Hi.
Like I promise yesterday when I published a new chapter of "I am not giving up me dream" today, I update this fic. It has been a really long time since I updated it. The thing is that a lot of thing has happened during the last couple of months. And, I didn't have a lot of free time. However, don't worry I already have two more chapter of this fic and one more of "Let her go". But, I need to proofread them first because I wrote them in my mobile phone. Sorry =(
Tomorrow I will try to proofread the next chapter of "How to save a life".
I hope that you like this new chapter and let me a review.
Thanks to: kkmineirinhaBR, Guest, PikkuHiiri, Iaua (Guest), Fenixhl3, Fzy, kiarnah123, earthling1970, Titine, xxwinterbeautyxx (Guest), Justicerocks, jscat2, M. Louise E, goldistic, country-chick-20, Camila (guest). Besides, thanks for your support and patient.
Namine Redfield
Chapter 10: Those feeling again
Two days had passed since Matt was sick and today, it was the first day that he was feeling better. However, he was still coughing and sneezing a few times, especially during the night; but, he didn't have fever since yesterday.
When he woke up some two hours ago, he didn't felt sickness or dizziness; however, his mother, his sister, Gabby, Shay and even Severide insisted in that he should go to the doctor, just for being sure that he was fine. Thus, in that moment he was sitting in a gurney while doctor Nivans was checking his throat.
"Your throat is still a little bit red but, don't worry. It is normal. You said that during one day you were throwing up, right?" Matt nodded "Can you lift your shirt? I want to hear your lungs" Matt did it and the doctor put on his bare chest his stethoscope "Take some deep breath" he moved the chest pieced to his back "one more time. Alright, your lungs sound perfect. When was the last time that you throw up?" Matt didn't know owing to most of the time he was disoriented because of the high fever that he suffered.
"One day ago" his mother said rubbing his shoulder "and until yesterday at midday, he continued having fever but, only some lines. Last night, his temperature was 99 and this morning it was 99.3"
"Okay. It is normal than when we wake up our temperature is a higher" he said after seeing the concern face of his mother "I want that you continue taking some Tylenol or Ibuprofen two times per day during at least two more days. If you throw up or you have fever again, came back immediately" Matt nodded grateful that he said that he was better.
"And, how is he about his peritonitis?" Matt was glad that his mother was there with him; he completely forget about his peritonitis.
"Yeah, I forgot it. Take of you shirt and lay down in the gurney" the doctor put on a new pair of gloves while Matt did what he said "Say me if you are in pain" the doctor touched his stomach during a few minutes and Matt moaned sometimes "It's enough. You can dress again" he grabbed the papers that were on his desk and read them "Your blood test shows that your defenses are higher again. In this moment I am more concerned about your cold. No more cold shower, young man" Matt looked to him ashamed because of his last comment. When he and his mother entered in the doctor's office, twenty minutes ago, his mother told to his doctor that three days ago, without caring about what he said about his defenses when he was released, he showered with cold water and, as a consequence, he caught a cold. Doctor Nivans got angry with Matt instantly and said him that he was lucky that he didn't have major problems with his peritonitis.
"Okay" Matt said putting on his shirt and sweatshirt "Thanks doc" he shook his hand with him
"Thanks" his mother said shaking too her hand with the young doctor
"And Matt, I am glad that you are doing better" it was incredible how much he had changed. One week ago, when he met him after the EMT brought him to the hospital because, he swallowed a bottle of pills; he looked so fragile and lost. Now one week later, he looks happy and lively again. His family was right, the last thing that he needs is to be in the hospital.
"Thanks" he repeated smiling
Mother and son walked to the parking of the hospital where Nancy parked her car one hour ago when they arrived to the hospital. "Do you want to have breakfast honey?"
"Yeah, I am starving. I hate when they need to do a blood test. You have to go in fasting state" he said while he was checking his mobile phone; he had two messages. One of them was from his sister and the other one was from Gabby, who was on shift again that day. Both of them wanted to know how he was and what the doctor said to him.
"Mom, can you wait one moment? I have a message from Gabby and I want to call her before I forget it. If not, she will get angry with me because I didn't call her like I promised her" he said smiling while he was dialing her number
"You can speak with her in the car while we are going to your house" she said
"Mom" he said shyly and he moved away from her thus, she couldn't hear his conversation with his best friend.
