I'm so sorry for the wait, life got busier than expected.. And it'll probably stay this way for a little longer. Thank you for all the follows and reviews, you are awesome!
I have a little request for all of you:
AfterEllen is currently running another femslash tournament and Bechloe is going against another strong pairing, so it's a really tight thing.. It would be great if some of you would search for the AfterEllen femslash tournament round 3 and vote a little for Bechloe, the poll is ending on Friday and you can vote once per hour. So leaving a little vote here and there would be awesome!
Disclaimer: Who knows, I could get the rights for Christmas? ;) But I sadly still own nothing.. On we go and thank you for being patient with me!
The Bellas were all there already, chattering and busying themselves while waiting for practice to begin. Amy told Ashley und Jessica something about Dingos and their 'mating ritual' while Cynthia-Rose sat beside them, eyeing the three like she didn't understand how exactly she ended up with them again. Lily did some seriously questionable things I don't even know how to put into words and Flo stretched her legs, using some of the chairs we put up years ago.
The person of my demise stood in front of the whiteboard, checking our routine and set-list. I couldn't see her face because her back was turned towards me, but I knew that she probably chewed on her bottom lip, scanning every name and every line on the board intently. She desperately searched for a way to improve our performance, making us the acapella-group again. I felt a twist inside my stomach, like a certain someone wanted to remind me that they were there. That they could in fact feel the presence of their father - mother? Well, obviously Chloe is a registered female, so that would make her a mother. But she kind of did the male part in the whole thing.. Stop it, you have definitely bigger problems to worry about! For example telling the redhead right there that she would be a mother - father?! - soon! The twist returned, feeling like it pulled me down a little, making my heart stutter and my breath uneven for a second. It wasn't the baby I felt.. It was fear, anxiety. If my thoughts ran wild during the last few hours, it was nothing compared to what I felt like right now. Seeing Chloe right there made the whole thing even more real, it wasn't a dream.. God, how much I wished for it to be one.. I glanced at Stacie, the brunette eyed me worriedly for a moment before her eyes met mine and her gaze swept across the room, trying to act normal. There's still time for me to turn around and silently leave this place, to go back into my room and lay in my bed, covered with a bunch of blankets that held the world at bay. My right foot moved back a little, trying to be as unobtrusive as possible. The knot felt a little lighter and I sucked in a comforting amount of air when Chloe suddenly spun around, her stressed features meeting my frightened ones. Shit.
"Beca! Finally, there's a lot we have to talk about. I double-checked our present performance and found a few things that we have to change. Do you have the set-list ready for the worlds? We should probably put in more training-units, our currently ones are far too little. Meet up six days a week to build up the stamina again. Oh! Did I ask about the set-list already?"
My head began to spin, I couldn't tell her about the baby, I'm seriously afraid that she would pass out with all of the things already running through her head right now. My eyes frantically shot across the room, seeing everything and nothing at all. My throat went dry and I swallowed, but there was no spit to wet it. My eyes flew back to Chloe when she began to move, her arms moved up and down a bit, edging me on to answer her. My tongue flew out to wet my now too dry lips and the feeling of being submerged with dryness in my mouth and sweat on my palms was overwhelming. My mouth opened, trying to form words, answer her with something, anything.
"I-"
"Geez, Chloe, let a girl breath."
My eyes shot to Stacie, she took a few steps forwards, stepping slightly in front of me. Nothing looked suspicious, but I felt like everything was judging me, mocking me for the things I did, or in this case, didn't do. I had to listen to the conversation going on in front of me, to know what was happening. I tried to pull my head back into reality and out of my spiraling thoughts.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to greet you like that.. But it is important, so, what do you think, Beca?"
I swallowed a few more times while Chloe talked, bringing at least a little wetness to my vocal cords to not sound like a die-hard smoker who hasn't used her voice in decades.
"Sorry, I don't have the music yet, but it should be ready soon. I know that we have to work hard, but that doesn't mean that we can lose our cool, okay Chlo? Things like that are going to cause us serious problems." My hands moved a little while I talked, probably to accentuate what I just said.
