing himself to fantasise and reminisce about his boy without being disturbed. It wasn't a sexual thing; Mike never got himself off to thoughts of Micky. As tempting as it had sometimes been, Mike felt like that would be cheating on his wife all over again if he got his jollies while thinking about someone else. Instead Mike would just think about all the little things he missed about Micky; the way he smiled and laughed. The way his almond-shaped eyes would twinkle even first thing in the morning. The way his hair smelled of oranges when he was fresh from the shower. The look of concentration on his face as he read one of his many books. The way he was the messiest eater alive and yet still looked completely irresistible as he shoved orange juice covered cornflakes into his mouth.
Mike thought about it all; every single little detail over and over again. Mike sometimes found himself sitting alone in his car thinking about Micky for hours, completely losing track of time and having to make up excuses as to where he'd been when he arrived home.
Mike was obsessed with Micky, and he knew he would be always and forever. Mike was over the moon that Micky's baby was here and he was thrilled that Micky would finally have a light in his life that would shine brighten than anything or anyone else possibly could. Mike felt like this was probably the final step in Micky's recovery; now Micky was a father, everything would be alright. Micky would be truly happy and Mike hoped that Micky's feelings for him would disappear forever.
Mike hoped that for Micky's sake, anyway. Mike wanted Micky to get over him for Micky's own good, because that was what he believed was best for his boy. But Mike couldn't help but want to see Micky with his daughter; Mike wanted to see Micky's happy face and know that everything would be alright.
The fact that Micky had given his daughter the middle name Bluebell was both heart-warming and devastating to Mike. Mike remembered so clearly their conversation in the woods by the lake that night after Mike had brought Micky the bluebells, although it was a conversation he'd forgotten about until now. Mike remembered how he thought Micky was simply stoned and would forget all about naming a potential daughter 'Bluebell'. Micky had never mentioned it after that night, so Mike never thought any more of it. The fact that Micky had remembered and stayed true to his word after all these months made Mike's heart dance with both sorrow and joy.
"Ami Bluebell is such a gorgeous name." Linda said, still holding the baby in her arms.
Micky smiled. "Yeah, I really like it." He said. "I did want Bluebell to be her first name but Sammy wasn't sure about it, so we agreed it could be the middle name instead. I'm happy with it though, I think it really suits her."
"It does. Where did the Bluebell come from?" Linda wondered. "I think it's really beautiful."
Micky scratched his head and felt a little uncomfortable. "Well Bluebell was my idea." He replied. "It's a flower, obviously, but I uh, I hadn't seen one or heard about it before-" He trailed off awkwardly.
Davy narrowed his eyes, looking at his friend suspiciously. "Before what?" He wondered.
Micky felt himself tense up. He picked at his fingernail, no longer looking at his friends. "Before Mike bought me some..." He mumbled quietly.
"What was that?" Davy asked, unable to hear what Micky had said.
Micky cringed, looking up. "Mike bought be some Bluebells once." He admitted, his face flushing red. "And I...I really liked the name, so..."
Linda looked down at the baby again while Davy stared at Micky with a hint of annoyance. "Please don't tell me you chose the name Bluebell as some sort of weird tribute to Mike?" He asked flatly.
Micky scratched his head again and could still feel the burning in his cheeks. He knew he shouldn't have mentioned Mike, but he was tired and still felt like all of his emotions were heightened since the birth of his daughter.
Micky shrugged his shoulders weakly. "I liked the name." He said quietly.
Davy rolled his eyes while Linda smiled at Micky weakly. "Well I think it's lovely." Linda said.
Micky felt a little embarrassed that he'd turned the positive and happy mood into an awkward one, and he figured he should probably do something to lighten the mood. "It's okay, you know." He said. "I mean, I'm okay. I'm cool. I'm happy. I'm really, seriously happy. How can I not be? Look at her." Micky gestured to the baby. "She's mine. She's my little girl, and she's the only thing that matters to me anymore. All my focus, all my energy, it's all going on her."