"Hello?" Gabby said on the other side of the line
"Gabby" Matt was happy of hearing her voice, he didn't know why but, hearing her voice makes that he feel much better.
"Matt, how was your appointment?" she sound cheerful too of hearing his voice
"He said that I am fine. I had just got out of his office. Now my mother and I are going to grab something for breakfast and later we will buy a few things that I will need while I am in the lake"
"Are you still thinking about going there tomorrow morning?"
"Yeah, why not?" he said annoyed. Lately, everyone was asking him the same question.
"I am just saying that until yesterday you were sick. All that I want is that you stay fine okay? You can go if you want, I don't mind. It would be good for you to spend some time in the Lake. However, I am worried about you getting sick again there while you are completely alone"
"I understand you. But, don't worry, I will call you every day if it makes you to feel better" he was glad of having in his life such as great friend. She and Shay are always worried when someone of the fifty-one was sick or injured during a call. However, he thinks that Gabby is more worried when he is the one who is sick or injured. She always went to his office with a cup of hot chocolate or with some ointments in case that he burned his hand. She is really nice with him.
"Are you still there?" Gabby asked
"Yeah, I am sorry. What did you say?"
"I asked you if you want to have breakfast with me before you leave tomorrow to the Lake"
"I would love it"
"Okay. So, why not you come here to the firehouse and have breakfast with all of us. The guys will be really happy of seeing you again. It has been a long time since the last time that they see you while you were in the hospital" She was right, the last time that he saw his fellow was in the hospital when they bring Sophie with them. Since that day, he didn't call them and they didn't call him "They are worried about you"
"I don't know Gabs-" but the alarm sound interrupting their conversation
"I am sorry Matt. I have to go, duty calls. I will call you later, alright?"
"Yeah. Be safe" he said before she hung of the call
Disappointed because the alarm sound interrupted their conversation, Matt came back to where his mother was waiting him.
"what's up Matthew?" she said looking his sad face
"Nothing, I am fine" but his mother was not really sure of his answer "Alright, I am tired. During the last few days I didn't sleep so much" he lied
"If you say it" she said entering in her car. If something she had learnt while she shared house with him, it was not to push him. When he was ready, he will talk about what was bothering him "what do you want to do after breakfast?" She turned the ignition key in the lock and the engine started to run.
"I need to buy a few things for the time that I am going to be in the lake. At least I am going to be there two weeks"
"At least?" he always said that he won't need more than two weeks. However, in that moment he wasn't sure if he will need more time or not to clarify his mind.
"Yeah, I don't know if two weeks will be enough or not"
"Your psychiatrist told you that you should be there as long as you need" she brushed his dirty blonde hair as a sign that she understood him "What do you need to buy?"
"I don't know. Food, fishing floss, bait-" he said thinking about what he could need there. According to the cabin's owner there was a small supermarket at 20 minutes by car. Although, he wanted to go to the cabin for being alone and to think about everything that had happened in the last month thus, he prefers not to go to the supermarket if he could avoid it.
"Are you going to use your father's fishing rod?" she said smiling
"yeah, dad' old fishing rod" he said with nostalgia. He remembered that some summer he and his father used to go out of the city and go to the countryside during all the weekend. Only the two of them. During the day, they fished and talk about whatever. In the case of the night, they looked the stars until they fell asleep.
"It has been a long time since the last time that you went to fish, right?"
"since I was fifteen, that year was the last one that dad and I went to the old lake to fish" he said sad. Sometimes he misses so much his dad, spite of during the last years of his life, he treated he and his mother really bad. However, he was still his father and he loves him.
"At what time are you going to leave tomorrow?"
"I am not sure yet" he had doubts if he should or not go to have breakfast with Gabby and the guys. He wants to have breakfast with her but, just with her.
"Are you going to say bye to Gabby in person before you leave?"
"I don't know"
"Matt, how that you don't know it?" she said annoyed because of his answer "she is your best friend. The last thing that you should do is to say her bye in person before you leave and not by phone or by text"
"She wants that I go tomorrow to the firehouse and have breakfast there with everyone like I did when shift was almost over"
"That would be great-"
"I don't know" he said one more time looking through the window.