Chloe took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down a little. "Okay. Okay. We can do this. It's not like we are never going to be able to compete against another group again. Except for when we're going to lose at worlds. Great. I won't ever be allowed to sing again. The Bellas are over, my family is going to part and continue going on separately."
The redhead seriously worried me, my feet carried me faster than my mind could process what was happening and I stood right in front of her within seconds. My hands gripped her shoulders tightly and my eyes searched her face, trying to make her look at me.
"Chloe. Chloe, look at me. Look at me. Everything is going to be fine, okay? We're going to start practice, get everyone back on track and it will be okay. No freaking out, no world-ending apocalyptic-something in your mind. Do you understand me?"
Her crystal blues met my darker ones and she nodded her head a few times, fighting back the tears that were about to spill.
"Good. That's good. You're doing good. Take a few deep breaths. Awesome, just like that."
She needed another minute to compose herself and when her eyes looked at me without tears in them anymore, I held her gaze, asking her silently if she was alright. She nodded one last time before mumbling a silent "sorry.. thanks." and turning around, shouting for the others to get their 'lazy asses in line already'. Something squeezed my shoulder lightly and Stacie turned back around, following Chloes command. Her right hand left my shoulder the moment she was half turned and I fell in line only a few steps after her. Things were more messed up than I originally thought, instead of me worrying about telling her, I had to comfort her. What now?
We've been at it for a few hours already. I have to admit that I stopped counting and checking the time at some point, in fear of getting distracted and displeasing Chloe with a mistake. After the verbal run-in she gave Amy after said blonde tried to lessen her cardio with another round of horizontal running, I thought that Chloe would rip her to pieces right there. Don't ever get in the way of an angry redhead, that's the most valuable lesson I learned today. Besides the whole 'use a freaking condom and don't cheat on your boyfriend' thing, of course. Stacie suddenly appeared beside me, her features something between worry and tiredness.
"Are you feeling okay? I know that you said sport isn't that bad, but I'm pretty sure that this" she gestured with her hand to all of the Bellas, some of them looked like they were about to die any minute now "is not healthy. I know that you didn't want for any of this to happen, but do you seriously want to be so reckless as to risk losing it? Because what you're doing right now, definitely looks like it."
I understood where she was coming from. I asked myself the same thing a few times already, especially when it felt like my lungs were on fire and I couldn't take another step without collapsing.
"I know.. But don't you understand? I can't just back out right now, I'd have to give them an explanation, this is important! I'm just as much part of this as you and the rest of us are, I can't let them down."
Stacies eyes bore into mine and I never saw the brunette looking so serious before. "I know that. But what do you think are they going to do when they find out? What if you break down and they call an ambulance, what if - god beware - you're losing blood. Beca, I know that this is terrifying, but you have to slow down a little. Please."
"Oi, BM, feeling alright there? You two are looking really serious." Stacie and I looked up, Cynthia-Rose held her side while trying to understand what we were talking about. The others looked up too, their eyes focusing on us. Great, just great.
"Yeah, everythi-"
"Actually, Beca isn't feeling too well. She probably ate something wrong, her stomach is bothering her a little."
I glared at Stacie. I mean, seriously? She couldn't just go and lie them in the face like that! Not more than it's already happening! Stacie spoke up again before I could even come back with an answer.
"You don't have to force yourself to go through this, it's no good when you're just wearing yourself more out and end up sick. We know that you want to help and make everything alright again, but you won't be of any help when you're putting up your tough exterior again and miss the crucial parts because you're sick."
The others nodded in agreement, mumbling a few "Stacie's right" here and there. A hand grabbed my left biceps lightly and Chloe came up beside me, studying me worriedly.
"Where does it hurt? Why didn't you say anything?" She turned to the others. "Practice is over for today, we'll meet again tomorrow, same time." Her attention was back on me and I would've lied if I said that I didn't enjoy it at least a little.. "I'll bring you home. You'll spend the rest of the day in bed or on the couch, no arguing."
