alright, attempt 2. hope you like it. let me know. the notifications i get from this story give me a kind of giddy laugh that gets stuck in my throat

iii. two party discussion (better late than never)

After two days of internal debates about the best way to start this absolutely necessary conversation, Holly realizes that this is Gail she is talking about. Consulting the latest trauma journals and applying some kind of clinical technique would only be insulting to Gail's vast array of unique idiosyncrasies. Which is a word that, when Holly had first applied it to Gail, a good two years ago, earned her a scoff and another tequila shot haphazardly slid across her kitchen island.

"Idiosyncrasies?"

Holly latched onto the shot glass before it could topple over and nodded her head with a sheepish smile. "Yeah. You have idiosyncrasies. It's a good thing. It's cute."

"Cute?"

Holly downed the shot and grimaced as the alcohol passed the back of her throat, reaching for the bowl of lime slices Gail had provided. "Yes. You are cute. Deal with it. And come over here. I want you closer."

"Holly, you have had three shots. Please tell me I am not dating a light weight."

"Have you ever thought that maybe it's not the alcohol and I just really like your body? And your lips? Seriously get over here."

Holly closes the last tab of her browser and her laptop, resigning herself to the reality of the situation. She was just going to have to come out with it. Without pretense or colorful words. Alcohol, however, was not a terrible idea.

She stands from the sofa and walks into the kitchen, glancing at the clock on the microwave. 4:23 PM. She has less than ten minutes before Gail was due home. She had called earlier, asking if Thai or Chinese sounded better. Thai, of course, because even though she has decided to reject the regular techniques, it didn't seem like a terrible idea to fill Gail with some of her favorite foods.

She pulls the bottle of tequila that they always seemed to have stashed in the cupboard below the island, before moving to retrieve a lime and a knife.

But the knife wasn't steady in her hand and what were supposed to be lime slices end up closer to a mash of pulp, and it all just hurts. Because Gail had always been so strong and she always said that Holly made her better but what are you supposed to do when your girlfriend was forced to kill someone and hasn't quite figured out how to handle that.

It will be okay. As long as she manages not to shatter the tequila bottle in the next few minutes.

Which she comes dangerously close to doing when the front door opens not two minutes later. She takes a deep breath and pastes on what she hopes is her most normal smile. For Gail, she reminds herself. This was likely to end terribly, but she loved her and she needed this.

"Hol?"

"In the kitchen."

Holly looks up to see Gail leaning in the doorway with a small half-smile that doesn't belong anywhere near her girlfriend's face.

Gail's hair has grown out since what Holly fondly refers to as the "Great Bathroom Debacle" two years ago. She keeps it short though, claiming it's just easier that way, and the edges of it end just past her collarbone. She wears here perfectly fitted olive colored bomber jacket, a gift from Holly six months into their relationship for no reason in particular, over a grey camisole tank top and some of the tightest black skinny jeans known to man kind. The sight of it all puts a smile on Holly's face because it is just so…normal.

"I got dinner."

"Good. I'm starving. And I have alcohol."

Which, it seems, is enough to make the half-smile grow into what Holly would have liked to describe as a beam, if not for the fact that it never reaches Gail's eyes.

They go about laying out their dinner, and the kiss that Gail places on Holly's shoulder as she reaches for silverware is enough to fill her with a sense of purpose.

Two shots, she decides. She will wait until Gail is two shots in until she brings it up. She knows her well enough to understand that two shots are when her girlfriend loosens up enough to say things that she usually only keeps to herself.

And then they have each had two shots and Holly decides that she needs a third for herself just to start this conversation.

Okay, fuck it, she tells herself, except she said it out loud and Gail is looking up at her with her fork frozen halfway to her mouth and she knows there isn't any going back now.

"Fuck what?"

Holly lets out a nervous laugh before placing her palms on the island. "There is something I have to say and I need you to just let me get it all out before you say anything."

Gail gives a small nod but the way her eyes slightly widen in fear tells Holly that a million things are likely going through her head, each one more gruesome than the next.

"Okay. So here goes. I've noticed things. In the past month, I mean. And I am worried, because I really love you and the idea that you might be in pain is not something I will never just accept."

And from the way Gail's jaw clenches and her eyebrow shifts up a bit tells Holly that she knows where this conversation is going, but she is three shots in and it seems the tequila is working to loosen her tongue far more than Gail's.

"And you are. Even if you think you aren't, I can see it. And I want to help. I may not be a shrink, but I think I know enough to be sure that if you talk about it, it will get easier. Better, maybe?"

Her hands are flapping about and the expression on Gail's face hasn't changed since she started this, and oh god, what is she doing? And why can't she stop talking?

"I mean, I don't know. But it's scaring me and I love you and I can see your cheek bones more and more everyday and I-"

"Hol?"

Fuck. Shit. This is when she gets up and walks away, isn't it? Holly finally snaps her mouth shut and places her palms back on the counter and waits for the oncoming explosion.

"I'm scaring you?"

And it's Holly's turn to be confused. Because now Gail looks guilty and her voice was nothing more than a rasp, and this conversation wasn't supposed to make her feel worse.

"No-I…I just…You don't smile the same. And I love your smile. Everything about it. But its different now. And I want your old smile back."

Gail is looking at her like she has completely lost her way and the way her eyebrows scrunch together and her chin wobbles makes Holly want to curl up in a ball and cry until everything is better.

"I'm sorry," Gail chokes out. "I just want it to stop hurting. I…I'm sorry."

"No, baby. No. You don't apologize to me. We will do it together, okay? You and me. Just like always."
And the lines on Gail's face disappear and there is something akin to relief that crosses her face when she nods and repeats Holly's words. "You and me. Just like always."

The tears that have been scratching at the back of Holly's eyes for the last month finally fall and she pushes away from the counter. "Okay. Come here. I want you closer."