"Stop of saying 'I don't know'" she said looking him seriously "all of them are your friends. Besides, your friend Kelly stayed the other day in your house most of the day. You two were really good spite of what happened between you two five days ago in the hospital"
"Mom, it was just one day. Besides, I can't look them to their faces and see how everyone feels sorry for me or how much I've disappointed my chief" He was scared of seeing Chief Boden again. He was sure that he is still angry with him because of his behavior. He still remembered the conversation that he had with him after Voight tried to scared him and Hallie some days before of his son's hearing. Matt wasn't thinking what he was doing during a call and a car almost hit him because he was checking his mobile phone. In that moment he could felt how disappointed his chief was. He is sure that in that moment he disappointed him even more.
"Don't be silly"
"Mom, I don't want to discuss this with you. Just drive"
"We are not discussing. We are talking. In my opinion, you should go tomorrow and have breakfast with your friends. I am sure that they will be glad of seeing that you are doing fine"
"I don't want to see them"
"Matt, I am just saying that you should try" suddenly a car almost hit them when the owner of the other car failed a stop sign.
"Mom" he said angry "You almost kill us"
"It wasn't my fault" she shouted too
"Stop the car" he didn't want that they have a car accident because she wasn't paying attention to the traffic
"What?" she said surprised
"I will come back home walking" he said angry "I don't want to continue talking about that. It's always the same topic. Stop the fucking car" when her mother parked her car, he grabbed the door lock disposed to get out of the car.
"No way, young man" she said grabbing him by his sweatshirt "you are not going to run away of your problems like you did in the hospital. It is time that you face your problems. You have to talk about what happened and why you did it and pay the consequences"
"Look who is talking" he yelled angry "you killed dad instead of face him like I told you hundred of time. If you had done, he would have been alive and not dead. I would like to continue having a father" when he said it, she covered her mouth with her hands while her eyes were filling with tears "I am sorry mom" he know that he should not have said what he said but, it was late. That was the first time that he accused her of killing his dad and he regretted to say that words as soon as the first tears fallen down her check "Mom" he tried to touch her shoulder but, she move away from him
"Get out of the car"
"Mom I am sorry. I didn't mean it"
"it's a little late, does it?" she said erasing her tears
"I am sorry mom" and he got out of her car and she started the ignition again leaving him in the middle of the street.
/
Gabby was restocking the ambulance in the garage with Shay when Chief Boden walked to them with serious face.
"oh oh" Gabby said "Chief Boden in our 3" she joked and continue cleaning the floor of the ambulance
"what did we do, Chief?" Shay said worried that they did something wrong during their last call.
"Nothing. I just want to speak with you one moment Dawson" Gabby looked Shay concerned and jumped outside of the ambulance. She and Chief Boden move to outside of the garage "Don't worry" he said looking her concerned look "I just wanted to ask you how Matt is doing? I tried to call him today and yesterday a few times but he doesn't pick up his phone"
"Well. Until yesterday, he was still a little sick. Today he went to the hospital and his doctor told him that everything is perfect"
"Good, if you talk with him or you see him again, tell him to call me or at least pick up the phone the next time that I call him"
"Well, maybe that is not necessary. I mean, there is a possibility that he comes to have breakfast with us before that we finish our shift tomorrow morning"
"That will be great" it has been six days since the last time that he saw him and he wanted to speak with him "then, don't say him nothing; I will talk with him before or after breakfast"
"Okay, Chief. Do you want something more or can I continue restocking the ambo?"
"Continue with what you were doing. Thanks" and he come back to his office while Gabby continue restoring the ambulance.
/
After his mother let him in the middle of the street because of what he said to her, Matt walked to a small cafeteria to grab something for breakfast. After that, he went to buy everything that he will need for the next few weeks and came back home.
During all the day, his phone rang a few times. Most of time it was Hallie's family who was calling him but, he ignored it not wanting to speak with them never again in his life. It has been one week since the last time that they called him and since that last call, he didn't wanted to speak with them again. However, they continue calling him.
Flashback
Matt had just come back home, after Chief Boden sent him home before he finish his shift because of his imprudence during the last call. After taking all his stuff, he had the need to speak with someone so, he called his sister.