Her hand left my biceps before she vanished with a quick "don't move." Chloe reappeared a few seconds later, her and my backs slung over one shoulder while her free hand reached out, looping through my left arm and holding me lightly. I couldn't help but wonder if she would always be like this if she knew that I was pregnant. Stacie smiled slightly when Chloe passed by her, the redhead being too focused on where she was going and me to notice. I probably would have been at least a little angry if the whole thing hadn't led to my current position. Which meant by Chloes side, with the redheads arm now lightly draped around my waist, pulling me slightly into her right side. I couldn't help but feel protected, at least a little bit.
"Do you think you're able to make it back to the house or is the pain too much?" Chloes question pulled me out of my little moment of bliss.
"No, it's okay. It actually got a little better already." As if I would make a huge scene out of the whole thing. Chloe nearly carrying me is just a must have to hold up the façade, of course!
"Okay, that's great. Not that you're in pain, but that it got better already. What did you eat today?"
Now that I think about it, I don't necessarily remember eating anything at all..
"I don't know, nothing special or strange or something like that. Just the stuff I normally eat."
Chloe thought about that for a second before her eyes swept sideways to look at me again. "Okay. I'm going to make you tea and a soup when we get back. You should eat and drink something, but nothing that would upset your stomach even more."
God, could this woman be any more perfect? "You don't have to Chlo, I'm sure it will be fine when we get back."
"I already told you to not argue with me on this one. So be a nice little patient and don't talk back."
It's really amazing to see her switch from caring to bossy in a second. What is it now, bossy-caring? My lips twitched a little at the thought of the word and I actually had to restrain myself to not start chuckling. Not that I am ever actually doing something like that! It's just the hormones!
We were mostly quiet for the rest of the walk, Chloe being extra careful with me. I actually started to feel bad again, because I'm receiving her kindness even though I have absolutely no right to get any of that. Chloe allowed me to sit in the kitchen while she made some soup and a cup of tea. The resistance I had to put up for a small thing like sitting in another place than my room or the living-room was kind of unnecessary.. But then again, we're talking about Chloe, who can be quite intimidating when she wants something.
My head rested on top of my arms on the kitchen counter while I watched her, she scurried around the stove, trying to get the ingredients without making too much noise. Her iPod laid on the countertop beside her, playing on shuffle in the background. The redhead started humming, her head nodding with the beat of the song. I couldn't restrain myself from smiling when I recognized it as one of the few I actually showed to her. It wasn't full of energy and the normal happy-go-lucky theme she listened to, but I remember the moment her eyes glazed over when the melody reached its peak for the first time, a smile broke out across her face and her crystal blues closed to just enjoy the song, feeling it flowing through her. I watched her for a few more seconds and the moment Wrabel reached another peak with his song, I closed my eyes myself. I exhaled deeply and felt the pressure disappear, my senses focusing on the song, taking everything in. The tiredness caught up with me and I gratefully slipped into the bliss of a sleep-like state.
Something soft slid across my face and through my hair before massaging my scalp lightly. It felt good, really good. A small moan left my mouth and I relaxed even more when the hand slid through my hair again, tucking a few stray strands away from my face. I opened my left eye slightly and saw Chloe leaning on the counter opposite me. Her left hand stretched out in my direction, but disappeared out of sight. It was probably the one she currently used to switch between massaging my scalp and running through my hair. A soft smile grazed her features and a steaming cup of tea stood beside me, I couldn't help but admire her when her eyes locked with mine again.
"Hey you."
She didn't say more than that, waiting for me to wake up a little.
"Hey yourself." Ah, there it is. The die-hard chain-smoker voice got through and I'm not sure if she actually understood me, before her smile brightened a little. Her hand went back to tucking the stubborn strands of hair behind my ear.
"How are you feeling?"
I refused to move, because that would mean that Chloe would stop what she was doing and I enjoyed it way too much for that to happen.
"Better, thanks." My voice still sounded like I hadn't used it in forever.
"Your tea is ready, you should drink a little bit, it will help. The soup is nearly ready too."