Linda smiled at her friend, although Davy didn't look a hundred percent convinced. "Well we're really happy for you." Linda said.
Samantha eventually joined Micky and their guests after taking a long, much needed nap, and a short while later she headed back upstairs with Linda to show her friend Ami's nursery that Micky had been working so hard on.
Micky and Davy were now left alone with the baby, and Micky was back with Ami in his arms. The new dad was beaming at his tiny daughter, bouncing her and pulling funny faces at the newborn.
"I can't remember the last time I saw you this happy, mate." Davy said thoughtfully.
Micky looked up to see Davy watching him. "It has been a while." He said. "But I am happy now. Seriously happy."
"Seriously happy?" Davy wondered.
Micky's face fell slightly, and he went back to watching his baby again. "I can't pretend it's not bittersweet," He admitted. "When something amazing happens it's only natural to think of the people you can't share it with. I've been thinking about my dad a lot. I really wish he could've got to meet his first grandchild. I just know he would've adored her."
Davy nodded sadly. "Yeah, I bet he would've totally doted on her." He said, still watching his friend knowingly. "But it's not just your dad you miss, is it?"
Micky lifted his head and looked at Davy through sadness filled eyes. He shook his head slowly. "I can't help it." He replied quietly, looking down at his daughter again. "And I feel so guilty because I am happy. I really am so so happy. Ami is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm so so proud that I have a daughter and I love her so much I feel like I could burst, but... but I can't help it. I can't help wishing he was here to share my happiness with me. I know he would love her too. I know he would love her like I love his kids. And I just- I feel awful and guilty but I can't help it."
"Oh Micky..." Davy sighed in an almost defeated fashion. "When will this stop?"
Micky looked up. "I don't know." He replied. "I want it to, I really do... And I'm waiting for it to happen. I keep expecting to wake up one day and just not care anymore, but that never seems to happen. I'm scared it never will."
"I guess there's not a lot you can do about it, is there?" Davy asked.
Micky shook his head. "I guess I just have to wait." He looked at Ami in his arms. "But I am happy though. I'm not like I was before Christmas. I really have changed. I mean... I think I have, anyway. Since she's been here I haven't had any dark thoughts. I haven't wanted to drink or-or do-" He lowered his voice and looked up at Davy. "Coke." He whispered. "I haven't wanted to do anything stupid since Ami has been here."
"But you did before?" Davy wondered.
Micky shrugged. "Sometimes." He confessed, stroking his daughter's face with the side of his finger. "It's just so easy, you know, to forget. To just get wasted and forget about it all... not just Mike, but everything. To do coke and not worry about a single thing, even if it's just for half an hour or an hour or whatever..."
"But you know that's not the answer, don't you?" Davy asked. "You know that doesn't fix anything."
"I do know that." Micky replied. "That's why I've stayed clean. I couldn't risk missing out on this." He looked down at Ami. "If I carried on the way I was going I wouldn't have the chance to be here with her now. Samantha wouldn't have given me the time of day and I totally get that. I wouldn't have let someone like the way I was anywhere near my daughter either. I'm so lucky she gave me a second chance. I don't know what I would've done if she'd stopped me from seeing my baby."
"Well Sammy is a top bird, isn't she?" Davy asked. "There's not many women who'd let you stick around after everything you told her."
"I know." Micky nodded. "She's amazing and I'm really lucky that my daughter has such a great mom. I just hope I can be a great dad, too."
"You will. As long as you keep on the straight and narrow, you'll be fine." Davy assured him. "I mean look at ya - she clearly adores you."
Micky smiled. "Do you think?" He asked.
"Yeah, man." Davy nodded. "She's going to be a right daddy's girl, that one."
"That's what Sammy keeps saying." Micky said, looking down at the little girl in his arms. He gazed at her lovingly. "I still can't get over that she's here and she's mine. There's no feeling like it, man. It's the most surreal feeling in the world. It's a total trip."
Davy looked over the little girl in Micky's arms. "The best kind of trip?"
Micky looked up. "The best kind of trip." He agreed.