She was always the only one, a part of Gabby, who doesn't judge him. She invited him to have lunch in her house. He thought that it would be a better idea than be alone in his house with nothing to do. After having lunch Matt fixed some of the cabinets of the kitchen and he played with his niece during most of the afternoon. Now, when he entered in his house he was feeling a little bit better. Maybe tomorrow, he could try to call Chief Boden and ask him if he could return to his duties soon.
He was leaving on the floor, near to the door, his brown duffel bag when his phone rang in the pocket of his jacket. He took it and saw the ID, he recognized immediately who was calling him. It was Hallie's parents who were calling him. He didn't speak with them since the night that he went to their house to tell them that Hallie was dead. He didn't know what to say or what to do so, he didn't call them again or went to their house to visit them.
"Hello?" he said nervous
"Matthew?" Mr. Thomas said
"Good afternoon Phil" Matt said rubbing the back of his neck "how are you and Margaret doing? I am sorry for not calling you before. I now that it's not an excuse but, I had been busy helping the detectives with their investigation of the fire in the clinic-"
"Today, we spoke with our lawyer and he said that the coroner said in his report that Hallie died because of a blunt force trauma before the fire started in the clinic"
"I know, detective Dawson told me yesterday-"
"that is not true and you know it" he interrupting him yelling "Is your fault that she died that night"
"Sorry?" Matt asked confused. The last time that he talked with them, they gave him thanks for trying to save her daughter risking his own life. They always loved him like the son that they never had.
"You heard me Matthew" Phil yelled "If you had arrived some minutes early, she could have been still alive, it's your fucking fault that she is dead"
"I am really sorry. I tried to save here. She was already dead when I found her"
"that is what they told you so, you don't fell guilty of having failed in rescue the victim. My daughter was alive when you arrived; you let her to die between the flares"
End of the flashback
The other person who was calling him that day was Boden and Matt didn't want to speak with him or looked him to his face. Each time that he thought about call him, he feel nervous. He knew that he disappointed him when he tried to kill himself and looking to his eyes was really hurtful for Matt in that moment. Chief Boden was so angry with him the last time that he saw him in the hospital.
When he arrived home he put some pizza in the oven and went to his room to start to package his luggage with everything that he will need during the next two weeks while the pizza was cooking in the kitchen.
His phone rang one more time in his nightstand; this time he had received a message: "You killed me daughter. You should be the one who died that night. It's a pity that you didn't kill yourself one week ago, coward. Maybe, the next time you should try it cutting your veins. It's a more effective method" he was tired that her family was calling him during the day before and sending him some message like the last one since two days ago. He didn't mention them to anybody because he didn't want to worry them.
His phone rang one more time and he answered without looking the caller ID "What?" he said angry "Let me alone. I don't want to speak with you again, alright?-"
"Matt?" his sister said interrupting him
"I am sorry Christine" he said embarrassed when he heard her voice "I think that you were other person"
"Are you ok?" she asked concerned of the way in which he answered the phone
"Yeah" he lied
"Who do you think that I was?"
"It's doesn't matter. Today, I received some calls of an insurance company and they don't accept "no" as an answer" he lied again. He didn't want to worry her telling her about the calls or the messages.
"If you say it" she wasn't really sure that he was telling the truth. However, she know that she should not push him because it will make that him hide the truth "Anyway, I spoke with mom and she told me that you said to her-"
"I know, and I said her I am sorry"
"She does not care that you said sorry"
"I know"
"Your words have done so much pain to her. She has been in my house crying until now. For her you are his little boy-"
"Look, I don't want to talk about it" he said sitting in his bed "it's late and tomorrow, I am leaving early"
"Matt, you shouldn't have told that to her. It has been so hard for her to try to start again with her life. It has been fifteen years Matt"
"Hey! You have been always the one who blamed mom of his death. I only blamed her one time and it's the end of the world" he said annoyed
"Matt, that is not fair"
"Oh and is fair that you two get angry with me about that. I am tired that everyone gets angry with me. If you don't like the truth, you withstand the blow"
"You have to talk with her before you leave. Are you going to go to the firehouse before you leave tomorrow?" she said changing the topic, she was sure that in that moment it was impossible speak with him.