I hummed and stretched for the cup of tea, still refusing to move my head. The moment my fingers closed around the warm ceramic, Chloes hand disappeared and I had to swallow the disappointment I felt following the action. I felt Chloes eyes on me the whole time while I lifted my head to actually sip the hot beverage.
"Are you okay? I mean, what's bothering you? You look so stressed."
My body stiffened and I nearly choked on the tea. Chloe just asked me the question I tried to avoid, but it would be my chance to tell her, to let her know what's going on. My head began to spin again and I desperately tried to search for an answer, a way to just let it all out. It's not even been a whole day and I already feel myself caving under the pressure. I don't know what to do, where's Stacie? She would know what to do, Jesse doesn't even know yet! Isn't it bad enough that I cheated on him already? Wouldn't telling Chloe first mean that I'm betraying him even more? But then again, Chloe would be there.. She had been for the last three years and I'm sure that she wouldn't just ditch me because I'm pregnant. Right?
"Beca?.."
My eyes shot up to meet her lighter ones. "I-" was interrupted by the ringing of my phone. The breakfast club theme started to play and my heart sank even further. Of course, now of all times did he have to call. Chloe still stared at me, I felt her eyes following my slightly shaking hand - god, I hope she hadn't noticed – as I picked up my phone, staring at Jesses goofy grin flashing across my screen. My throat went dry again and my breath hitched. I couldn't face it, couldn't face them. Both of them. Chloe right in front of me and Jesse only a finger-swipe away.
"Aren't you going to take it?"
Chloes eyebrows were furrowed and she seemed a little annoyed, probably due to the continuing ringtone. My hand gripped the cup a little tighter and I muttered a quiet "right" before I answered his call, keeping an eye on Chloe and looking anywhere but her at the same time.
"Hey! What's up?" I tried to keep my voice calm, to hide the trembling that passed through my body and the fear that had a hold on every single organ inside of me.
"Hey Becs. I wanted to ask you out on a date tonight. We haven't been spending that much time together recently and I thought it would be great. Just the two of us, a restaurant and afterwards we'll see?"
If possible, I think my heart just stopped. I can't go out with him, not like this, not with this mess! Not when I actually told Stacie that I don't even love him! I'm the worst, I'm leading him on like a selfish bitch..
"Umm, I'm sorry Jesse, I can't go out with you tonight. I think I ate something wrong and I should keep it slow for the rest of the day." Liar!
"Oh.. Okay. Are you alright? I could be over in a few minutes. Do you need anything? I could go and grab you some medicine?"
No! Don't be so nice! Stop it, I don't deserve it!
"No I-.. it's okay. Chloe's here. It's probably over by tomorrow, don't worry. I'll call you later?"
There was a short silence on the other line before Jesse replied.
"Yeah, sure.. I'll probably come over later on either way. Just want to make sure that you're really fine. See you later Beca, and tell Chloe that she better keep an eye on my girl, love you!"
"Ah yeah, you too.." Did I really end the call with that sentence right now? I couldn't even say that I love him.. I mean of course, I recently discovered that I don't, at least not in that way. But he must be worried now. More than he probably already is because of my 'sorry, I'm so sick I can't even go and meet you' lie. Is that how it's supposed to be from now on? Lying to everyone? It's the first day and I'm seriously losing my mind..
"Is there a problem? Did you two fight?"
I nearly laughed at the irony. I totally forgot about Chloe for a second.
"No.. No we're not fighting. At least I don't think so. I've been to rude, right?"
A plate of soup and a spoon were placed in front of me and Chloes features softened, looking nearly sympathetic now.
"No, it's okay. You're having a bad day. Everyone has them sometimes." She looked away and her face returned to being thoughtful. She bit her lower lip, as if she wanted to refrain herself from saying something. I eyed her for a second before picking up the spoon and carefully dipping it into the soup. Chloe choose that moment to turn back around, her eyes focused on me.
"Did you ever, you know.. Did you ever tell him?"
I stopped moving again, I definitely didn't see that one coming. I really began to wonder how much more I can take before my mind shuts down. All of this on and off with the anxiety and stress can't be healthy.. My spoon sank back into the soup and I loosened my grip on the metal.
