9
Three days later
Knock. Knock. Knock. Leonard and Penny.
Knock. Knock. Knock. Leonard and Penny.
Knock. Knock. Knock. Leonard and Penny.
"Hi, sweetie. What's up?"
"Penny, do you know where Amy Farrah Fowler might be?"
"Well, at the moment she's in my bathroom where she's been for the last hour. What's up?"
"I asked her to remove her property from Apartment 4A by this point in time. Not only has she not done that but there is now a monkey gamboling about in there."
"Sheldon, I'm trying to stay out of this. You need to speak to Amy. I'll get her."
"Thank you, Penny. Once I've finished with Amy I need to speak with you about an important matter."
"Sure, sweetie."
At that moment Amy Farrah Fowler came out to the living room.
"Hello, Sheldon."
"Amy, I made a request of you that you have not satisfied."
"I do not believe it was a reasonable request. I do not believe that it makes any sense for me to move my property from Apartment 4A when I know that it will eventually return there when we decide to cohabitate and marry. I believe that it makes more sense for you to make other arrangements for Missy and her child. In that way all of our lives can return to a semblance of normalcy, the homeostasis that you adore so."
"Amy, there was a time when I believed your obliviousness to the desires and needs of others to be quite charming. I no longer believe that. You are an incredibly selfish woman who demands that she get her own way and be the center of attention at all times. I will no longer permit you to do that in regard to me. I informed you that our relationship has been terminated. You apparently have concluded otherwise. Here is what will now happen. I have engaged a storage company that will shortly arrive and remove your property from my apartment. You have one hour to remove your monkey before I call the appropriate authorities and have him removed and potentially euthanized. I will then have the apartment fumigated while Missy's furniture remains in the moving truck downstairs. As I can recall your credit card number the costs for all of these tasks has been charged to you."
"But Sheldon, this makes no sense. I'm your perfect match. We belong together."
"Amy Farrah Fowler, though I am grateful that through our relationship agreement my mind has been opened to the possibility that I may someday pair bond with someone, I can assure you that person will not be you."
From her bedroom Penny called out "The monkey can't stay here. Leonard is probably allergic."
"I suggest you remove the monkey before the storage company arrives. I plan to open all of the apartment windows at that point and if he were to escape…"
At that Sheldon turned and went downstairs to await the movers.
Amy turned to Penny.
"What am I supposed to do?"
"I'd start by dealing with the monkey. After that I suggest you start looking for a place to live."
"Leonard said I could stay with you as long as I need to."
"Yeah, that's not going to work, Amy. There's barely enough room here for me and Leonard. You have until tomorrow. If you're not gone by then I'll find a new place to live and you can marry Leonard."
"That's a hollow threat, Penny. You have no job, no money and nowhere else to go."
"Actually, Amy, I have two friends across the hall and I love children. I'm going downstairs to speak with Sheldon. I suggest you make some arrangements for your damn monkey."
"His name is Ricky."
"I don't care."
At that Penny headed downstairs. She found Sheldon sitting on the stairs near the front door.
"Hello again, Penny."
"Hi sweetie. I thought you might like some company."
"That's very nice of you. I missed you very much while I was away."
"I missed you too, sweetie."
"Have you found a new source of employment yet?"
"Not really. Leonard keeps saying I don't need to work anymore."
"How do you feel about that?"
"Kind of useless."
"I may have an answer to that."
"Really?"
"I need a new assistant."
"What happened to Alex? She was doing a pretty good job, wasn't she?"
"Alex did an excellent job. That is why she and I will be doing some work together and that will hopefully expand into a new theoretical enterprise for the two of us. We will both need an assistant to help us out with a number of more mundane tasks."
"So?"
"I'd like you to be that assistant."
"You're kidding. You realize that I know almost nothing about what you do?"
"I do."
"So why me?"
"Can you answer phones and take messages?"
"Yes."
"Can you make photocopies?"
"Sure."
"Can you organize materials according to instructions?"
"Of course I can."
"Can you keep people from bothering us?"
"Probably."
"You are capable of doing the job. Add to that your awareness of my various idiosyncrasies and how to respond to them and you will be the perfect assistant."
"I'll ask again. Why me?"
"Because I think you need a challenge. Because I believe you need to rebuild your confidence. The Penny I know would not be sitting in her apartment waiting for her fiancée to tell her what he thinks she should do. The Penny I know would be grabbing the world by its horns, wrestling it to the ground and showing it who is in charge."
"I'm not so sure that Penny exists any more Sheldon."
"I disagree and I'm going to give her every opportunity to return."
"So what are the specifics on this job?"
"To start it will be halftime, mornings from 8:30 till 12:30. I suspect it will become full-time very quickly once Alex joins us. I will pay you $18 per hour. I assume that by now Leonard has added you to his health insurance policy. If not I will make arrangements to insure you. I will warn you in advance that there may be some limited child care involved as my nephew will accompany me to work one or two days a week."
"Okay. I guess we have a deal."
"Do you need to discuss this with Leonard?"
"The last time Leonard got involved I lost the job. Remember?"
"Indeed. And you rewarded him for that by agreeing to marry him. Not the first time that you rewarded his bad behavior, as I recall."
"Can we not go into that now?"
"As you wish. One additional request. Are you willing to drive me to the university on the days that you work?"
"Sure. And if this goes full-time I'll drive you home too."
"Thank you. We will commence Monday. I suspect that Leonard will not take kindly to my offer to hire you."
"I think I can handle Leonard. All I have to do is ask him the right way."
"You mean dangle the prospect of coitus in front of him."
"Well. Yeah."
"Penny, you really need to think more deeply about what it is you're doing regarding Leonard."
"Yeah. I know. But every time I bring something like that up he just pours me a big glass of wine and we end up…"
"I'm well aware of where you end up."
"God, Sheldon."
"Yes, the deity is often invoked."
"Yeah, anyway I'm heading back upstairs to make sure that Amy hasn't convinced Leonard to let a monkey live with us."
Ten minutes later a sulking Amy Farrah Fowler came downstairs carrying a cage holding her monkey, Ricky.
"I still fail to understand why you are doing this to me Sheldon. I'm the best girlfriend you will ever have."
"Be that as it may, Amy, you overstepped and made unwarranted assumptions about me and a life that I have no desire to be part of. Here is the address and phone number for the storage facility where your property may be found. As I do not know when or if we will meet again I bid you farewell."
"Sheldon, you said you wanted to be friends."
"I have been informed that friends make an effort to at least listen to their friend's desires. You have made no such effort. In fact, you have often attempted to thwart my desires. Perhaps you need to spend some time learning about what friendship is."
"Sheldon, I believe that you are the one who is misguided here."
"You are free to believe whatever you wish to believe. You are just not free to impose those beliefs and wishes upon others as you have with myself. Goodbye, Amy Farrah Fowler."