"I don't think that is a good idea. They fire me and I don't want to see them never again"
"Matt what is happening? You were fine until yesterday and now you are like when you wake up in the hospital after you swallowed the pills. What is going on?" she asked worried. He has been alone during half day and he changed. Something had to happen to him, she thought
"nothing"
"Matt, tell me. We want to help you"
"I don't need help, alright?"he said angry "Good night, I will call you tomorrow when I arrive to the cabin"
"Matt, don't dare to hang-" but he hang up the call.
He lie down in his bed and started to cry, he was scared, after hang the phone he started to have again the same feeling that he had one week ago when Phil called him and accused him to kill his daughter. He was felling like if he was failing to everyone and he wanted to kill himself again. He risen of the bed and walked to the kitchen and switch off the oven. He wasn't hungry anymore thus, he didn't want to eat the pizza. He opened one of the cabinets and took off a kitchen knife with his trembling hands. He put the blade against the skin of his wrist and make a little cut there. Some small drops of blood began to go out of the small scratch
"What am I doing?" he asked to himself when he saw that the knife was resting in his left wrist with his blood on the blade. He grabbed his phone, he needed to call someone. He needed to call Gabby. One part of him didn't want that he tried to try to kill himself again, telling him that there is something special waiting for him in somewhere and he has to find it.
"Matt?" Gabby asked surprised that he was calling her so late. She was sitting in the common room finishing her diner with Shay and Severide when he called her. She wanted to call him during the day, but she and Shay had so many calls so, it was impossible for her to do it.
"Gabby?" he said crying
"Matt what is going on?" She asked worried letting the fork in the plate.
"Nothing. I just wanted to hear your voice one more time" he said drying his tears.
"Don't lie to me Matt. You are crying" Everyone in the common room was looking her concerned. All the firemen were worried about their Truck Lieutenant.
"How do you know it?"
"Silly" she said lovingly "I know you Matt. I know when you are sad or happy by the tone of your voice"
"In this moment I am scary Gabby. I have a knife in my hands. And, one part of mine wants that I cut my veins. I want to die"
"and the other part? What is the other part of you telling you to do?" She ran to Boden's office and wrote a little note to him saying "Matt needs us". Boden rose of his chair and walked with Gabby to his jeep. They were surprised when they saw that Severide was waiting them near to the Battalion 25 jeep. After he heard that Matt called her and she said that he was crying, Kelly had the same bad feeling that he had one week ago when Boden sent Matt to his house. However, this time he won't be a part and let his friend alone like the last time. No, this time he will be there for him, like he was for him in the past. The three of them entered in the jeep and Boden drove to Matt's house as faster as he could.
"The other part is saying me that I should call you. I don't know what to do Gabby" he continue saying after one minute of silence
"Throw the knife far away from you Matt"
"I can't Gabby. My hand is grabbing it strongly. I can't move. I tried but, I can't" he continue crying
"Okay, you are in shock that is why you can't move. Are you at home?"
"Yeah"
"I am on my way. I will be there in ten minutes. Don't hang me and continue talking with me, ok?"
"I don't want to do it Gabby but, I can't continue like this. I don't want that everyone say me how guilty I am for something that I did" he said remembering the conversation with his mother and sister and the conversation with Hallie's family "I am failing to everyone"
"I know that you don't want to do it Matt. You are doing it perfect. Tell me what you want to do when you arrive to the cabin" she looked thought the rear mirror to Severide. He was as worried as she was, he was so pale and Gabby could even said that he was holding his breath.
"I want to fish like I used to do when my father was alive. He and I spent hours and hours sitting near to the lake just talking while we fished. I miss him so badly Gabby"
"And what more?"
""I don't know, maybe sleep outside and see the stairs during all the ni-" but he didn't finished the sentence
"And?" but he didn't respond "Come on Matt, you are going to be there for two weeks, what more do you want to do?" but he didn't say anything "Matt?"
"We are here Gabby" Boden said jumping outside of the jeep and running to the house as faster as his leg allowed him to do it.
"Matt!" Gabby yelled worried sprinting to the house
What did Matt do? Will he be fine? How will Severide, Dawson and Chief Boden react when they find out what is going on with Matt?
I am sorry for let it here. I write the next chapter and I just need to proofread it. I will try to have it as soon as I can but, maybe it would be ready at the beginning of the next week. I am sorry it takes me around two or three hours to do it.
Have a good day and let me a review with what you think that could pass in the next chapter as well as with your opinion.
Bye.
Namine Redfield