"I- no. It never, I mean, I never told him. I am too afraid of the consequences.."
Chloe bit her lip again and crossed her arms, her head turned to look out of the window before she took a few deep breaths.
"Do you regret it? Do you regret that I've.. you know.. been your first?"
Where were all of these questions coming from? Chloe seemed actually insecure right now. I've never seen her like this before. Why would she think that I regret what happened between us? Sure, it made things awkward sometimes, and the whole cheating on my boyfriend thing is just added stress.. But I never would regret that night, even if I ended up pregnant. Which she doesn't know yet..
Chloe stared at the floor, her bottom lip trembled a little and she moved from one leg to the other, I only realized what she was doing because shortly after I lifted my gaze to answer her, she took a shaky breath and moved slightly forward, trying to pass by the counter and probably leave the room. I grabbed her arm, panicking. She couldn't go now, if she left, things would get even more complicated than they already were. I had to at least try and lessen the damage that just didn't seem to stop.
"Don't leave! Please.."
Her head whipped to the left, I could only see the back of her head like that. But her shoulders shook a little and I knew her long enough by now to know that she cried or at least tried to hold back the tears.
"Chloe, look at me. Please." She didn't react, but I couldn't stop now, she at least had the right to know what I think about that night.
"I would never, do you hear me? Never regret what happened between us. It may have been the worst thing I ever did considering the fact that I have a boyfriend, but I would do it again. You are important to me, very much so. Please don't think I would regret the time we spent together, you were perfect. I wouldn't want to have it any other way. So please, look at me."
Her shoulders stopped shaking halfway through my speech, but she still seemed hesitant, so I tucked her arm lightly towards me and it did the trick. Chloe turned around, tear tracks visible on her cheeks and her eyes a little red. It still looked like she didn't believe me completely, so I did what she always did when I felt bad, I opened my arms and smiled encouragingly at her. The redhead nearly flew into my arms and buried her head in the crock of my neck. I engulfed her and rubbed her back with one hand while the other held her closer to me by her neck.
"Did you hear me? I regret nothing, because there is nothing to regret. You didn't do anything wrong and most of all nothing that I didn't want to happen."
I felt her nod and her arms around me tightened a little. I thought that she would never start talking again, when she did just that.
"I-I've been so afraid to lose you. I thought-" she sniffed a little before continuing "I thought that you regretted it. That you wished it would have never happened. I mean, I would've understood, but it did hurt a little, you know? The thought of you regretting something that I enjoyed so much.. When you were gone in the morning, I didn't know what to make of it. I thought that we would maybe talk about it and see what it meant. But we never talked about it, not even once! And it's been a whole month since then!"
I didn't know that it bothered her that much.. I always thought that it was just another one-time thing for her.. Of course not exactly like all the others, because we do share a deeper bond, at least that's what I think. She's at least my best friend, after all. But I never would've guessed that she thought about it that much. I always thought that Chloe being Chloe just saw the best in it and continued like before. The hand holding her neck traveled up a bit to gently run through her hair.
"Why didn't you ever tell me that it bothered you like that? You usually tell me everything.."
"I didn't want to be difficult. You had Jesse to worry about and I felt guilty for letting it go so far, for being responsible that you cheated on your boyfriend. I felt so bad.."
"Oh Chloe.."
I thought about my next words for a while, turning them over and considering not telling her at all. But it had to be done anyways, and this was as good an opportunity as any other. I took a deep breath before exhaling, making Chloes hair flying around a little.
"I want to break up with Jesse."
The redhead stiffened before pulling away, eyeing me incredulously.
"What? Why?!"
I let go of her and sat back a little, a hand running through my probably already deserted hair while Chloe wiped the rest of the tears away.
"I just- I think it's for the best. I realized that things aren't working out for me anymore. I'm not saying that Jesse isn't great! He's probably the best boyfriend you could ever ask for, but it's just not working for me. I couldn't even tell him that I love him when he called just now! I like him, a lot. But those feelings weren't love. At least not like that.. I know that now. He's like a brother, the one that's always there for you, looking out for you and trying to make you smile even though you aren't in the mood. I'm sure that this is the reason we never slept together, it didn't feel right.. But I know that breaking up with him could break him. And I don't want to hurt Jesse, he's always been good to me, and never asked for anything in return. I can't continue like I don't know what I know now. I don't know what to do.."
I wrung my hands, trying to look anywhere but Chloe. She probably stared at me, processing anything I just blurted out, ordering the information in her head. A warm hand covered both of mine and squeezed lightly.
"Beca, I know that you think it isn't fair to him and it probably isn't.. But you not telling him what you're feeling and leading him on with doing so will hurt him even more. Imagine what it would be like for him to find out that his girlfriend doesn't love him, but is maintaining their relationship because she pitied him."
She was right, and I hated the fact that she was. I know that I had to tell him, about us, about the baby.. And I know that with doing so, I would probably destroy his heart. Jesse would've forgiven me for cheating, because I've been drunk and I'm sure that if I told him, he would say that it hurt and that he needs time, but that he still loves me. But telling him that I cheated on him and don't love him anymore, coupled with the fact that I'm pregnant due to the circumstances is too much. Even for the most loving and forgiving person..
"I have to tell him, don't I?"
Chloe smiled sadly and squeezed my hands once more, her eyes overflowing with sympathy. "I'm afraid so."
"Do you think that there's a way for me to make it easier for him? Telling him without hurting him too much?"
The redheads smile never left her face when she shook her head, crushing the last bit of hope I had.
"He said he's coming over later, I should tell him then, shouldn't I?"
"It would be for the best to get everything in the clear as soon as possible. But you should do what you feel comfortable with and if that means not telling him for a few more days, than that's okay too."
That woman surprised me so often already, I thought that she wouldn't be able to do it again. But I guess that Chloe is a woman full of surprises and opinions. What would she do if she knew that I'm not telling her something too? That her last statement hit home closer than she probably could imagine?
"Thanks Chlo, for always being there and being honest with me. I appreciate it, don't forget that."
I just had to remind her, before I told her the whole truth. I'm not ready to do it just yet, because I have to sort it out myself first. But I want to be sure that she knows that I'm grateful for her and what she's doing.
"Hey Shorty, loverboy just got here. He wanted to check in and see how you were doing."
Fat Amy stood in the doorway, her eyes skimming over the scene in front of her before raising an eyebrow, making a high-pitched "okaaaaay" sound and throwing a thumb over her should.
"Should I tell him to come back later? Or is it alright for me to let him through? Because he's kind of already inside the house."
I felt the previously dispersed panic beginning to rise again. But before it got out of hand, Chloe squeezed my hands one last time before letting go and standing up.
"I guess I'll see you later Becs, if you want to talk, you know where to find me."
Amy watched the redhead who shot her a smile before disappearing out of sight. The blonde turned back around and eyed me.
"You alright BM? Is your stomach still making problems?"
I nearly laughed at the question. Problems.. There's a human growing in there, but otherwise I'm fine.
"Everything's cool Amy. Where's Jesse?"
The blonde sobered up immediately and threw her thumb over her shoulder once more.
"Just down the hall. He's the one standing beside the door like a lost puppy. I think you should hurry there, he could be enchanted by the few of my ass, you know? And he's not exactly the kind of guy I want me to follow around. He's way too innocent to cope with all of that."
The blonde gestured over her body while stepping out of the room, leaving me by myself. I guess I won't ever get to eat my soup and should face the inevitable head on now. A few more deep breaths and my racing heart slowed down a little again. Jesse stood - as Amy said - beside the door, his eyes lightened up as soon as he saw me.
"Beca! Hey! I'm so glad to see you up and about. How are you feeling?"
He crossed the last bit of distance between us and engulfed me in his arms, giving me a gentle hug. He really was the perfect boyfriend..
"Hey Jess. I'm feeling good. Let's get up to my room?"
"Sure. I even brought a few movies, just in case you felt bad enough to even consider watching one."
I couldn't help the smile that tucked at the corner of my mouth. "Nerd.."
We walked up to my room in silence. I gestured for Jesse to sit down on my bed while I started to walk in lines in front of him.
"Is.. Everything okay?"
I stopped to take a look at him, ruffling my hair once again - seriously, I'm going to rip it all out at some point - and took another deep breath. Now or never..
"We need to talk."
The boy looked taken aback, shaking his head twice and shuffling around on the bed before his whole attention was on me again.
"Did something happen?"
I pinched the bridge of my nose and gathered as much courage as I could at the moment. Reminding me that if I didn't do it now, I would probably never get another chance like this and the consequences could be much direr. I turned around, afraid of seeing his reaction. I know, I'm pathetic..
"I can't be your girlfriend anymore." I just blurted it out without batting an eye. Smooth Mitchell, really.. Can someone actually be any more insensitive?! "I mean, it's not because of you, I know that everyone says that, but I really mean it! You are like the perfect boyfriend. I couldn't have wished for a better one, but I don't love you. At least not like that. I'm so sorry Jesse. I mistook the feelings I had towards you as love, while I now know that it wasn't love as in relationship-worthy-love, but more of an you-are-the-person-that-is-making-me-smile-without-even-trying-love. I swear that I never wanted to hurt you. I don't want to lose you! I'm so, so, so terribly sorry.."
He didn't say a word. The silence that filled the room was deafening. I expected him to start crying, maybe even yelling. But he just did nothing.
"Jesse? I'm sorry, please, say something."
He stared at the wall behind me, his hands hanging useless between his thighs. He blinked once before his eyes turned right, finally meeting mine. I felt it pierce my heart, his pain, it stood written all over his eyes..
"How long?" he didn't say anything more. What did he mean?
"I'm sorry?"
"How long since you know that?" Oh..
"I realized it just recently. I told you as soon as I knew, I didn't want to lie to you. Not more than I already did without noticing. You have to believe me, I didn't want any of this."
He nodded a few times, the left corner of his mouth slightly pulled down. His hands smacked his thighs before he stood up, facing me.
"That.. Was surprising. I mean, it seriously took you three years to realize that? I have to process all of this. I can't.. I can't face you right now."
He turned towards the stairs, his gaze back to the floor and his voice racked with pain. I turned around, I couldn't bear to watch him go, knowing that I was the cause of his behavior hurt. His - considering the circumstances - calm behavior was unnerving. He should be screaming at me, yelling that I was an ungrateful bitch that lied to him for three years. But he just said that he needed time and that he couldn't face me right now. It didn't feel right, not that it ever has, but his reaction made me feel even worse. I could've handled screaming, accusations, heck, he could've slapped me and I would've deserved it. I stole him three years of his life!
"Did any of it ever mean something to you?"
I spun around, Jesse had his hand on top of the stair-rail, his gaze still firmly fixed on the ground. My heart broke even more and I started crying without even realizing that my vision had been blurred.
"Of course it did." My voice broke and I took a step forward, towards him. His head shot up to meet my eyes after the movement and I could see the tears swimming within his dark brown orbs. He bit his lip and nodded before turning around and continuing going down the stairs. The moment I heard the door to my room being opened, I knew that I probably wouldn't see him for a very long time. The panic began to rise again and I ran to the top of the stairs, screaming one last "I'm sorry!" after him before sinking to the floor. The sobs wracked my body, I just lost one of my best friends. I may have told him the truth and 'disposed' of one of my problems - the smallest one, actually.. - but I lost a friend in the process of doing so. I wondered if that really was the right thing to do. Now I still had to tell the others, but with that last pathetic attempt of mine to stop him from leaving my life, they probably already know that something is up. And I still had to tell them about the baby.. I couldn't lose any more friends, because losing Jesse felt horrible and knowing that I could be feeling like this again real soon was frightening. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?
Did Beca do the right thing? What do you think how Chloe is going to react? What should happen next?
Thanks for reading!
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